Choosing to SEE

by Mary Beth Chapman

  Easter has been “colored up” to be a pretty day filled with baskets, candy, gifts, and eggs. But Easter is messy. Easter is the cross. Easter meant suffering. No Christmas without the cross. I hope we as Christians never forget what that symbol of the cross truly means. We have a Savior who put Himself in human form as an infant, fully knowing what the cost would be on the day we celebrate as Easter.

  I am thankful in a special way this year.

  The suffering of Jesus is comforting to me when I think about Easter without Maria. But even more comforting is that Jesus rose from the dead, walked out of the tomb. People saw Him and touched Him. They knew it was Him, they knew His voice, they touched His scars.

  How exciting it is for me to grasp that the risen Lord could be touched, heard, and recognized. Jesus ascended into heaven like that, which tells me that I will see Maria again. I will touch and hug my little cuddle bug in the most physical sense.

  I have that hope, not just because of Christmas, but because of what was accomplished on the cross! It is hard to live in this reality most days. It has been hard beyond what I thought I could ever withstand. However, the work on the cross that was done on my behalf, on your behalf, is what I have to hold onto. It has to be what causes me to take steps forward in this life.

  Sometimes it is ten steps forward and five steps back, and sometimes it is one step forward and twenty steps back, but I’m moving . . . slowly but surely with my eyes on the prize. Eternity with Christ and a reunion with a chubby little girl that I didn’t get near enough hugs and kisses from this side of the veil.

  April 23, 2009

  Now I find myself sitting in my home all by myself, all dressed up, waiting on my ride to the Grand Ole Opry House where the 40th annual Dove Awards will be. I am excited to be going with my hubby of twenty-four years and am so proud of how he has walked our journey out these last eleven months. He has been so broken but open and humble before God and his family.

  The way he has led us through this darkest of valleys has been inspiring to me. I would not be where I am in my grief journey without Steven being right there to catch me when I fall. In my humble opinion, he is husband and father of the year. When the absolute toughest of situations was given to our family to navigate through, God totally knew that Steven was the man to lead all of us through the valley of the shadow of death.

  It hasn’t been easy, but at every turn or curve in the road, Steven has sought the wisdom of our Father in Heaven to guide us and hold us up. I say this today to simply ask that you all pray for us as we go tonight to the Dove Awards. That we would honor God for the giftings that He has so graciously poured out on Steven. That the entire Chapman family would be a witness to the faithfulness of God. Not that we have it all together and figured out, but that we are clinging to the only hope we have, the One who does have it all together and figured out, Jesus!

  May 2, 2009

  I am so thankful that Will and his friends were great sports and let us photo-hungry parents do about a half-hour session before they headed off to dinner and then the prom, which was held on a boat this year!

  They all ended up at my house later, and had a great time. Prom yesterday, wedding next Sunday – yikes!

  My eighteen-year-old going to senior prom and graduating, and my nineteen-year-old getting married and moving into a house! My head is spinning a bit as I try and savor all the emotions and joy that come with these landmark moments in a young adult’s life.

  And the funny thing right now is that I am sitting here with my nine-year-old watching old Little House on the Prairie episodes!

  May 3, 2009

  Prom, bridal tea! Again, what a mix of emotions! I am so blessed. I would appreciate tons of prayers, as so many events in May do not take away two days that I see staring straight at me: May 13th, sweet Maria’s birthday, and as most of you know, May 21st, the first anniversary of losing Maria.

  I would give anything to push rewind, but for some reason, God has us walking through glorious and devastating all at the same time. My prayer is that we walk it out with honesty and humility, giving all honor to the One who is walking us through this month of mountaintops and valleys. I won’t ever pretend to understand, but I do want to be found offering up the confusion and questions to the Author and Keeper of all things. Love to all and thanks for journeying with me.

  May 5, 2009

  My son Caleb took me on a “date” last night! A sweet last memory before he takes Julia as his bride this Sunday, Mother’s Day. I was going to remind him that when he was a little boy he always talked about never leaving me. He used to tell me he would move right down the yard into the tree house and always take care of me.

  But before I could remind him of that, he handed me a Mother’s Day card. Inside that card was the sweetest note, apologizing that he can’t keep his tree house promise!

  I would tell him when he was little that someday a sweet young lady would come along and change his mind. He’d wrinkle his nose and say, “No way, Mom!”

  Well, that sweet young lady is here – Julia – and this mom and all the Chapmans love her dearly! And they bought a house not five miles from us . . . pretty good considering the whole tree house promise!

  May 13, 2009

  Maria’s birthday. I honestly don’t know what to write or what to say. I can think of all the “right” things to say, like, “I’m thankful for the years I had with Maria.”

  That is a true statement, but I still want more years with her.

  I’ve heard things like, “She wasn’t mine to begin with.” That is a true statement as well. She belongs to God. He gave her to me so that I could be her mommy. But I still want to be her mommy . . . I wasn’t prepared to give her back to the One who gave her to me.

