WITHOUT SHAME: Babylon MC Book 4

by James, Victoria L.

  I tore away without another thought, pushing the plans to hurt the mayor’s family to the back of my mind because that family had somehow become my own, and instead, I went to find fresh blood. Blood I wouldn’t have to put a name to.

  Chapter Seven

  AYDA

  I pulled up outside The Hut and stared at the small porch from my truck. I’d left Autumn’s house feeling much better than I had when I’d left home that morning. Unfortunately, the call I’d received from Babylon High’s principal as I’d been driving back had completely pushed me back into the realm of emotional, and the cause of my dismay was currently sat on the railing waiting for me.

  My kid brother.

  My suddenly irrational and rule-breaking kid brother who had broken a pupil’s nose at school today.

  Tate obviously thought I was pissed. His hands were entwined between his legs, and his eyes were downcast, studying them. He seemed to forget I was making a lot of allowances for the men in my life at the moment, but it wouldn't hurt him to sweat bullets for a while. I knew just how to deal with this kind of shit.

  With a quiet sigh, I turned off my truck and hopped out, making sure to slam the door behind me, ultimately satisfied with the wince that Tate tried and failed, to hide. Pushing my keys into my pocket, I climbed to the porch and rested my forearms on the railing just next to where he was sitting.

  Then, I waited.

  I waited in silence because I knew he would crack first.

  I waited in silence because this was the only way to see his mood and how he would react to how I decided to handle this situation.

  I waited because he was a good kid going through a hard time.

  “I fucked up, A.”

  I stayed quiet, continuing my stoic stare out over the yard toward the pawnshop.

  “The little shit was running his mouth about crap he couldn't possibly understand. He was saying things about you, Drew, and... He was baiting me, and I took it. I… I lost my temper.”

  Continued silence from me—that’s all Tate was getting.

  “I'm not looking for this kind of trouble. Honest, A. Its just, since that night at Rusty’s, and then Harry…”

  Before he'd died, I hadn't realized Harry had taken Tate under his wing. I hadn't realized he and Drew had been taking turns to teach Tate how to ride a motorcycle. I hadn't known that Harry had been in the process of teaching Tate and Rubin basic mechanics to help keep their bikes in best working order. I hadn't realized that Harry had made as much of an impact on Tate's life as he had mine. That had been selfish of me. I should have been paying more attention. I should have known all of this, and that surge of guilt was one of the reasons I pushed aside any need to discipline him.

  “I can't lie, I'm a little bit disappointed, but I'm not mad,” I said with a rush of air. “You have to get control of this anger, though, T. I know I have no right to put this on you, not when you're grieving like the rest of us, but I just need to know I don't have to worry about you.”

  He lifted his head and looked down at me, just as I raised mine to meet his.

  “I'm not saying get over it. I'm not saying don't grieve. I'm just asking you to be smart about your choices. I'm asking you to come to me if you feel as though it's too much. We're all hurting here, kid. We're all being a little reckless and sensitive, but you're the only one fucking with your future in a way that can't be redeemed. You, of all people, can't afford to keep hiding your sadness in the bottom of a bottle, or pound out your frustrations on your classmates’ faces.”

  “I'm sorry.” This time his apology was a little sincerer. “I'll do better.”

  “I know you will.”

  Tate planted a kiss to the crown of my head before swinging his legs around and hopping down from the railing. He headed toward the doors and stopped after pulling it out of his way, looking over his shoulder at me.

  “Thanks, A. I love you.”

  “Love you back.”

  He walked inside, and when the door swung shut, I heard the catcalls from some of the guys about him being charmed and let off easy. I smiled to myself, genuinely relieved that he found it easy to at least talk to the guys about some of this shit.

  Unfortunately, the smile didn't last long. Eric appeared from inside and stepped up beside me, mirroring my pose on the railing.

  “That was nice of you,” he said, the gentle lilt of that charming accent popping up in the word nice. “He was worried about how you'd react. I think Kenny won the wager, though.”

