Never Mind!

by Nicky Roth

  'Who else is on that list?'

  'Hm, let me see...- Mr Bingley, of course, for obvious reasons, Colonel Lucas, well, Papa, when it comes to stripping at least. I mean we've all seen dad without clothes at one point or another, but that is different, it doesn't have anything sexual when you see him hose himself down in the farmyard after repairing the drain to the cesspit, is it?'

  'No, definitely not. What about Lieutenant Wickham?'

  'Oh, him I wouldn't actually mind stepping out of his uniform. Once he wears it again, that is.'

  'And Mr Darcy?'

  'Well...'

  Oh shit, what was she supposed to answer to that?

  For once Jane had her successfully cornered. He most certainly was extremely handsome, perhaps even more so than Wickham. His features were stronger and more defined and while his eyes had a rather dull grey colour, other than the lieutenant's startling blue ones, they were beautiful with the depth they held, and from what she could see from him wearing his riding clothes, his body was presumably some sight to behold...

  'Okay, I'll take that as an answer,' Jane said in a matter of fact tone.

  'Wait, what? A positive or negative one?'

  'A positive one, of course.'

  'Jane!'

  Oh, thank goodness, there was Longbourn at last! Home! Refuge!

  With the excuse of being tired, even though Elizabeth felt anything but, she almost ran up the stairs and to her room. For the first time in her life, she avoided Jane and that in her present state of utter confusion she decidedly needed to avoid her mother was a matter of course.

  The roughly three miles back home had sent her mind reeling to a point where she felt almost sick. Bloody fantastic! If only she could put a finger on what had her so upset, it wouldn't be so very bad. But she couldn't.

  Well, if she were honest, she could, but no, she didn't want to think about it. It was crazy! She could not possibly be falling in love with Mr Darcy, could she?

  Again she tried to conjure up Lieutenant Wickham's face, but once more without any success. He was pleasant and amusing, and yet, there was nothing distinctive about him that was really memorable. With Darcy it was different. If she could draw beyond the point of a scribble, she could easily draw him from her memory alone, so present was he in her mind. She liked his dry sense of humour. His sarcasm was hilarious. And on top of that, it felt as if she had known him forever. They had much in common as well, other than Wickham and her. It had been interesting to listen to his interests, but none had really coincided with hers. Yeah, Darcy was rude on occasion, but still...

  Shit! Shit, no! No, no, no!

  Chapter 14:

  Preparing for battle

  The last two days, Elizabeth had avoided Jane as much as she possibly could and fortunately the weather had been fine enough for her to plough the fields. Something she had actually only planned for the beginning of October.

  But there she had taken the Mickey out of Jane, well, at least in her own mind, for Jane didn't deserve being made fun of face on good as she was, and she was not one bit better. No, actually, she was worse. By far.

  'Lizzy, are you avoiding me?' Jane asked as she got off the tractor.

  Her sister looked saddened somehow, and Elizabeth immediately felt guilty.

  'No, not really. I was just pondering on what you said the other day and...'

  'You were avoiding me. Lizzy, it's alright. We all need time to ourselves once in a while. I was just wondering if you are upset with me,' Jane, as always was understanding and her smile was a warm one.

  'No, I'm not with you, I'm upset with myself. This listening to one's heart thing is more tedious than I would have thought. It just doesn't want to pay attention to what my brain says.'

  'That, Lizzy, is the whole point.'

  Well, be as it may, she didn't like it. It was stupid if it meant her heart ached when before it had not. When before she had been perfectly able to enjoy a little flirting with a handsome officer from the base and now all she wanted was to snuggle up in Fitzwilliam Darcy's arms. Heck that sounded cheesy! What was she? A silly teenager desperately in love with her balding teacher? Nope, definitely not the former, and the balding teacher was also a decided no. But desperately in love, unfortunately, wasn't.

  'And what if I told you that I actually fancied Penny?' Elizabeth tried to laugh off her own silliness.

  'Lizzy, come now, be serious.'

  Okay, she had been caught lying.

