by Tessa Teevan
“What’s going on, Ma? What couldn’t have possibly waited another hour so Kalli and I could’ve had a talk with Lily?”
She smiles and glances down at my ring. “I know you think you’re doing this out of duty, but I am happy for you. Regardless of why you went into this marriage, I couldn’t imagine a better wife for you than Kalli.”
That makes two of us.
“We had a great weekend, Ma, and I promise we can talk all about it later. But quit stalling.”
A grimace spreads over her face, and I’m quick to my feet, kneeling beside her as I take her hand.
“Ma, are you sick?”
She quickly shakes her head and waves me off, so I return to my seat. “No. Well, at least no more than usual. Xavier, there’s no real easy way to say this.”
“Jesus Christ, Ma. Just spit it out.”
“A couple of weeks ago, I went ahead and had my mail forwarded here. While you were gone, I received this,” she informs me as she hands me an envelope.
“What is this?” I ask.
“Just read it.”
I pull out the letter, and my heart quickens as I skim over the words before I look up at her. “What the hell is this?”
“I called the attorney’s office listed just to make sure. It’s legitimate, Xavier,” she tells me, and suddenly, my whole world feels like it’s caving in. “Angela’s mother passed away, and it appears that she’s left an inheritance for Lily. She left funds for them to hire a private investigator to track either you or me down. My guess is you have a similar letter waiting for you at home.”
“Why? Why now?” I wonder aloud. I stand and pace the deck, looking down to read the letter over and over again, trying to make sense of this.
Ma rises and crosses to me, placing a hand on my arm. “Honey, don’t go getting all upset. I’ll never know why she sided with Angela when she left, and now that she’s gone, there’s no point in wondering anymore.”
“Ma,” I whisper. “What if this brings her back? This is the absolute worst time for this to happen. Can’t you come home?” I ask a little selfishly.
She gives me a small smile as she pats my cheek. “Honey, it’s not a bad time. In fact, it’s probably the best. After all, you have a new wife, a stepmom for Lily, who she already loves. As soon as you get home, change the paperwork. And you might as well start looking into the termination of her parental rights like your captain suggested. I know you’ve been putting if off because of the possibility that she may show up again, but I think it’s too late to worry about that.”
Swallowing hard, I know that Ma’s right. “I don’t know if I can do this with you so far away,” I tell her, feeling like that lost twenty-one-year-old kid again.
“You don’t need me anymore, Xavier. You just married one of the strongest women I’ve ever met. If—and that’s a big if—Angela comes around, I have a feeling Kalli will more than be able to hold her own.”
“Is it asking too much of her, though? This isn’t what she signed on for.”
Ma’s eyes soften. “Honey, if you think that girl wasn’t aware of exactly what she was doing when she thought up this plan, then you’re a fool.”
Touché. Hell, Kalli’s probably more mentally equipped to handle this than I am, and for about the thousandth time in the past six months, I’m completely grateful for her.
“I’m not a fool, Ma.”
“I didn’t think so. Now, do me a favor. Don’t push her away. Just be happy for once, Xavier. That’s all I want for you.”
Wrapping my arms around her, I place my chin on her head. “I can do that, Ma. But you have to promise me something in return.”
“Anything.”
“Kick that brain tumor’s ass.”
Ma promises that she’ll do nothing less, and after getting her to agree to weekly—at least—check-ins, we head inside, where Ma stops in the kitchen to help Ginger with dinner. Walking through the house, I seek out Lily, wondering how in the hell she’s going to the react to the news. I find her sitting on the porch with Kalli, regaling her with every little detail of what she did while we were away.
“Hey, you two,” I say as the screen door slams behind me. “Can I join you, or is this a girls-only party?”
Lily, my budding preteen, rolls her eyes at me but scoots over anyway. “I was just telling Aunt Kalli about how Grandma and Ginger let me watch The Hunger Games one night after Jacob went to bed.”
My eyes widen, and I look at Kalli over the top of Lily’s head. She just gives me a shrug before turning her attention back to Lily.
“The Hunger Games, huh? What’s that about?” I ask.
