Hard Focus

by MariaLisa deMora

  “No, I don’t think you did.” Cole dipped his chin and looked down at his hands. “It wasn’t why I came over, but”—he raised his gaze to capture hers and looked at her with a keen concentration—“damned if I didn’t find something I want.” A slow smile crept across his face, lips curving to the side to expose a deep dimple in his cheek. “You said right now.” She nodded. “That mean maybe someday?” Connie froze for a moment, then gave him a single, slow nod as he moved around the table to where she stood. He gripped the back of her chair and pulled it out from under the table. With a gentle hand, he guided her to sit, sliding the chair underneath her with surprising ease. “I can deal with someday.” Heat blazed across the nape of her neck as he shifted her hair to one side, then she felt the soft touch of his fingers against her skin. “I said it before, Connie. I can wait.”

  She watched as he strode back to his chair and took his seat, fussing with his napkin for a moment. She realized he was giving her a moment to gather herself, so she took in a deep breath and then handed the serving spoon across the dish he’d made for them. “Guests first,” she said, gasping when his fingers grazed hers on the handle. It seemed every look, every touch was amplified. “It smells good.” She stared at her plate where food had appeared as if by magic. “So,” she swallowed the first bite, groaning as the flavors burst on her tongue, “good.” Her praise was rewarded by his crooked smile and he huffed a soft laugh, flashing that dimple at her again. Holy Jesus, he’s good-looking. Returning to the safe topic of her question from earlier in the evening, she asked, “What brings you here tonight, Cole?”

  “Have you met my sister?” Her head snapped up and she stared at him. “Officially met her, I mean?”

  She shook her head and swallowed. “No, I haven’t. I never did. It was…well, it was awkward, and that was before I understood what had happened.” If he could tread carefully along the edges of the event, so could she. As long as neither of them took it head-on, she hoped she could get through tonight.

  “She’s the best. I’m the oldest of the four of us, and she’s next after me. It was just us two for a while, before Mom and Dad’s tiny terrorists came along.” He smiled, and Connie watched his eyes soften, an affection for his family shining through.

  “Not so tiny anymore.”

  He smiled at her quip and shook his head. “Nope, they’re big boys these days. Dad’s a construction worker; Mom subbed as a teacher when she wasn’t holding down the home fort. He was always proud of her, said she was making a difference in the world. How he looked when he talked about Mom inspired me to do what I do. I wanted someone to be that proud of me.” He shrugged. “I know Audrey was the same. Fortunately for her, she got the smarts to be a nurse. School was easy for her, and she aced her boards when it came time to take them. We were all so proud of her.” He paused, and something flickered across his expression. “Are so proud of her.”

  “Did she like being a nurse? Nursing? It’s called nursing, right?” He’d just forked a bite into his mouth and she watched him chew as he nodded.

  “Yeah. It was like she’d been born to it. She loved taking care of people, said it was her calling.” He sighed and stared at his plate, pushing the last couple of bites around. “She said it was all she wanted. Claimed she didn’t have a biological clock.”

  “She didn’t want kids?” Connie did, in an abstract way, but it wasn’t something she was focused on now, or could see herself working towards. Maybe I like the idea of kids more than I want to have them? She shook the thought off, watching as Cole studied the tabletop.

  “Nope. Told our parents years ago if they wanted grands, they’d have to talk one of us boys into settling down.” He flicked a glance up at Connie’s face, then back down to his plate. “Then what happened, happened, and suddenly there she was in the middle of everything. Something none of us would have wished on our worst enemy, and then on top of it, the pregnancy.”

  “Why did she stop nursing?” Connie laid her fork aside, all appetite gone. “Did she have trouble?”

  “By the time she healed from what he did to her, she said she couldn’t stand to go back to where she worked. That’s where the ambulance took her, you know? So everyone she worked with knew every grisly detail. That’s all she could think of when she tried to go back, imagining every conversation was about her.” He shook his head. “She transferred to another hospital, but then found out she was pregnant. Seemed like everything was stacked against her. So she retreated into her house for months. Mom and me, we’d go over and sweet talk her out, take her to the store or doctor, but mostly she just wanted to stay inside. Hunker down and lick her wounds, you know?”

