Shattered Love

by Heather Wood

  Alice dropped the grocery bags onto the ground and clenched her fists at her sides. “You get the hell away from me before I show you how erratic I can be.”

  “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve this.” Julia took off down the street as Alice ran inside and slammed the door. Her heart pounded and she found it difficult to breathe. She reached into her purse and swallowed a couple of her Xanax dry. Tears of humiliation ran down her face. She had noticed the warning signs about Peter, how could she have been so stupid? Was she so desperate for love after Ryan that she threw common sense out of the window? She closed her eyes and couldn’t help but imagine the two of them in bed together laughing over her.

  Junior barked to her at the top of the stairs. She crawled up and cradled him in her arms. Sitting on the floor, she let herself cry. She hoped the Xanax would work quickly and help quell her despair. Looking up at the clock, she was alarmed to see Peter was due at her apartment any minute. She had to leave immediately. Leaving the groceries on the stairs, she grabbed her purse and placed Junior in the crook of her arm. Peter was walking up the stairs just as she opened the front door.

  A second’s hesitation gave him enough time to put his hand on the door before she could slam and lock it. “Alice, what’s going on?”

  “Get the hell away from me, I hate you!” she screamed and didn’t care what type of scene she caused. He gave her an angry shove into the apartment and slammed and locked the door behind him.

  “Are you out of your fucking mind? What the hell?” he yelled.

  “Get out of my house! I never want to see you again!” she hurled her body against him and began to beat at his chest with her fists. He didn’t seem fazed and grabbed her roughly by the arms and lifted her off of the ground. Junior began to bark at him as he dragged her up the stairs into the apartment. She winced as he dropped her onto the floor. She attempted to get into a standing position, but he shoved her back down. He got down on his knees and snarled at her. “What…the…fuck, Alice?”

  “Julia came here,” she spat at him. “How could you? After that whole song and dance how she was a crazy whore. You’ve been sleeping with her the entire time.”

  “Julia’s a liar. I never touched her.”

  “Really? Well, she sure as hell knew a lot about me. How would she know about the miscarriage and Ryan? Or my depression? Not only did you betray me by sleeping with her, but betrayed me by spilling all my secrets to the one girl you knew I hated.” She began to cry and attempted to run away from him but he held her in place by gripping her shoulders.

  His expression crumbled at her words. “Alice, it’s not what you think. I did confide in Julia when we first started dating. I was just looking for advice about you and I shouldn’t have told her about what you had been through. I’m really sorry.”

  She gave him a look of pure hatred. “Did you sleep with her?”

  She closed her eyes when she saw the look of guilt pass over his face. “It was once. It was earlier in the night when I came to your room drunk and we fought. I thought you still wanted to be with Ryan and used Julia to get back at you.”

  “She told me it’s been going on for a long time. That you promised to leave me and that you’re unhappy. She said you told her I was frigid in bed,” she accused.

  “Alice, I probably said a lot of fucked up things about you that night. But it was only one time and it was a huge mistake. I told that to Julia, but she refuses to leave me alone. She’s certifiable, but I never thought she’d come here and confront you like this.” He kept his tone gentle, but she couldn’t keep her rage at bay. Nothing he said changed the fact he lied to her and broke her confidence.

  “You need to get your hands off of me and get away from me. Now.”

  “No, I won’t lose you,” he roared and shook his head. He forced his lips upon hers. “Alice, please…” he begged. She tried to push him away, but his body refused to move. Suddenly, she felt his tongue in her mouth.

  “Peter, stop. It’s over-I can’t forgive you for doing this to me. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on.” He didn’t seem to hear her and began to kiss her neck. “No!” she yelled and moved out of his grasp.

  “Alice, things were different then. We were fighting a lot and it didn’t look like our relationship was going to work out. I love you and no one else matters to me besides you. I know we haven’t been together long, but I know you’re it for me. I want to marry you,” he declared.

