Past Heaven

by Laura Ward

  “What do you want, Kylie?” Irritation laced every word as I entered the foyer. I cocked my head to the side and crossed my arms over my chest. The perplexed expression on her face made me smirk.

  “Can we sit down for a minute?” Kylie didn’t wait for an answer. She walked into the family room and sat down on my white sofa. Crossing her long legs, the edge of her mini dress rose high on her thigh. She batted her eyes and patted the cushion next to her. I rolled my eyes at her lame attempts at seduction.

  “I’m busy right now. What do you need?” I didn’t budge from my spot in the entryway.

  “You. Always you. Only you.” Kylie said in a throaty voice. That tone used to turn me on, but it no longer had any effect on me. Only one woman’s voice got to me now. Kylie ran her fingers around the cleavage in her low cut, white mini-dress. She was trying hard, I’d give her that.

  “Kylie, I’ve moved on. I’m interested in someone else. We’re over.” She needed to leave. I didn’t have the time or energy for this.

  Kylie’s eyes welled with tears. She walked over to me and ran her hands down my chest. I refused to uncross my arms. “Let me take care of you now. Let me make you feel good. Whatever you want, I’ll do it. Come on.” She tugged at my arm, attempting to pull me toward the bedroom.

  “That’s enough.” I shrugged out of her hold. “I don’t want to be an asshole, but that’s all you understand. Get this through that pretty little head of yours. I do not want to be with you. That ship sailed, sweetheart.”

  Kylie’s mouth gaped open, and her eyes widened. She shook with anger.

  I stood my ground. Liz had transformed me. I could never go back to casual sex again because Liz owned me. I wasn’t going to explain that to Kylie. She just needed to get the hell out of my house.

  “Are you really screwing around with that old nobody from Baltimore?” Kylie huffed and rolled her eyes. “That’s ridiculous—even for you. You know as well as I do, that both of our careers are dragging right now. We need each other. We can help each other stay on top.” She crossed her arms and kicked out her hip.

  I sat on the arm of the sofa and stared at her. Hollywood perfection. I understood what she was saying, and for a split second I saw the woman I had shared my life with. Even though Kylie was being rude about Liz, I knew it was because she was insecure. It wouldn't do any good to be a dick to her. It would only make things worse.

  “Kylie, everything’s changed for me. Being the hottest actor isn’t what’s important to me anymore. I can’t be with someone just because it’ll help my career.” My tone was gentle. I was over us, and she needed to be as well.

  “You know, Rey Rey, I’ve been reading up on that family.” She walked closer to me, her finger pointing toward my chest. “I learned a few facts about that dead guy. Do you know who he was?” Her head bobbed back and forth. “He was a really phenomenal person. He was genuine and kind. Nothing like you.” Her tone was scathing, and her nostrils flared as she spoke. “Do you think she could ever love you like she loved him? He was a saint, and you’re the worst kind of sinner.” She snarled, hate oozing from her pores. “You’ve been fake with everyone you met here. No one knows the real you. You’ve fucked and partied your way around Hollywood while that guy was trying to save the world. You’ve only ever played the role of the hero. You have no idea what one really is.”

  “Get. The. Fuck. Out.” I shook with rage and summoned all my inner strength to keep me from physically removing her from my sight. As soon as she crossed the threshold, I slammed the door behind her.

  I walked back into the family room and stared outside at the pool. She was right. I couldn’t compete with Jack. Who was I kidding? I would never be the kind of man he had been, and I could never give Liz that kind of peaceful—we’re making the world a better place—life. Liz might grow to have feelings for me, but she could never love me as much as she loved him. Maybe I should leave all of them alone? Maybe being out here was for the best? I would never want her to live a life of subpar love.

  As Christmas drew closer, I met with prospective directors and producers. I had also shopped for the boys and Liz. I had wanted them to open presents on Christmas morning that would show how much I cared for them. I had wanted to be with them, but going back right now would not be what Liz and her family needed or deserved. I’d sacrifice every selfish wish I had if it was what was best for that family.