  “That would be so hard to watch. I can’t imagine what it was like for you.”

  “I can’t imagine what it was like for her. For the longest time, I wouldn’t talk about it with her, even if she brought it up. It hurt…that she’d been violated like that. Hurt me because I wasn’t there to stop it. Hurt me because she was my little sister, and I was supposed to be able to fix anything, you know? To protect her.” His hands rested on either side of his plate, fingers pressed against the surface firmly as if he were holding himself in place. “I wasn’t on shift the night it happened, but a buddy of mine called as soon as he realized. I met them at the ER.” He sighed heavily. “That’s not what I want to talk about, not really.”

  “What then?” Connie was riveted by the pain on his face, torn between wanting to try and help him through this however she could or to turn away and give him privacy.

  He gestured at the table. “Can I clean up? Is that more presumptuous than inviting myself to cook supper? I do better when I’m busy.”

  “Sure, Cole. Whatever you need.” His eyes fixed on her face at those words and Connie chewed her lip for a moment before pushing away from the table. “I’ll help carry stuff into the kitchen.”

  As they had while preparing the meal, she and Cole quickly fell into an easy rhythm as they stored and sorted leftovers from trash. So much so that she was startled when he began speaking again.

  “I love my sister. That’s a fact. I love Addy, too.” He splashed water onto a plate and took a swipe at the residue with the cloth in his hand. “Did you love him? Jonas?”

  “No.” Connie was glad to be able to answer that quickly and firmly, leaving no doubt. “We were dating, and I figured out quickly it was never going to be that for me. Then a couple of things happened, and I called an end.”

  Cole nodded. “Did he ever seem off? When you learned what happened, were there points in time when you could look back and say, ‘there, he showed his true colors there’?”

  “Only the last couple of weeks we were dating, to be honest. It was after things had started to break down between us. All of that started the weekend we took Addy to the zoo.” Cole’s cheek lifted and crinkled, showing off his dimple, and she realized he was smiling. “What?”

  “She loved going to the zoo with you.” He rinsed a glass. “She likes you a lot.”

  “I like her, too. She’s easy to like, always so sweet and well-behaved.”

  “What was breaking down? What happened?” Cole glanced at her. “I’m not digging for anything in particular with this. Just trying to get a sense of how a monster could hide himself like that and fool a smart, gorgeous woman like you.”

  “I don’t feel too smart when I think about it,” she confessed, ignoring the compliment. “I’ve been wracking my brains trying to sort out what I believed and felt from what I now know. I feel like such a fool, to be honest.” She nearly didn’t continue, but the words leapt free before she could stop them. “I know how fortunate I was. I don’t know why he was different with me, but it didn’t have anything to do with me as a person.”

  “You were lucky, and Audrey wasn’t. Sucks to think something like that coming down to a fluke.” Tendons flexed and jumped in the back of his neck as he turned away from her, and Connie waited until he was ready to continue, the splashing of the water a soo
thing counterpoint to the high emotions running through the small kitchen. “You aren’t a fool, though. He hid what he was capable of. Even picking up Addy, he was different when you were there. More controlled, less antagonistic and aggressive.” Cole shook his head. “I tried to be the same every time, but he would change based on the audience.”

  “He was mean at the end. That’s what made me back away, which only made him angrier. I called him on it, wouldn’t let him get away with talking to me or anyone else that way, and he…” Cole reached out and touched her wrist, the joint suddenly aching with the remembered pain of bruises long healed and faded away. Connie nodded. “Yeah. He grabbed me and I yanked free. I was afraid but angry, and I kept yelling until he left.”

  “That was here? He came here and got inside?” Eyes wide, Cole stared around the kitchen and then back at Connie. “Alden said something about it.”

