by Pentabu
S: What’s a tsundere?
………
… Don’t just sidestep me like that, S-kun.
Don’t you realize the spot you sidestepped onto is a land mine?
Are you sure about this? Do you really want that?
Well, there’s no stopping at this point.
My girlfriend didn’t come equipped with brakes.
Y-KO: Well, you see, a tsundere is .
Oh dear. Y-ko-san looks so happy about this.
Please, just stop yourself before they get totally freaked out.
Y-KO: It’s a person who normally acts all touchy and angry around someone.
But then when they’re alone together, she gets all sappy and lovey-dovey.
Just like **!
Right there! Stop right there!
But alas, what did wishes ever accomplish?
I’ve got to stop her… with action!!
Give me your strength, fried chicken—
ME: Whoa! This fried chicken is like—
**: What? Am I really like that? A tsundere, huh? I don’t really get it…
Who’s an example of one?
Don’t just sidestep me like that, **.
Don’t you realize the spot you sidestepped onto is terrible, uncharted wilderness?
Are you sure about this? Do you really want that?
Well, there’s no stopping at this point.
My girlfriend’s got the pedal to the metal.
And here she comes.
Y-KO: Well, for example, Asuka from Eva, right?
And Kaoru from Rurouni Kenshin, too, I guess.
Usagi Tsukino from Sailor Moon, too.
Oh, but—also—[omitted]—!!
… and—plus—like that. Get it?
… No, I don’t get it.
S and ** sat there in stunned silence.
I don’t know what to say. Other than that I’m sorry.
I’m sorry you had to get riddled with otaku terminology like machine-gun rounds.
ME: Um… well… Sh-she’s pretty drunk right now, you know!
She’s not usually like this—okay, never mind, she is,
but she usually hides it better in front of other people!
So… so…
Please, let me pick up the check. I insist.
To buy your silence.
Regional dialects are the new big thing.
2005/11/21 09:37
Good morning.
Almost done with November, the month of bustling around for the school festival.
I looked around and saw a whole lot of different clubs’ presentations…
And I can see that the maid fad is booming this year.
When I saw a high school girl at a college festival screaming
“Moeee!”
and I found that very sight to be very “moe” myself… Yes, the end must be near.
… Let’s change the topic.
I just can’t keep up with teenage girls these days.
Apparently, regional dialects are the big thing lately.
Give back all the effort I spent desperately trying to correct my accent after I moved to Tokyo.
Three years.
If only the dialect fad had come three years earlier!!
I would have been a hero with the ladies!!
… Let’s try to settle down, me.
Now, about my fujoshi Y-ko.
She has the meaningless ability to read a manga
and completely master a character’s way of speaking.
For example, Love Com, which features a ton of really thick Kansai Japanese.
When she picks up the book, my goodness.
In no time at all…
we have an imposter Kansaian in the house.
ME: Okay, the food’s ready.
Y-KO: Whaddaya mean?!
ME: …
… At least wait until I say something stupid to lay the smack down.
ME: Want the soy sauce?
Y-KO: Whaddaya mean?!
ME: …
… Well, excuse me for thinking you might want some soy sauce with your eggs.
ME: Oh—
Y-KO: Whaddaya mean?!
Not only did I not set up a joke for her, I haven’t even said anything yet.
… Since I started to feel sorry for her constant attempts,
I decided to be nice for a change and lob her an easy slow ball.
I finished eating my meal and set down my chopsticks.
ME: Let’s eat.
And then with a grin on her face like about time! my girlfriend turned to me and said…
Y-KO: … Huh? What are you talking about?
………
……
…
—Whaddaya mean?
Fushigi Yûgi.
2005/11/23 03:21
Are you familiar with the shjo manga called Fushigi Yûgi?
It’s over a decade old at this point but still very popular.
I doubt that there’s a woman from my generation who hasn’t heard of it.
Now, I’ve got something I want you to hear about this…
The other day, when I returned home after being out,
I found a large pile of something stacked in my apartment.
Fushigi Yûgi Genbu Kaiden.
Well, well.
It’s a shjo manga
as evidenced by the flowery, fantastic cover art.
Now, if one of my friends was to come over to hang out
and see these objects, it would be a life crisis of various sorts,
so I decided to have their rightful owner, Y-ko, come and retrieve them at once.
Me:. Um, will you come take these home?
Y-KO: Huh? What, those? No way.
Oh, you don’t want to take them… Huh?
ME: Uh, did I just hear you say “no way”?
Y-KO: Yeah, no way. Leave them here.
ME: … Uh, well. Gosh. It’s kind of a problem.
Y-KO: No, it’ll be totally fine. You’re fine, you’re fine.
ME: It must be an incredibly fine reason for you to repeat that three times.
