Michaela's Choice

by Lisa Harris

“It’s always been one of my favorites.” Aunt Clara folded her arms across her chest and studied her.

  “Mine, too, but—”

  “Am I sensing a bit of nervousness on your part?” A grin broke out across Aunt Clara’s face. “I hadn’t expected this.”

  Michaela fell back against the bed and groaned. “I don’t know how I feel. This whole thing with Philip took me by surprise. It’s been a long time since I worried about how I looked, but for some crazy reason, I want to look just right today.”

  Aunt Clara sat beside her on the bed. “You look beautiful, and I know without a doubt Philip will agree with me.”

  “Do you remember when I first fell in love with Ethen?” Michaela sat up and straightened the collar of her dress.

  “It seemed as if the two of you had been in love forever.” A dreamy look crossed Aunt Clara’s face, and Michaela wondered if her aunt was remembering when she first fell in love with Uncle Henry. “I remember when you realized how you felt.”

  “I was eighteen years old, and suddenly I took twice as long to get dressed whenever I knew I was going to see Ethen.” Michaela faced the mirror and pulled her curls back into a large chignon, then ran her fingers through her short bangs. “He took me to a church picnic one Sunday afternoon. We had always been friends, good friends, but I hadn’t really thought beyond that. I looked at him as we sat beside the lake and knew at that moment that I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.”

  Aunt Clara shook her head slowly. “You seemed so young.”

  “But I’m not anymore. I’m thirty-two years old.” Michaela stood and faced her aunt, her hands resting against her hips. “Oh, Aunt Clara, do you think someday I might be able to love Philip the way I loved Ethen?”

  “I can’t answer that, sweetheart.” Aunt Clara wrapped her arms around Michaela and held her tight.

  “I could have Anna.” Michaela’s heart churned inwardly. “If I marry Philip, we could be a family.”

  Aunt Clara cupped her hand on the side of Michaela’s face. “I know how alone you’ve felt at times. Sometimes I wish I’d found someone else—someone to fill the lonely spot in my life. Someone to grow old with me and laugh at my jokes.”

  Michaela nodded, wishing it didn’t have to seem so complicated—or was it? “Philip is comfortable and familiar. He knows me, and we’d be happy together.”

  “It’s a choice you’re going to have to make.”

  Michaela took a step backward and looked toward the door, needing a change in the direction of the conversation. “What about Ben White from church? I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

  “Michaela!” Color rushed to Aunt Clara’s cheeks, and she quickly changed the subject. “I think Philip’s waited long enough.”

  Michaela tried not to laugh at her aunt’s reaction and followed her down the narrow staircase and into the parlor where Philip waited for her. He stood when they entered the room.

  “You look lovely.” His gaze lingered on Michaela’s face.

  Aunt Clara cleared her throat. “I made a picnic lunch. Fried chicken, baked beans, cake, and lemonade.”

  “Sounds wonderful. Thank you.” Philip picked up the food box Aunt Clara had prepared for them and turned to Michaela. “I have the buggy out front if you’re ready.”

  Michaela kissed her aunt on the cheek. “We’ll be back before dark.”

  “Enjoy yourselves,” her aunt replied.

  Michaela sat next to Philip in the buggy. Suddenly, she felt shy around him. His short, curly hair lay in dark waves across his head, and she couldn’t help noticing how handsome he looked in his white shirt and dark blue pants. She let out a soft laugh, realizing how much time the two of them must have spent getting ready.

  “All right.” He turned and looked at her, his dark brows raised in uncertainty. “What is it? My hair, my clothes? You look as though you’re about to burst.”

  “It’s not you; it’s us.” She rested her fingers across her mouth, trying to stop the erupting giggles.

  “What do you mean, it’s us?”

  “We’ve been friends for so many years, and we know just about everything there is to know about each other.”

  His brow creased. “And that’s funny?”

  “No. What’s funny is I spent two hours getting ready this morning, and I know you did the same thing.”