  She looked at him and felt a wave of nausea. “How could I ever trust you again? Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

  “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was drunk and it was a moment of weakness I’ve regretted ever since. I should have told you, but it meant nothing to mean.” He looked at her pleadingly. “I can’t lose you. How can you walk away from me so easily?”

  “Peter, I can’t do this…”

  “Alice, just one night. Let me stay and at least try to explain things. If you still feel the same way tomorrow, I’ll leave you alone.”

  When she noticed he looked on the verge of tears, she decided to let him stay. Her weakness for him made her disgusted at herself. She should be relieved she lost the baby-she would make a terrible role model for a daughter. What type of woman stayed with a guy who cheated on her and knocked her around? Was it the money? Or the paralyzing fear of being alone? “I guess so, but I don’t know what you could possibly say to change my mind.”

  The instant she fell into bed with him, she regretted it. He had plied her with alcohol and lavish praises for hours. Apologized until he was blue in the face. She now felt completely disconnected from her body as if she was watching a movie. A part of her screamed to stop him, but didn’t have the energy to bother. His fervent whispers of being madly in love with her made it hard for her to concentrate on why she shouldn’t be here. Alarm finally spread through her as he tried to remove her panties.

  “No,” she whispered. He stopped and peered at her inquisitively. “You can stay, but I don’t want to sleep with you.”

  “I understand,” he kissed her and pulled him into an embrace. She felt smothered as his arm laid across her chest. Once she heard his soft snores, she untangled herself from his arms and quietly got out of the bed. Although she knew Peter was a heavy sleeper, she still moved quietly to avoid waking him. Once in the bathroom, she allowed a sob to escape. She looked in the mirror and barely recognized the image she saw. Looking at her arms and shoulders she already saw bruises begin to appear. Her face was red and swollen from the hours of crying. She went to the couch and welcomed sleep to escape the pain.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Waking up hours later, she saw the sun had just started to rise. It was a little after six and she guessed Peter was still asleep. She peeked into the bedroom and saw his figure sprawled across her bed. She slept in her jeans and a t-shirt. Grabbing a button down and a pair of sneakers, she crept out of the bedroom. After quietly picking up Junior and her purse, she tiptoed out of the apartment. She breathed a sigh of relief when she drove away from the apartment.

  A couple of hours later, she stood uncertainly outside of the Meadowbrook Complex. The last few hours, she had taken Junior for a walk in the park and then had stopped to pick up bagels and coffee from a shop on the way over. She had turned off her phone as soon as she had left the apartment. She planned to avoid Peter at all costs and since he didn’t know where Ryan lived, she doubted he would look for her here. The only hiccup in her plan was if Bethany was at Ryan’s or if he had spent the night at her house. Whatever, she thought, he said to come by if she needed to talk.

  She rang the bell of Apartment 211 and felt disappointed when minutes passed and he didn’t answer. She gave Junior a forlorn look and was just about to leave when the door swung open. Ryan had a sleepy look on his face and wore only a pair of pajama bottoms. She felt guilty for waking him; she knew he liked to sleep in on the Saturdays he didn’t work. “Hey, sorry, is this a bad time?”

  “Alice, hi
. No, I just wasn’t expecting you.”

  She gave an uneasy look into the apartment behind him. “I could come back later. I know I should have called first.”

  “No, come in. Let me just throw on a shirt.”

  She didn’t move. “Is Bethany here? I don’t want to barge in on the two of you like this,” she said apologetically.

  “No, just me. Bethany and I broke up a couple of weeks ago. I thought you still talked to Jen. She didn’t mention it?” She followed him into his apartment and tried to digest this news.

  She tried to keep her expression bland. “No, I had to cancel our plans last minute the past couple of times, so I haven’t seen her lately.”

  “Oh. I’ll be right back.” Junior skipped after him into what she presumed to be his bedroom. Alice glanced around at the apartment and felt like her apartment looked like a dump next to his. All brand new stainless steel appliances, wood cabinetry and a bar area outfitted the kitchen. The floor plan was open with a huge den area connected to an oversized patio. As Ryan came out of the bedroom, she tried to peek behind him to check it out.