She hops up and stands directly in front of Kalli and me, animatedly moving her hands as she describes the entire movie in what I’m guessing is very precise detail. “And then, when we went to the mall, Aunt Ginger bought me a Nerf bow and arrow so I can be just like Katniss!”
“Wow, Lily . . . That’s great,” I tell her, really having no idea what to say as I realize just how quickly she’s growing up. Wasn’t it only six months ago that she wanted to watch Frozen all the time? Now, she’s not even scared watching a movie where little kids kill each other in order to survive? “Hey, listen. Kalli and I need to talk to you about something.”
Kalli looks over at me and whispers, “Now?”
I nod, moving over to close the distance between us. Lily stops her fake arrow shooting and looks at us curiously.
“Am I in trouble?” she asks.
Kalli laughs. “No, Lily, of course not. Aunt Ginger might hear a word or two from your dad, but you’re not in trouble.”
“Phew,” she says with exaggerated relief.
“Lily, you know how Aunt Kalli has been around a lot, right? And we’ve been spending time together . . .” I trail off, not sure how to phrase this. Lily has no idea I’ve been seeing Kalli away from her, and as she tilts her head, her forehead wrinkling in confusion, I freeze.
Kalli looks over at me with a smirk and then turns her attention to my daughter. “Lilypad, how would you feel about me moving in with you and your daddy now that your grandma’s going to be down here with Aunt Ginger?”
Lily’s eyes widen and she excitedly claps her hands together. “Really? That would be awesome!” she exclaims.
Kalli glances at me, silently asking if she can continue. She’s doing better than I am, so I give her a slight nod.
“That’s what I think, too,” Kalli agrees.
“So, does that mean you’re moving into Grandma’s room? What about when she gets better?” she asks.
I choke out a cough. “Umm, Lily, no. I mean . . . I think . . .” I sputter, and this time, Kalli’s the one who’s rolling her eyes at me.
“What your dad’s trying to say is that I’ll be moving into his room.”
Lily’s eyebrows lift in surprise, and Kalli quickly continues.
“So, you know how I’ve always been a little crazy? Well, I asked your dad to marry me, and when we were in Las Vegas, we went to the chapel and got married, just the two of us.”
“She asked you?” Lily asks, turning towards me, completely disregarding the whole marriage bit. “I thought boys were supposed to ask!”
Kalli laughs then coughs when I glare at her.
“Girls can ask, too. But don’t worry, Lily. I proposed to Kalli with a ring and everything,” I reassure her.
Lily’s eyes seek out Kalli’s hand, and she moves in close to look at it. “This is pretty, Dad. Boy, am I relieved. I know you’re not used to girls and stuff, but it would be embarrassing if you couldn’t even get a proposal right.”
This time, Kalli can’t hide her snort, and I grab Lily, pulling her into my lap as I wrap my arms around her. She allows me to hug her briefly before she slides off my lap and back between Kalli and me. Her small hands find each of ours as she creates a link.
“Does this mean we’re a real family now?” she asks, looking back and forth between the two of us.
Kalli sm
iles down at Lily, the expression on her face one of pure love. I struggle to tear my gaze away from her, but somehow, I manage. The look on Lily’s face is hopeful.
“Yeah, Lil. I guess it does.” My voice chokes a little with emotion I wasn’t expecting.
Kalli glances up at me, her smile fading just a little as tears shimmer in her eyes.
Lily leans against my shoulder and looks up at Kalli. “So, does this mean I don’t call you Aunt Kalli anymore?”
“You can call me whatever you want, Lilypad,” Kalli tells her.
“Okay . . .” Lily says slowly before she perks up. “Even Mom?”
I hear Kalli’s sharp intake of breath, and I’m equally as taken aback. I’m not ready for this, and I don’t want Kalli to feel obligated, so I quickly step in.
“Don’t you think it’s a little soon for that?” I ask, all of this happening way too fast.
Lily shrugs. “Not really. She’s the closest thing I’ve ever had to a mom, and now that she’s your wife, it makes sense to me.”
That’s ten-year-old logic at its finest.