  A ripple of laughter broke from his lips as he nodded in agreement. “Does that mean there’s a chance for me?” A solemn grin quickly replaced his laughter. “For the two of us?”

  “Let’s give it some time.” She felt a tug of emotion pull on her. “You’ve helped me find contentment and never let me forget that someone cares about me.”

  “I’ve always cared for you, Michaela.”

  “I know, but loving someone is different.” She let her gaze wander down the street that bustled with the noise from other buggies and pedestrians. Love was a complicated issue. She turned her attention back to him, not wanting to hurt him but knowing she needed to be honest about how she felt. “I can’t say that I’m in love with you, but I do know you’ve made me very, very happy.”

  “And I intend to keep on making you happy.”

  They were silent, and she knew they both realized the possibility of a relationship had come at a difficult time. Determined to put thoughts of leaving aside, Michaela smiled as Philip shyly reached for her hand and placed it safely in his own.

  ❧

  “I love the sea.” Michaela leaned back against a rock, pulling her knees against her chest. She took a deep breath and let the salty air fill her lungs. “It’s so beautiful. Constant and yet ever changing at the same time.”

  Philip stood beside her, throwing pebbles into the tide as it rolled in a continuous motion. It was getting late. They would have to go back soon, but she didn’t want the day to end. This would be the last day she’d spend with him for months.

  “It’s been a good day, hasn’t it?” Philip took a seat beside her on the sand and stretched out his legs in front of him.

  “It’s been perfect. I can’t remember the last time I spent a whole day doing nothing but relaxing.”

  “It’s about time. Of course, it’s been quite awhile since I took a day off as well. I guess we both need to learn to enjoy the beauty God’s placed around us.”

  “What’s your excuse?” Michaela dug the toes of her boots into the sand and watched the white spray of water as the incoming tide splashed against a small outcropping of rocks along the shoreline. “I’m running away from the past. What are you running from?”

  Philip looked out across the ocean as if contemplating her question. “I don’t know. My room’s lonely at night, so I’d rather work than go home. It’s something I’ve only been able to admit recently.”

  “Why haven’t you ever married? I know I’ve tried more than once to set you up with someone.”

  Philip arched his arm backward, then threw another rock into the oncoming tide. “How could I forget? You and Ethen were always trying to get me hitched. Remember Sassy Winter?”

  Michaela laughed at the forgotten memory. “I’ll admit I was a bit out of line with her.”

  “A bit?” He nudged her gently with his shoulder. “She never quit talking during the entire dinner, and none of us could get a word in edgewise. Half of the time I didn’t even know what she was talking about. What was it she was interested in?”

  “Her father left her a rather large inheritance, and she spends it studying rare plants. From what I understand, she’s really quite knowledgeable on the subject.”

  Philip shook his head. “Well, it was beyond me. In fact, it seems that most of the women I’ve met talk incessantly. Except for you, of course. You seem to understand that the amount of conversation is not equal to the level of intelligence.”

  She smiled at the compliment, and for a moment they both sat still, listening to the rhythmic sounds of the ocean and the occasional cry of a shorebird.

  “Shall
we walk for a bit?” He helped her up from her sitting position but didn’t let go of her hand as they walked along the sand. “It isn’t that I was in love with you when Ethen was alive. You were Michaela, the girl next door who married my brother. But now I realize what it really means to love someone. I never felt this way toward anyone before. I knew God’s timing was always right and that one day I would meet someone, but little did I know that person had always been right here with me.”

  Michaela looked out across the gray-blue waters, not knowing what to say.

  “I’m sorry. I promised I wouldn’t pressure you, and the way I’m going on—”

  She squeezed his hand. “You’re not. I just have a lot to think about. You’ve always been there for me, and I don’t want to lose you first of all as a friend. Part of me wishes I wasn’t leaving for Cranton tomorrow.”

  “Don’t.” He stopped and rested his index finger against her lips to quiet her. “Don’t talk about that now. Let’s just enjoy the rest of today.”

