Burdened (A Burdened Novel)

by Peiri Ann

  “Okay, that took some of my speech away.” He shifts uneasily. “Are you not in school, Nathan?”

  “No sir, not currently. But I will be returning when Tracey goes to college.”

  “Returning?”

  “Yes, I’ve already graduated with degrees in business. I was—” He pauses. “—really advanced growing up.”

  “How old are you?”

  “Twenty.”

  “When will you be twenty-one?”

  “In five months.” Hey, I didn’t even know that. Five months. Nathan looks at me. I look back at dad.

  “Well, Tracey’s eighteen, so that makes you all’s relationship legal. I can tell you two feel deeply for each other. But I don’t want you all to move too fast and someone end up getting hurt, or worse—” He pauses, looking at me. “Pregnant.”

  I roll my eyes, putting my head down in my hands, fully embarrassed. “Dad, not cool.”

  “I’m just having an adult conversation with two adults. But, here is the rest of the talk: we are planning on moving.” I lift my head slowly, giving him the ‘what the fuck?’ look. He looks back at me. “Your mother has already discussed this with you.”

  “Yeah, but I thought that conversation was void, not happening.” My voice is rising.

  Nathan grabs my hand. “Just hear him out.” I take his calm, plopping my back against the couch. My dad hates that.

  He looks at Nathan. “Thank you.” Then back at me. “We are moving, but we are going to wait until you graduate from school.”

  “That’s like in three months. This is March! We graduate in June.” Nathan rubs my hand, pushing calm through me. I calm, reluctantly.

  “You need to find a school you want to go to or you will be a part of the move. You can’t stay here with Nathan. They obviously have enough people living in that home.”

  I’m getting pissed, despite Nathan’s calm. “I could if I wanted to,” I say, low and aggravated.

  He glares. “Excuse me, Tracey?”

  Why does he want to have this conversation in front of Nathan? After the night we’ve already had? I don’t want Nathan to see me play ‘gullible girlfriend’ and get all pissy at my dad for trying to steal me away from him.

  Fuck it. “Dad, if I wanted to move in with Nathan’s family, I could.” Nathan scoots away from me. “They would accept me with open arms, welcoming me to stay.”

  “Don’t, Tracey,” Nathan says to me, with an edge to his voice.

  “No, let her let it out.” My dad folds his arms.

  I calm down, knowing this might not have a good ending for me with the way they are both looking at me.

  “The point that I am trying to make is that I do not want to move. It goes beyond Nathan. Of course, I don’t want to leave him, and he may play a bigger part in it than I’m letting off. But, I want to stay here with my friends. We have been looking into schools. Just don’t make me move. Moving in with Nathan’s family would just be a last resort and if I really wanted to.” Which, I do, now that ‘serial killer dad’ is gone.

  Nathan shoots me a look. I shrug. Seriously. “I could live with Nathan and his ginormous family.” I pull the card that I know my dad will hate. “Just like Mom did with you and your family. The only difference is that her family didn’t want her anymore. They moved away and she lived with you until you all got on your feet, finished school, and got your own place.”

  My dad scratches his chin and takes an exaggerated pause. “I think we all had a busy day and we should go to bed. You know your mother and I are going out this weekend, and I can trust you two to be responsible, and not do anything that I wouldn’t want you to?” Probably not. “Nathan?” He gives him a ‘father looking at his daughter’s boyfriend’ look.

  “Yes, sir.” He rises to his feet. “I’m going to get going, Tracey. Sorry, again, about dinner, Mr. Warren.” He looks at me. “Can you walk me to the door?”

  I get up, avoiding looking at my dad. That is not fair.

  It’s okay, Tracey. The move is not happening today or tomorrow. We’ll have time to figure it out. Even if I have to move to wherever you all are moving, I will.

  I don’t want either of us to move.

  He wraps his arms around me loosely, when we make it to the front door

  Like I said, we will figure it out.

  I hug him and he kisses my forehead. I’ll see you upstairs.

  Okay.