Kalli grins down at her, a tear trickling down her trick. “Then, yes, Lily. If that’s what you want, you can call me Mom.”
“Cool,” Lily says, jumping up. “I’m gonna go tell Grandma and Aunt Ginger!”
As soon as we’re alone, Kalli rises and starts to walk inside. I catch her hand, and she stops, not looking at me.
“Kalli,” I whisper, wanting to talk about this but not exactly sure what to say.
“Can you give me a minute? That was a little overwhelming and a whole lot unexpected.” She sniffs, still not looking at me, probably trying to mask her tears.
As much as I want to talk about this, I’ll give her what she wants. “Yeah. Go ahead. I understand. Take all the time you need.”
Apparently, she takes what I say to heart, because no matter how long I sit out there on that porch, she doesn’t come back.
And that’s okay by me. Thoughts of Angela possibly tracking down Lily coupled with the fact that Lily wants to call Kalli Mom has my mind working in overdrive.
I want to rewind the last twenty-four hours and be back in Vegas, wrapped up in Kalli, forgetting the tumor, termination of rights, and anything else that might upend my world.
That right there tells me all I need to know.
Platonic will never work.
I’D BEEN so ready to get to the bottom of his change of pace, but then Lily called me Mom, tilting my world on its axis. When she bounded inside to spread the good news, I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. It wasn’t because I was upset. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Hearing Xavier agree when Lily asked if we were a real family and then her declaration that I should be called Mom . . . I nearly broke down on the spot.
I’m not a crier by any means, and I usually do a pretty good job of keeping my emotions in check. But after the highs I experienced over the weekend, the extreme low I felt—even if for a short time—when he suggested that we go back to platonic, and then the elation as my heart soared when Lily said that sweet word, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wanted to burst with happiness, and I was so close to doing that—with tears. The last thing I wanted was for Xavier to have to deal with an emotional mess. Not to mention, I didn’t quite trust myself to be around him any longer without spilling how I truly feel about him. I know he’s not ready, so instead of sticking around, I fled.
I was able to get through the house undetected as I slipped out back and down to the beach. I spent hours walking along the shore. We were heading home in the morning, and I needed this. One last night out in my favorite setting to try to gather my thoughts. Not that it did any good, really, but for a few short hours, I was at peace.
By the time I got back to the house, I’d missed dinner, the kids were in bed, and it was easy enough to use exhaustion as a way to escape to my room.
The next day, Xavier didn’t mention my disappearance, and the drive home to Clarksville was uneventful, filled with chatter from Lily. He offered to stop at my apartment so I could pack a few things, but we were all so tired from the drive that I said that I’d just do it the next day. Eventually, he and I settled into small talk, and while it felt forced at first, it became natural over time.
As we told Lily, I moved right into his room. Neither of us said a word as we got into bed, and even though he still held me tight, it felt like we’d reverted back to our old dynamic. And I hated it. I have ever since we got home.
It’s been just like before, except this time when his hand settles on my stomach, I cover it with mine, our rings aligning perfectly. Something’s bothering him, and I don’t think it’s me. I have a feeling it has something to do with whatever his mom talked to him about before we left Gulf Shores, but he hasn’t opened up to me. Perhaps he was going to tell me when I left him on the porch but I didn’t give him a chance. Now, he hasn’t tried to bring it up again, and I keep waiting for him to do so, only to be disappointed every time we’re alone.
So it’s been three days of trying to act normal around Lily and three nights of attempting to calm my raging libido when he climbs into bed behind me.
Three days.
That probably doesn’t seem like much, and honestly, it’s not. But I’m not sure I can stand this push and pull of our relationship for much longer. If he does want to remain platonic, I can’t stay in his bed no matter what we told Lily. It’ll be too hard to leave it, and no matter how strong I think I am, even the strongest woman has her breaking point.
Which is why, yet again, I’m finding myself in the middle of my classroom, bearing my soul to Lucy as we take a break from preparing our rooms for returning back to school the following week.