  'Ha, you don't think I'm serious? Well, you are bloody well right, I'm not. Eww! Now I will have to banish that thought from my mind again. Yeah well, how was that? Die Geister die ich rief werd' ich nun nicht los?[ii] - I think that's pretty much all that stuck from the three years learning German at school but it's spot on right now. Actually, no idea what possessed me to learn that blasted language in the first place, it's the most tedious language I've ever come across.'

  'How about Chinese?'

  'Okay, aside from Chinese.'

  'Russian?'

  'Yeah, alright, I get it. I'm over-dramatising things. And before you ask, French isn't for me either. I think I can safely say that any foreign language isn't for me. I'm just untalented when it comes to learning another language. Give me genetics or evolution any day, and I'm fine.'

  'That sounds more like the Lizzy I know. Good! Though perhaps French isn't so bad, Lizzy... Perhaps you might want to try it someday and come to like it. It's all a matter of tongue-agility, so to say. Tu sais, cette pronociation est sacrément important[iii].'

  Good Lord! Had her sister just insinuated what she thought she had? Jane had had French at school and seriously, Elizabeth hadn't the foggiest what she had just said in her last sentence, but never mind, perhaps it was better that way. It had sounded pretty darn naughty with the way she had said it. And when had Jane of all people learned to look this sneaky? Suddenly she was not quite sure about Bingley's influence on her.

  No, not really, but what the deuce?

  'So, are you looking forward to tonight?' Jane carried on as if she had not just basically said she should try and give a man a blow-job or something along those lines.

  Pushing the images that had popped up in her mind far to the back of it Elizabeth once again made an attempt to laugh it off, but it was increasingly difficult: 'Yes. I'm sick and tired of my own company. It isn't a very good one either. Far too critical and sarcastic. And I do get the feeling it has a bad influence on me.'

  'Lizzy!'

  Well, at least Jane laughed, that was something.

  'What? It's the sad truth, I'm afraid. My own company is driving me to the brink of insanity and that has to say something considering that Kitty and Lydia are my sisters.'

  'They admittedly can be a challenge. So, it's ten to four now, what do you say, we'll milk the cows, have some tea and then get ready?'

  'What? Already? Isn't it a bit early?'

  'Let's be girlie today and try out various outfits and hairstyles and perhaps we can even figure out what Kitty and Lydia find so fascinating about it.'

  'Fat chance, Jane, that will always stay a mystery and perhaps all for the better. But okay, let's try. I don't think the cows will mind us calling it a day two hours early. To get the chickens in will be another matter, but I like a good wild chicken-chase once in a while.'

  An hour and a half later they were both cooped up in Jane's room, just as she had suggested. They both had showered and Jane had insisted on doing her sister's nails.

  'No red or hot pink!'

  'Of course not! Let's see... - French?'

  Again? Bloody hell Jane! Was this turning into an obsession? Okay, perhaps not. Not after two minor/major insinuations, but she would keep an eye on it.

  'I already told you I don't do languages.'

  'Very funny. I meant your fingernails, dummy.'

  'Yeah, I know, but I had hoped to get out of it. You know, come tomorrow and all your hard work will be screwed up again.'

  'And? Perhaps Lieutenan
t Wickham's there...' there it was again, and Jane's tease most decidedly contained a serious undertone as if she was not approving of Wickham at all.

  Well, perhaps Mr Darcy was there, too, which was much more likely since Bingley was coming along with Jane and he hardly ever went anywhere without his friend. Well, Darcy was only here for a week, so presumably, that was only polite.

  The thought of him leaving was, on one hand, consoling. If she wasn't in constant danger of running into him, she had a good chance of at last forgetting him. On the other, he would take her heart with him, that she now knew. Suddenly she felt like crying. Splendid! Just what one needed on a night out. And she hadn't even the excuse of suffering from PMS, and still, her emotions went haywire.

  She never felt nervous when singing, but thinking that Mr Darcy might be there made her stomach flutter. Gods, what if she made a fool of herself?

  'What about your own nails?'

