Past Heaven

by Laura Ward

  I’d miss her so damn much. She was a huge part of my life now, and I struggled with the thought of not being around her every day. We would stay close through calls, texts, and Skype, but that wasn’t the same. I needed to touch her and smell her. We had never had sex, yet I was addicted. I worried I might go over the edge when—not if, but when—I made love to her.

  My cell buzzed with Liz’s name. I looked at my watch, she should be running now. “Liz, what’s up? Are you okay?”

  “Reynolds,” she whispered, “I’m hiding behind a hedge on Manor Road, the one by the Kerrigan’s place. Some paparazzi pulled up and chased me. They took pictures and yelled questions. I outran them, but they got back in their cars, and they’re trying to find me.”

  I was running out the door as I talked to her. “I’ll be there in two minutes. Hang tight. I’ll kill those fuckers for bothering you,” I barked into the phone.

  “I might’ve lost them. I don’t see them, but I can’t be sure.” She sniffled. “Will you keep talking to me while you’re driving? I’m scared.”

  “I know. I’m so sorry. I’m right here with you.” I wanted to punch something or someone. I was so incensed I wanted to scream, but I didn’t want to scare Liz. When I pulled up, she was crouched behind the hedge. I didn’t see any other cars as I surged out of the Range Rover. She flew into my arms, and I picked her up and sat her in the car. As I climbed into the driver’s side, a black Denali approached.

  “This is insane. I don’t understand. I was just going for a run, I didn’t do anything.” Liz whipped her head around, looking for the photographers as she spoke. “Shit. That’s them, Reyn.” Liz panicked, and I grabbed her hand.

  “We’re fine. Just fine. Let’s drive for a bit.” I fought the longing to get out and attack them because I knew that would only draw more unwanted attention. Besides I had already called Tim and as I put the Range Rover in reverse, his Explorer came barreling down the road and swerved across the double lines, sending the Denali to a screeching halt. Tim blocked the paparazzi, allowing us to escape.

  Liz’s phone rang, startling both of us. “Don’t answer it.” I didn’t think the paparazzi could have gotten her cell phone number, but I wasn’t sure.

  Liz gasped. “It’s the boys’ school.” She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and answered the call. “Hello? Yes, this is she.” She listened. Her face paled, and her mouth formed a stiff line. This was not good. “I’m sorry, what? Is he hurt?” I turned right and headed toward the school. “Oh. Oh no….Okay….I understand…I’m on my way.”

  “What’s going on?”

  She clenched her eyes shut and rubbed her temples. “Grayson is in the office for fighting with another kid at lunch. The other kid called me a slut for sleeping with a famous guy for money.” She shook her head and looked out the window.

  “Fucking A!” I yelled and punched the steering wheel. “Is he okay?”

  “He punched the kid in the mouth. Grayson is fine. Suspended, but fine.”

  Secretly, I was proud of Grayson, but I knew how embarrassed and devastated Liz was.

  “Griffin and Hayden are also in the office waiting to be picked up.” She looked out the window again, avoiding my wide-eyed stare.

  “What? What the hell?” I gripped the wheel until my knuckles were white and accelerated the car.

  “Paparazzi snuck onto the playground today and harassed the kids with questions about the boys and us. The boys are upset and shaken, so the principal is sending them home for the day. She’d like our help to get a handle on the situation. They aren’t used to celebrities out here. They aren’t prepared for this. The school feels like they need to protect the other students from my boys.” Liz’s voice was defeated.

  “Shit. The slimy trash picked up on this faster than I expected. I’ll hire security to go to school with the boys right away. Tim will make sure they’re safe.”

  “Security at school with them? I don’t know about that.” Liz’s voice trembled.

  “What choice do we have? Do you want to pull them out and have them tutored?”

  “No. This is the only school they’ve ever known. They love it there. We can’t do that to them. I can’t take that from them. My God, what have I done?” Liz buried her face in her hands, and I put my hand on her back.

  “Listen, this will die down. Paparazzi are at their strongest when the gossip is hot, and it’s hot now. I promise you, this will settle. Until then, the boys will be protected by the best security out there.”