  I close the door after watching him walk to the sidewalk.

  “Tracey, I know you think you can move in with that boy and his family, but I assure you, there will be problems.”

  I’m done with this conversation and I am pretty fed up with dads for tonight. One tried to kill me, and the other wants to steal me away. I’m not winning.

  “Okay, Dad. See you in the morning.” I walk past him to the stairs.

  “I’m not trying to be the bad guy. I’m just being honest,” he says, emotionless.

  My foot hits the first step before I turn back around. “Yeah, Dad, honest about things you don’t know. I know you think I’m just a child, talking based off of drunken love and emotions, but I’m not.” Plus, I got rid of all of the problems tonight. Well, the ones that lied in the house, anyway.

  “Tracey I—”

  “I’m done, Dad. I’ll see you in the morning. We’ll talk more then.”

  I run up the stairs to my room, closing and locking the door. My dad, unlike my mom, will follow me in here without knocking. I look over to the chaise at Sir Nathan, sitting there in all his goodness. Sitting down on my bed, he comes to me, changes my clothes, then his.

  We climb in my bed. He left the window open. As I lay in the bed, I take in the fresh smell of trees blowing in. It relaxes me. I lay my head on Nathan’s arm, after he pulls me closer to him. His comfort fills me.

  I close my eyes and every event from tonight comes rushing back to me.

  I open them quickly, fearing nightmares. “Nathan, can you clear my head?”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Can you?”

  “Yes, Tracey. Close your eyes and go to sleep.”

  I close my eyes and my mind fills with trees and me walking through a green meadow with yellow and red flowers. It is beautiful, with mountains in the distance, and the scent from outside making it realistic.

  Nathan is like my own drug, healing me and curing me—my Tylenol, taking away my pain, and my Herbal Essences, filling my head with wonders. He is wonders. I lock my fingers in his, which wrap around my waist, and pass out in the plush grass, surrounded by flowers.

  I turn into Nathan’s chest, slowly waking up. I indulge in his scent, early in the morning. I remember crying against it yesterday, in his shower. All of yesterday comes rushing back to me. Nathan is still asleep, and I stare at him, trying to erase the uninvited images.

  Everything about him is perfect. He needs to shave; his scruff is coming back in. He’ll probably do that today. The ‘worry line’ that previously laid upon his eyebrow is gone, and he looks peaceful. It makes me happy, seeing him this way. I like him peaceful.

  “What are you staring at, babe?”

  I scrunch my eyebrows, turning up the corner of my mouth. “I thought you were sleeping.”

  “How can I sleep with the damn sun beaming through your window like that?” His eyes are still closed. “How do you sleep in here with that window? Why is your bed on this side?” He sounds aggravated.

  “I used to have curtains.”

  He looks at me through the slits of his eyes. “Those curtains did nothing. It is like we are lying in an open field when the sun is at its highest—hold the heat.”

  I want to laugh, but I maintain my seriousness. “What—do you want to rearrange my room?”

  “No, I want you to come with me to my house and we can live there for a few months.”

  “A few months? Not forever?”

  “I thought we might test it out first and see how you like it—or if you like it. If you don’t, we’l
l get our own place. We would just have a lot of visitors all the time. And Nathan, Taylor, and Justin would probably come and live with us.”

  “You want to move away from your family?”

  “No, I’m saying, if you didn’t like living with my family, we could do something different.”

  “Well, now that they know we’re bound, they’ll stop hovering over us and we will get more privacy, right? Not saying that we don’t get enough privacy. Anyway, I like your family, and I wouldn’t mind living with them.”

  Nathan pulls my comforter over our heads. “Why are you so accepting of me and my family?”

  “Because I love you, and whatever makes you comfortable makes me comfortable.”

  “What if I said the same thing to you?”

  “We would have a fight over nothing—and still not come to a conclusion.”

  “It’s not any better under this blanket.” I laugh, trying to remain quiet. “So are we supposed to hang around with Glen and Scott today?”