  “He was waiting for me outside, and then forced his way in. I didn’t let him do anything. But that was the first time I was really scared of him.” She paused for a minute thinking. “That was after Addy’s birthday. He’d told me to pick her up, and I knew it was a bad idea, but he said he was stuck at work.” Cole laughed harshly. “What?”

  “He blamed me for that, but I didn’t have anything to do with it.” Cole placed the last dish in the dishwasher and opened the cabinet under the sink, grunting in satisfaction when he found the detergent. “If I’d thought about it, I would have.”

  “What happened? I was so angry with him I didn’t care enough to ask.” Connie locked the machine’s door and pushed the cycle button, then backed away to lean against the countertop again.

  Cole took the damp rag and wiped down the faucet and handles. “His PO showed up at work and had an impromptu interview.”

  “Probation officer.” Connie hummed. “Now it all makes sense. He was so angry. I was glad Audrey didn’t let him have Addy.”

  “Alden told us to hold him to the letter of the agreement the courts forced on her. No changes, no late pickup, no late drop-off. He never pushed that last, thank goodness, because it would have been traumatic for Addy to watch him get arrested for kidnapping.”

  “Kidnapping?” Connie felt her eyes go wide and Cole nodded.

  “If he’d been late dropping Addy off, that’s what the charges would have been. He seemed to have a sixth sense for skirting the edges of things. Never quite getting to that point.” Cole turned and angled a hip against the countertop. He stared at Connie for a moment. “So once you had a sense he wasn’t as advertised, you cut him loose?”

  “Pretty much. The zoo trip started it, and then that last disastrous scene at Audrey’s cinched the deal for me. I’ve got a good life, great friends, and I know my own worth. I wasn’t about to let a man like that try to tear me down to fit whatever mold he had in mind.”

  “I’m glad for you. That he showed his ass like that. I just wish I understood. I keep thinking if I understand, then I’ll be able to make things better somehow.” He shrugged, gesturing helplessly. “It doesn’t sit well with me. I’m a fixer.”

  She smiled. “No doubt. Sounds like it’s in your genes. What do your younger brothers do for a living?”

  “Ryan’s a teacher. He’s after Audrey in the line-up. Ethan’s studying to be a doctor, and he’s like Aud that way, got the smarts to make it happen. We’re all proud of them.”

  “I bet they’re proud of you, too.”

  “Maybe. Probably.” He shrugged and snorted a laugh. “No, I know they are. We’re a demonstrative family. How about your folks, what do they think about you working in a fancy law office?”

  “You already know my dad’s a cop.” His gaze sharpened and he stared at her, a slow understanding edging into his expression. “No, really, that makes me feel even more dense. I feel like just with my genetics, I should have sensed something.” She swallowed and tried to ignore her disappointment in herself. “Dad’s been a cop my whole life. I always knew anything I did would get back to him, so it was easier to not do anything I wouldn’t mind him knowing. I wasn’t a goodie-goodie, but I sure minded my step.” She smiled. “Nelly, my sister, is less of a step-minder, if you know what I mean. Our parents are awesome, but I think they weren’t quite sure what to do with her. Audrey’s lucky Addy’s so good.”

  “Yeah. Lucky.” He sighed and looked away. “I struggle with that, you know? Feeling like she’s lucky to be alive and that Addy was born healthy, and at the same time, I’m angry I feel that way. I wanted to hate someone so much for what happened, and there was not even a suspect at first. It wasn’t until after Addy was born they did a DNA test and identified Thompson as Audrey’s attacker. Then we had a face to go with the act, and I gotta say, it sometimes kills me how Addy looks like him. To know that every day Audrey has to look Addy in the face and see Thompson. It just never ends.”

  “Is that how she feels?”

  “What?” He looked startled at her question. “No. I don’t know. I didn’t ask. But once you know and look at her, it’s clear. You can’t unsee it. How could she not think about it?” He shrugged.