  “They make bets on pretty much anything, don't they?”

  “That's something that's never changed,” he admitted, scratching at his graying stubble. “I think they made a bet on how long Drew would cry after his circumcision when he was born. Anything is fair game with these men.”

  I nodded in response and looked down at the railing, my eyes traveling along the wood grain looking for something to hold my attention. My body was still aching, and my head was starting to join in the thrumming throb.

  “I'm glad he found you, Ayda.” Eric sounded almost uncomfortable offering me a compliment, but I let him out of an even more awkward exchange by keeping my eyes down. I didn't want him to see the surprise there. “Without you, he'd be lost completely. Harry was always a better father than I was. He loved Drew from the moment he set eyes on him. I loved him; don't ever doubt that. But Drew’s mom used to say if we’d had a girl—”

  “I was a daddy's girl,” I admitted out loud as the emotion gathered in my chest. “I miss that connection, so does Tate. He misses our dad, and now he's lost another male figure he looked up to, and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it.”

  Eric knew I wasn't just talking about Tate anymore. That loss I was talking about applied to Drew and the rest of the men, too. I raised my hand to stop him from saying anything. I didn't need to hear his excuses or explanations anymore. They were all in the past. Today was where the issues now lay, and all of my energy was focused on that.

  “The past is the past, right?” I said quietly. “What matters is how you deal with what's going on now. Drew trusts you to ride with him, Eric. He trusts you to keep his secrets. All I ask is that you don't let him fall down that hole he's digging. Not deep enough that he can't crawl back out again, anyway.”

  I stood up, slapped the rail, and headed into The Hut, ignoring the fact that Tate was trying to hide a shot he'd just taken, or that Kenny was the one holding the bottle. I avoided eye contact with Libby and some of the other girls, and more than anything, I blanked out the looks of concern Slater was shooting my way.

  I was through with today.

  I needed to sleep more than two hours and hit a reset switch, but only after I’d soaked in the tub for a while to collect my thoughts.

  * * *

  “Ayda?” I startled awake in the tepid water of a long-cooled bath and groaned. I'd fallen asleep in the tub.

  Shit.

  “Yeah?” I replied. The word came out garbled enough for me to cough and try again. “Yeah?”

  “Everything okay?” Jedd asked roughly. “You've been in there for almost two hours.”

  “Fell asleep,” I admitted. Stifling a groan as I shifted my aching body. “I'll be out in just a minute.”

  I looked around the room and found my robe hanging on the back of the door. It would cover enough of me to hide the bruises, and it would keep me warm. Two of my biggest priorities right then.

  Why was Jedd seeking me out?

  Pulling the plug, I took my time getting out and drying off. I think a part of me was hoping that Jedd would give up and leave, but I was also mostly curious. If I was going to toss a coin on this dilemma, however, I was hoping to high heaven he'd go. That was too much to expect. I should have known my luck wasn't going to hold for long.

  Pulling my robe around me, I opened the door and found myself face to chest with him.

  Jedd didn't say anything, and he sure as hell didn't give me any personal space, just because that was what mos
t people would do. Instead, he took a couple of breaths, studied me and then reached out, brushing the collar of my robe aside and exposing my shoulder.

  “Hmm,” was the only noise he made, the low rumble of exasperation followed by a silent sigh.

  “He talked to you?” I asked, not needing more understanding than that. Jedd was an intimidating guy, but he was also respectful. I knew I was safe with him, even in an awkward exchange like this one.

  “How bad is it?”

  “It's not.”

  “Ayda.” There it was again, my name said in a way that held more meaning than it had any right to.

  “Jedd, it's a couple of bruises that I don't regret. Let's not blow things out of proportion.”

  “Ain't the way Drew sees it, sweetheart.”

  Shaking my head, I pushed past Jedd and into the room where I could feel less intimidated by his tall frame. He was like a damn mountain when he wanted to be.

