by L. J. Stock
“You think I don’t see the way you look at me?” he asked, bending his knees and easing me back toward the bed with slow, measured steps.
The moment the back of my legs hit the edge of the mattress, I knew I was in absolute trouble. He was right, of course. I’d thought of him in this room with me, his hands roaming over my body in that assured way he had. I’d fantasized about those moments where we would head in a direction I’d never been before, and I would nod, knowing exactly what I wanted from him. My body always reacted to him like he held a switch or a form of magic that called to mine. There were parts of my body that had never awoken before and were now blooming, sending sensation after sensation through my blood before settling in the pit of my stomach, singing his name over and over again. He heated my blood until my unstable legs trembled under me.
“I…”
“I will respect anything you want. I’m not here to get laid, Miki. I would never go further than you’re willing to go, and I’m not asking for anything now. I just want to hold you, to remember, to memorize you before you push me away like you probably should.”
Pain fought the warmth that gripped me. “Why? So you can go back to your world in the morning feeling better about all of this? Do you really think that’s what I want? A taste of what I can never truly have, just so you can throw it in my face in the halls with Libby every day at school?”
“Do you honestly think that’s who I am?” he asked, sounding appalled and hurt. “Do you honestly believe I would go out of my way to hurt you?”
“Yes!” I snapped. Dustin’s face fell, and I growled at myself in frustration. I’d lied. I did know him better than that. My intuition was screaming in protest at the lie I’d just told. “No. I know it’s not who you are, but can't you see? One more moment with you will hurt, anyway. We can’t go any further than that kiss last night because we have no right to.”
I wasn’t sure I could stand losing him twice in so many nights, but there I was, pushing with all of my might and hoping that he would walk away so I could cry myself to sleep and spend the weekend wallowing in my own self-pity. I figured by Monday, I would be ready to face the world again.
Maybe.
“Then just cuddling and sleeping.”
“No, Dustin—” My head turned as smashing glass sounded from the living room. My dad’s cussing reached my room like a threat.
Dad wouldn’t notice that I had company. I wasn’t even sure he knew I was home, but the distraction gave me a chance to escape from where I was trapped between Dustin and the bed. Stepping back and onto the mattress, I watched Dustin’s hands drop to his sides in dismay.
“You have a girlfriend,” I repeated, fighting for balance in the middle of my mattress.
“Technically, I do.”
I lowered myself into the center of the bed and tucked my legs under me. The queen-sized bed became a buffer in case I needed to escape again. “No. This is not that kind of a situation. You either do, or you don’t. There’s no middle ground.”
“Then I do, but I don’t want her.”
“But you do have a girlfriend.”
“But I don’t want her. She knows that as well as you do.” Dustin rolled his eyes like I was missing the point. I tried my hardest not to laugh, but that was impossible when he looked at me and tilted his head like a curious child. Between one breath and the next, he had one knee on the edge of my bed, his large shoulders leaning over so he was closer to me than he’d been. Before I knew what I was doing, my fingers reached out to trace the beautiful square line of his jaw reverently, completely mesmerized by the feel of the brittle hair against the pads of my fingers.
Our eyes met and held, his lips curled in the same subtle way mine were, and the light in his eyes ignited with hope. When he ran his tongue over his lips and glanced down at mine, I was a hundred percent certain he was about to kiss me. I knew I had to derail that train before everything I believed in went out the window, along with my self-control.
“But you’re still with her.” My words came out in a mumble that was barely audible.
The hurt in his eyes was like a knife in my chest. I didn’t like seeing him in pain, but I was a realist, and I was the only person who was going to protect me. No one else in the world would do it. If I let him, he would take everything I had to give, and there was a huge part of me that knew he would cherish those moments, but at what cost?
“Under duress. Something she’s also aware of.” He leaned closer.
“It’s still cheating, Dustin.”
“You’re right,” he said suddenly, his eyes clearing as his small smile turned into a grin. "Give me your phone.”
