Gloria Rising: A Story of Hope and Survival In Dark Evil Places

by Linden Morningstar

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 152

  Saturday night

  Dear Green Giant,

  I had a dream about Gloria that scared me tonight. We were rushing up trying to get away from something, we were just children. I was half carrying her. For some reason I was half-frantic trying to protect her. Something was after us, I didn’t know what it was, but it was something that made me feel sick and terrified, so I was shaking and crying as we scrambled up these big slabs of rocks miles high in the sky. The thing that was chasing her and us was the “Other”. It was trying to get her, and I was going frantic trying to keep it away from her. I felt if I could only get her over the top of the mountain we’d be safe. She was hurrying too, but she was too weak and helpless and I was having to push her and lift her all the time. And then the “Other” caught up with us.

  The dream went mad just then. One minute we were miles up the mountains and the next there wasn’t anything to stand on and we were going down this black tunnel and we had a near death experience like Gloria has had before when sick. I had always dismissed anything I couldn’t explain in logical, down-to-earth terms. But what happened in this dream brought back in details what happened to Gloria when she was dying. I call it a near death experience because it can happen when the life has nearly gone from your body and your mind or soul – whatever comes in contact with God.

  It happened in our dream too. There was a kind of telepathic communication with the “Light”. It’s as if all the secrets of the universe was at our fingertips. The same happened to Gloria when awake and dying. Her mind afterwards worked differently seeking questions and answers she didn’t know existed – trying to find meaning in obscure words and phrases that crowded into her mind at odd times – other things – out of the blue a question would pop out of her – something crazy like “What’s a gigahertz” and she began visiting libraries and always had her nose in a book. Many would say, “There goes Einstein again.” The other times flashes of insight and understanding of subjects she never gave a thought of would come to her.

  My mind whirls back to what happened in the dream and in real life and I’m overcome with emotion again. It’s like I’ve learned what counts in this life. I don’t pretend to know even a fraction of the afterlife but one thing I’m certain there is an afterlife after death. So our dream which reminded us of all this was not so bad after all was it?

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 153

  Wednesday night

  Hi again,

  Tonight before Gloria went to sleep, she was thinking of how strange it seemed that she was still alive – strange to her. Strange but also very real. “I mean, I’m here.” That’s the basic thing. And why should she be when so many other millions with heart attacks didn’t make it?

  Well the answer was obvious to her. Something very important won’t get done unless she did it. I know it sounds pompous or conceited but she had the feeling that the world needed her – maybe not the world. Maybe just a little part of it. The feeling was so awesome and real that it kind of paralyzed her. Maybe that’s why Gloria had the dream she had tonight.

  In her dream she was a man and she wasn’t sure what her purpose in life was. So here goes – the dream.

  He (Gloria) got a call from the head of a well-known aid organization and he said he had an important request to make of him would he consent to go to Vietnam to be part of a humanitarian team because he wanted the Vietnamese refugees fed because nothing improves until the people eat. He said, “Diem and Madame Nhu knew that – so did Kennedy.”

  Gloria listened but with great doubt. Vietnam may have been a remote, backwater country, but it was a hell of a long way from Tahoe City. Yet the more John talked, the more it made sense. The population of South Vietnam was seventeen million because more than a million Vietnamese had fled the North. The French were there a long time at least six decades.

  John was the one Westerner toward whom the Vietnamese felt none of their habitual ambivalence and suspicions because as he said they were lucky to have him; if wasn’t for him, Ho Chi Minh would have the whole country by now – at reeducation meetings.

  Gloria asked, “How much do you think the relief service has put up for the refugees from the North?” and John replied, “At least, fifty million dollars.” “You mean food, clothing, and supplies?” He said, “Yes, and after Dien Bien Phu if we hadn’t made such good use of the Navy ships provided by our money whole books written about that extraordinary exodus wouldn’t have occurred.”