  “I know exactly how Drew looks at what happened. I also know that he thinks he did something wrong.”

  “Said he made you cry.”

  “I wasn't crying because… I mean, I was confused but… Jedd.” I sighed. “For a second I had him back. I wasn't crying for the reasons he thought I was.”

  “Don't you give up on him.”

  “Wasn't planning on it.” I sat on the edge of the bed heavily and looked down at my hands. “I'm not sure I'm capable of giving up on him.”

  “He loves you. We all do, you know that, but Drew loves you, Ayda. I don't do all the mushy bullshit. I don't do emotions. But that kid? You mean something to him.”

  I met his glance, something I didn't often do. “I'm not going anywhere. Listen to what I'm saying to you. I'm here for the long haul.” I held up my left hand and offered my ring finger. “I'm holding him to this promise.”

  Knowing that Drew had gone to Jedd, and thinking about it, probably Slater too, should have embarrassed me, but I was glad he was reaching out and communicating with someone, anyone, to get shit off his mind.

  I watched Jedd shuffle in his big black boots for a moment before nodding and scratching his beard in his typical understated way of showing discomfort. Jedd had said what he'd needed to, he'd heard what he wanted to hear, but there was still that sadness most of the guys were carrying around with them these days.

  “Are you doing okay?” I studied his face, waiting for a reaction to pass over his eyes while he was unguarded. I almost missed the hollow sadness as he let himself think about it because the look was only there for a second before he blinked and all of that pain was gone again.

  “I'm good. I'm alive.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

  “I'm here if you need to talk.”

  Jedd shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, making the chains on his belt rattle. “Nothing to talk about.”

  “You and I both know that's not true, but my door is always open. We're family now.”

  “I'd rather you worry about your boy.”

  “I worry about you all.”

  Jedd removed his hands from his pockets, approached me, and rested his warm hand on my shoulder. It was something I could imagine a big brother doing, and it offered some comfort.

  “If you need anything at all…”

  “Same goes for you and the guys.”

  Nodding, Jedd dropping his hand, headed to the door, and disappeared through it, leaving me more tired, confused and exhausted than I'd been before his visit.

  Chapter Eight

  DREW

  I knew the second I let her in things wouldn’t be so black, white, and red anymore. It was what had scared me the most, and now there I was, feeling tired for the first time in weeks. Exhausted, actually. Nothing had kept my mind busy all day. No amount of aggression or fantasies of death and destruction could perk me up. I was fucked. Mentally. Physically.

  Emotionally.

  Just admitting that to myself made the old me cringe deep inside the recesses of my mind. The feared Drew Tucker of old had finally turned into a bit of a pussy who recognized his inner feelings. Go figure.

  Not even the whiskey helped me that night. She was all I wanted and needed to hear. I didn’t plan on telling her where I was or what I was currently staring at as I leaned my ass against my bike, feet kicked out, shoulders relaxed, and pushed the call button over her name, bringing the phone to my ear and pressing my cheek against it.

  “Drew?” Her voice was hoarse and filled with sleep.

  “Hey,” I said roughly, practically a whisper.

  There was a short silence, followed by a rustling as she moved. “You okay?”

  I sighed, clearly feeling sorry for myself, and narrowed my eyes on the building in front of me. “No.”

  “Can I help?”

  “No. Maybe. I just like your voice.”

  There was a slight hum of satisfaction on the other end of the line as she absorbed the words. “I’m glad you called me. Do you want some company?”

  “You want the truth?”

  “I always want the truth. Even if it hurts,” Ayda trailed off into a whisper at the end.

  “And that’s my problem. Hurting you isn’t an option, so being with you is dangerous right now.” I smirked lazily, my eyes closing as I tried to make humor of the stab in my chest. “Take a look in the mirror. I’m sure my fingerprints on your body tell you that without me having to.”