  She closed her eyes and felt the gentle touch of his lips brush hers.

  “Michaela…” He reached forward and kissed her again. This time his hands encircled her waist. As he drew her close, she felt herself melt into his embrace. This was what she wanted. She wanted him to hold her and tell her how much she meant to him. Part of her was certain this must be a dream, but as she looked into his eyes, feeling his warm touch and the smell of fresh cedar that lingered from his work at the shop, she knew it was real.

  If only she could put the past behind her and let go of Ethen, she might be ready to love again.

  ❧

  That night Michaela picked up the Bible she kept on the small table next to her bed and set it in her lap. In the morning she would board the train for the other side of Massachusetts. It might as well be the other side of the world.

  The image of Philip seemed so real, his kiss so poignant, that she felt torn between going to help her brother and sister-in-law and staying here with Anna and Philip. Emotions swirled within her, leaving her confused. Maybe it was best that she was going away for a while. It would give her time to sort out her feelings without any distractions. She couldn’t say she loved Philip, at least not the way she had loved Ethen, but tonight when he kissed her, he’d stirred something within her that hadn’t been awakened for a long time.

  Sitting up in her bed with the thick, cream-colored quilt her mother had made over twenty years ago wrapped around her, she opened her Bible to the fourth chapter of Philippians. Pastor Simon, who had performed her wedding twelve years ago as well as the funeral for her husband and daughter, had shared with her this chapter. She’d almost worn out the page in the Bible, reading it whenever she needed encouragement. When she finished the first half of the chapter, she read the seventh verse again.

  “ ‘And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.’ ”

  “God…” She struggled with the words to begin her prayer. “I hardly know what to say. I read of Your promises for peace and strength in Your Word, but sometimes You just seem so far away. How do I find this peace that passes understanding? The peace You promise?”

  She closed her Bible and pulled the book tightly against her chest. “Sometimes I think I’m healing and getting my life back together; then I see the face of my little girl, and I don’t understand why she had to die. I want to let go of the past, but I don’t know how.

  “And Ethen…I miss him so much, God. I feel lonely without him, so lost. We had plans for the future, and now they’re all gone. Philip loves me, but I don’t know if I can open up my heart to him. I don’t know if I can let anyone inside. I know to love Philip isn’t betraying Ethen, but I still find my heart holding back. And now losing Anna…O God, give me the strength and the courage to live again. Help me to remember You are near so I might once again find peace in my life. The peace that transcends all understanding.”

  Michaela lay her Bible down next to her on the bed and closed her eyes. Had she been letting God heal her, or had she instead been holding in her pain and refusing to let go of it? She knew she could never truly love Philip or anyone else until her heart healed.

  ❧

  “Are you sure you’ll be all right?” Michaela stood at the foot of her bed and voiced her fears to Aunt Clara, concerned she’d made the wrong decision in leaving. Her trunk was already packed and sitting beside the dresser, along with the two other small bags she planned to take.

  “It’s not like you’ll be gone forever. Just until the baby is born and Emma gets back on her feet.” Aunt Clara shook her head and smiled. “Besides, there are plenty of people at church who have promised to look in on me now and then.”

  “I know; it’s just hard not to worry.”

  Her aunt cupped Michaela’s face in her hands and looked deeply into her eyes. “You may not always feel this way, but the past few months have given you a strength that often comes through adversity. You’re not going alone. God will go with you and sustain you. He has ‘engraved each of us on the palms of His hands.’ ”

  Michaela smiled and let her aunt’s paraphrase of Isaiah 49:16 comfort her spirit. “You always know what to say.”

  “I know you’re nervous, but I’ll be fine and so will you. Is everything packed now?” Her aunt took a step back and glanced around the room. “Philip should be here shortly to take you to the station. I made him promise not to be a minute late.”

  “I just need to change my clothes and make sure I haven’t forgotten anything.”