“What? Why?” My response was a knee-jerk reaction, as I was pretty sure I knew why he wanted a phone.
“I’m going to break up with her. I don’t want to be with Libby, and I haven’t in a long-ass time. She doesn’t really want me, either. She wants the crown and the free ride out of this town. Fuck my dad, fuck the team, and fuck everything they’re forcing on me. I want you, and I want to make you happy, so whatever you want, it’s yours.”
“You’re insane. That’s emotional blackmail.”
“No, not when I mean what I’m saying. Things just have a little more clarity these days. I know what I want for the first time in my life, and it’s something I have conviction in. I know who I am, and I’m learning more every day. On top of all that, I like being able to be myself with you. Nothing else matters.”
“Your mom matters,” I whispered apologetically.
Dustin paused, his face stricken like I’d just slapped him. He’d explained all of this to me already. His dad had made him choose. He could live his old life, which meant football, being involved in school, and now Libby, or he could have things his way and find somewhere else to live, meaning he was no longer part of that family. The choices seemed so cruel considering what was going on in their lives, and I would never make him choose between them and me.
Except, that’s exactly what I was doing.
“She would want me to be happy,” Dustin finally said, dragging my eyes to meet his.
“That’s what I want for you, too, but I can’t go against my own morals just to make your life easier. I’m not asking you to choose between them and me. I’m asking you to let me get on with my life, and not make it harder than it has to be.”
“Well, isn’t this a catch twenty-two?”
I nodded sympathetically and watched his face fall. His eagerness to win me over had been flattering, and his insistence about wanting me had been addictive. I’d never felt as pretty as I did when he was looking at me in that way of his, but it had only been a week – an emotional and intense few days – but still only a handful of days. I would survive and so would he. Surely no one fell in love in such a short time. No one could possibly decide who the person they needed to be with was after such a short amount of time. We were both young, and we’d bounce back.
“Goodnight, Dustin.” The finality in my voice had taken everything in me to execute, but he got the picture.
Backing away from the bed, Dustin straightened and rubbed the back of his neck as he turned to face the window, his body stilling. He looked so torn, so unsure. With rigid shoulders he reached up and pulled off his ball cap roughly, staring down at it for the longest time while I held my breath.
“I love my mom, Miki.”
“Of course you do,” I said quietly, watching him closely, my heart cracking wide open. I’d been so close to escaping this without tears, but I could feel them prickle as they surfaced. “I haven’t and wouldn’t question that. Not ever.”
“Then why am I finding it so hard to walk away from you? I would never abandon her, not with what’s going on, but the thought of walking away from you is like being stabbed in the chest.”
“Dustin, you’ve only known me for a few days,” I argued reasonably, even as my heart started a frenetic beat.
“You don’t think that’s enough time to see someone�
��s soul?” he asked, his head turning so he could peer over his shoulder at me. “You don’t think that’s enough time for your future to suddenly appear with perfect clarity?"
“Maybe I just represent your freedom?” I grasped desperately.
“Nice try, but even I’m not dumb enough to buy that.”
I sighed, and made the mistake of falling back on the bed in frustration, my hands over my eyes as I dug deep for more resolve, more strength, more blatant stubbornness—anything to help me stay strong. The moment I landed, though, I heard the sigh of movement and the shuffle of his feet seconds before the heat of his gaze burned against my flesh.
I didn’t need to have my eyes open to know he was staring at me with intent. I could feel the fire in his glance burning my stomach where my shirt had ridden up, where the twist of my shorts had exposed more than I should have.
“Let me stay. One night,” he begged earnestly.
I didn’t respond verbally. I would have been too eager to agree. Instead, I rolled to my side and settled in the bed, reaching to flip off the lamp on my nightstand. My response was a non-verbal hurry up before I change my mind. In less than a second, I heard the gentle thud of his boots on the floor, and the rustle of his shirt being removed before the bed dipped.