  By this time he (Gloria) had his mind made up, he was going to get involved to see to it that the hungry would be fed, the naked clothed, and the burned children of napalm rescued and given sanctuary in the States. She knew she must find the burned children or she would never forgive herself for Joshua’s death. She needs to grieve Joshua’s death and resolve her survivor’s guilt. She’s burdened by the fact, she couldn’t rescue him and didn’t say anything – fearing death – this is important

  Thanks for listening. It’s getting so we can almost make up our own dreams.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 154

  Sunday night

  Dear You,

  We had an odd dream tonight and it was scary as if it had once happened. A little girl came home from school, she was real happy, she had made a friend who had walked part way with her. She couldn’t wait to tell the woman who took care of her. The woman’s voice gushed in a whisper like the hiss of a reptile. “You’ll have the bath again, the cold one. You have made it necessary, you must know that.” The six year old dropped her chin to her chest and sobbed. For just a moment the numbing cold was forgotten. All she could feel was the loneliness, the destitution, the fear of what the woman said.

  Kneeling on the green tile floor the woman’s eyes those weapons of indignation she said, “You must rely on me to see to you and the learning hurts but you must fear and you must thank the Lord for the vision I have, for the care I give you.” The little girl shivered in her nakedness. She was kneeling in the bathtub with icy water almost to the rim. “Please help me,” she begged as the woman bent closer. “You will be cleansed,” she whispered. Her hands crept up her arms to her shoulders. Resignation settled over her and she steeled herself for what was to come. I have to change the little girl to a little boy here because my emotions won’t let me through this.

  Her fingers gripped the top of the little boy’s bony shoulders and he cringed. “No,” he moaned, “Please don’t.” His voice was a little more than a whisper, it carried his hopelessness, his despair. “You will feel the cleansing spirit over you,” she said. Her grip grew tighter, he was afraid, he had heard those words before and with it he had felt the pain in his lungs, the awful sensation in his head. He shivered from the cold and the fear. He felt the increase in pressure and with a terrified expulsion of breath he instinctively pushed his arms to the rim of the tub – the woman raised herself off her knees and all her strength her weight pressed down on the boy. There was a splash and he plunged beneath the freezing water. He felt consciousness about to slip away – her hands were vises at his shoulders holding him down squeezing his flesh rocking him from side to side.

  His breath was gone, he tried to push himself up, but the pressure of her only increased – his lungs seemed to be collapsing his muscles tightening – he had to force his mouth to stay closed as it yearned to open and gasp for air. Finally, he could resist no more and breathed through his nose. But it was water that flowed blocking his throat, choking him.

  Can’t tell you the rest tonight – too many emotions getting to me.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 155

  Friday night

  Hi,

  I’m going to continue from what I can remember when I left off when the little boy breathed through his nose and the water choked him. Suddenly, he was lifted his head out of the water. But still he could not breathe. He could only gag on th
e liquid in his throat – he coughed and tried to steady himself, to spit out the water to gasp for air. But he was still in the woman’s clutches and she shook him from side to side, all the while shouting commands to the spirit. “Cleanse him, purify him. Remove the criminal stains from him. Scrap it from his skin!” Her fingers dug into his shoulders – shaking him again she cried, “Let the waters come. You must welcome the waters, you must be purified you criminal.”

  He coughed up phlegm from his throat. His body ached from gagging – his mind swirled from the woman’s words. Suddenly, he was being pushed down again. He tried to speak, to plead for her to stop but his body was wracked with heaving sobs with the gasp for breath – then he was under again and the cold flooded over his head and the woman’s hands dug painfully into his shoulders, his neck, and his back. He had no strength to resist, no will to fight. He wished for the feeling of goodness to come back to wash over him. But it did not come. The pain did not stop. His head pounded from the lack of air. He felt a throbbing in his neck as his throat seemed to burn for breath. The inside fire spread to his lungs then from his chest to his entire body.

