Never Mind!

by Nicky Roth

  'You don't think “listen to your heart” is a bit too obvious?'

  'It's a classic, though, yeah, it is obvious. Not the lyrics, but your exuberant expression whenever Jane Bennet is near.'

  'Oh come now, she's an angel!'

  'She smiles too much. But what do I care? She's your girlfriend, not mine,' Darcy grinned lopsidedly.

  Ah, it was fun poking his friend once in a while.

  'We're not officially together yet, but okay, I really like her and I think she likes me, too,' Bingley admitted openly. 'And we have much in common. The more I know of her, the more I find that we would fit together perfectly. However, enough of me, what would really interest me at this point is, what you would look for in a woman. So, Jane smiles too much, my sister is too artificial and conniving, though I can't but agree there. So, on to your ex-girlfriends: Christina had been too dour and disinterested in your work, to say the least, Daphne was too arrogant and only keen on fashion and spending money, yours mainly, Pauline on the other hand was too lazy and dumb and...- Shit, what was her name again?'

  'That was it, Bingley,' Darcy sighed, realising that once more he was on the receiving end when he had just thought that he would make sport of his friend. 'Julia is a friend from uni and she's first of all gay, which is why we get along so well, and secondly not my type, and Anne is my cousin.'

  'Well, cousins are allowed to marry, you know?'

  'This is the twenty-first century, Bingley, does anybody really still do that?'

  Thinking of Anne in this way was more than just slightly disturbing. She was alright, but only as a friend and cousin, nothing more. Yuck!

  'Heck, how would I know?' Bingley shrugged.

  'You started it.'

  'Hm. Okay, never mind. So, what are you looking for in a woman? What is your type of girl? I mean, your girlfriends were all so very different, it was always quite interesting to meet them for the first time, you know? Okay, all of them were pretty, but that was about the only thing they had in common.'

  Damn the man! Why did he have to be so persistent? Well, he could easily describe the one woman who held his heart, and of whom he was sure she would suit him in every respect, but if he did so, even Bingley would be able to put two and two together. It surely would be blatantly obvious whom he had in mind, and once Bingley knew, Jane would and then Elizabeth herself and then she would look at him with nothing but contempt.

  'Two legs, with feet at the lower end, two arms with hands, tummy, buttocks, a nice pair of jugs, head on top, preferably with hair for aesthetic reasons and a brain for practical ones,' he, at last, answered, hoping that it was evasive enough for Bingley to realise that he didn't want to speak about it.

  'If it weren't for the brain one could think you spoke of a sex doll. You forgot to mention a fanny, by the way.'

  'Oops, yes, she should have one. But I think I've seen too many of them today when doing the inventory. And not a single one I actually wanted to see. But your mother had been quite accurate when she assumed they'd romp all over the house. I almost fell down the stairs when I tripped over a cable when they filmed on the staircase. Seriously, that can't be good for the back, can it?'

  Bingley shrugged to his last statement before replying: 'I presume it depends on how you do it, or rather her. Doggy style might work. But good point, it does start to be a bit bothersome to have these people all over the house. However, having said that, Monty told me today that they got more done these last two days than they thought they would and will be leaving tomorrow morning instead of Friday afternoon.'

  'Hallelujah! There is a light at the end of the tunnel,' Darcy sighed, running his hands through his hair.

  It, however, was most unfortunate that Bingley's comment about doggy style had now somehow got stuck in his brain. What was he? A desperate teenager in love for the first time? But nope, his body had to make it known that he hadn't had sex in a while, and it was just fortunate that it wasn't in an obvious way. Yet.

  'So, back to my initial question, Darcy, what do you look for in a woman?'

  Not again! Did his friend never give up?

  'I've already told you.'

  'Okay, I get it, you don't want to talk about it.'

  'Ah, you're bloody right there, mate.'

  'So, what are you going to sing?' Bingley instead inquired.

  'Nothing.'

  'You can't go to karaoke night and not sing, Darcy. And I mean, you can sing, I know that for a fact. I on the other hand...'

