Choosing to SEE
Page 22
Larry Crabb
June 7, 2009
I believe God led me to Psalm 40:1–3 today. I’m going to write it out in the present tense; how I SEE the process of losing Maria is working itself out in the Chapman family:
I wait patiently for the Lord; He will turn to me and hear my cries. He will lift me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire [of loss and grief and anguish of why?]; He will set my feet on a rock and give me a firm place to stand. He will and is putting a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will SEE and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
As I write this, I am realizing the changes that are happening to the Chapmans in these upcoming months.
Tanner and Emily: preparing for a move to Ireland for a year. They will be attending Bible college. May many who meet them SEE Him as they share not only their song of sorrow over the loss of Maria, but the new song that He alone is writing on their hearts. God is their Redeemer, the One who is setting their feet back on solid ground and giving them a new song to sing, a story of redemption to tell, so that many will know Him!
Caleb, Julia, and Will: Caleb has been writing music for some time now. Julia and Will have been right by his side. Now, Caleb and Will have a testimony to steward well. God has entrusted all of them a new song. It’s like the parable of the talents. Caleb and Will can bury theirs or use them for the world to SEE an amazing story of forgiveness and redemption.
Again, a song of sorrow over the loss of Maria, but a new song coming up out of the mud and mire as they tell of a God who will hold them and set them on a solid foundation. (Interesting that our pond is mud and mire, and that is where Caleb held Will the day of the accident and where Caleb ripped Will’s shirt off and threw it into that mud.) May many who hear their story SEE only Jesus who can save and do the miracles He has done with my boys.
Julia is an amazing part of all of this, and may she be blessed beyond measure as she supports the process so the new song can be sung!
Shaohannah Hope and Stevey Joy: God has seen fit to leave me with Hope and Joy. My two princesses give me a reason to get up in the mornings and push through the difficult days. God is the God who heals, and I am beginning to SEE a new song in your beautiful Asian eyes!
Many, many days I still hear the song of sorrow being played, but every now and again there are notes of a new song.
Girls, may you make a hopeful and joyful noise unto the Lord as He continues to write your story. I won’t ever pretend to understand the why this side of heaven . . . but as your mommy, I vow to help you understand that God is writing a new song in you and He hasn’t left you and never will. We’ll sing it together, no matter which way the melody goes!
Steven: You sing your songs with a new fervor! There is a new urgency in you. I can see it in how you sing and in how you speak. But as I wait patiently (sometimes not so patiently!) for the new recording to be finished, I know He has written something new through you!
It couldn’t have been fun, probably mostly painful as you grieved your little girl through the pen as it was poured out with tears into new songs. I know this was a different process for you, but please trust me when I say that the world will SEE and hear and many will put their trust in the Lord. Not because of you and your abilities, but because you have been a willing, broken vessel into which you’ve allowed God to pour Himself. You have set the example for your family on how to allow God to leak out of the broken places of our lives.
Again, I don’t like it one bit. I would be just fine with a perfectly unbroken vase, especially one that wasn’t broken over the loss of a child. But I’m trusting that God saw fit to entrust us to steward this catastrophic loss well. May He be honored with all us Chapmans as we do our best to let the world SEE that He alone is the Author of our salvation, the Mender of our hearts, the Healer of souls.
38
Maria’s Big House of Hope
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19
June 23, 2009
Tonight we celebrated the official name change of Shaohannah’s Hope to Show Hope! We also had the honor of doing a stateside dedication of Maria’s Big House of Hope.
An overwhelming number of our supporters, friends, and family turned out to support us in the process. We had a packed house and several key media outlets were on hand to capture this bittersweet time, dedicating this facility that can serve orphans in China! While I still don’t like the fact that Maria isn’t with us in the flesh, I am humbled to have a front row seat to watch God do a new and amazing thing in her honor.
Here’s Show Hope’s “official” word on this incredible ministry:
Location: Luoyang City in the Henan Province, China
Size: 6 floors, 60,000 square feet
Capacity: 128 orphans with special needs
Staff: 190 staff members and nannies at full capacity
Medical Staff: Full time doctor and 5 full time nurses
Maria’s Big House of Hope, located in one of the poorest provinces of China, was built by Show Hope, a ministry founded by Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman. Show Hope created this beautiful home to give over 120 orphans with special needs the love, shelter, medical care, and hope they so desperately need.
The painful reality facing orphans with special needs is that they don’t have the advocacy of a parent or resources of a family . . . so they don’t often receive care and lifesaving treatment. As a result, many are left to languish alone, and too many die, though their special need might well have been surgically correctable.
Maria’s Big House of Hope cares for the least of the least, saving the lives of those we can, and giving the highest level of holistic care to all the children who pass through our doors. This remarkable facility includes floors for children in need of acute care before and after surgery, a floor for those waiting for a forever family, and hospice care for the children who will soon pass away, so they can look to the hope of heaven while being cared for with tender love and attention.