  I wish with everything in me that I was spending my night trying to figure out what cake I would make, or what cookies or cupcakes I would be taking to her classroom tomorrow to celebrate her sixth birthday.

  But tomorrow will come and go, and Maria won’t turn six. At least not here on earth. I’m not sure how it all works in heaven, but I do know that she is complete and whole and happy. But here, this side of the veil, it really just stinks. I miss her and I’d love to have her jump up on my lap with icing all over her and taste her sweet kisses.

  Maria was always just a giggle away from a full-on laugh fest. She was the absolute picture of fun and mischief. Our home isn’t the same without her, it is much quieter. Our family isn’t the same without her, it is like a chunk of our whole body is missing and the wound feels as though it will never heal.

  But . . . I will say that I am certain that the world is a better place for knowing who Maria was. I would give anything to have her back . . . to push rewind and go back and have this all be different. But because we can’t, we have to point others to the One who is singing “Happy Birthday” to her now.

  So as much as we can, we will use our suffering as a place where people see our hope and our faith.

  I’m sad. I’m really, really, catastrophically sad. I’m not sure when it will be better. I guess I will get through this but not ever will I get over it! So I will journey on, knowing that this isn’t my home, and that when I reach my journey’s end, I will be with Maria longer than I will have been without her.

  I can’t thank you all enough for the prayers and the support for our family. Please continue to pray for us, but also take time to pray for all families who have suffered loss, that Christ will meet them somewhere in their grief journey and they will encounter Him. Bless you today, on this the birthday reminder of my precious Maria Sue. With that said, I guess I will simply name this blog . . . “I Wanted More.”

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  Balloons, Lady Bugs,

  and May 21

  Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.

  Frederick Buechner

  God is it true that You’re thinking of me at this moment? />
  God is it true that You hear every prayer that I pray?

  God is it true every time my heart beats You know it?

  Well if it’s all true Then that must be You I hear saying “Trust Me”

  “God Is It True (Trust Me)”

  Words and music by Steven Curtis Chapman

  May 14, 2009

  Steven and I went to school to help Stevey Joy’s class remember Maria. The moms had arranged balloons for the kids to write notes on and let go in honor of our sweet Maria. We told the class a few stories and fun memories of Maria, and then everyone wrote their notes.

  We then went outside to pray and release our balloons. Steven prayed the sweetest prayer and then, just as God would have it, it was quite windy . . . and we let our balloons go! They blew right up over the church and over the steeple.

  Maria loved ladybugs. When we picked out the spot for her shell to be buried, we found a ladybug there. Just about every time we go, a ladybug is there. Maria’s sheets in her room were even ladybugs!

  At any rate . . . right after the balloons were released and the kids were squealing with excitement, I heard Stevey Joy yell, “Hey, look!”

  As I looked down, a ladybug was crawling up her hand. It crawled to the top of her finger and flew away, just like the balloons.

  Later that day, family and friends gathered at our barn, had cupcakes, sang “Happy Birthday” to Maria, and did the same thing again! We wrote notes on the balloons and sent them all at once up into the heavens. Part of me couldn’t help but want to go right along with the balloons . . . to be gathered up by the wind and be swept to heaven to be with Maria.

  I said a silent prayer, asking Jesus to come quickly and to give my Maria a big, tight hug and let her know I love her.

  May 21, 2009

  Never in a million years would I think I would be sitting here on May 21, 2009. Most of my words will seem empty today because I’m kind of in a surreal place in my heart as I try and express this journey that the Chapman family has been on this past year!

  Here is what I feel as this day starts out. Sad beyond sad that she isn’t here. Angry and mad that this had to happen. Confused and bewildered that it had to involve Maria’s big brother, who absolutely adored her. Paralyzing fear that I won’t be able to pull through the pain and be able to completely let her go. Speechless to know how to grieve my baby girl, who gave me soooo much laughter and joy, and then turn around and hold tightly to the young man who is walking through this tragedy at eighteen years old . . . Maria’s buddy, Will (the bravest young man I know!). And at my darkest place, I wonder . . . God, where are you and why in the world would you choose us to walk this out . . . it isn’t fair!

  And then, all of a sudden, I hear this other voice in my head that reminds me over and over again of not what I feel, but what I know.

  It might on certain days be buried deep down in my heart and have a hard time computing to my brain, but here is what I know and what I choose to believe, over and over again. I know God loves me and my family. I know God is sovereign and He knows what is best for us. I know He has our days numbered and makes no mistakes. I know that He will bring beauty from ashes . . . that is what I cling to in order to make it through another twenty-four hours.

  Isaiah 53:3 kept going through my head the day of the accident: “He was . . . a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering.”

  I said it over and over and over again. He is a Savior who took on the suffering for all of us. He knows what it is like to suffer! I love how The Message puts Psalm 30:5 – ”The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.”

  I have to choose to believe this right now. I have cried so many tears mixed with the sadness of missing Maria and the joy of remembering her! I think when those tears get all mixed up together and fall, it has to water the dry places of our hearts and begin to slowly start healing us. If not, I would just wither up and die.