Warm, sure arms folded around me comfortably, their strength making me snuggle in closer against my better judgment. The bristle of his unshaven jaw rubbing against my bare shoulder affectionately forced my eyes closed and my brain to snatch and store the memory as soon as it was formed.
I knew this was going to make our goodbye harder. I’d known the moment I’d seen his face outside the window that he’d get whatever he wanted from me. Dustin thought he’d seen my soul, but in my heart, I knew I’d seen his, and that made sense to me. He was a kindred spirit. Tonight was going to end badly and in heartache, but I needed to inhale what I could before I let him go and let him live the life his family wanted him to.
“You smell good,” he said, dragging his lips over the curve of my shoulder. His arm, which had been draped over my hip pulled me back against him, reiterating his point, telling me exactly what he thought about that without unnecessary words. My cheeks heated as I buried my face in my pillow. I wasn’t sure what to say or do in response.
Dustin didn’t say anything more for a while, and for that I was glad. I was so giddy, scared, and so excited that my head was spinning. As much as I could point out that he’d promised to just cuddle, we both knew we wouldn’t stay that way. The tension between us, even as we lay spooning in silence, was like gas teasing an open flame. One muscle movement and there was no denying where this embrace would go—where I wanted it to go.
When I eventually felt his thumb circling over the bare skin of my hip, my breath stopped altogether, and the room definitely spun. Dustin Hill was in my bed, and his hands were… moving.
“Dustin.” The word had supposed to come out as a warning, but came out as longing and approval, his name rolling over my tongue asking him to not stop.
When his fingers ran along the elastic of my shorts, I was certain my heart stopped beating. He leaned forward, his hand moved down inch by inch and under my underwear. I felt his breath on my ear only a second before he whispered, “Breathe.”
Inhaling seemed like a trigger and before I had a chance to exhale I was flat on my back, Dustin’s mouth against mine, rough and greedy, while his fingers ventured between my legs and eased inside of me hungrily. I gasped around his lips, my eyes flashing wide in shock… and pleasure.
I didn’t want him to stop now that he’d started. Strange sensations rode through my veins, making my heart tap dance in my chest and the trickle of sharp pain that ran through my body made me feel ravenous and alive. My chin trembled with nerves as I inhaled again. To my surprise and with very little thought, I’d accepted what was about to happen between us. I wanted all of this as long as I had it with him.
“Wait, you’ve never…?” Dustin asked, pulling back and staring at my face in wonder. His lips were swollen from our kiss, and his eyes were filled with shock and hunger. Suddenly unsure of what I’d done to let him know the truth, I met his gaze. Anxiety pushed fiery breaths from inside me, conflicting with the want and excitement that desired to tell him not to stop, and I shook my head quickly. “I didn’t know. I—”
“It’s okay.” I swallowed compulsively, meeting his eyes and gleaning as much calm as I could from them. Something passed between us. Acceptance, acknowledgment, and excitement burned between us. “I want to… with you. If… if it’s okay with you, I mean.”
Dustin pulled his hand away slowly, but rather than retreat completely, he hooked his thumb into the waist of both my shorts and underwear and eased them down my legs, humming his approval when I moved to help him. Relief flooded through me.
“The first time is gonna suck for you,” he whispered, leaning forward and kissing me as he unbuckled his belt. He only pulled back from me to work his jeans down his legs and kick them to the floor, but when he leaned away from me, I felt exposed, even in the dark. “I’m going to turn the light on, okay?”
“W-why?” I don’t know why I was suddenly stuttering with uncertainty. I’d never had a problem like that in my life, but my heart was thumping painfully in my chest. My anxiety grew at the thought of him seeing me naked.
“Because I want to see you. I want you to see me, too, so you know I would never hurt you intentionally. So I can see if what I’m doing hurts you too much, and I need to stop.”