  “I can handle a few bruises. Have you considered that this distance is hurting me more than your fingers on my body ever could?” She sighed, and I could almost imagine her hand running through her hair in frustration. “You didn’t hurt me.”

  “I know what I’m doing to you,” I said flatly. I saw that pain and ache in her eyes every day. “I’m just an unstable fuck. Sometimes, I… I scare the shit out of myself, Ayda.”

  “You’re grieving, but I don’t have the sense to be afraid of you. I love you too much to think any different. You want blood for Harry, and I can’t fault you for that, but Drew, don’t get caught. He went in there to make sure you didn’t. Be careful with the last gift he gave you.”

  “Sometimes your voice pisses me off, too. You know that, right?” I flared my nostrils and swallowed the guilt again.

  “I know you like the challenge.”

  “I love it,” I whispered. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too. So much.” There was a moment of silence before she inhaled. “Tate broke some kid’s nose at school today.”

  “Yeah?” My brows rose with surprise.

  “The kid said something that got under his skin. So, of course, he thought I was going to chew him out.”

  “Getting tired of telling grown men how to behave, darlin’?”

  She let out a huff of a laugh, and I could hear the smile in her voice as she answered. “I can’t stop any of you doing what you do best, but I can sure as hell nag you into being more careful about the execution of it.”

  She sounded tired. My woman sounded how I felt, and I was the selfish asshole too busy focusing on his own issues to help her with hers.

  “Maybe one day we’ll listen.” I pushed my ass off the back of the bike and stood tall, stretching my legs and rolling my neck. “You should sleep,” I told her softly.

  “I’d sleep much better with you here.”

  “No, you wouldn’t. Concerned Ayda doesn’t sleep. Concerned Ayda isn’t still. Concerned Ayda is full of worries for everyone but herself, and she’d spend all night making sure I was okay while letting herself go to shit.” I found myself smirking, imagining the look of disgust on her face, and picturing her mouthing that I’m an asshole down the phone, or some other genuinely cute insult being sent my way. “You love too much.” Me too much, I wanted to add. You love me too much.

  She huffed out another laugh, but the sound died in her throat as she pushed out her next sentence with little to no breaths at all. “Concerned Ayda sounds like a bore. Fucked Ayda would sleep the night away.”

  �
�I sure do miss that smart-ass mouth of yours.” My small smile grew as I walked around my bike and glanced up at the building in front of me again. “But trust me, the smell of alcohol and smoke on me would dirty all your sheets in all the wrong ways tonight.”

  She released the breath she’d been holding. “Maybe another night then, but if you come in and I’m still star-fished in the middle of the bed, consider it an invitation. Just make sure you come home, ‘kay?”

  “I promise.”

  “I love you, Drew Tucker.”

  I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me, tensing my jaw and working the muscles there before I looked down at the ground and spoke. “Wait for me.”

  “Forever and a day.”

  I hung up, my arm falling limp and my cell smacking my thigh as the weight of it seemed heavier than any loaded gun I’d ever held. Ayda was braver than she realized, stronger, too. I wanted nothing more than to go to her, but I also wanted to save her the pain of seeing me so fucked up. Yes, I’d warned her that grief changed me, but not even I’d known how this burning feeling in my chest would rise the second I took a breath in the morning, searing my skin until I somehow managed to close my eyes at night.

  Burn, burn, burn, the flames licked my stomach, the growl of the heat inside me being constantly fanned by air that was so weak and faint at times, yet it somehow managed to have the effects of an almighty hurricane on my need for revenge. It only took something small to make me snap. Add the guilt I felt on top of that—the fact that it should have been me in those cells, not Harry, as well as the guilt I felt for Ayda and all my brothers—and I was a fucking mess. The only one who seemed to evoke no emotions from me whatsoever was my father.

  The man who was walking toward me from the back of one of the Navs’ buildings we’d discovered.

  Eric sauntered closer, neither worry or anger showing on his face or in his controlled swagger. He looked totally calm.