Burdened (A Burdened Novel)

by Peiri Ann

  “Wait—you have met his family?” my mom counters.

  “Yes, dear, and they all live together,” my dad answers.

  “How did I miss this?” I let them carry on, Dad catching her up on the conversation that she missed last night.

  Why can’t someone knock on the door or call my phone? No, better yet, call their phone. Any other time I don’t need an interruption, there is one. Now, I’m dying for one, and everyone wants to leave me alone.

  “Okay, Tracey. So you’ve met his family, and—?” my mom asks, just like my dad did last night.

  “Mom, and is not a question. But I love his family, just to answer.” I rub my hands. “Look, there is really nothing more to talk about. I know what we have, and you all do not see it, standing on the outside, looking in. Your job is to tell me your opinions, and from what it sounds like, you both like him. Which means, he is a good guy.”

  I wait before continuing. “Yes, he is more advanced than me and more together, but so what? He loves me, and would wrap the world up and give it to me in a box, if he could. He would lay down his life in replace of mine, if he had to.”

  I calm myself, getting worked up in my explanation. “And he’d give me all that love possesses, if I needed him to.” I look at them both. “Know that this is not some childhood crush. This—what we have—is real. I’m not going anywhere, I’m not changing, and I am not leaving. And if you want, I’ll call him here so that he can tell you the same thing.”

  They study me for a moment—I guess going over what I said. They look at each other. My mom doesn’t like to argue. My dad will keep it up, even if he is losing the battle. He is where I get it from. My mom will help me win this war.

  “Mom, you know love when you see it. When Nathan was near me and around me, did you see a shutter or a falter? Why would I waste my time introducing you to him—the only guy I’ve ever introduced you to—if I thought this was just some crush or he didn’t feel the same way about me as I do him?” I smile.

  “Hell, his feelings are probably more advanced than mine.” And that should not have been said. “What I mean is, he loves me more than I love him. And, Dad, you said it yourself. Now, what made you change your mind from yesterday morning? Knowing that he owns a business? Is that making him love me any less, or the affections you acknowledged for yourself any less affectionate?”

  He walks up to embrace me, I think. I’m not sure yet; it depends on what he has to say.

  “You seem as if you know what you are speaking on. We may have been a little out of sorts saying what we said. However, we do not want to see you get hurt. We love you too, and you are our lives as well.” He lets out an arm. I’m not going into it yet. “And, yes, Nathan is a nice guy.”

  I give in, hugging him. I know this isn’t over, but they know I’m right. “So, should I be anticipating a ‘moving’ conversation when you two return?”

  “Unless you want to have it now?” my dad responds, stepping back to Mom’s side.

  Not really, but I’m curious. “You all are moving?”

  “Do you not plan on accompanying us in the move?” he asks.

  I look at him. “I do not.”

  “And where will you go?”

  Honestly, “I will register for school and either live on campus or live with Nathan for a little and see how things work out, leaving out a future family and babies though.” I know where this conversation could lead. “But I am not moving to Tennessee.”

  “Okay, Tracey,” Mom quickly interjects, before my dad can rebuttal.

  “What, dear?” Dad questions her.

  “We cannot force her to move, honey. She’s old enough to make her own decisions. Now, I do not agree with her living with Nathan. However, we cannot make her move across the country.”

  “I think we have some things we need to discuss.” That probably isn’t a good thing. “We are going to get ready to go. Yes, your mother and I did raise a very wise and responsible young lady. Don’t forget that while we are gone.”

  “Okay, Dad. You two have a good time. Love you,” I say as they walk up the stairs.

  I eat my now-cold breakfast, missing Nathan. This whole bound thing isn’t as bad as he made it seem. I think I’m controlling it. Yes, I miss him, but not to the point that I can’t do anything else.

  Nathan. Scratch that; I need him.

  Nathan. Only him. No Glen, no Scott, no families.

  Nathan. I need him to tell me he loves me and wants me. My parents just messed up my head.