  He twisted in the woman’s grip, rocked from side to side and suddenly he was face above water. “Do you feel it the cleansing is it good?” she shrieked, “But you must feel its true being you must feel the goodness.” Her shrieks were like needles jabbing into his throbbing head. Then while he was fighting for air without warning – I’ll have to finish this later have a terrible headache – maybe not necessary to finish it.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 156

  Sunday night

  Hi again,

  I’m trying to think where I was at when I finished my last letter – oh, yes – I remember – the little boy had his head up out of the water and was fighting for air and couldn’t get it out the woman was shrieking at him and then without any warning at all without a last gulp of oxygen he was pushed down into the water again. Right away the pain was there the crying for breath was in his lungs. A dullness throbbed at the back of his head – it was a dizzy feeling and as it grew his whole body seemed to swirl with the dizziness. He gulped for and at the air but it had turned solid. It slammed into his throat, his body convulsed and then there was blackness – the woman he heard screamed.

  “Little boy,” the voice was muffled as if cotton batting covered his ears. “You’re alright, I’m the doctor you had an accident. Are you awake now? The little boy watched the man’s lips but the words came later. He thought of the woman and how she had held him in the tub and he suddenly felt a flood of terror, he had felt then and he turned and looked at the hands on his shoulders. “It’s okay, I’ll stop back – see,” said the doctor. He relaxed it wasn’t the woman it was someone else. We’ll finish later okay.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 157

  Friday night

  Hi,

  The little boy did not relax for long – kneeling again on the tile floor, her eyes filled with flames of hatred the woman shrieked, “You must rely on me to see for you. You cannot see the evil that is in you but I can. I can see into people’s hearts and yours and I see the talons of the devil clenching them and you in his grasp. I couldn’t always see but I learned – I learned and you stole that money and other things and oh, how the learning hurts. You would fear if you could see as I do.”

  The little boy listening did indeed feel fear with the woman’s presence hovering over him and her words pelting him and he was scared of the image of his skin turning gray and rotting away from the icy water. “You must thank the Lord for the purity, I give your soul.” The boy’s face was streaked with tears and he shivered in his nakedness. Her long black hair made her face all the starker, her expression sharper. “Pray,” she cried.

  “I pray, I pray, I pray,” he screamed and let his chin crash against his chest. The icy water almost to the rim, he was now kneeling in the tub but though cold numbed him worse was the fear of the shapes the half human figures, he saw coming toward him. “Please help me,” he pleaded and they came closer but it did no good.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 158

  Sunday night

  Hi Green Giant,

  Gloria had one astonishing dream tonight, she blinked often and she dissolved into herself, passing down through her essence – where she entered a curving tunnel of light and darkness and merged into the light. Here past and future united – time and space became one, all that had been and would be pulsated beyond color and sound. There were stars in all directions, all kind of stars – some exploding gently into fountains of light – others moving back and forth in glistening clusters of no known dimension – there sounds – whispering forming a wall of noise, voices separate – then as one, all around like the streaming light above and below the stars – a single great sound that filled the void and gave it life everlasting.

  One voice – a million voices – one sound – a rising tide. The boundless, anguished cry of human history echoing far into the future. She was shaken then her soul seemed to be scattering through time and space then returned, trying to gather herself together, light still rising and falling but this time our Pyramid Lady glimmered into the light – we recognized her immediately and she said, “Do not be alarmed, all will be well – you’re going to do me proud and all will be yours. You are being reborn.” Gloria woke up pretty shaken – I was shaking too but it felt transcendent – it felt as though we were touched by God – touched by a flash of infinite love that opened our hearts and minds to fully embrace life – to love again.

  Gloria’s Helper

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 159

  Friday night

  Dear Adam,

  Gloria had one strange dream tonight. Her closed eyes were upon a whirlpool and stars in awesome depths. Yes, the whirlpool vortex formed a tunnel, boring down through time and space, revealing the stars frozen in eternity down there, in those dizzying depths across her closed eyes forming a river of flames – around, the stars which were benevolent, was the darkness and Gloria was sucked down shrinking rapidly as she descended and then went spinning into the singularity of eternity to be torn between good and evil.