“I don’t know what to do, Lucy. I don’t want to push him, but I’m also tired of the push and pull. Whiplash doesn’t even begin to describe what he’s doing to me. It’s just . . . I’m in unchartered territory here. Lily thinks we’re this blissful couple, happy and in love, and I hate lying to her. The more we pretend, the more real I want it to be. If I don’t move out of his room soon, or if he doesn’t at least touch me, I’m going to mount him in his sleep and then smother him with a pillow.”
She laughs, stopping immediately when she sees my scowl. “I’m sorry, Kalli. I don’t know what to say. What did you expect? The Xavier that was in Vegas? I’d never met that guy before. I can’t say I’m actually surprised he reverted back to his old broody self.”
“That’s the thing. He’s not really broody. It’s more like it was this past summer. Like we’re friends again, except I can’t be in the same room with him any longer without picturing him naked.”
“Then talk to him about it. Tell him what’s bothering you. If he’s still riding this whole platonic train, then maybe you need to do the same.”
As I mull her words over, I wonder if she’s right. If it’s platonic Xavier wants, then why not give it to him?
Her eyes widen when she sees the wicked grin on my face.
“Lucy Dawson, you are a beautiful genius. I have an idea. It may blow up in my face, but at least it’ll get him to make up his damn mind.”
As I lean forward and tell her my plan, she listens intently, a slow smile spreading over her face. “If this doesn’t work, then you’ll definitely have your answer,” she says.
For a split second, I wonder if I’m going too far. Because she’s right. After tonight, I’ll finally know where Xavier stands. Even though I’m not sure I’m ready for it, I can’t remain in limbo any longer. The sooner I know what he wants, the sooner I can either revel in it or start building a fortress around my heart to try to protect it from any more damage if what he wants isn’t me. I plaster a smile on my face and gaze at Lucy.
“So, you’re in?”
“Oh, girl I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
As I settle back in my chair, we make plans, and I hope like hell this pays off.
K: Don’t forget Lily has that sleepover tonight. Don
’t worry about me if you want to hit the gym after work. A few of us from the school are going out for dinner and drinks. Won’t be out too late.
I toss my phone to Lucy before hitting send to get her approval.
She raises and eyebrow as she hands it back to me. “Kalli, I sure hope you know what you’re doing.”
Not responding, I click Send and hope the same thing.
AFTER A long week of briefings and meetings with the JAG office to figure out the best way to approach the lawyer Angela’s mom hired, I’m more than ready to get home for the night. Mom was right. I had received a similar letter requesting contact, and it threw me for a loop all over again. A funk fell over me, and I know I’ve been a complete shit to Kalli all week—undeservedly so. I could blame this Angela stuff. I could blame the fear of Lily already wanting to call Kalli Mom. I could blame a lot of things, but at the end of the day, it’s all me. So, tonight, I’m making up for it. With Lily at a friend’s, we’ll have the house to ourselves, and I plan on showing her just how dumb I think platonic is. Because the last thing I want is to have a platonic relationship with Kalli. I just wish it hadn’t taken my daughter immediately noting that we’re a family to know that that’s what I really want.
Even after I suggested it, I knew I wouldn’t be able to last, but before Ma dropped the bomb on me, I didn’t get a chance to tell her that it was a fleeting lapse in judgment—stupidity, even.
And once we got home, I was worried about how the dynamic would change with Kalli moving in. Except . . . it hadn’t. It was the most natural transition, almost as if she was meant to be there. Because she is. Now, I need to start treating her like it.
After stopping at the florist and then the grocery store, I head home to celebrate our one-week anniversary. The guys would say that I’m lame, but after this week, Kalli deserves it. Hell, she deserves more, but I want to at least do this to show her that I’m taking this seriously. Or that I’m at least going to start to.
A frown settles on my face as I pull into the drive and see that the house is dark. When I get inside, it’s empty, but I don’t think much about it. Kalli had plans to set up her classroom with Lucy. I take advantage of her being gone and get to work setting the table and starting dinner. Once I’ve popped a bottle of wine open, I pour myself a glass to calm my nerves, hoping I haven’t pushed her away too much this week.