  'Hm, I think I first decide on a dress and then decide which colour goes with it. I would take a French manicure myself, but I never manage my right hand. It's too fiddly.'

  'I fear I'm not much help in that quarter. But I can put on a coat of plain polish and smear it neatly all across your phalanges if you like.'

  Jane once again chuckled and carried on with her work and a quarter of an hour later she was done. Well, it had taken long enough for Elizabeth's taste. Was there anything more annoying than to hold one's fingers still for that long? Who had time for that? This clearly wasn't for her.

  So, as yet she was no closer to discovering what Kitty and Lydia found so fascinating about cosmetics, and fashion in general.

  'Here, why don't you try this one on?'

  Jane had rummaged through her wardrobe and now held up a little black affair. Simple, cute, tight.

  'It's a dress, Jane. Aside from the Harvest Ball, Christmas and weddings, I don't do dresses.'

  'You should, Lizzy. Come, humour me and try it on. I've worn it once, but it is slightly too short for me. So it should fit you perfectly.'

  'If I can squeeze my butt in, that is.'

  'Your boobs are bigger as well, but it's stretch, darling.'

  With a sigh, Elizabeth resigned herself to her fate and put on the little black dress her sister had given her. She could see that Jane was determined for her to wear it, for whatever sinister reason. Okay, Jane's reasons were never sinister, but “benevolent” reason sounded far too harmless in this instance.

  However, the dress did fit. Perfectly even. Fuck! There was not the slightest reason to argue about it other than that she looked and felt decidedly too sexy for her own taste. Knowing Jane, that wouldn't be good enough. If anything, it was presumably exactly what her sister had wanted her to be. Sexy. At least it wasn't mini-mini.

  'But I'm not wearing heels!' Elizabeth instead protested.

  'No, they would be slightly too much, I agree.'

  'Aside from that, I also can't walk in those things.'

  ' With a little practice it's actually fairly easy.'

  'For you, Jane. You have grace and elegance, all I have is “and”.'

  'You are not leaving your hair in a ponytail, are you?'

  'Why not?'

  'Because I say so. It looks much better open. You've got such beautiful hair, Lizzy. I actually quite envy you.'

  'What? You're not serious, are you? You know, you start to scare me. What have you done to my sister Jane and who the hell are you? You look like her, your voice sounds like her, but...'

  'Oh, come now, Lizzy, stop whining. It doesn't suit you.'

  'What's with we're trying out different looks?'

  'Okay, I admit it, I was lying because I very well know that if I left you a choice you would be back in your favourite denim in no time.'

  'Yep.'

  'And I want to show off, how beautiful my sister is. Call me selfish, but that's the truth. Lizzy, you are beautiful, whatever you might say. I can think of at least one man who would agree with me wholeheartedly.'

  'Who would that be then? And how would you know?'

  'Oh, never mind. I was rambling...' Jane trailed off, avoiding her gaze.

  'Jane, who are you trying to hitch me up with?'

  'I don't try to hitch you up, Lizzy. I have no intention to meddle in your affairs - no pun intended. I just don't want you to miss out on anything either, just because you are too pigheaded to just let it go once in a while, okay?'

  'Who is the man?'

  'I just told you I don't meddle. I should have kept my mouth shut, I know. It just slipped, accidentally.'

  Jane shrugged her shoulders while slipping into a light blue dress which hugged her curves so perfectly it looked as if it had been made for her. Well, okay, perhaps it had. Jane herself could easily have made it from scratch, just like their Regency gowns. She was really good friends with her sewing machine.

  'So, what do you say, aren't we a fine pair of ladies?'

  'Speak for yourself, Jane, deep down I will always be a country bumpkin. You don't think wellies go with this, do you?'

  'No. Here, put on your ballerina's.'

  They stepped out of Jane's room only to be met by a thunderous looking Lydia.

  'I want to go, too!' Lydia wailed as soon as she caught sight of them, stomping her foot like a petulant toddler. 'And Kitty as well. Why can't we come?'

  Of course! The usual scenario. What had she thought? That she could escape this?

  'Because you've got school tomorrow,' Elizabeth replied archly.

