Choosing to SEE

by Mary Beth Chapman

  When David spoke, he told Will it was a privilege to walk with him this past year and how it has inspired him to live his life for Christ, like him. What an awesome thing to stand there as parents and see this all unfold in the high school gym. Big boys with quiver lips and tons of love for each other in their voices is something I will never forget. Will Franklin, your mom loves you whether you play basketball or not . . . but I sure am glad you did!!

  February 20, 2009

  One year ago today, Maria and I had this conversation:

  Maria: “Does God really have a big, big house?”

  Mom: “Yes, Maria.”

  Maria: “Does it have lots and lots of rooms?”

  Mom: “Yes, Maria.”

  Maria: “Does God’s big, big house have a big, big table?”

  Mom: “Yes, Maria, with lots and lots of food . . . and Maria, it also has a yard where you can play football!”

  When I look back to that February morning, Maria was on a mission. I remember even questioning to myself whether she was too young to fully understand what was going on. She was only four years old at the time.

  But when God took Maria to heaven just three months after that, February 20th, 2008, would become one of the most special days for our family to hold onto.

  Don’t ever underestimate the faith of a child. I believe with all of my heart that Maria asking and being so determined was a gift of God . . . a preparation for three months later when my whole world would crumble and life would cease to exist in the way I knew it.

  I can’t even begin to explain the suffering and hard places that this journey has found me in. But hear me say, with all the certainty in me, that Maria felt compelled that day to ask Jesus into her heart. Did she understand fully? As much as Christ asks us to understand.

  We don’t have all the answers, but with childlike faith we can trust the one who says all through Scripture that He is the only One to trust with your life.

  Thank you, little nutty Maria, for teaching Mommy that all you need is the faith of a mustard seed and it will grow into an eternity of sitting on the lap of the One who has the biggest table of food you can imagine . . .

  Be blessed today as you put whatever amount of faith you can muster into the hands of the One who holds it all . . . including my little girl, Maria Sue Chunxi Chapman . . . the silliest goober I know (I miss you my little sweet pea).

  February 21, 2009

  I really love the support that I’ve received from you all as I have begun to wander back into the blog world. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. I really try to be honest and open, and as it relates to Maria it continues to be a very cautious place. We hurt . . . deeply . . . we are being held by the One who holds Maria, we believe that. At the same time I cry out to our Father . . . help my unbelief.

  Will continues to allow God to work, and the twinkle has been spotted back in his eyes some. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU from the bottom of this mama’s heart for holding him in your prayers. He is an amazing young man, and he is simply a hero in my book. The pain of a broken heart is at times unbearable to watch, but then God smiles on us and allows us a glimpse of what He is up to.

  It is a long and at times dark road . . . but the lamp of our faith is lit and we are journeying through it. God bless you all for being on the journey with us. Please don’t stop praying.

  February 24, 2009

  Today is Emily’s birthday. Yep, twenty-three years ago today, little Emily Elizabeth came into our life, forever changing it for good, but we had no idea how this little wrinkled bundle of jaundice would impact the lives of so many children and families . . . ours at the top of the list! Happy Birthday, Emily38! We love you so very much.

  On a day when Mom is having a hard time holding it all together, I am thrilled that your life is being celebrated today. I am so proud of the woman you have become . . . and I love the husband that God sent to you.

  March 11, 2009

  I feel the need to explain my week last week so that my friends here will know how better to pray for me. About a week and a half ago, I completely came to the end of myself. I was teary . . . OK, I was just plain a puddle . . . lots of tears that kept coming. A lot of anger was just crawling all through me. I just couldn’t figure it out . . . where was it coming from?

  Granted, there is a part of me that feels entitled to be teary and angry. I’ve been through a lot. Not only last week, but this last year! However, then I quickly prayed to God, please . . . I don’t want to feel entitled, or act like I deserve to be in this place of self-pity. It is an ongoing war in my heart and my head! I tend to stay quite conflicted these days since Maria left and went to be with Jesus.

  But let me tell you about the last several days! Two weeks ago tomorrow, our good friend, business associate, father to Caleb’s other band mates, awesome husband, mentor to my sons, left this world to go see his Savior and Maria . . . the result of a fourteen-month battle with pancreatic cancer.

  David Lipscomb was an awesome friend and encourager . . . one of the first faces I remember seeing in the emergency room at Vanderbilt the night of Maria’s accident. I miss him. I am sad.

  And I’m angry. Angry at David, angry at Maria, angry at Steven, angry at whoever would allow me to be and not be angry back!

  I was at that place of not understanding God taking away those I love and leaving all of us here to wander around and heal the best we know how! That’s at least how I felt . . . partly because I had gone back to the doctor to ask about some medication that I had been on for awhile.

  The funeral was 11:00 on Tuesday. The doctor’s appointment was Tuesday afternoon. We went straight from the doctor telling me I needed to add another antidepressant medication to the basketball regional semifinals for Will Franklin. Shaoey, meanwhile, had to read a big book on Laura Ingalls Wilder and then she was supposed to put together a pioneer outfit to wear to school on Pioneer Day, then a diorama with a scene from the book, and a book report. Thursday found me at the ob-gyn having my six-week checkup after a hysterectomy (yes, there was that too!). Friday was Pioneer Day!