  “Are you sure?” Liz’s voice trailed off, weak and uncertain.

  “Am I sure about what? Goddammit, I care about you and those boys. I'll protect them like they're mine. I'll destroy any asshole who tries to hurt them again.” A feeling developed in men when their pack was threatened. It was innate. It was primal, and it was all-consuming.

  I pulled up in front of Jacksonville, the local elementary school, and she jumped out. “Stay here. Please.” My mouth opened in protest, but she was right. I nodded and watched her walk into the school alone. I used the time to make phone calls to my security team. As I explained the situation and brainstormed with them, my rage grew. This was all my fault. I did this. The four people I wanted to help most in the world were being hurt again—because of me.

  Liz came out twenty minutes later with the boys. They climbed in the backseat, and we drove off.

  “Hey, guys, I’m so sorry for today. I’ll do a better job of protecting you all from this trouble.”

  Hayden looked at me with confusion. “This isn’t your fault, Reyn. It’s the mean camera guys.” Liz reached back and patted him on the leg. Griffin and Grayson looked out the windows without answering. As we approached the house, Liz grabbed my hand. A black sedan was in the driveway and two large men were getting out.

  “These are my guys. We’ll get the details straight with school and home, but you’ll all have 24/7 security protection from now on. It’s completely irresponsible that I didn’t do this sooner.”

  Liz looked again like she might protest, but then she nodded and exited the car. She came around and stopped me as I got out of the car.

  “Let me talk with the boys alone for a bit. Can you come over in a few hours?”

  I wanted to be with her and help her, but I knew she would do what was best for the boys. As much as I wanted to be, I wasn’t part of this family.

  “If that’s what you want, then I’ll give you all some space.”

  She squeezed my hand and went inside with the little men.

  I had gone from elation to dread in the span of just a few hours. I had a bad feeling that the rest of the day wasn’t going to get any better.

  AFTER LUNCH, I took a shower to clear my head. I put on a movie for Hayden and sat down to talk with Griffin and Grayson.

  “Guys, I’m so sorry about everything you went through today at school.” The boys sat on the sofa in the den, ready to start their missed work. I plopped down on the floor in front of them. “Do you understand why the people with cameras were there?”

  Griffin nodded. “The principal told us they were trying to get our picture so they could sell it. That’s because of Reynolds right?” Griffin’s face wasn’t angry like I had expected. He frowned, his eyes cast downward.

  “It’s not Reynolds’ fault, but he’s the reason they were there.” I reached out and squeezed Griffin’s knee. The concept of photographers watching us and being in the public eye, wasn’t something I had fully processed. I could learn to deal with the press, but I would do anything to protect my boys from being bothered.

  “Why do they even care about us?” Grayson asked, pulling at the edge of his folder.

  “They’re curious about you.” I reached over to rub Grayson’s knee. “We’re friends with Reynolds. As far as actors go, he’s known all over the world. It surprises people that he would be hanging out in Baltimore, with a regular family like ours.”

  “That must be really hard for him.” Griffin scowled and gla
nced at the door.

  “Yeah, having people in his face all the time must suck.” Grayson nodded, looking perturbed.

  “Well, guys, if Reynolds is going to be in our lives like I’d like him to be, I need to know if you can deal with this stuff. Paparazzi and photographers will follow him.”

  “Reynolds is worth any hassle,” Grayson stated emphatically.

  Griffin nodded. “Mom, we know Reynolds is your boyfriend.”

  Responding honestly was very important. I didn’t want to trivialize my relationship with Reynolds to my boys. They knew he was important to me, but I also needed them to know I wasn’t lying to them. I knelt closer to the boys and brushed Griffin’s hair from his eyes.

  “He’s not my boyfriend right now, sweetie. I wouldn’t start dating him without telling you guys. But he is one of my closest friends, and I care about him very much.”