  'But I want to have some fun, too, It's not fair!'

  'Do you really think we were allowed out on a school night?' Jane tried to console her.

  'Seriously, I don't give a fuck what you were allowed back then. I want to come! And besides, I have two older sister's who can look after me, as they bloody well ought.'

  Yeah, of course, because older sisters were not allowed their share of fun, were they?

  'Lydia, it'll get too late,' Elizabeth tried her luck.

  'Hey, someone could bring Kitty and me home at around nine and then we'll be in bed same time as always. I don't understand what the fuss is all about.'

  'No!'

  'Lyddy, Charles is picking us up and you can hardly expect him to drive you home.'

  'Why not? I mean he's your boyfriend, so he's practically family.'

  Fortunately, they were saved from replying by the ring on the door, indicating that Bingley had arrived. And not a moment too soon.

  'See you later, Lydia. Good night, Kitty,' Elizabeth waved and quickly reached for her jacket and handbag.

  'Bitches!' their youngest sister spat, stomping up the stairs.

  'Lydia!' Jane admonished before opening the door at last.

  At the sight of Jane, Bingley's eyes widened in surprise and his jaw dropped.

  'Wow! You look fantastic, Jane.'

  'Thank you, Charles. You don't look bad at all either. I like the combination of Jeans and dress shirt, it looks really good on you actually.'

  Bingley beamed at the compliment, while at the same time he managed to look bashful. Elizabeth could hardly help to grin. It was actually too cute to see a grown man like this. Like a little boy in a candy shop who was told he can choose whatever he liked. Eager, and yet slightly unsure how to take the offer.

  As she had expected, Darcy was waiting in the car. Well, he was actually their designated driver, obviously having drawn the short straw.

  If Jane thought Bingley looked handsome, Darcy, in her opinion, looked drop-dead gorgeous, pulling off the combination of informal jeans and formal shirt so much better than his friend, and the waistcoat he had donned over it, gave the whole ensemble the certain something that was bound to make the ladies goggle at him all night long. Well, at least until he opened his mouth and managed to say something not so very polite, and knowing him by now, that was fairly likely.

  No, actually, how could she even begin to assume she knew him? It was a bit forward, wasn't it? Not even a week and already he wa
s turning her whole world upside down.

  'You go in at the front, Lizzy, I'm perfectly happy to sit in the back,' Jane offered with a smile in her boyfriend's direction.

  Okay, that, too was presumably a little forward, but the sooner or later it would be inevitable. It was obvious that those two belonged together. Even a blind man could see that.

  'Hi. Oh! - You look... - very nice,' Darcy stammered, shortly looking at her before quickly concentrating on the dashboard again, making her suddenly feel like an ugly duckling.

  At least he had attempted to be polite, that was something.

  But his hesitation in paying her a compliment did kind of hurt. Well, what had she been thinking? That he suddenly found her attractive? Surely not. They got along fairly well, but presumably only because they had to somehow. It would be kind of weird if they always fought when her sister and his friend were clearly in love with each other. They were bound to meet occasionally, like now. So, better to get along. But perhaps Lydia had a point when she had said that she wasn't taking much care oof her appearance lately. She did look like a scarecrow most of the time with all the elegance of a bull in a china shop.

  'We're all settled, Darcy,' Bingley announced happily, slamming the door shut.

  In the rear-view mirror, Elizabeth could see the two lovebirds comfortably leaning into each other as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Okay, it was. Full-stop. For them at any rate.

  Yeah, tonight it would be “Love Hurts”, for her. Fuck “listen to your heart”, it was a stupid thing to do. She knew that now.

  But never mind! What had been done was done, even when it did little good.

  Chapter 15:

  Cringe-worthy

  'Are you ready, Darcy?' Bingley inquired, bobbing up and down on his feet as if he wore a pair of those silly kangaroo-shoes.

  Up, down, up, down...

  'Charles, it's just about half past, we've got plenty of time. What's all the fuss about anyway? It's karaoke night, not the Grand Prix d'Eurovison a la chanson. You'll do fine.'