  He laughed. “Dying for the tour? Here come check it out.” He motioned for her to follow him into the bedroom. Although a huge king size bed was positioned in the center of the room, the master bedroom had enough room for a desk, large dresser and a chest. “Now prepare to be pissed,” he joked and turned on the light to the bathroom. A huge Jacuzzi tub stood on a raised platform next to a shower stall. She knew her jaw dropped.

  “Okay, I officially hate you now,” she told him.

  “I know, I felt so bad when I moved in. I knew you always wanted a Jacuzzi tub. You have a standing offer to use it,” he smiled at her. The thought of being naked in his tub brought a blush to her cheeks and she rushed out of the bathroom. Her mood was unpredictable-she may just end up stripping right now and jump in if she didn’t leave.

  “So, I brought us bagels and coffee.” She motioned to the bag she left on the kitchen counter.

  “Thanks, I’m starved. What made you came over? It’s been at least a month since we spoke. I thought we couldn’t be friends?” There was no hostility in the question. He unwrapped her bagel first and handed it to her and then removed his own.

  She took a sip of her coffee. “Maybe I was wrong. Anyway, it wasn’t me who wanted to come over, Junior insisted.”

  He looked down at their pug kneeling next to him waiting for a stray piece of food. “Well, thanks buddy.”

  Alice glanced over at Ryan. “So, what’s new? What happened with Bethany?”

  “I broke things off. She wanted to get serious and I….didn’t. Plus, her acting was atrocious. I couldn’t keep lying to her when she asked me about her performances.” She wasn’t sure how to respond, so instead took a large bite of her bagel.

  “Don’t think I haven’t noticed how you dodged my question. I can’t imagine you just decided to come here out of the blue. What’s going on?” he prompted.

  She tried to say Peter’s name, but found it wouldn’t come out of her mouth. The thought of him made her sick at that moment. Instead, she said, “You said I could come by whenever to talk.”

  “And what did you want to talk about…”

  “Ry, why did we breakup?” She wasn’t sure why she blurted this out. With the recent mess of her and Peter’s relationship, she had to wonder if she was the problem. Obviously, men found it difficult to commit to her and she had no idea why. He was quiet for a long time. She shifted in her seat uncomfortable. “Forget it-you don’t have to answer that.”

  “No, I’m not trying to avoid the question. I’m just trying to think of a way to explain it.” He let out a slow breath. “Being with you forever, marrying you was never really the problem. The baby was what really scared me to death.” It was hard to hear, but she figured the truth was better than not knowing. “I never wanted to be a father and we never talked about kids, so I figured maybe you didn’t want to have children either.

  My mother and father were awful parents. They fought constantly and made it pretty clear that the only reason they stayed together as long as they did was because of me and Logan. My mother would look at me with such hatred sometimes, I knew from a young age she wished I was never born. Logan and I wanted to throw a freaking party when they finally separated. Instead of trying to keep things amicable though, they would pit us against the other.

  When my dad remarried, my stepmother didn’t want much to do with us. She tolerated us, but made it clear we weren’t her children. My mom started dating this guy, Roger. She seemed happy so we tried to accept him. Turned out he was a heavy drinker. When he got wasted, he’d wail on me and Logan. After a particularly bad night of beating, Logan and I confided in my dad. When he told my mother she would never see us again, she broke things off with Roger.

  As you can see, not the best parental role models. Alice, the reason I freaked out was because these are the kind of parents I know. I’ve never been around kids, so there’s a good chance that I would be just as horrible as they were.” He looked away from her and swallowed hard.

  She reached for his hand. “Ry, you should have told me this stuff a long time ago. I had no idea you felt this way. If you didn’t want kids, you should have let me know.”

  “But you found out you were pregnant and you were so excited. How could I be the monster who says you know I love you, but I don’t want this baby? When you had the miscarriage, I knew I had to end things. It wouldn’t be fair of me to stay with you and not let you have children,” he explained.

