Be My Baby

by Airicka Phoenix

  Lily bristled. “What do you mean it doesn’t change anything? It changes everything!”

  “No, it doesn’t,” Calla replied evenly. “Richard’s out of my life and has been for over a year. That won’t ever change. The baby’s gone. It’s never coming back. It took me a long time to get past that, but I have to.”

  Willa hurried into the room, possibly drawn by Calla’s voice. Her face crumpled and she burst into tears even before her arms flung around Calla’s neck. Calla held her back, but kept her eyes on their mom.

  “I didn’t tell you so you could fix it,” she said softly. “There’s nothing left to fix. I told you because you deserved an explanation, and maybe because I really needed to finally tell someone. And you listened. There’s nothing much else anyone can do.”

  Lily untangled herself from Beth and went to her daughters. She pulled them both into her arms and held them like she used to when they were children. Only, they no longer reached her abdomen, and in Calla’s case, actually towered over her by a few inches.

  “You’ll always be my baby girls,” she told them. “Don’t either of you ever keep something like this from me again. Do you understand?”

  Both nodded and clung back to her.

  Sniffling, Lily drew back, wiping her eyes. She looked at Calla. “I’m proud of you.” She wiped Willa’s cheeks. “Both of you, and there isn’t a damn thing either of you can do that will ever change that.”

  “It’s my fault,” Willa whispered. “I should have come up to see you more, or called you more, or—”

  “Shut up!” Calla teased her fondly. “I practically lived on the phone with you.”

  Lily nodded. “It’s true. My phone bill can attest to that.”

  “Then why didn’t you tell me about him?” Willa cried. “If we talked so much then … why?”

  Calla grimaced. “Embarrassment? He was older and I knew you’d all thinks he was using me, which, I guess, you would have been right.” She looked down at her feet. “I’d hoped to bring him home so you could meet him in person. I thought maybe if you met him, you’d see what an amazing guy he was and the age thing wouldn’t matter. But every time I made plans to come up with him, he’d cancel, or something would come up and we’d reschedule. It’s all things I didn’t notice until after, which probably makes me the stupidest person on the planet.”

  “Not stupid,” Sloan mumbled, speaking for the first time. “You were young and vulnerable. He was the adult. He should have known better.”

  “I can’t believe I let that mother fucker live,” Cole snarled, back still to the room.

  “I’m sorry I ruined Christmas,” Calla whispered. “This wasn’t how I wanted any of you to find out.”

  “Oh, baby.” Beth rose and hurried over to enfold Calla in her arms. “This isn’t your fault, and Christmas is not ruined. I made chocolate pie. It’ll make everything better.”

  Calla chuckled and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater. “You do make an amazing chocolate pie.”

  “Actually,” Jared interrupted. “We have some news.”

  All eyes went to Jared. Even Calla’s, who seemed to know exactly what he was about to say and lost whatever shred of color she had remaining in her cheeks.

  “Jared…”

  He ignored her apprehension. “We’re having a baby.”

  The room went from dead silent to an explosion of joy in under thirty seconds. Feet hit hardwood as everyone moved to engulf Calla. Jared stayed where he was, letting her bathe in the light that had chased away the chill.

  “That right there made my whole Christmas,” Beth cried, squeezing the life out of Calla. “I am so happy for you both.”

  Half laughing, half crying, Calla held her back before getting pulled away by Sloan. He said something into her ear that made her lip quiver before she buried her face into his shoulder and shook her head. He kissed the side of her head and stepped back as Cole took his place. She smiled at him and he gathered her up tight.

  “We need drinks!” Lily announced.

  Wiping her eyes, Beth laughed. “I can get behind that.”

  Beaming, cheeks red with happiness and wet with tears, Lily took Willa’s hand. “Come help in the kitchen. Calla, you sit down. Sloan, can you help with the table, please?”