  “We know you do, Mom.” Grayson squeezed my hand in his. “I just couldn’t let that punk Stevie call you names. You and Reynolds are cool. He’s kinda like a part of this family. I love him too.” Just like Hayden, Grayson had become close with Reynolds and grown to see what I saw in him. I blinked back tears as I hugged him.

  “I know you were defending me, but no more fighting, okay?” He grinned and nodded.

  “So is Reynolds going to be our new dad one day?”

  My heart leapt into my throat at Grayson’s question. Dear God, how did I answer that one?

  Griffin pushed Grayson on his side with a playful shove. “They’d have to be married before he could be our dad, dummy.” Grayson pushed Griffin back, and I moved in between them.

  “Griff’s right, Grayson. Reynolds and I haven’t started dating yet, so we’re definitely not talking about marriage, okay?” I took a deep breath and patted myself on the back for handling their tough questions. Griffin studied the carpet. “Griff, what are you thinking?”

  “I didn’t like Reynolds at first. Did you know that?” he asked in a quiet voice, and I nodded. “I didn’t trust him. I thought he was gonna try and take you from us or act like our dad and tell us what to do.” Grayson and I both nodded at Griff. “But he never took you away. He wanted to be with all of us. He’s never tried to boss us around or tried to be like Dad. He just wanted to be with us. He’s cool.”

  I squeezed the hands of each of my boys.

  “I like him now. I love that you’re happy around Reynolds. You laugh a lot. If you want to be his girlfriend, I want you to do it.” Griffin jumped into my lap and hugged me. Grayson jumped on, too, and we fell over on the floor in a pile.

  “Boys, you’re the best. Thank you for loving your old mommy so much.” We joined Hayden in the family room, and I thought through what to say to Reynolds. I was finally able to admit that I was in love with him. I had been for a while, but my life wasn’t just about me. The last hurdle was if my most important heartstrings felt the same. With their acceptance and support, I could say the words.

  The time had come to face my fears and let him know my feelings. He loved me, and I had to trust that if I told him the same, he would protect my heart through our journey. For the first time in a long time, I was giddy. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. Something I had been avoiding and suppressing for weeks was bubbling up inside. My heart raced, and I wanted to scream out loud.

  I love you, Reynolds. We all do. Time needed to slow down when I told him. I bounced on my tip toes, full of nervous energy. I wanted to memorize the expression on his face, the feel of his hands that I held, and the sound of his breaths. I had said those three words, romantically, to only one other man in my life. I couldn’t wait to allow myself that feeling again.

  “I love you.” I looked into the mirror above my dresser as I rehearsed. I changed into a red sweater Reynolds had complimented me on once and jeans that made my butt look amazing. Staring at my reflection, I dabbed on lip gloss and then picked out earrings. As I clipped the small gold hoops into my ear, the light reflected off my wedding rings. My heart sank, and I bit back the bitter taste of regret. I needed Cindy.

  “Hello? Liz? I’ve been trying to call you. Are the boys okay?” Cindy hollered into the phone like a damn banshee.

  “They’re okay. Wait, how did you know what happened?”

  “You know good and well that I bribe the school secretary, Jan Oliver, with cupcakes every Friday for this exact reason. If anything juicy happens at school, I’m her first phone call.” Cindy gloated, and I rolled my eyes.

  “No, I didn’t know that. Not that I’m surprised.” I sighed. “I picked them up and talked to them about what’s going on with Reynolds.”

  “What is going on with your friend?” Cindy chuckled.

  “Pipe down. We both know you’ve been right all along, but none of that mattered until I was ready.” I looked into the mirror, watching myself form the words. “I love him, Cind.”

  Cindy screamed loud and long. I pulled the phone from my ear. “There’s one problem, though.”

  “Oh stop. You haven’t actually rusted over. Cobwebs haven’t formed down there. It’s like riding a bike. You’ll be fine.” Cindy taunted, and I snorted out loud.

  “Will you listen? I can’t say those words to Reynolds when I’m wearing Jack’s ring. It feels wrong,” I whispered, focused on the two gold bands on my left hand.