  I opened my laptop as our meeting time approached and tapped my fingers on the desktop with anxiety. This was the best and worst time of day. I got to see and hear Liz, but I couldn’t touch her. It was torture.

  Her sweet smile lit up my screen, and I couldn’t contain my grin as I sat back in my chair.

  “Hi, how are you? How did your meetings go?” Liz smiled, her eyes soft.

  “Really well. I think we want to go with Bradley’s production company. They want to meet with you the week after Christmas. What do you think?”

  Liz nodded and checked her calendar. “That would be perfect. The boys are off school and will be staying with Jack’s parents. I could fly out after I drop them off. Could you send me the meeting location and time? I’ll make my flight and hotel arrangements tomorrow.”

  I squinted at the screen and moved my jaw back and forth. What the fuck? “Excuse me?” I forced a tight laugh. “You’re not doing any of that shit.” I raised my voice, and her eyes narrowed in response.

  “The hell I’m not.” She straightened in her chair, looking taller through the screen, and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. “I’ll handle my own arrangements, Reyn. You left town to protect us, you do not need your name attached to any of my travel documents.”

  I groaned loudly. “It won’t be. I know what I’m doing here. Please, Liz.” I lowered my voice. “Let me take care of you.”

  She raised her eyes and looked almost seductively at me. I thought I saw a glimmer of hunger there. Something that hadn’t been present before, or at least she had never let me see. Had something changed? Was she able to take the next step with me? Please God…I opened my mouth to ask her and was cut off before I got a word out.

  “Okay, I’ll let you take care of me.” She smiled coyly, and I swallowed hard.

  “I’d better go. The boys and I are making Christmas cookies. You should see my kitchen.”

  My heart raced. I didn’t want her to go. I loved this side of her, but there was a balance to Liz. Sexy ass woman and devoted mom. I loved and respected both.

  I chuckled at the image of her boys covered in flour. “Text me a picture.”

  She bit back a smile. “I will.”

  “It was good talking to you, Liz.”

  “Yeah.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and glanced away. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, and that’s when I noticed that something had definitely changed.

  Slamming the laptop closed, I stomped to the bar to pour a drink. I was pissed at the entire world. Timing was never right for anything in my life. I was pretty certain that the woman I desperately wanted finally wanted me as well. Yet, I had to be as far away as possible in order to protect her. Then, I had the never-ending worry that I wouldn’t be a good enough man for her. The only thing clear in this complicated equation was that none of the answers were simple.

  Merry frigging Christmas to me. I slammed back my scotch and returned to my work.

  “Just fly to Maryland. We’ll be fine. We’ll sit here by the pool and read our books.” Mom encouraged as I lay in the lounger next to hers, drinking a Bloody Mary. The only way to know it was Christmas Eve in my holiday-barren abode was Perry Como’s Christmas album playing through my sound system. It was the single Carter family tradition I could think of to make my parents feel welcome.

  “It’s too soon to go back.” I kept my face expressionless so she couldn't see how depressed I was without Liz.

  “Mr. Carter,” Maria called from inside the house. “You have a package. I put it in the kitchen.”

  Mom raised he
r eyebrows, and I helped her up from her chair. Walking into the kitchen, I saw a large box with the name Atwater and their address written in a familiar handwriting. A smile exploded across my face.

  “Is that from Liz?” Mom peered over my shoulder.

  “I think so.” I grinned. Like an overgrown and much hairier version of a kid on Christmas morning, I grabbed a pair of shears and ripped open the large box. Throwing the bubble wrap on the floor in heaps, I pulled out a tin. Popping open the lid, the aroma of fresh baked cookies surrounded me. I shoved one in my mouth and closed my eyes, groaning with pleasure. That woman could cook. I passed the tin to my mom, and her eyes lit up as she pulled out a peanut butter kiss cookie.

  “I’m going to give you some privacy to open your gifts.” She kissed my cheek and walked into the family room.