  Just like that, the shadow was gone and Christmas was a bright glow again. The house was filled with the sound of laughter and excitement. The light had returned to Calla’s eyes, the one he remembered growing up. She seemed lighter, happier, and beautiful in a way that took his breath away. Nothing in her past made a lick of difference to him. He loved this woman and nothing was ever going to change that.

  As though sensing his eyes, she turned to him. He motioned her over and took her hand when she was close enough. He kissed the inside of her wrist before pulling her down into his lap.

  “Tell me you’re still mine,” he whispered into her ear. “Tell me that asshole wasn’t here to take you away from me.”

  The fire warmed her eyes as they peered unblinkingly into his. “No one’s taking me anywhere.”

  “Love me?”

  Her smile was breathtaking. “Always.”

  It was three in the morning when Jared jolted awake. For a moment, he lay there in the dark silence, mind still half asleep as he tried to pinpoint the cause. His hand slid across the expense, searching for Calla and felt nothing by cool fabric that ended in a large pool of sticky dampness.

  He was instantly alert.

  “Calla?” Sheets rustled as he pushed himself up. His free hand scrambled for the lamp and flicked it on. “Calla?”

  The space next to him was empty save for the bright, red stain marring the place she normally slept. Every shred of rational thought fled his mind as a cold lump of dread seized his soul.

  “Calla!”

  Heart a wild mess of panic, he threw himself from the bed.

  His apartment was dark and too quiet. For one desperate moment, he thought maybe she’d gone to the hospital without him, but he knew she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t do that to him.

  “Calla!”

  A choked sob sent him barreling to the opposite end of the apartment, towards the bathroom. There was no light inside, but the door was open. His hand shook as he reached for the switch.

  She sat in the tub, huddled small at the bottom in her shorts and white camisole. Her hair was a tangled mess around her face and she clutched tight to her knees as she rocked ever so slightly.

  “Calla?” He took a tentative step deeper into the room. “Baby, what—?”

  His foot hit a wet spot and slid out from under him. He struck the ground hard on one knee and fell forward, barely thinking to catch himself with both hands. The sparking pain was nothing to the realization that there was blood smeared across the tiles. So much blood. It seemed like it was everywhere.

  “Calla…”

  Her sobs grew into heart wrenching wails that were barely muffled by the knees she was forcing against her mouth. Her rocks grew faster and the knuckles fisted into her hair tightened to white, blood stained caps.

  “No … no…” He crawled to the edge of the tub, ignoring the bloody handprint staining the edge. “Get up. Calla, get up. We need to get to the hospital.”

  Her head twisted violently from side to side. “I can’t! It’s too late.”

  “No!” He reached for her, trying to use his numb hands to grab some part of her. “Come on. You need to get up.”

  “They won’t do anything. They can’t do anything.”

  Frozen with a chill that seemed to be coiling out from the very heart of his soul, Jared heaved himself to his feet. He stared down at his wife and the red streak flowing down the center of the tub into the drain and felt his resolve crumble, felt his world tip a little. His own eyes filled before he caught himself.

  “No!”

  This wasn’t going to happen.

  Leaving her, he charged into the bedroom and threw on the first two things he could find. He g
rabbed the blanket off the bed and marched back into the bathroom. He ignored her efforts to swat him away and bundled her up.

  “It’s not too late until the doctor tells me himself,” he growled as he scooped her up into his arms and hurried from the apartment, not even bothering to lock up.

  Calla was a limp, white figure huddled in the seat next to him. She was no longer crying, but her silence was somehow substantially worse. Jared didn’t know what to say to her, didn’t know how to break that fucking silence. He could barely focus enough to keep the car on the road.

  At the hospital, he got her into a wheelchair and bolted towards the emergency ward. The nurse behind the desk jumped when he came to a screeching halt in front of her and slapped a hand on the counter.

  “We need a doctor!” he shouted at her.

  The nurse opened her mouth.

  “Jared?”

  He whirled around to find Beth standing behind them, a clipboard in one hand, a pen in the other and about six dark circles beneath her eyes. Those same eyes took him in, the blood still on his hands and settled on Calla.