  'You'll be fine. And only because I sang in the choir at uni doesn't mean I can sing well.'

  'It does. They don't take people who can't sing and you know that. Besides, I heard you singing under the shower the other day. It sounded great. So?'

  'Does it matter?'

  'That's it!'

  'What's what?'

  '”Nothing else matters”!'

  'Many things do, actually.'

  'I meant the Metallica song.'

  'Yes, I know and I tried to get out of it. I thought that was bloody obvious.'

  And there he had always thought Charles Bingley and his sister had nothing in common. If he wanted to, Bingley could be equally adamant, apparently.

  'Do I really have to drag you on stage?'

  'Only if you insist on me singing.'

  'How about a duet? Then you don't need to stand up on your own? Perhaps Lizzy can be persuaded.'

  'NO!'

  Good grief, if he had to sing with her, he wouldn't be able to get one single note out the right way out of sheer nerves.

  'Oh come now, she's nice, even though you think her only tolerable. And Jane said she actually used to sing in a band before she went to uni and is quite good.'

  Bloody Bingley! Could he not just mind his own business for a change?

  'It's not that. I just don't... - do duets,' Darcy answered flatly. 'I'll drive.'

  Well, he would live to regret that, he was certain. But he had sworn to himself that for this week he had enough units of alcohol already. Actually twice the recommended amount, but he couldn't be quite sure.

  Last night was a mere blur.

  He had worked all day long to finish the inventory only to find that when he returned to the breakfast room where he had slept ever since finding the porn-crew in his bedroom that they now were all over that one, too. And not just one couple, but five.

  That was one thing and already disturbing enough, but he would have made the best of it by simply sleeping in one of the old dusty servant's beds in the attic, but seeing Monty among them trying to choreograph their movements had gone beyond that. “Now come, all push in at the count of three...- and in, out, in, out... - yes, that's it.”

  What had at last made him decide to get completely hammered was Gloria's exaggerated moaning that at first, he could not make out properly, since she had an odd sounding accent, he supposed was supposed to be French, and then he'd heard it: “Oh, Monsieur d'Darcy...”, just when she pretended to come.

  That had been the final straw.

  That was something which needed at least a large bottle of Whiskey to be erased from one's mind. His mind, to be more precise! He wasn't sure of how much he'd had before he ended up on the floor unconscious since he'd not bothered to put the cap back on and in consequence had poured the rest all over himself and the floor while cuddling with the bottle. But at least his memory had been blank for a few blissful hours.

  Shit, last time he'd been so drunk had been at a party at uni. And why did he think of sheep all of a sudden?

  He had kept his eyes firmly on the dashboard, in order to not give Bingley the slightest idea how much he adored Elizabeth, when he had returned with the two ladies in tow, but it was a matter of course that she would sit in the front while Bingley joined Jane in the back of the car.

  Oh, bloody hell! How was he to survive this evening without going mad, with Elizabeth looking like this?

  She looked stunning in that understated dress she wore. It was sexy as hell and yet
kept her covered enough to have his mind spinning, wild fantasies running through it of him slowly sliding it down her body, running his hands through her gorgeous thick hair...

  Okay, down boy!

  It had only been a split second he had looked at her as she scrambled into the car, one glance to his left and it was close to resulting in an embarrassing situation already and the evening had not even begun. Training his eyes on the dashboard again instead he barely managed to press out a flat compliment that didn't even scratch the surface of what he really thought.

  'So, what are you going to sing?' Bingley piped up from the back-seat.

  Not again! Though he was actually quite curious what Elizabeth would sing.

  'Oh, nothing special, really,' Jane answered tentatively. 'But I've always liked “May it be” and it doesn't have any heights so I should manage. I'm not much of a singer.'

  'I love that song!'

  Of course, Bingley did, and if it was only because Jane meant to sing it.

  'Perhaps we could meet and watch Lord of the Rings some time? I mean when you're back in London? You could come over to my place and we could binge watch, order a takeaway, you know, just a comfy movie-night. I need to go to London in a week or so anyway, so, how about it?'