  Michaela studied her aunt, memorizing each feature. She loved her so much, from her wrinkled face that had always shown Michaela so much kindness to the white hair she wore in a neat bun at the base of her neck. She had been Michaela’s mentor, her adviser, and most of all, her friend.

  “I’m going to miss you so much, Aunt Clara.” Michaela gave the older woman an affectionate hug as she tried unsuccessfully to stop the tears. “I wish you were coming with me.”

  “So do I. I’ll miss you, but I’m too old and set in my ways, even for a trip across the state. You’ll be back before you know it.”

  Michaela looked into Aunt Clara’s eyes, praying that she would one day possess the same measure of godliness and wisdom.

  “I believe this time away will be very important for you. Philip loves you very much, and nothing will change his feelings for you between now and when you come back. I’ll go downstairs to watch for him while you finish getting ready.”

  Michaela sat on the bed and looked around the room that had been hers as a teenager and again when she moved back after the fire. It seemed silly to say good-bye to a room, but for some reason she needed to. It was a simple room filled only with a bed, armoire, dresser, and chair, along with a few things that helped give the room a homier look. If she decided to marry Philip when she came back, this room would once again be empty.

  “Philip’s here,” her aunt called from downstairs.

  Gently, Michaela closed the lid to the trunk. It was time to go.

  ❧

  “You promised you’d write me,” Philip reminded Michaela as he helped her out of the buggy once they reached the busy train station. The smell of burning coal hung in the air as passengers hurried across the platform or waited on long wooden benches for the next arrival.

  “I haven’t forgotten.”

  She was glad Philip had insisted on taking her to the station. She found herself holding on to the familiar, afraid it might change while she was away.

  “I assured your aunt I would check in on her, so don’t worry about a thing. She’ll probably outlive us all.” Philip smiled, causing her heart to skip a beat.

  She laughed. “You’re right.”

  “Six months is a long time.” Philip set the trunk on the platform and handed her the tickets.

  “The baby is due around Christmas, so if everything goes well, I’ll be back the first of next year.” She flinched at the words. It sounde
d like a lifetime away.

  “That’s forever.” Philip reached out and brushed her cheek gently with his hand. “I love you with all my heart, but I’ll wait for you as long as you need me to.”

  Michaela gazed into his eyes and knew that here was a man who loved her unconditionally—a man who wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. She prayed that someday she would be able to say the same of him.

  The conductor called out, “All aboard!” and Philip reached down gently and cupped her face in his hands. As their lips met, Michaela found herself responding to his kiss. She lifted her arms around his neck and felt his hands tighten around her waist. She longed for him to hold her forever, never letting go. Finally, she backed slowly away from him, and without another word, she boarded the train.

  Six

  Michaela woke to the sun peeking into Daniel and Emma’s second-story guest room. Soft rays of light streaked across the pale green walls that matched to perfection the handmade quilt on the bed. Crawling out from under the covers, she went and stood beside the window that overlooked the front yard. Several old trees stood tall, their twisted limbs swaying in the morning breeze. Beyond them lay pastures of grazing cattle, hillside orchards, and, eventually, the Connecticut River.

  Her first week in Cranton had passed quickly. More than happy to jump in and take over the cooking and housework, she’d found little time to dwell on her loss of Anna or even the possibility of a future with Philip. Turning away from the window, she swept her hand across the smooth top of the pine dresser. Perhaps the truth was she simply hadn’t allowed herself to imagine what her return to Boston might bring.

  Her gaze moved across the room and rested on a rocking chair and empty bassinet. She wasn’t the only one whose arms ached for the soft touch of a child. Daniel and Emma had never even been able to hold their babies. All they had left were two tiny grave markers. Someday, she prayed, this room would echo with the laughter of her brother’s children.

  Shaking off her melancholy mood, Michaela mentally went over her plans for the day. The church social was to take place today, and she was looking forward to meeting some of the people who lived in the area. She’d spent the previous day baking and planned to take two chocolate cakes and several loaves of fresh bread to the celebration.