  NATHAN! If you are somewhere, hanging on the brink of death, I am not saving you again.

  Still no answer, Nath!

  Yes, baby?

  What are you doing?

  Sleeping.

  Why?

  It is a crime to sleep?

  Nathan, stop. I’m putting on my clothes. Can you please come get me?

  Now?

  No, tomorrow. What the fuck, Nathan?

  Baby, what’s wrong? There’s a chuckle to his voice.

  I stop talking to him to get in the shower. My parents walk past me on my way out of the bathroom and I tell them ‘goodbye’ again. I dress in some dark-denim Bermuda shorts, two tanks—pink and blue—and some cute sandals that match my shirts and earrings. I grab my phone, walking down the stairs and out the front door.

  Nathan is sitting in his truck in my driveway. He gets out, helping me in.

  He gets back in the truck, and says, “I take it your talk with your parents didn’t go so well?”

  I turn to him, angrily, “Why couldn’t you just say ‘okay,’ when I asked you to come get me?”

  “Tracey, what’s the problem?”

  “You took forever to answer me, and you acted like I was bothering you.”

  He pulls the truck from the drive. “You are never a bother to me, Tracey.” I look at the road, going over my emotions. “So are we picking up Glen and Scott to hang out with them?”

  “No, fuck them. Just go back to your house.” He looks at me strangely. “What?”

  “That’s what I am trying to figure out.”

  I throw my head against the headrest, lifting my knees to my chest. Nathan steals looks at me the entire ride to his house. I don’t speak, only stare out the window.

  I can’t help but think about my parents’ conversation, and it’s really getting to me. Using him, not being able to give him enough of what he is giving me, me having nothing, and him having everything. It’s all starting to make sense. They have a point.

  We make it to his house and his mother is standing in the driveway on a ladder, fixing flowers that hang from the garage gutters. Nathan helps me from the truck.

  “Hey, Natalia,” I say when I touch the ground.

  “Hello, Tracey. Nice of you to come by,” as if I’m not over here all the time.

  “Mom, do not hurt yourself up there. Do you need some help?”

  “No, Nathan, I got it. Go spend some time with Tracey.”

  “Okay, mother. Be careful.” He is stern with his statement. I guess she hurts herself often, by the way it sounded.

  We walk through the house to his room, and along the way, I speak to everyone I see. People are a little calmer today. Knowing Nathan, he probably told them to be, since I was coming over.

  We walk into his room and I head to the bathroom. I’m caught up in my emotions and I don’t want him to see me break down.

  But of course, he follows right behind me. “Tracey, what is going on? What happened?”

  “Nathan, just tell me the truth.”

  “About what?”

  “Am I enough for you? I mean, you have everything together, your whole life is together. And I’m barely getting started. I can’t be.” I walk into the bathroom, trying to close the door, but he stops me. I leave it alone, leaning over the double-sink counter.

  “Is this something your parents said?”

  “Why does it matter?” I look at him through the mirror.

  “Honestly, it doesn�
�t, but I ask, because your parents don’t know the truth.” He turns me around to face him. “They don’t know who I really am or how old I really am. If they knew I was over ninety and had all of these things, their perspective would be different. Plus, they would think something was wrong, me looking this good at ninety-three, but—” He shrugs.

  I smile at his remark, not putting that piece of the puzzle into my confusion. My smile fades. “Why does it matter if I wanted you to come pick me up now or later?”

  “Tracey, I was asleep. I answered. I’m okay. You’re okay. I don’t understand what’s wrong.” He stares at me for a moment.

  I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused, and suddenly, no longer sure.

  “What makes you doubt us, babe?” he asks, in a comforting voice.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your mind—it’s full of doubt.” He looks around. “Can we go back in the room, and talk outside of the bathroom?” I stalk past him acknowledging his messy bed from the door way. It is usually made up. I walk to it. “I told you I was asleep.” He walks to me.

  The intercom goes off. “Nathan there is an Annabelle here to see you.”

  “Who the fuck is Annabelle?” I turn to him, becoming more pissed off.