  “Calla?” She hurried forward and dropped down in front of the wheelchair. Her hands tore at the blankets. “What happened?” she demanded of Jared, who shook his head.

  “She’s bleeding,” was all he could manage without completely falling apart.

  “Okay, it’s okay,” Beth told Calla. “You’re going to be okay.” She got quickly to her feet. “Call Dr. Jefferson. If he’s not available, Dr. Murray. I’m taking them to examination room one-twelve.” She reached over the counter. “Give me a chart.”

  In moments, Calla was out of the chair and helped onto an examination table. Beth took several vials of blood while rapid-firing questions at Jared that he had to really think to answer. His only focus was how small and broken Calla looked huddled beneath the blankets. She was shivering and staring vacantly at her knees and the longer she sat there, the harder it was for him to keep his shit together.

  “I’m going to see where the doctor is,” Beth told them. “Just stay right here, okay?”

  Neither said anything when she hurried off and closed the door behind her.

  Jared turned to his wife. “Calla…”

  “I can’t do this again,” she croaked. “I can’t lose another one. I can’t…” Her face crumpled and her shoulders heaved with the first sob. “I can’t!”

  He pulled her into his arms. “You don’t know that that is what’s happening. Everything could be fine.”

  “It’s just like last time.”

  He didn’t know what to say after that, didn’t know how to console her when he himself was barely holding it together.

  “It’ll be okay,” was the best he could do.

  The door opened then, but his relief at the doctor finally arriving was short lived when Lily hurried into the room, followed by Sloan, Cole, Willa and Damon. Jared guessed Beth must have called one, or all. But he couldn’t find the sense to be angry. He knew Calla would need her family with her no matter which way the verdict swayed. Plus, he was absolutely no help to her, and as selfish as it was, he needed them, too.

  “Mom?”

  Jared moved aside as Lily rushed to Calla and dragged her into her arms.

  “It’s all right, baby,” Lily whispered. “It’s going to be just fine.”

  “No…” Calla croaked. “No, it’s not.”

  “It is,” Lily said gently. “We’re here, do you understand? You’re not alone and you’ll get through this.”

  “I can’t lose my baby again…”

  Lily held her even as Calla’s muffled wails ripped through the room.

  Jared stood a few feet away, feeling useless and out of place. He knew he should do something, but he just kept standing there wondering was it really just that morning when they’d told everyone and everything was fine and beautiful? How had that changed in only a mere few hours?

  “You okay?”

  It took him a moment to realize Cole had moved to stand next to him.

  He shook his head. “No.”

  Cole said nothing else. He left Jared to take Calla’s other side and gently stroke her hair. Sloan remained by the door, face drawn. Damon stood next to him as Willa joined Lily and Cole. She climbed up next to Calla on the table, but said nothing. Her blue eyes were brimming with tears that she was visibly trying to keep in check.

  “Calla?” Beth hurried into the room, chart in hand and the doctor hot on her heels. “This is Dr. Murray. He’s going to look you over.”

  Dr. Murray, tall with a head full of gray hair and smiling brown eyes, took one look around the room and chuckled. “I haven’t seen this many people in a room since my wife gave birth to our son.”

  Talk of births and sons only tightened the cold knot in Jared’s gut.

  “Well, let’s not keep everyone in suspense.” He moved deeper into the room and went straight to Calla. Lily and Cole shifted aside, but Willa remained. The doctor didn’t seem to mind. “I’d like to take some blood—”

  “Already did,” Beth piped in. “I had it sent to the lab already, as well.”

  Dr. Murray chuckled. “I guess it pays off to have family in the hospital, eh?”

  Calla said nothing.

  Dr. Murray pursed his lips. His smile slipped, turning his features somber.

  “I’m not going to lie to you,” he said. “There is a higher chance of miscarriage at two months, but sometimes, women just bleed. There’s no explanation for either, really. I’ve had women who bleed their entire pregnancy, full periods, while others nothing. It doesn’t mean you did anything, or that this is your fault. Sometimes, it just happens.”