  “Ry, how could you think you would be a terrible father? You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re amazing.”

  He smiled wryly at her compliment. “When I left and moved in with Logan, I was in hell. I missed you every minute and felt like I made a huge mistake. I stayed away from you because I knew it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to give up your dream of being a mother one day.

  After talking to Jennifer and my brother, I realized that I couldn’t give you up and maybe we could work through this issue. Then, Peter came into the picture and things seemed to be over. Yet, here we are.” He said wiping his mouth and tossing the bagel wrapper into the bag.

  “Here we are,” she nodded.

  “Don’t you think it’s strange that we’re still so drawn to each other? That’s the reason I ended things with Bethany. It’s been months, but you’re still the one I want the most.” She felt her cheeks redden and kept her eyes on the floor. He cleared his throat. “What about you? How’s Peter?”

  “Fuck Peter,” she said and lifted her eyes to meet his. She wasn’t left wanting this time. He came to her quickly and began to kiss her. Gently, he nibbled at her lower lip before making the kiss go deeper. Ryan stroked her cheek and then rubbed his hands up and down her back. Pulling her close, she marveled at the feel of his chest against her. It felt equally parts new and familiar.

  “Is this okay?” he whispered. His blue eyes were filled with desire, but she appreciated his hesitation.

  “Yes,” she said softly and began to kiss him again. She gave into her need and kissed him while tugging at his shirt and pants. He laughed and stepped out of his clothing. Jumping up, she wrapped her legs around his waist while continuing to kiss him. He carried her into his bedroom. While leaning over her, Ryan set her down on the bed. She reached for him and he gave a deep moan when she began to massage him. He grew harder and she allowed him to begin undressing her. She helped him get her out of her jeans. With impatience, she knew she couldn’t wait much longer for him to enter her. She unbuttoned her shirt while he pulled it off of her body. She enjoyed his kisses on her neck and moaned with pleasure. She felt his hands at her bra strap. Suddenly, he froze and she felt his entire body tense.

  She brushed away her hair away from her eyes and looked at him. “What’s wrong? Why did you stop?” She pushed her body backwards and was confused by his horrified expression. “Ry, you’re freaking me out.”

  “Alice, your ar
ms,” he choked out. Alice grimaced and looked down the length of her arms. She was covered in fresh bruises. Some of the marks were a purplish color while others were a deep black. She had enough sense to wear long sleeves to come over, but had gotten so caught up in the moment with Ryan had forgotten about how bad they looked.

  She gave him a guilty look. “Ryan…”

  “Alice, get dressed.” She had never seen him look so angry. His shoulders were tense and he could barely speak directly to her. He turned on his heel and marched out into the living room. A wave of humiliation washed over her as Alice watched him walk away. She grabbed for her clothes and tried to get ready quickly. The desire to flee was overwhelming.

  He was already dressed and pacing when she exited the bedroom. She didn’t meet his eyes. With a small voice she told him, “I’m gonna head out.”

  “Like hell you are. You’re going to tell me what happened. Is that why you’re here? Did Peter do this to you?”

  “It’s not what you think. We had a really bad fight last night, we both got physical and well you know how easily I bruise.”

  “Don’t you dare, Alice,” he said with venom.

  “What?”

  “Don’t you dare act for one minute that this is okay. Where is he? I’m going to kill the fucker,” Ryan spat out. He grabbed a glass left on the coffee table and threw it across the room. She shuddered as it broke against the wall.

  “I’m leaving, you’re scaring me,” she whispered and ran for her purse and grabbed Junior.

  “It all fucking makes sense now. I thought maybe you were misusing your medicine, but it was him the whole time. The scratches on your arm, the cut on your head, he’s been abusing you.” The way he said it made her want to throw up. They had fought, but she wasn’t abused.

  “Ry, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not stupid enough to let some guy hurt me.”