  “Maybe she just sees her little girl?” Connie hoped and prayed that was the case, because the thought of Audrey having to survive through memories of the rape again every day was terrible. She couldn’t imagine how it would feel if Audrey’s first thought every time she saw little Addy was of how she’d been conceived. “I know she loves her. Addy was chock full of stories about her mom, and Audrey’s love was clearly in the forefront of everything.”

  “Well, yeah. We all love her. She’s so sweet. But…” He trailed off and Connie gave him a moment before prompting.

  “But?”

  “Maybe it’s just me. Hell, I don’t know anymore. We never talk about it. But, I love my sister. Love that little girl. How can I love her and still hate half her DNA? How does that even compute?” He didn’t wait for an answer, seeming to argue familiar ground within his own head. “It doesn’t, I know. But half of her came from a rapist. A violent criminal. How do I separate that from the half that came from my sweet sister?”

  “You can’t. But you can’t look at it like that, either.” Connie walked to him and laid her hand on his arm. Heat spread through her at the touch and she almost jerked away. He reached up and covered her hand with his, holding her in place. “You love the person, not the circumstances around what happened. That’s normal, I think. Normal to hate what happened. So go ahead and hate what happened, but accept that something good came out of it. Addy’s your niece, and she loves you. She knows you love her, too. That’s all she’s taken from it, because like the good man you seem to be, that’s what you’ve given her. Her Uncle Cole is her favorite, and trust me, Addy makes no bones about where you stand in her esteem.” His hand tightened around hers. “So what you need to do is ignore the science, and when you can, ignore the anger at Jonas. Instead, try to focus on the love you have for your sister. Trust her. If she seems happy to love Addy, then she probably is.” She smiled and he stared down at her, lips parted as he listened. “I think it would be so much easier to hate, but this road is the right one to walk. Take it step-by-step, leave the pain of what happened behind you as best you can, and focus on the love in front of you.”

  “Focus on the love?”

  “Yeah, it’s hard. A hard focus to hold. But I think it’ll be worth it.”

  ***

  Cole

  He stared at Connie and let her words soak in deep, washing away part of the guilt and pain he’d carried for years. In a single night, she’d laid waste to so many of his fears, turning what he believed on its head as she pulled truth from the air like miracles.

  He hadn’t been sure he’d be welcome, but after arguing bitterly with himself for days, had finally decided to man up and come talk to her.

  Fortunately for me, she was hungry. He hadn’t enjoyed an evening this much in so long he couldn’t remember the last time. Cooking for her calmed his nerves, and the first time she’d forked a bi
te between her lips, the soft hum of enjoyment had made his heart swell three sizes, causing his chest to get tight.

  In the space of an evening he’d gone from “I could like her” to “I definitely like her a lot,” and he wasn’t certain what to do with that. Her intuition was spot on and she’d called him on it, surprising him with the way she tackled it head-on. Not shy, this one. He smiled. The “not yet” part of her statement had hung there like a promise, and Cole had latched onto the words like a lifeline. She might not know it yet, but she’d become important to him.

  It didn’t take much to imagine her facing off with Jonas in her kitchen, handing him his marching orders and kicking his ass to the curb. Cole liked the way she owned her own confusion about Jonas, too. She was looking for answers, just like he was, and she might have found a few of them tonight as they talked through things.

  There’d be work to do before he could say with confidence his demons were exorcized, but Connie had helped him lay the groundwork.

  “Do you believe in fate?”

  She tipped her head to the side and looked up at him, lips pursed in a puzzled moue. “Maybe? Sometimes. I believe in karma, which is another name for fate, I think. Do you think I met Jonas as a lesson?”

  “Not for you. Maybe him meeting you was his lesson?” She grinned at that, shaking her head in amusement. Cole laughed. “There’s a lot of connections between us.” He reached out and stroked up her arm with the backs of his fingers, coveting the feel of her soft skin against his. “Maybe my shift selection was fate, because it meant Audrey called me most often when asshole would come to pick up Addy. That gave me a chance to watch you.”

  “You watched me?” Her cheeks pinked, something he’d enjoyed seeing several times tonight.