July 2, 2009
Maria’s Big House officially opened today! National and local government officials were there to honor Show Hope’s efforts to help the special needs orphans of China! We really felt the Spirit of God as we stood there in front of Maria’s Big House and dedicated it back to Him and in honor of Maria, who was a special needs orphan herself!
There were several speeches, certificates given to us to commemorate the day, and Steven sang, of all songs, “Yours” – which was so awesome, standing there on a stage saying, It is all God’s! Right there in China!
July 4, 2009
I wish I had the exact words to describe the emotions and thoughts that were flooding through me as we pulled up to Maria’s Big House after all the business and excitement of the grand opening was over and it was just us.
Our group from Tennessee pulled through the gate in the morning with nothing on the agenda but to play, hold, sing, pray, bless, experience this place that has been honored with Maria’s name!
There are so far about forty children transitioned into the house, with room for about ninety more. They will transition in groups from mostly the Luoyang city orphanage. Some will come from other areas for surgeries and special care.
We took tons of pictures, cried lots of tears, and sang lots of praise songs through the halls of this special place. We walked into every room, singing praise and worship over the entire place, ending on the roof! We read blessings that Show Hope sponsors had written for the children and prayed that God would do a mighty work in this place.
We ended by going to the Tinker Bell room. We sang “Big House” as loud as we could while the children who are with us started a train through the room.
A pretty special day, but a hard one. I spent some quiet time alone sitting under the mural of the Disney movie Cars painted in one of the rooms, which is currently empty. Maria loved Mater. She used to
say all the time, “My name is Mater, as in toe-Mater except without the toe!”
As I sat there quietly, I tried desperately to hear her sweet voice saying that phrase. She would have loved all the rooms, but the one that would have made her giggle would have been the Mater room, as she would have called it, and the Tinker Bell room. All girl with a little tomboy was my sweet Maria! Oh, to hear that sweet little voice again!
All I heard was silence as I begged God to let me hear her. Nothing.
Then in the distance I began to hear the voices of the little ones living in Maria’s Big House of Hope. Whether it was a giggle, cry, or babble, I began to realize that it was up to me to make a choice.
I’m not going to hear Maria’s voice again this side of heaven, unless I choose to hear it differently . . . in the voices of these little ones who are going to receive life-giving care in this facility. She is here . . . I have to believe . . . cheering us on because she SEEs fully what we still struggle to SEE. That God is working all things together for good for those who love Him. She knows how this story ends and what it will look like when we are all together again.
But until then, her voice will carry on in these precious, broken little people who are in the care of Maria’s Big House of Hope!
July 8, 2009
July 8, 2004: Steven, Shaoey, and I were handed the youngest Chapman. “Gotcha Day,” for those of you who don’t know, is the day that you receive your child in China. Sometimes the official adoption day is the same day, and sometimes it is a few days later.
At any rate, July 8, 2004, was Maria’s Gotcha Day. She was adopted a few days later . . . and our lives were changed forever and for the better!
This trip to China, while incredible and good and full of God’s love and grace, has also been full of memories of Maria being here, and all of the “what ifs” that the Enemy would like to throw at me. I gotta be honest, I’ve seen some hard things the last couple of days, and the empathy that I could have with these people because of my loss was an incredible gift, for the reason of being able to relate, but I found myself also being so angry at the simple question: “Why, God? Why so much suffering in the world? There are so many broken lives everywhere!”
I just would like to say . . . I am so sorry for anyone reading this who is suffering in some form or fashion. Be it health, spouse, child, financial, whatever the reason . . . loss and suffering are hard and very unpredictable. I still trust in the One who gave us Maria to love for such a short time, but I am also a person who trusts while doubting at the same time. I am just being honest. I pray to God that He would build my trust and that my doubting would turn to rejoicing in time.
Maria, you are and will always be my sunshine who makes me happy! I love you, Mommy
July 20, 2009
I was in complete shock when I saw how beautiful our friends had made Maria’s memory and Big House look! I have to admit, though, what I remember most about walking in wasn’t the beautiful painting as much as it was their smiles . . . so badly wanting me to approve and love it!
How could I not love it?
I still find myself walking around this place, named after my sweet Maria, begging God to rewind time, to change it back to the way it was even as I SEE the amazing things going on here. I know God understands this mama’s heart, because He is the One who gave it to me in the first place. But again, as I really stop . . . as I really listen, as I really observe . . . I SEE the good change and the God change that is taking place here.
Miracles happen every day. Some children live and receive life-giving medical care, and others are comforted as they live out their number of days this side of the veil.
In a strange way, I feel Maria closest to me when I spend time with the ones who are in hospice care. I can only imagine it is because these little ones are so close to seeing Jesus, and Maria is SEEing Jesus. I picture her there waiting to receive those little ones from MBHOH and usher them into the arms of Jesus!