Y-KO: I mean, the main character is a futanari.
ME: Oh, cool. Well, in that case—
Well, in that case… Since it’s just a futanari… Uh…
That is not fine at all!!
ME: No, that is definitely not fine!
Y-KO: What? Why not? It just means she’s a hermaphrodite.
ME: But if any of my friends come over and see that, they’ll be totally freaked out!!
Y-KO: Hmm, actually, I’m not really sure if you’d call the main character a futanari after all.
It’s a bit more subtle…
ME: I don’t care if it’s subtle or not, don’t just ignore my side of the conversation!!
A conversation is like playing catch—you have to aim and toss at the other person’s glove!
This is a problem that could completely erode the friendships I have built in my life!
Perhaps my desperate pleas broke through, because she finally gave a sigh of acceptance.
Finally, she began to reveal the truth…
Y-KO: Okay, fine. You’ve seen the covers for this manga. They’re like, really shjo-y, right?
ME: Uh, yeah. That much pink is like poison for guys. What about it?
She looked at me like You still don’t get it? and said—
Y-KO: I just think it’s kind of weird to have that lying around a twentysomething woman’s room, you know?
…
Oh yes. Yes, I do understand.
I understand this very well.
ME: Okay. I see what you’re saying. But—
Using that logic,
leaving them in a twenty-something man’s room…
is many times worse.
Okay, so I admit… Personally, I was a fan of Tasuki from the original series.
And I very nearly cried at the scene where Nuriko dies…
Yes,
this is a secret I keep from all my friends.
It’s not something I’d bring up out of the blue.
Drunken otaku, fujoshi Y-ko.
2005/11/25 16:37
Well, it pains me somewhat to say this,
especially when my blog is in the top rankings for the category of anime and manga, but…
I basically don’t watch anime.
The only series I’ve ever watched in its entirety is Mobile Suit Gundam SEED.
Even Mobile Suit Gundam SEED Destiny, of which I am supposed to be writing a novel, I’ve only seen about half of.
Also, maybe some parts of Mobile Suit Gundam Wing…
Oh, but I also watched Slam Dunk and Dragon Ball!! (I’m pretty sure.)
I’m not really good at being in the same place at the same time every week for a year.
…… Ow! I’m sorry! Stop throwing rocks at me, please!!
I am writing a novel, which makes me technically an otaku when it comes to Gundam SEED!!
So…
I don’t watch anime,
but I have this anime otaku girlfriend.
We were drinking at home.
Y-KO: Hey, what’s your favorite Gundam?
ME: Um, SEED, I guess.
Y-KO: What? I thought that guys were supposed to love the UC* series.
*UC: All the works that take place in the Universal Century between Mobile Suit Gundam and Mobile Suit Victory Gundam. SEED belongs in the CE (Cosmic Era).
ME: Um, sorry. The oldest one I’ve ever seen is Wing.
Y-KO: Are you kidding?! If you’re into Gundam, you should be all about Amuro!!
ME: … I don’t even know what you mean by UC. I basically don’t watch anime…
The only other shows I’ve watched like that are Slam Dunk and Dragon Ball.
Y-KO: You know what? You’re really wasting your life.
Open your eyes! Wake up and feel the moe of Roy x Ed!!
ME: Roy x Ed?
Y-KO: It’s a wonderful pairing from Hagaren. (* Hagaren: Fullmetal Alchemist)
And she giggled, “fu-fu-fu-fu-fu.”
My brain was busy translating each fu into the fu from fujoshi.
… It’s a land mine.
It has to be a land mine.
In fact, you’re the one who needs to wake up.
I can’t keep this conversation going.
I have to ignore it. Play it off.
Be cool. Pretend to be cool here, me—
ME: —Oh, yes. Hagaren is very good, isn’t it.
Y-KO: Isn’t it? Isn’t it? So why don’t you watch anime?
ME: I’m not good at watching shows every week for an entire year…
That’s why I don’t watch drama shows either, you know.
If I can’t handle a three-month seasonal show, how will I do it for a year?
Y-KO: No… Say it ain’t so, Bernie…
ME: Huh? Did you call me Bunny?… Like a rabbit?
Crunch!! (sound effect)
ME: Aagh… Huh? Huh?
Y-KO: A-a-a-a-apologize!!
Apologize to the gunota all over the world, right now!!
(*Gunota: Gundam otaku.)
Oh, er… I’m sorry…?
But softly or not…
you probably shouldn’t be punching a man in the face.
No more alcohol for you.
*Mobile Suit Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket, Episode 5, “Say It Ain’t So, Bernie!”
Twelve Kingdoms.
2005/11/27 15:44
I don’t watch anime and I don’t really read manga,
but I do read a lot of books.