  It was a big, long week. I didn’t have time for anything I long to do . . . being at home, quiet, spending time reading, praying . . . you all know what I’m saying.

  At any rate, I hope at this point you are all figuring out that I am really normal – or not – and on the verge of out-of-controlness! Friday night found us at Shaoey’s BB tournament in which she played one game Friday night, two games Saturday night, and two games on Sunday night! (They won39)

  All the while I am the mother of the groom, with wedding plans coming down the pike fast. I just married off my daughter last October, my little girl went to be with Jesus, and Will Franklin is graduating as well.

  I think I am realizing something through all of the craziness. Yes, God wants my quiet, and yes, God wants me to rest and hear Him and learn from Him. But all along, in the crazy last two weeks where I hardly had time to think, I realized that if I always think that I am going to finally get to that place where I am constantly trying to get – like in a quiet, picked-up house – then I’m wrong.

  I need to choose to SEE Christ in every birthday party I drive to, every piano lesson that gets taught, every ballet tutu that gets twirled. God is with me. He isn’t waiting until I die for me to be with Him. He isn’t waiting until BB season is over or until I get completely healthy. He SEES me now. He is with me now. I know this is a simple realization, but it was big good news to me.

  I don’t want to forget . . . I want to remember . . . God was with Maria on May 21 and God is with Mary Beth on March 10. I would ask your prayers as I try and navigate all the things that pull after me. I love looking after my family, and I really try to put that circle around them that they come first. After that . . . it gets fuzzy.

  34

  Spring Breaks

  Though hope is clouded

  It has not left us

  Though pain runs deep now

  Yo
u’re deeper still

  And You are holding

  All things together

  Hold us together now

  “Close To Your Heart”

  Words and music by Steven Curtis

  Chapman and Matt Redman

  But you, O Lord, are a shield about me;

  my glory, and the lifter of my head.

  Psalm 3:3 ESV

  March 16, 2009

  We are in our friend’s condo about five miles down from Disney . . . where we spent four spring breaks, all of them with Maria.

  I took a long (probably not long enough) walk on the beach and I cried out to God – Why? What now? How? What?

  Here is some of what I heard:

  Why? “Because I am God and I know all and am in control and know what is best. Even though it looks like a mess . . . it is My mess.”

  What now? “I am God . . . keep walking and keep trusting . . . love well the ones still in your charge and care . . . realize that time is short, life is hard, but I’ve given you so much, do not squander it!”

  How? “By remembering that I am God and your trust has to rely completely on Me . . . no striving of your own will to fix, heal, cure, help, calm any of what you see as mess. I allow what I allow for reasons you can’t even comprehend . . . rest. You won’t figure this out, but He who holds Maria holds you.”

  What? “Realizing I am God, do the next thing. Tell people of My amazing faithfulness, love your family and friends well . . . rest! It is okay to take the time you need for you. Make changes if you need to. Life on earth is short. I am coming to get you – soon!”

  When I was on the beach crying and in a very scattered way asking God these questions above, I cried out loud with tears streaming down my face, “God, can I just hear you audibly? About all of this?”

  As I was praying, tears streaming, eyes closed, waves and birds in a rhythm in the far-off background, all of a sudden – SMACK! – the loudest wave I’d heard all day, to the point where I jumped and it startled me. At once I heard God . . .

  “Hello, look at this ocean that I breathed and the waves that roll, but not too far, for it is My hand that keeps them off the shore.

  “Hello, do I not know how many grains of sand there are, and the number of hairs on sweet Maria’s head? I put this bright sun and this cloudless morning in place and will bring the storms in as well. I do not need to speak, for I already have and you have not only heard Me, you have seen me and my power at work. If I control all of this, then I was here May 21, 2008.

  “It hurts, but I am all you need. I am sufficient and I am God! Trust Me.”

  Looking back at my journals from this time, I can see that God helped me know truth, even when I didn’t feel it. And I kept writing to Maria . . .

  March 18, 2009

  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

  John 10:10 ESV

  I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

  John 16:33 ESV

  Steal. The Enemy showed up and, by hurting Maria, took a swing and tried to steal our beliefs, faith, trust, and hope in the One who came to give life abundantly and overcame the world on the cross.

  Kill. The Enemy came to kill Maria, and by the world’s standards he did. But Jesus came to give her abundant life in heaven. We can have peace that our tribulation is evidence that peace can come from the One who ultimately overcomes the world. Maria is alive in heaven.

  Destroy. The Thief came to destroy Will Franklin . . . but Jesus gave Will life abundantly. Yes, in this world he will have the tribulation, but Jesus came to give peace in this world and to Will. Will has felt this peace and knows the One who has overcome the world.

  Maria is alive and Maria is safe.