July 24, 2009
I was standing in the lobby of Maria’s Big House looking at the finished artwork, when all of a sudden here they came: two new heart babies through the front door! I immediately reached out my arms and this little guy was placed in my embrace . . . and I fell instantly in love with another little man.
This little guy’s diagnosis is not positive and thus he is in palliative care, which is like hospice. My heart is so heavy for him. I spent time making him coo and giggle before rocking him to sleep this morning, and now . . . I find myself thinking of him constantly and praying that God would do a miracle in this little boy.
If not, it’s good to know that his care will be compassionate. I told this little guy all about Maria, and I’m quite convinced that when it’s time for his life here on earth to be over, he’ll be greeted by one sweet little angel – who also knew what it felt like for me to hold her and rock her to sleep.
August 10, 2009
Please continue to pray for us . . . we have so much to process. China was so incredible, and I long to be there more and more. But the girls start school on Monday, which will always be sad with one missing. Emily and Tanner leave for Ireland on September 8. Caleb (with Julia cheering him on) is in meetings about upcoming music opportunities with Will.
So many changes and we have a lot of decisions to make for the rest of 2009 and 2010. Pray that God will lead clearly!
August 22, 2009
This post finds me very saddened, yet grateful over the loss of the precious little guy I told you about from Maria’s Big House of Hope just about a month ago.
I was given the privilege of giving him his English name. Hudson, after James Hudson Taylor, an amazing missionary to China!
This little guy’s eyes locked onto mine immediately, and I knew I was in trouble. I spent a lot of the rest of my time rocking and singing and snuggling little Hudson. He was born on a 21st, which is the date of Maria’s passing, and it happened to be the 21st of July when he arrived at MBHOH.
I was gentle with him as he was fragile and struggling to breathe. Every day I carefully carried him down to the Cars room and showed him the murals of Lightning McQueen and Mater. I told Hudson about Maria and what she was like and where she lives now.
One day, while Emily was rocking Hudson, I was leaning over top of him talking silly like mamas do. I was trying to get a first-ever smile out of him.
I wouldn’t have believed what happened next if I didn’t have Emily as a witness. I was saying in a very silly voice that I was going to pray hard that God would heal him. I told Hudson that I longed to have him healed this side of heaven, but if God chose to take him home early, an amazing little girl named Maria would be waiting for him when he got to heaven!
At the exact moment I said “Maria,” Hudson let out his first-ever giggle and smile.
It gave me goose bumps, and I froze. I said, “Emily, please tell me that you saw that!”
She saw it too.
When I left China and came home, I continued to pray for Hudson and all the little ones at MBHOH. I knew that everything was being done that could be done, and I was so grateful that he had found his way to MBHOH. I bought a soft blanket and had his name embroidered on it so that Hudson would have his own snuggly blanket from me. In some way, I hoped that he would sense it was from someone who was really fighting for him on this side of the world.
I received word a couple of days ago that Hudson had taken a turn for the worse. I was really struck again at how short life can be, such a wisp of time and we will be in heaven . . .
Tonight I got a call from my sweet, sweet husband . . . Steven had received the call that little Hudson had passed on, so now he is healed, and he is running in heaven with his new heart with absolutely no problems breathing!
I just know my Maria was waiting for him . . . I am sad, I am heartbroken, but I’m not without hope.
Without hope, Hudson may never have heard the words, “Jesus loves you, this I know,” sung to him over and over again. God, who gave
us Jesus, knew in His infinite wisdom that for such a time as this, God’s people would move and Maria’s Big House would be built.
I am so grateful tonight, as I lie here with my two girls, for everyone involved with making this amazing place happen. God can accomplish great things through His people who are willing to act . . . and because of that, this little guy with big brown eyes, would be loved, cuddled, and sung to, right up until he was seeing the face of Jesus . . . with an anxious Maria peeking over His shoulder, busting at the seams to meet one of the residents of her namesake.
I am so honored to be a part of MBHOH . . . but to God alone be all the glory. May we always be found willing to do what He is asking of us. I’m pretty sure His voice usually isn’t loud and clear . . . so get quiet and really listen to that still, small voice. Things might get risky and crazy and break your heart at times, but it is all worth it!
I leave all of you who are hurting or suffering in some way a quote from the man little Hudson was named after, James Hudson Taylor:
May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself.
Everything, including our pain, is His. I am thankful He will meet me in it.
39
Kissing the Fat
We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
C. S. Lewis
September 11, 2009
I went through some of Stevey Joy’s and Maria’s things today. I had to get Stevey Joy’s desk organized. I’ve been putting it off for well over a year now, but it was time to face some more memories and pain. I was going through old journals. Stevey Joy has a glittery princess one, and Maria had a green Tinker Bell one.
While I was thumbing through Maria’s journal, I stopped on a page that brought tears and joy and pain to me all at the same time. On a page near the back I found a six-petal flower and a butterfly, completely and brightly colored in by my sweet little goober of a girl.