  “Yeah, but she hasn’t called me yet to confirm.”

  “Just me and you is fine. You like fish, right?”

  “To look at or to eat?”

  He shakes his head quickly. “I want to take you to the aquarium. And we’ll walk under water and check out some dolphins.”

  “Is that far?”

  “What does it matter?”

  I take in his face, scrunched weirdly, as if I asked a question that has no answer, or the answer to the question doesn’t matter. I smile awkwardly. “It doesn’t.”

  “Okay, can you turn off the sun so we can go back to sleep?”

  “If I could, I would do it, only because you asked me to.”

  He pulls me to him with his eyes closed, throwing his arm over his face. I kiss his shoulder, and his body shutters.

  “Mm, what just happened there?” I ask, smiling.

  “You just happened there.” I kiss him again and he pulls me on top of him, grabbing me by my shoulders. “Stop, Tracey. It’s too early for you to be playing.”

  “What are—” My phone rings, interrupting me.

  Getting up, I walk over to it, taking it off my dresser. “Hello?” I answer, knowing Glen is about to go off about something—at seven in the morning on a Saturday.

  “Tracey, is everything okay? I was calling you all night. I heard something happened with Nathan’s family. Is he okay? Are we still going out today? Where are we going? Oh, hi!”

  “Huh?” Someone knocks on my door, spiking panic in me. Shit! “Hold on.” She starts yelling into the phone. “Yeah?!” I yell at the door.

  “Tracey, why are you up so early?” My mom is right to check—it’s Saturday and I’m up before time should permit.

  “Umm, Glen called me. I’m answering the phone.”

  “Well, why is Glen up so early?”

  “Mom, I don’t know.”

  “Ladybug, we all need to talk. Come downstairs when you hang up with Glen.” Not again.

  I’m irritated and it sounds in my voice. “Okay.”

  I bring the phone back to my ear and Glen is still talking. “Glen, hush. We are all still going to go out. Everything is fine. I’ll call you when we are on our way over there, which will be hours from now.”

  “Okay, Cey. Tell Nathan I said ‘hi.’ I know he is there.”

  “Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Bye.” I end the call and walk back over to my bed, dreading going downstairs.

  “Can we just leave for your house through the window—and never come back?”

  Nathan sits up behind me and kisses the back of my neck. “No, Tracey. Go see what your father wants to talk about. I’ll go to my house for a while. When you are ready, just call me.”

  “Speaking of calling you, can I have your number? It seems weird when people ask me to call you and I stare out into space.”

  “Why do you stare out into space?”

  Shrugging my shoulders, I say, “That’s how I focus when we talk.”

  “Yeah, I’ll call your phone before I leave. Smells like someone is cooking bacon.” It does.

  “Doesn’t matter; it’s not your bacon.”

  “Mm, Tracey.” He stands us up. “I’ll see you in a few. Go see what your parents want. Call me when you all are done, and I’ll come and rescue you in my Benz. Maybe I’ll let you drive it when we pull away from your house.”

  “My dad would freak.”

  “You shouldn’t let him get to you. You let him get you really upset last night.”

  I stand. “He did, but nothing like I’m going to be this morning. And since you’re not going to be here, he is going to hear some things from me and see a few tears. I’m not in the mood for dads right now.”

  “Don’t, Tracey. Just be cool. Everything will be fine. Put on some pants and go downstairs.”

  23: Relieved

  My mom has breakfast made, but I’m not in the mood to eat—not before I have to talk about things that are going to piss me off. I sit at the dining room table with my dad. “Good morning.”

  “Hey, ladybug. Good sleep?”

  “Good morning, honey,” my mom says from the kitchen.

  “Yes. Can we get on with this talk? I know you two have plans, and I would like to go back to sleep.”

  My dad puts down the paper he is holding and glances from his plate to me. “Okay, Tracey. Last night you got pretty upset when we discussed the move.” He folds his hands. “I didn’t intend to upset you.”

  So what? Get on with what you want to say. “It’s fine, Dad.”