  March 20, 2009

  Maria,

  You little nugget! We miss you more than it seems we can bear, but we know God has us in His care and we groan in anticipation of what God is doing and will have done when I hold you in my arms again. I love you!

  And I kept blogging, because God kept teaching . . .

  March 25, 2009

  Chin up! That phrase brought on a whole new meaning as I was taking a walk on the beach. I was asking, thinking, talking to God as I was looking down at the ground, mesmerized by the sand and shells I was strolling over.

  I guess I was looking for the perfect shell for the girls, or maybe counting my steps in order to just get the walk over. You see, I don’t know if I know how to walk to just enjoy the act of walking.

  Today was no different. I just wanted to get it done to get on to the next thing. I was laboring away, walking, looking no further than my feet. I’m a “get it done” kind of gal. While I was walking, head down, zoned in to the three feet or less in front of me, I was certain I heard that still small voice of God whispering ever so loudly to my soul . . . Look up! Chin up!

  Until then, it had been a cloudy, overcast, rainy kind of morning, the sun hidden behind gray clouds.

  To my amazement, as I looked up and lifted my chin, I hadn’t even noticed that the sun had come out. It had pushed its way through those dreary clouds and was there, bright as could be. The warmth on my face was solid proof that those clouds were gone!

  I so desperately long to heal from so much pain . . . missing my sweet Maria. Trying to find the meaning and purpose for how I will live from here on out. But here is what was spoken to my soul this morning:

  • If we keep our heads down, either out of defeat or loss or shame or tiredness . . . whatever the reason, we are going to miss the beautiful sun (and Son) that is right there in front of us, shining its warmth on our faces and our souls!

  • We need to understand down to the depths of our souls that whether He is quietly behind a storm cloud or blazing obviously in the bright blue sky right in our faces, Jesus, the Son, is always – not sometimes – present. No matter what the circumstance.

  • As we walk with chins up, faces directed toward the Son, we won’t see or have to deal with the pettiness of life, represented by the hundreds of seashells I was so fixated on. As we focus on Him, the things of life can be stepped over like those shells. (I know, easier said than done. Trust me, I’m trying to preach to the choir here . . . ME!) Is it possible that some of those seashells of life will just go away? I think so!

  • As we keep our faces turned toward Him, maybe we won’t see life as a walk we feel we just have to get through and cross off our lists of things to get done . . . laboring and counting steps as we go because we just want it to be over. Maybe we can actually start to allow God to direct our lives in the direction that He wants us to go.

  • He is going to tell us where to step and when to look down if our faces are on Him. As I was walking and looking up, allowing my face to feel His warm presence, I felt like I was supposed to look down and open my eyes. When I did, I was getting ready to step right on a baby hammerhead shark! It was deceased, but none the less . . . a shark!

  • God allows the sharks of life like the hard places of suffering and difficulties. We all have them! But if our faces are turned toward Him, He will tell us when to look and how to survive those times by completely trusting Him. He navigates the steps and takes us where He wants us to go because He loves us and wants us to become more like Him. It is not up to us!

  • Today, had that shark been alive, I would have totally freaked . . . heebie-jeebies to the max . . . I could not have handled it! I feel confident that God allowed it to be deceased so that I could at least write this. And besides, I carried it all the way back to the condo where we were staying and became quite the hero to my kids, young and old!

  I hope that in some way this has touched or helped you. I hope that my journey will be one that will encourage you to walk . . . chin up!

  35

  Ready or Not

  Man of Sorrows! What a name

  For the So
n of God, who came

  Ruined sinners to reclaim

  Hallelujah! What a Savior!

  Philip Bliss,

  “Hallelujah! What a Savior!”

  Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream.

  Larry Crabb

  Now it is required that those who have been

  given a trust must prove faithful.

  1 Corinthians 4:2

  April 12, 2009

  Easter is here whether I am ready or not. By the time I push the button to post this blog, it will be officially past midnight and it will be Easter Sunday.

  This year, I didn’t do the official Easter shopping outing where the little girls get new dresses, nor did any of the eggs get colored (plastic will do this year, right?). For that matter, the official Chapman Easter baskets were left in the attic and I didn’t make it to the store to buy the Easter candy.

  Easter just kind of snuck up on me. I knew it was coming, but somehow I thought if I didn’t look, it would go right on by without much pain. I think I was mistaken.

  Definitely a different Easter. All of us Chapmans spread out and not together. It is mostly different, though, because of one little squinty-eyed girl who made this family complete with her belly giggle and her infectious personality . . . truly a silly, silly goober!

  She is painfully missed, and the hole that is left in her absence is one that is the shape of her and her alone. No one else can fill the empty place that Maria left. While I’ve been reflecting on that, however, I began to think again of Easter and what all it represents.

  Until now, Christmas has always been my favorite holiday to celebrate. Why wouldn’t it be? Presents to each other, and Christ as a baby – the present to the world so that we could be saved! A beautiful holiday filled with so much joy, expectation, and celebration. Everything we celebrate at Christmas is really in the form of a present, nicely wrapped with a beautiful bow . . . but without Easter, Christmas would be just another day.