  I believe that God has not wasted a single bucket of tears that have been cried for this brave little girl who so wanted her brother to put her on the monkey bars that day, and the brave young man who has chosen to allow God to begin to heal him and use him for His glory!

  I can only begin to imagine the story and testimony that Will Franklin will have. But please, don’t stop praying for him. As with any tragic situation, there are good days and not so good days. We prayed for two miracles one year ago today . . . that Maria’s life would be spared and that Will’s life would be spared. God chose to bring a spunky little stinker named Maria to Him, while He needed a brave, heroic young man to begin to tell the testimony of how Christ is ministering mercy and peace to him.

  There is no doubt in my mind that God will change lives through Will Franklin’s walk with Christ . . . so please, please, pray God’s protection over him, that he would continue to allow God’s healing power to pour over him!

  I told someone yesterday that I feel as though I’m not just walking through a desert right now . . . I’m wandering in it with no clear path in front of me. It is a very desperate place to be, and on lots of days I’m strong on the outside but a mess on the inside. But I must hold on to the very real fact that Jesus has gone to prepare a place for me . . . that where He is, I will also be!

  That is very, very good news . . . because my Maria is there in that big, big house . . . with lots and lots of rooms and food! I will see her again, and I will be with her then for far longer than I have to be without her now! It stinks on this side of the veil, and at times I’ve tied a knot on the end of my rope and am just barely hanging on . . . but I’m hanging!

  I’m pretty certain that I am still on the journey of making peace with the fact that this tragedy happened to our family. Nonetheless, I’m journeying on. I am trusting that the Giver of life will bestow the wisdom and strength needed to journey faithfully to the end of my time here on earth, where I’ll hear and SEE Christ say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant!” And then I will run into the arms of that little Curious George who I’m sure will be standing there in her monkey underwear and nothing else but a big grin that makes it all okay!

  I want to thank the thousands of you who have sent comments, emails, cards, letters, memorials. . . . We are completely humbled by your goodness and kindness to continue to lift us up in this way and by continuing to pray for our whole family! We know for certain that those prayers, which we physically feel daily, are helping us get up in the mornings and to simply breathe! We love you all so much. Please don’t stop!

  May 24, 2009

  Tonight was the graduation ceremony at Christ Presbyterian Academy, exactly one year to the day that we stood on that very platform to say goodbye to our little girl, Maria Sue.

  God is either a truth or a lie. Everything He has said and promised is either 100 percent true, or it is lie after lie after lie. Today, along with many days this year, Satan was crushed, and what the Enemy intended for evil . . . God intended for good, and great it was!

  Every senior has a blessing written for them and a Scripture verse read over them as they graduate from CPA. The seniors, once again in honor of Maria and our family and the fact that it was the anniversary of the funeral, walked barefooted, symbolizing they were on holy ground!

  The speakers both touched on the fact that the graduates of 2009 have grown deeply rooted in their faith because tragedy not only struck once, but three times this year. In May, it was our sweet Maria. In October, a teacher at our school suddenly passed away, leaving a senior daughter to wade the waters of grief. And then in March of 2009, a CPA student took his own life, which rocked the entire community.

  This class has been through a lot and they have come through stronger than most, because I believe God has a great plan for the students of the class of 2009.

  A day of mourning . . . ashes . . . one year later a place of beauty. The pain is still there . . . most of the time as sharp as ever . . . God allowing the chisel and hammer to do His beautiful work in and amongst our friends and fa
mily. Maria’s death has taken a toll on a lot of us, not just our family. Those closest to us are mourning and grieving her just as deeply as we are, and the toll it has taken on them is as great as ours.

  It is just not as fun without Maria. She was the funniest, most stubborn hoot of a little girl ever. We will always be different because we knew her . . . we will always be different because we lost her.

  Could it be that this little girl was simply given to us for a short time so that she would ask Jesus into her heart, and then as simple as that was, leave just two months later to go be with Him?

  Hard to fathom, but completely something only God could orchestrate! Lord, I trust you . . . help my unbelief. That is where I am, slowly, slowly wallowing through this complex journey God has set before us Chapmans, who long to show a suffering world that there is hope . . . but only through Him.

  Blessing and Scripture for Will Chapman

  on the occasion of his high school graduation

  Will Franklin Chapman – Courageous, “appointed one,” gifted, authentic, and tender; one who has walked with vulnerability and grace through the most trying of times; Will knows what is important and what he values; resourceful, resilient, more than a survivor; a persistent warrior who knows which battles to fight; great sense of humor; excellent musician and great team player; he has walked out the gospel before us; given the gift of faith to carry him through, he is and will be an overcomer and a conqueror . . . steadfast in spirit; he has a radiance and transparency that draw us to Christ.

  “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:25–26 NIV).

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  New Songs

  God is always working to make His children aware of a dream that remains alive beneath the rubble of every shattered dream, a new dream that when realized will release a new song, sung with tears, till God wipes them away and we sing with nothing but joy in our hearts.