  The next item was clearly wrapped by Hayden. I opened it and found his favorite model toy train. Well, shit, this just got a lot harder. I pressed my lips together and remembered how important this train was to Hayden. That little man was sharing his favorite toy with me, and I wanted to cry like a baby.

  Inhaling deeply, I opened the next package which was from Grayson. Inside was the FIFA Xbox game we had played together. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat back down. Man, I missed them so much. More than I did yesterday. Each day I missed them more.

  Then I pulled out an envelope that held a DVD. “Mom? Dad?” I called, walking into the family room. “I’m going to play this DVD from Liz and her family.” I inserted it in my Blu-ray player, and sat on the floor directly in front of the screen, like a five-year old watching cartoons.

  The DVD began with Griffin smiling at me. “Hey Reynolds! We were bummed when Mom said you couldn’t make it for Christmas. Man, you’re missing out. Mom makes the best ham and potatoes. And her breakfast is so good…” He laughed. “I’m just making you jealous so I’ll stop. But seriously, we miss you. Mom is much cooler when you’re around.” Liz yelled in the background, and I smiled.

  “My gift to you is this video. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I didn’t give you a fair shot when I first met you. I wish I could take that back. You’re a great friend to Mom, and you’re cool to us. Thanks for teaching us about horses, playing soccer, and for just…being there…thank you. Merry Christmas.” Griffin looked down, his face a mixture of regret and gratitude, and my mom sighed.

  Next up was Grayson. “Hey dude. ’Sup? Listen, I haven’t punched anyone. Not even that jerk Tony Fillameni when he said I wrote my name like a girl. That boy is cray-cray. Yeah, I knew you’d be proud. But if anyone messes with my family…” He put up his fists, and Liz yelled again. My parents and I laughed loudly. “I gave you my favorite Xbox game. Mom said you have an Xbox, even though I think it’s for kids, just kidding! Now you can practice and hope to beat me one day.” I laughed out loud again. “Dude—er, uh, Reynolds? Come back soon, okay? I think you’re awesome, and I love you.” Grayson smirked at the camera, and my dad grunted and clutched his chest as Grayson’s young heartfelt declaration hit all of us.

  Hayden was next up with a big toothless grin. “Reyn, I lost my two front teef. Can you beweef it?” I shook my head and smiled so hard my cheeks burned. “I wanted to give you my Thomas train because I know you love it. Mom said you didn’t have one. That made me feel sad for you. I love you so much. I miss you tons. Please come back.” Hayden’s voice cracked as tears welled in his eyes, and I almost lost it right there. I held my breath when Liz appeared.

  Liz scooped up Hayden. She was rosy cheeked, and her hair hung straight. She was smiling at the camera as she kissed Hayden’s head. “Oh, Reynolds. Can you tell that you are loved by the Atwaters?” She hadn’t said she loved me. Did she mean her, too?

  “We all miss you, but we’re so happy you’re spending Christmas with your parents. Hi Hugh and Grace. Merry Christmas.” She waved at the camera. “My present for you, is at the bottom of the box. Wait and open it on Christmas morning, okay? No peeking. Promise? Bye.” She waved again, and the boys yelled bye as the camera clicked off.

  I sat back on my heels and rubbed my hands down my face. I had never received a present like that in my life. I didn’t know what to do with all the thoughts flying through my brain.

  “Reyn?” Mom asked, wiping her eyes with a tissue. “That family loves you. You need to figure out how you and Liz can make this work.”

  I nodded. “I know, Mom. I had to leave for a while and let the hype and the paparazzi settle down. They’re a regular family. They didn’t need to deal with all that. But you’re right. I’ve never felt like this before. I love them all so much. I’ve given Liz the time she asked for, but I don’t know how much longer I can do that.”

  “From what you’ve shared with me, Liz has been to hell and back. Give her the space she needs, and when she’s able, she’ll be fully committed to you. Just wait and see.” Mom’s voice was soft, but knowing.

  Dad had been quiet for a long time. “Son, that was unbelievable. Those boys obviously care about you very much. How are you handling that? Being serious with a woman who has three children is a huge responsibility, and one that you cannot take lightly.”