  The lights rose and fell there was a tremendous tumult of chaos – she was building up to a great violence when the woman with three eyes appeared and approached her. She put an amulet around Gloria’s neck and said, “A blind and destructive rage can build up and the bad consume your soul but I give you this amulet to reassure you that the love and innocence of your soul do not (she emphasized this twice) put you at the mercy of uncontrollable emotions”

  Gloria was dazed, slightly dizzy but she realized that the woman had tied the string of the amulet around her neck and so it rest on her throat – the woman then picked it up and let it slip back through her fingers and rest, it fell on Gloria’s throat with the coolness of frozen glass once more on her warm skin. The woman then said, “It will protect you and endow you with strange powers. It will always be yours.”

  Then Gloria blinked and looked again, sensing herself drifting away, then saw black night, dark clouds; wheeling stars, the impenetrable cosmos – they were mesmerizing all around her, inside her, and a light seemed to blossom through her whole body.

  She woke up by herself tonight out of the trance – with a closed mouth smile and a look of peace radiated from her. She felt renewed and energized. I’m not sure what it all means but I feel something took place out of the ordinary but I could be wrong. What do you think?

  Gloria’s Helper

  LETTER FROM GLORIA 160

  Wednesday night

  My Dear Adam,

  In the middle of the night I awakened in panic. I was completely disoriented. I realized that I had awaken myself by calling your name – then I knew I was home. I feel as if part of myself has been severed. I’m crying for a little girl I’ve never known, and for the waste. I bite my lip against crying out and my heart pounds wildly. I feel so many th
ings at once. There is agony and sorrow that is inescapable, but … oh, I just don’t know how to describe it.

  Then I think, “Can’t you understand you’ve been beaten since you were a small child, not with a stick but beaten just the same. Then I think, I had never given up hope that my sister and mother would accept and love me as I was. I feel completely helpless. I have no weapons to fight this most basic of all needs that a child has. The hurt is deep. The pain I’ve held in check for so long floods through me. I can’t do anything to alter the situation. It is a tragedy but it is not yours and I shouldn’t be talking to you of it because it will not change anything that I feel. And Adam, thank you, I know you want what is best for me. I feel so many things. The storm of emotions breaks so violently. I shake as if in the grip of a seizure and the tears pour down my cheeks. She will never – never – love me.

  I know it’s too late in many ways. Too much damage has been done that can never be repaired. There are people who live lives differently. I know they accept whatever happens day to day without struggle or questions or regret. To them things just are, like the earth and the sky and seasons. In many ways it must be a comfortable existence but now that I think of it – it sounds more like being dead. Thinking less and feeling less – I’ve been through that too and as bad as I feel, I’ll take the feeling – at least I know I am alive.

  The unconscious knows me better than I know myself and it’s solving a lot of things I wouldn’t have solved and I’m beginning to remember them. You know the unconscious lets you know who you are if you really listen to it.

  This is a letter from me (Gloria) because I felt the need to communicate with you. I can’t begin to tell you what you mean to me. Your encouragement is all that kept me going. I wanted you to know I am making progress. God bless you and keep you in His loving arms.

  Me – Gloria

  AUTOMATIC LETTER 161

  Sunday night

  Hi again,

  Tonight Gloria dreamed she was on her way to the orphanage. She was in a bus beside another little girl and the little girl was telling her that she was going to kill herself first chance. She said, “She couldn’t stand going to live in an orphanage and that her name was Anne.” She started to sob and Gloria could see her small bent shoulders shake. “Anne, no one thing curses a person to take their life. Even though sometimes it looks that way. Anne it’s the feeling of hopelessness that is destructive. The feeling that nothing will ever change for the better. Now, I’m going to share a secret with you that I use. There’s a place in each and every one of us that knows things will get better. It’s a place where the real part of us hides. Whenever we’re sad or scared we just have to keep the outside sounds away so we can hear. And Anne if you listen very well and carefully, the promise for tomorrow will come on the whisper from inside you. That place is the place of hope – and I want you to give me your promise that you’ll try to find it. If you do that every day, you’ll find it, I’ll remind you of it.”