  'Sounds great! I just have to see when I'm on shift.'

  'Well, you've got my number.'

  Darcy wished he could say as much about Elizabeth and himself.

  'And, what are you singing, Charles?'

  '”Listen to your heart”.'

  'Oh, Lizzy thought about singing that, too. Didn't you, Lizzy?'

  'Not really. You wanted me to sing it,' Elizabeth answered sounding slightly annoyed.

  'So what have you chosen?' his friend asked curiously.

  Seriously, was this blasted conversation never going to end?

  '”Love hurts”.'

  Ouch...- Figures!

  'Well, Darcy has chosen to sing “Nothing else matters”.'

  'I did no such thing. You decided I should do so, Charles. I had little say in it,' Darcy, in turn, grumbled.

  When they arrived the pub was already fairly packed and the first performances had already started. Most of them were rather cringe-worthy, to say the least. And of all people he would have liked to avoid, Monty was there as well, a vacant-looking Gloria on his arm. Hopefully, she would be content with looking decorative and keep her gob shut.

  Nope, of course not. They had just found a table that would accommodate all four of them and perhaps a friend or two of Jane's and Elizabeth's when she stumbled onto the stage.

  High heels really were a bitch, weren't they?

  'I wonder what she'll sing,' Elizabeth remarked dryly, her dark eyes sparkling.

  'Me, too,' Darcy mused.

  'And here is Gloria Smith with “La Isla Bonita”...'

  Oh-uh...

  His and Elizabeth's eyes met and he could see the corners of her mouth twitch.

  The only question now was, how was Gloria to manage without her contacts or a brain adapt to remember anything resembling a text.

  Right, what a stupid question, she would obviously bend forward to just that one point where gravity and her fake boobs threatened to have her topple over, and all but press her face to the screen. Genius! Hopefully, she was wearing... - Yep, for a change she wore knickers. Skimpy one's but her privates were covered. Not that it took much to find out, for her skirt was as short as ever.

  To say that Gloria managed to fuck up the whole of her performance would have been incorrect. One thing she did do quite well and had people cheer and that was putting down the microphone when the song was finished.

  Oh, Gods, and there now was Monty with “I'm sexy and I know it”.

  At least he had a sense of humour and took the Mickey out of himself. Unless, of course, he hadn't understood that the song was actually meant to be taken ironically. Had it been much later, the crowd would have actually danced on the tables but as yet no-one was drunk enough and all he earned were a few claps and several eye-rolls.

  So, on with the evening. It could only get better from now on, surely. Unless...

  The door to the pub opened and in came... - Kitty and Lydia Bennet. Bloody hell!

  Chapter 16:

  Karaoke Nightmare

  'What the heck are you two doing here?' Elizabeth gasped at seeing her sisters march into the pub and steering towards their table.

  'Oh, you know, mum brought us over. See, she wholeheartedly agreed with us that it wasn't fair that you should go out and have fun while we had to stay at home,' Lydia answered triumphantly, plunking down on one of the vacant chairs.

  'You can't be serious,' Elizabeth gasped, not only because they were there at all, but because of the outfits her sisters wore.

  Kitty was alright that far with her short skirt and blouse, but Lydia took the cake with her supermini, the glittery pumps, the cropped top from under which her bra was peeking out prominently and the load of make-up she had plastered onto her face, almost making Gloria look subtle.

  'Oh, but I am. Mum's going to pick us up again around nine, perhaps a bit later.'

  Okay, did one need to understand why her mother all of a sudden thought it alright to have her two “innocent” youngest daughters spend an evening with the two men whom she had dubbed worthless scoundrels only two days ago? And especially with wearing these clothes? Even now she could hear people gossip about the scandal at Netherfield, though it had actually helped that they had shown up here together. At least people were not so very obvious. But if Jane still went out with Mr Bingley, there might be a chance that they had misunderstood something, and since Darcy was his friend he was probably not so bad either. Jane did that to people. Bless her!