  Cindy breathed heavily into the phone. “Take them off and put them someplace special. Taking them off your hand doesn’t end your marriage. It doesn’t change the life you had with Jack.” She took a breath and I held my own. “It gives you permission to start a new one.”

  I closed my eyes, picturing my wedding day with Jack. Nothing would erase those memories.

  But I wanted to make some new ones.

  “Hey, guys.” Reynolds walked into the family room, and I jumped up.

  The boys greeted Reynolds, but their focus was on their video game.

  “Can I talk to you in private?” he asked and I nodded. I was bursting with excitement as we walked to the office, wanting to tell him how I felt—how we all felt.

  Reynolds posture was rigid, and his expression grave. Tension filled me, and I wrung my hands. He walked straight over to the window, staring out at the snow-covered yard.

  I closed the door behind us, and Reynolds broke the silence. “My security team talked to the school and took care of everything.” Reynolds’ voice was matter of fact. “Carl will be with them full-time. Tim will be with you at all times. I’ve done everything I can to make sure that you and the boys are safe.”

  I laid my hand on his shoulder. “That’s very generous.” I tried to turn him, but he kept his eyes forward. The reflection off the window showed me his face contorting at my words.

  “Generous? This is nothing.” Reynolds’ voice was flat and low. He turned around, crossing his arms across his chest. “I should have taken care of this for you all long ago.” He cleared his throat. “Liz, my bags are packed. I fly out in two hours.”

  My stomach dropped, and I shook my head. No way, not now. I was ready. The boys were accepting. He couldn’t leave. “Wait, no—”

  Reynolds closed his eyes, his jaw clenched so hard I thought it would snap. Then he walked to the door. “My security team insists this is what we need to do right now. And I agree. I need to distance myself from Baltimore until the excitement settles. I’ll work in L.A., setting up meetings with production companies and directors. Nothing will be decided without you. We’ll talk every day.”

  Reynolds’ voice was cold, almost robotic. He had detached himself. I walked up to him and grabbed his hands. I was not going to let this happen. “Thank you, Reyn but—” He let go of my grasp and cut me off.

  “Don’t thank me for anything. This entire thing is my fault. I truly am sorry. I’ve put you and this family in a terrible position.” His voice had lost all power. It was ridden with guilt. He leaned over and pressed his lips to my forehead. Stepping away, we looked into each other’s eyes. I tried to hide my disappointment, but no
mask could hide that. The emotion in his blue eyes devastated me.

  He turned away from me.

  He had never done that before. My heart throbbed in my chest. Each beat made me ache a little more. I heard him go out into the family room and tell the boys he had a meeting in L.A. and needed to go away for a while. I had to let him go. He was distancing himself to protect my family.

  Standing at the front door, I watched him walk to his car as the snow fell. I rubbed my fingers on the space where my rings once lay. My heart hurt, but I wouldn’t put them back on. I wasn’t taking a step backward. Reynolds had waited for me. Now I would wait for him. We were worth it.

  “EXCUSE ME, MR. CARTER?” My housekeeper, Maria, squatted by the edge of the heated pool. I pulled my goggles off and laid them on the tiled ledge. The white monstrosity was on the market, but I was taking advantage of the pool until the place was sold. Gotta love L.A. in December.

  “Security called. You have a guest.” The look of discomfort on her face when she uttered guest clued me into who was at the door.

  “Thanks, Maria.” I sighed and pulled myself out of the pool. Grabbing a towel from my lounge chair, I mopped off my face and dried my hair roughly. I was not in the mood for Kylie. I wasn’t in the mood for anyone.

  Except a certain stubborn blonde.

  Leaving her and the boys in Baltimore was one of the hardest choices I had ever made. I loved each of them in different ways. They were scared, but I had made sure the best security team was watching them. My being in town was the problem. Their privacy and safety were at risk because of me.

  I tied a black robe around my waist and slipped on rubber flip flops before walking back into the house. The last few weeks had passed achingly slow, but I was pleased with the amount of interest we had in the screenplay. Several production companies had set up meetings, and I would narrow them down before I asked Liz to come and meet with our final choice.