  “Now, I want to talk about Nathan.” He looks at Mom, then back at me. “He is a little advanced, wouldn’t you think?”

  “Advanced of what?”

  He stares at me. “He owns his own business, degrees. Ladybug, you don’t even have a job.”

  I don’t like where this is going. “O-Kay.”

  “Your mother and I were thinking he may be too much for you. He is a nice, young man, very respectful and courteous. However, he has his life together, and you are just getting started. It may not be wise for you all to date and get serious.”

  I rise from the table and start walking away. I definitely do not like the direction of this conversation.

  “Tracey, do not walk away from this table while I am talking to you.”

  I turn to him, holding it together the best I can. “Don’t, Dad.” He is going too far with this.

  “Tracey, come back here and sit down. I’m trying to talk with you.” He adjusts in his seat, turning to me. “You have a voice here too.”

  Disbelief crosses my face. “Do I, Dad? Let us hear my voice, shall we?” Shit just got real. “Nathan is perfect for me and I am for him. Yes, he does have a lot of his life together, and he should. They start young and get better as they grow older.” I cross my arms. “You should be happy that I prefer to be with him, since he is doing something positive with his life and actually being responsible, making a name for our generation, rather than some drug dealer or a guy who only wants to come to my house to have sex with me.” Whoa, that may have been taking it too far.

  Step back, Tracey. I look at their wide eyes. “Sorry, look—there is nothing wrong with the fact that the guy I’m dating has his life together. Everybody needs someone, and well, we match.”

  “You would be using him for his success, Tracey, and that’s not right,” my mom says.

  “I don’t even know what that means. And how would I be using him for anything? Nathan chose me first and I followed. We were ma—” I shake my head. “We were together before I even knew anything about his business or degrees. And I do not look at him differently, nor does it make me feel any different for him because of it.”

  “What we mean, ladybug, is that he just seems a little more advanced for you. We wouldn’t want you to get blindsided into anything you weren’t ready for or do something you didn’t want to do.”

  I’m not winning. Maybe I need a different approach. “It seems like you all are tell
ing me you don’t want me to be with Nathan.” I pause, awaiting a rebuttal. Nothing comes, confirming my assumption. “And I would ask why, but fortunately enough, I do not care.

  “You all raised a very smart and mature young lady, and I thought you all would have more faith and trust in me, knowing that. I also thought that my providing the two of you with the privilege to be involved with my relationship with Nathan—giving the opportunity for you to speak on it—says a lot.” I hate the card I’m about to play, but they have pissed me off. “Honestly, I am eighteen and can legally do what and who I want.”

  “Tracey, you are out of line,” my dad blurts.

  I am, but he drove me here. “Dad, you just basically made it seem like I was inadequate for my mate, err, boyfriend.”

  “That is not what we are saying, Tracey.” My mom steps to his side with all her ‘using him for success’ glory.

  “Then what are you saying, Mom?” They are the ones who are out of line.

  “Tracey,” my dad starts in a softer tone, “all we are saying is, Nathan pretty much has it together. We don’t want you tagging along, and later, when he finds someone that’s level with him, you get dropped.” Getting up, he walks over to me. “We don’t want to see you hurt.”

  “That won’t happen,” I say, in a low tone filled with hostility.

  “And how do you know that?” Because my freaking heart beats in his freaking chest, and neither he nor I are going anywhere!

  “When you know—you know.” I don’t need to explain anything else. It is what it is. “And I am going to be honest with you both.” They stare at me, anticipating what I’m going to say. “I am going to be with Nathan. And you both are either going to be with me or against me. Nothing you say or do—including moving—will change my mind about that.”

  “Tracey, what has this boy done for you, to make you feel so strongly about him?”

  No—what has he done to me? “Mom, it’s not about what he has done for me. He can do nothing for me. It’s about what he does to me.” That doesn’t sound right. “He makes me weightless, and I level him. He makes me happy, and I make him happy. His family stands behind us one-hundred percent.” I shrug. “He loves me. What more is needed?”