“Okay.” Fear rose like bile in my throat, but the moment the dull glow of light filled the room, and my eyes met his, I felt myself relaxing a little. The heat had consumed my body slowly, infiltrating my veins again.
Reaching for his jeans, Dustin pulled a condom from the back pocket and took his place beside me. Lifting my tank top over my head, he discarded it before lying on his side so he could watch me with cautious eyes. I knew he had to see the fear in mine. I could feel the alarm lingering inside of me like a threat.
“We don’t have to do this. I can just hold you and be happy with that. I already told you that...”
Feeling brave, I lifted my hands and cupped his cheeks, shutting him up as I dragged in another breath of the same cool air that bathed my overheated and exposed skin. “I want this.”
“Jesus,” he said quietly, his eyes moving down my body hungrily. There was something empowering about a guy looking at you like he was starving and you were the only food for miles.
My eyes drifted closed, and I waited, jumping slightly as his fingers dusted over my skin like it was precious. He took his time in his exploration and traced lines along my arms and stomach, circling my breasts and hips before following the veins along the exposed skin of my throat. It felt like he did that for hours, taking me in with every touch, his breath falling on my flesh in heavier waves the closer he got to the tops of my thighs. Between one breath and the next, his touch was gone, but the unmistakable crinkle of the wrapper and the bounce of the bed alluded to the why. When he settled between my legs and pushed them farther apart, my breath became shallow enough for him to notice.
“Look at me, Miki.”
I stubbornly kept my eyes closed, but from his quiet chuckle, he’d noticed my impertinent grin. I was stuck between two emotions, treading water with everything I had. I wanted this, I wanted him, but I was terrified.
“Look at me,” he insisted, his body rocking against mine so his hardness pressed against the crease of my thigh. My eyes flashed open in surprise. “There you are.”
Heat pooled between my legs, my stomach flipping so tightness gathered like an impending storm on the horizon. My body was completely out of my control now, and I wondered if he was the one in the driver’s seat.
“Keep looking at me, okay?”
I nodded slowly, aware of every move he made. With a hand slipping between our bodies, I tried to breathe normally, failing miserably as a stuttered gasp fell from my lips instead. Dustin didn’t
attempt to say anything more, but his eyes locked on mine, the blue reassuring as he widened them in encouragement; then he was right there, the blunt head of him pushing against my body and slipping inside. Even not knowing what I was doing, I understood he was going slowly enough to help me adjust, but the pure pleasure that lit the wondrous blue of his eyes made my stomach coil tighter. He held us there, his breath rising and falling, stuttering from him with small grunts.
“Dustin?”
My voice was like a green light for him. His hips rocked forward, and for a second there was pleasure, then there was pressure, which was followed by a fire that stole a gasp from me. The immense pain shot through my system like lava. My hands pushed at his shoulders as tears formed and slid down and into my hair. I felt so claustrophobic and full, the intrusion of his body inside mine a shock. This three-second reaction felt as though it lasted a lifetime, and Dustin held me tightly as I struggled, his lips brushing against my skin and whispering quietly as he tried not to move.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
As my breaths evened out, the pain receded. I still felt oddly full and sore, but the ache was giving way to something else. Something that wasn’t entirely bad. I wiggled my hips experimentally, grinning when Dustin pushed up on his elbows to look at me. There was no going back now, I didn’t know much about sex, but I knew I wasn’t a virgin anymore.
“Are you…?”
I nodded. I was fine.
“I have to…”
Move. I understood what he was saying and nodded again with a small smile. I slid my hands up from his shoulders, my fingers tangling in his hair as I pulled him in for a kiss.
Dustin started slowly, moving cautiously as one of his hands gripped my thigh and pulled it up over his hip. The new angle changed everything, and the feeling of our bodies’ constant motion shifted into something, sending shocks of warmth through my veins that landed in the deepest parts of my belly like a warm summer’s day. My other leg bent, my heel pushing against the bed as though it was an instinct to invite him deeper.