  He throws his head back looking at the ceiling. “Tracey, calm down.”

  “No, she better be your replacement sister.” I walk to the intercom and press the button. “Tell her he will be right down.”

  “No Tracey.”

  “Yes, let’s go.” I turn to the door and he’s standing in front of me.

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Let her go away.”

  “Why?”

  “She is not causing any problems. You are upset and we are trying to talk about what is bothering you. We-”

  Someone knocks on the door softly. Nathan moves me back so that he can open it. He looks away from me and a body jumps on him, wrapping her arms and legs around him, and kisses him–hard.

  Shit just hit the fan. In all of five seconds, I grab the girl by her neck, ripping her from him. He grabs me by my waist, pulling me from her, and Taylor walks in the room, taking me from him.

  “What the hell is your problem?” ‘jumpy’ blurts at me.

  “Nathan, you have two seconds to handle this,” I say as Taylor’s arm wraps around the top of my chest.

  “Nathan who is she?” ‘jumpy’ asks, like we are having a cordial conversation.

  “No, who are you?” Taylor’s grip tightens. I huff in frustration. “All I know is, if you take another step towards him, you are going to lose your legs.”

  Nathan smiles at me. “Come here, Tracey.” ‘Jumpy’ gives a disgusted look. “Taylor, let her go.” She slowly drops her arm and stares at ‘jumpy,’ then looks at him. “Come here, babe.” he says again.

  I reluctantly walk over to him. Maybe too slow, because he reaches out to grab me. “You better not kiss me before you wash your face.” I look from him to ‘jumpy.’ She takes another step forward with her arm stretched out. “You can lose your arm too.” I’m ready to punch her face.

  Nathan moves behind me and faces her. “Look, Annabelle—” He wraps an arm around me. “That was inappropriate and disrespectful. Why are you even in my house?” He pauses. “And how did you find out where I live?”

  She looks at me, then back at him. “Melissa told me. And when did you get a girl, and why is it not me? I thought you didn’t have girls.” She says the word like it’s a disease.

  “Doesn’t matter. She is, and whatever you and I had ended. I already told you that. You shouldn’t have come here.”

  She takes a step forward, and Nathan grabs me tighter, anticipating another Pepper move.

  Taylor moves in front of her. “Look—Annabelle, right? My brother is trying to be nice about telling you to leave. We are really trying to save you, because if you don’t, my sister will definitely make sure of it.” Annabelle folds her arms. “Can you please leave, and tell whatever other girls you know that know Nathan to not come by here. Don’t give out our address to anyone else either. We don’t need that right now.” Taylor’s voice is calm and comforting, like she is telling a child not to play with sockets, and why.

  “Nathan I—”

  I’m not taking this. “Really!?” I try to move from Nathan, but he won’t allow me. “He has nothing to say to you. Stop talking to him and leave.”

  She opens her mouth to speak. I calm, because if I stay upset, I am going to set her on fire. “Okay, Annabelle, what is it that you need to say to Nathan?”

  She tries to speak, and I cut her off. “Nathan, do you care?”

  “No, baby.”

  “Nathan, tell Annabelle to leave.” Maybe she needs to hear it from him again.

  “Get the fuck out, Annabelle. Now!” he says with amusement.

  Taylor turns Annabelle towards the door as she glares at Nathan. “You always were a dick, Nathan,” she says as Taylor pushes her out the door.

  “I’ll be right back. I’m going to talk to her on her way out the door.” Taylor closes the door behind them and I hear, “Don’t disrespect my brother…” said harshly, trailing off.

  I turn to him. “Go wash your face.”

  He looks at me, laughing, and walks to the bathroom. “Why don’t you come wash my face?”

  “No!” I say with aggression.

  His phone rings on the nightstand. “Can you answer my phone, since I’m washing my face?”

  I pick up the phone, sliding the green bar to answer. “Yes, Scott?”

  “Hey, Tracey. Where is Nathan?”

  “Washing his face.”