  'So, when are you going to sing, Lizzy?' Lydia inquired, before getting up again to get herself something to drink, swaying slightly on her high heels. 'You have to do so before mum picks us up, you know?'

  'I think now might be an idea, so I can be done with it and you stop pestering me.'

  'Oh, but you have to promise me to sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, Lizzy. You really nailed it at the Lucas' silver anniversary. I still get goosebumps when I think about it, even though normally I can't stand all this old-fashioned stuff.'

  Where the heck did that come from, all of a sudden? The Lucas' silver wedding anniversary had been two frickin' years ago. For someone like Lydia that was basically an eternity, if not longer.

  'I haven't got a partner and it sounds stupid without a second voice,' she tried to argue, and seriously, at this point, everything would do to get her out of singing that song.

  It was all nice and well to sing it for Willy and Jen Lucas since it was the song that had been played on their first date, but she was not much in the mood to do so now, plus, she hadn't sung it since.

  'Oh, I'm sure Darcy could help you out...' Bingley beamed brightly, nudging his friend's arm.

  If looks could kill, he would have dropped dead, for Darcy did look none too happy, but got up nonetheless.

  'Is something the matter, mate? I thought you wouldn't mind avoiding to sing on your own, I know you don't much like the attention,' Bingley carried on, smiling even brighter, while his hand now reached for Jane's.

  Did she imagined it, or did they exchange a conspiratorial glance? No, that was silly.

  They could hardly have planned Lydia asking for her to sing that song, or even for their mother allowing their younger siblings to come here tonight... But something was going on. She just had to figure out what it was.

  'That's one way to put it,' Darcy sighed, taking one last sip of his water, 'I had no intention to sing at all, as I've repeatedly told you when you decided I should sing “Nothing else matters”. Seriously, for this week, actually, for the rest of the year, I've made enough of a fool of myself. But as it is, Elizabeth, I will by no means suspend any pleasure of yours, so if you have no objections, I would be willing to sing with you.'

  Oh, Mr All-high-and-m
ighty was back...

  She wasn't very keen on singing that blasted song either, but when he adopted that kind of attitude she would do so, only to spite him. Ha!

  'Yes, I would be honoured.'

  She even curtsied at such a ridiculously pompous attitude.

  With a little bit of luck, he could even hold a note. Though by the sound of it, he wasn't much of a singer and obviously very aware of it. Ah well, never mind, it could hardly be worse than Gloria's performance.

  Pulling him towards the stage she realised that his hands were sweaty and immediately felt sorry for him. He was nervous. Stage fright was no laughing matter, not at all.

  'Are you alright?'

  'Yes, never mind. I will not back down if that is what you are afraid of.'

  'No. But I don't want you to feel trapped either.'

  'I'm slowly but surely getting used to the fact that I have no say in anything anymore regarding my life. Another week with these miscreants calling themselves a film-team and I'm ready for marriage.'

  'I didn't know you were engaged.'

  'I'm not. I meant theoretically ready in the sense that I don't need to be potty trained by my future wife in terms of obedience. Just think of all the hassle she's saved from. And all thanks to Monty and his crew. Best thing that's happened in my life...' he grimaced at his last words, then gave a tiny grin.

  'I'm sure you will be a real gem,' Elizabeth could not help laughing at his wry expression, though her heart turned heavy.

  His future wife...

  'I'm glad you think so.'

  They were announced by name and the song was about to start when from somewhere amongst the crowd she could hear Gloria pipe up: 'Oh, but that's not Monsieur d'Arcy... And I know that for a fact for he always takes me from behind and then, later on, I blo...'

  Fortunately, Monty had the good sense to firmly press his hand to her mouth before she could say more, but already the room had gone dead silent. Everyone stared at the stage completely dumbstruck.

  Elizabeth would have loved to say something, anything, but nothing, absolutely fuck all, came to mind and she did not even dare look at her partner. And then suddenly, before the giggling around them could turn into laughter, the music began playing and Mr Darcy just sang. Just like that, as if nothing had happened and when she missed her turn, he simply continued singing her part, too, with her naturally taking over second voice in the end.