  “When will we know?” Jared spoke up, finding his voice at last.

  Dr. Murray glanced over at him. “Dad?”

  Jared nodded.

  “I usually like waiting for the hCG levels results—”

  “What’s that?” Jared asked.

  “Human chorionic gonadotropin,” Calla whispered, her voice hoarse and barely above a whisper. “It’s hormones that determines if you’re pregnant, or not.”

  Dr. Murray nodded. “In a nutshell, yes.” He eyed Calla. “Is this your first pregnancy?”

  Calla shook her head. “I had a miscarriage a year ago.”

  Sympathy turned the corners of his mouth downward. “I see,” was all he said.

  “How long is that going to take?” Jared demanded. “For the hCG results?”

  “Possibly an hour, maybe two, depending on how busy the lab is.”

  “Two?” Jared blurted. “We can’t wait two hours!”

  “It’s okay,” Calla mumbled listlessly to her knees. “It doesn’t matter anyway.”

  “Stop that!” Between her giving up so quickly and the frustration at having to wait, Jared had finally had it. “Maybe you’re ready to give up, but I’m not! I told you, I refuse to believe anything’s wrong until he tells me!” he growled, jabbing a finger at Dr. Murray.

  “Well, I don’t!” she shot back. “I don’t need him to tell me I’d lost another one because I don’t deserve to be a mother!”

  Jared was momentarily stunned by her declaration, so was, he noticed, everyone else.

  “Is that what you think?” he murmured. “You heard what he said, women sometimes bleed. It has nothing to do with you!”

  “Jared’s right,” Lily murmured when Calla opened her mouth. “I bled the first trimester with you and Willa.” She chuckled softly. “I was sitting right where you are, scared out of my ever loving mind both times thinking I’d lost you. But here you both are.”

  “You never told me that,” Cole said. “I knew about Willa, but…”

  Lily shrugged. “I guess it never came up.”

  Calla looked at her mom, a spark of something like hope brightening her otherwise bleak eyes. “Yeah?”

  Lily nodded. “Don’t give up, okay?”

  Dr. Murray glanced at Jared, then at Calla and finally settled his gaze on Beth. “I
’ll be doing my rounds, call me the minute the results are in.”

  Beth nodded.

  Then there was nothing left to do, but wait.

  “I’m going to go see if I can’t get the lab to put a rush on that blood. I’ve been here for two fucking decades. That should hold some authority.” with that, Beth left.

  Damon moved to stand next to Jared. Neither spoke, but the other man’s presence felt nice. Willa and Lily stayed by Calla as Cole went to stand next to Sloan. The two were talking, but he couldn’t hear what they were saying. Truthfully, he didn’t care.

  It was a strange sensation, hovering in that place between exhausted and wide awake. Jared could feel his body shutting down, while his brain continued to hum. There were only two seats in the room and Cole and Sloan had taken claim of both. Not that it mattered. He didn’t think he could sit down anyway.

  “This is my fault,” he murmured to the man next to him. “I should have been watching the road.”

  Damon frowned. “What road?”

  Jared told him about the accident he and Calla had been in earlier that day before arriving at Cole’s house for what would forever be known as the worst Christmas ever.

  “Everything would have been fine if I had just kept my eyes on the fucking road.”

  “Dude, that sounds crazy,” Damon said almost at once. “You don’t even know that was the reason.”

  “I should have taken her to the hospital as soon as it happened,” he went on.

  “And done what? She only just started bleeding.”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Will you stop!” Damon hissed, keeping his voice low. “Pull yourself together, Dumont. The last thing Calla needs is to see your ass falling apart.”

  “I’m trying!” Jared hissed back.

  “Try harder!”

  They fell into a sort of silence that was broken only by the crinkle of paper every time Calla shifted. No one felt overly inclined to break it otherwise. It was why, when footsteps approached their door, Jared almost swore when only Toby stepped into view.

  The boy looked groggy-eyed and tussled. He wore his flannel bottoms under his coat and no socks. He shuffled in and stopped.