  I nodded, wanting to give my father an answer that showed the thought I’d really given those questions. “Dad, if someone had asked me six months ago if I would ever date a woman with one kid, let alone three, I would’ve called them crazy.” I rose to my feet and walked over to the glass door overlooking the pool. “I never thought I wanted a family until Liz let me be a part of hers.” I rubbed at my chin, searching for the right words. Turning around, I faced my parents. “I’ve given this a lot of thought. It’s actually kept me up at night. At first, I was concerned I would resent the boys’ constant presence in Liz’s life.” Dad watched me carefully and mom nodded. I crossed my arms over my chest and dragged in a breath.

  “I’m scared I won’t be a good role model for them. I’m sure I’ll make mistakes where they’re concerned. But as much as I’ve worried about having the boys in my life and how they’ll change it, I know with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I uncrossed my arms and gestured toward the frozen image of Hayden on the television screen. “Everything shifted for me when I felt like I mattered to those boys. I fell in love with them at the same time I fell in love with Liz. I adore them and want to take care of them more than anything. They love me, Dad, and I love them back just as much.”

  Dad smiled at me with appreciation of how much I had grown since meeting the Atwaters. “You deserve that love, son. It’s special, and it’s being offered to you. You need to cultivate it, never take it for granted, and most importantly, never let it get away.”

  I looked at my dad for a long time. “Liz comes to L.A. in two days. I’ll show her what she means to me. I don’t have a choice anymore. We’ll get past the crazy press, and we’ll get past Liz’s fears and mine.” My life was about to change. But a life without Liz and the boys wasn’t an option for me anymore.

  “Just love her, Reyn. Protect her heart and cherish her. The rest will come,” my mom said as she smiled. “I can’t wait to meet her. I sure hope she brings more cookies.” We laughed as I grabbed another and thought of seeing my sweet Liz in just two days.

  CHRISTMAS EVE HAD been busy with church, a big family dinner, and the pre-Santa traditions. Stories had been read, cookies had been laid out, and holiday pajamas had been donned. The boys had been joyous, and I had felt better than I had the year before. That was a huge step in the right direction as far as I was concerned. Holidays would always be tough for my crew. I would have been happier if Reynolds was with us. I missed him with a physical pain that I knew too well. When would my heart be allowed to feel something real without hurting?

  I climbed into bed and checked my phone. The text from Reynolds had just come through. He had gotten our package.

  Reynolds: Thank you. It was too late to call. I miss you all so much. There are no words.

  I drew in a s
harp breath. Oh, he liked it. I had hoped he would and that we weren’t overwhelming him. I didn’t want to smother him, but I was tired of repressing my feelings.

  Me: You’re welcome. And you’d better not open my present until tomorrow. I miss you, too…terribly.

  The ping of his response made me smile before I even read it.

  Reynolds: Can’t wait to see you. Sweet dreams, Liz.

  My heart jumped into my throat. I would dream of him. Day and night he was invading my thoughts. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I couldn’t do it over a text.

  Me: Good night, Reyn.

  The next morning was a flurry of activity. Presents were opened, wrapping paper filled the family room, and general chaos ensued. I put several trays of cinnamon buns into the oven and pulled out the big box from Reynolds that had been delivered a few days earlier.

  The boys were overwhelmed with Reynolds’ generosity. The sports equipment and iPads were more than enough, but the tickets to the wild card playoff football game caused the already heightened joy to overflow. The boys screamed and grunted like only young males could do at the thought of hot dogs, nachos, and cotton candy at Raven’s stadium. I loved to watch them so happy. Reynolds knew them and what they liked so well.

  I opened my box from Reynolds last. I found a simple gold necklace with an anchor hanging sideways. The attached note read:

  I re-read the note several times as Griffin helped me put on the necklace. It was simple and yet said so much. It was me. He also included a leather bound copy of our still untitled screenplay. It was inscribed, “Because of Jack.” I clutched it to my chest, pride overwhelming at our remembrance of Jack.