  “O-Kay. Uh, we are supposed to go out today, Glen said.”

  “Maybe later—much later. We’ll call you.” I hang up.

  Nathan comes to my side and kisses my cheek. “That shit was not cool, Nathan. You almost got that girl killed.”

  “I wouldn’t have let you kill her. But I agree with you, it wasn’t okay. He touches my cheek, and I calm down. “So back to my question: What’s wrong, and what makes you doubt me?”

  “I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right. We don’t match.”

  He turns me to him. “How don’t we?”

  “You have it all figured out, and I don’t even know where I’m going to school.” I pause. “My mom told me I would be using you for your success if I stayed with you.”

  “And how did you respond to her?”

  “I said that I didn’t even know what that meant, but I love you and you love me—equally—and I have nothing to use you for.”

  “So why has your mind changed?”

  I’m not sure. “Why didn’t it shock you when that girl kissed you?”

  “It did.”

  “I couldn’t tell.”

  “Yeah, as fast as you ripped her off of me, you couldn’t.” He grabs my waist and tries to pull me to him. I’m not budging. “Come here, Tracey,” he says through his teeth, pulling me harder. I stumble forward. “Let me show you a kiss that will shock you.”

  I smile against my will. He kisses me, taking away all my doubt and worry, including the episode with ‘jumpy.’ I grab his arms and he moves me to lie across his bed, never interrupting the kiss.

  “What’s wrong with you, Tracey?” His voice is seductive and soft as he speaks against my lips. He moves his hand against my lower-back, pushing me against him.

  “Where did all this built-up aggression come from?” He kisses me deeper and my breathing becomes heavy. “You—trying to fight the world?” He moves to kiss my ‘melt my soul’ spot, under my ear. “What’s going on with you?” He kisses and melts it.

  I move his head back to kiss my lips. My emotions are going crazy. Every emotion I had that didn’t know which way to go, I put into the kiss, raising my bent legs up to his sides.

  The hand on my back moves to my thigh and squeezes. “Mm,” I moan against his mouth, and he deepens the kiss eve
n more. I clutch the waistline of his pants.

  24: Cloaked

  “Okay, I took care of that.” In walks Taylor and, right behind her, good ol’ Mom.

  Nathan and I jump up quickly, straightening ourselves. He stands and I sit up on the edge of the bed, legs crossed. I look at the messy bed that makes it look like we finished instead of just started. “Umm, this was like this before I got here.”

  Taylor and Natalia laugh as I walk from the bed to the desk chair. “Well, don’t stop on account of us,” says Natalia.

  “Maybe you all can knock before you walk in.” Nathan straightens the bed, and then invites his mom to sit down.

  “Nathan, I just walked out of the room and said I’d be right back. You two don’t waste any time,” Taylor exclaims sarcastically.

  “Yeah, well, that is so not appropriate,” I counter, as I sit next to Natalia and hug her. “Hi.”

  “Are you okay, Tracey? You looked so upset when you walked in.”

  “Yeah, my parents are just giving me a hard time right now.”

  She turns to me. “Would you like to tell me about it?”

  “Well—” What the hell, why not? “We are supposed to be moving to Tennessee…in a few months.”

  “What?! Not happening. Nathan, why haven’t you said anything?” Taylor jumps in, cutting me off.

  Nathan walks over to her. “Calm down. Everything will be fine.”

  “And he keeps saying that.” I point to him. “I don’t see it, but I trust him. Then they get me up this morning to talk about how Nathan’s too advanced for me and ‘together’ and I’m not, so we won’t work out and I’m going to end up getting hurt.” I’m getting worked up.

  “Well, we know that won’t happen.” Natalia’s voice is comforting.

  “Right, but, we got into this argument, and I probably said some things I shouldn’t have. But they were saying all the wrong things that I didn’t want to hear, especially after having such a bad day yesterday. And my dad wanted to argue with me in front of Nathan, last night, about the move.” Tears start filling my eyes. “And I—” A lump forms in my throat.