Nonfiction, novels, essays—
I don’t think I can count the number of books I’ve read.
And one of my favorites in this category
is the entire Twelve Kingdoms series of novels.
It’s quite a well-known series with anime and game adaptations left and right.
The setting is intricately detailed,
and the plot carefully but surely draws the reader in!
It’s a masterpiece, and there’s no two ways about it.
Now then, my girlfriend, Y-ko the fujoshi,
has a rather bourgeois (?) habit of
spending two hours in the bath on her days off, reading.
With the soap and all that in the water.
Apparently, it makes her skin smooth.
Normally, she reads things like fashion magazines,
so on this particular day I was preparing breakfast like normal.
However, this particular day was not like normal.
As I made eggs sunny-side up, I heard a shout from Y-ko in the bath.
Y-KO: Hey, come here!
I figured she was out of shampoo or something, and when I went into the bathroom,
I saw Y-ko half-submerged in the bath—
reading my copy of Twelve Kingdoms.
ME: Wh-wh-wh-what are you doing?!
Y-KO: Hmm? I’m taking a bath.
ME: I can see that! I want to know what you’re doing with Twelve Kingdoms!
Y-KO: Oh, I’m borrowing it.
ME: Aren’t you worried about moisture if you read it in the bath?!
Y-KO: … Eww, you nasty boy.
ME: That’s not what I mean!!
Y-KO: Anyways, look!
Y-ko points at a particular page.
Her finger lay next to a particular word.
ME: What about it?
Y-KO: How do you pronounce that?
ME: … It’s gyoukou.
Y-KO: What does it mean?
ME: Godsend or windfall. Something fortunate.
Y-KO: Also, do you smell something burning?
ME: …… Huh?…… Aaah! My eggs!!
I ran out of the bathroom in a panic.
I could hear Y-ko’s voice echoing after me.
Y-KO: Oh, and I’m thirsty, so make me some iced cocoa!
—I can feel the rage building.
And even after that…
Y-KO: Hey, I can’t read this word!!
ME: Yes, dear. Coming, dear.
Y-KO: Hey, I’m thirsty!!
ME: Yes, dear. Almost ready, dear.
Y-KO: Hey, I think the best pairing is Gyousou x Taiki,* you know?
ME: Yes, yes, WHAT?!
*Gyousou x Taiki: A pairing of two Twelve Kingdoms characters, the apparently “seme” Gyousou and “uke” Taiki. Naturally (?), they’re both males.
—Don’t call me in for that!!
As I sat watching TV and feeling particularly exhausted,
I heard a shriek from the bath.
Y-KO: Blaargh!!
W-what’s that? What happened?!
Is it Nodame?! Is it Nodame Cantabile?!
Perhaps something black and scuttling, with the initial R?!
I grabbed my bottle of roach-killing suds and rushed to the bathroom!!
Baaaaang!! (The sound of the door slamming open)
ME: Wh-wh-wh-what’s wrong?!
I saw a shocked-looking Y-ko, her hair drenched.
Y-KO: Okay, so, um, the water was getting cold, right? I wanted to put more hot water back in, right? When I turned it back on, it was set on the showerhead!
And it was so cold, I got startled, and…
Her words trailed off, and she beckoned me closer.
She seemed to want me to look down into the tub.
What could it be? As I peered down into the water, I saw—
my copy of Twelve Kingdoms, completely submerged.
… Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry… just a bit.
Butler café.
2005/11/29 02:31
So, maid cafés are all the rage these days.
They’re being featured in the news and TV shows all the time.
It seems like the rest of society is ready to welcome their existence.
But for some reason, it seems that my girlfriend has a problem with them.
Y-KO: It’s not fair that on
ly the maids get all the attention.
ME: … Pardon?
Y-KO: I mean, don’t get me wrong! They’re sexy! They’re moe! I want to rip their clothes off!
And I want to touch them!!
ME: Um, please don’t do that. Settle down before you start disturbing the peace…
Y-KO: Oh, but wait! It’s not that moe if you take all their clothes off! What should we do?!
Make them half-naked? Is that the answer?!
ME: I don’t know! And don’t include me in your weirdo fantasies!
So, uh, what exactly is your point?
Y-KO: Well, I mean, guys are the only ones who can enjoy maid cafés!
ME: But you just said you liked them…
Y-KO: Guys might like undressing the maids and touching them all over, but—!
ME: What kind of maid café allows you to do that?! It would be illegal!
Y-KO: And sure, I’d probably have a lot of fun undressing and touching them, too, but—
ME: Are you just ignoring me? And you’re admitting that you would enjoy it, too!
Where am I supposed to fit in this conversation?!
Y-KO: But enough of the jokes.
ME: What?! Is this for real?! You’re only joking?!
Y-KO: Would you settle down? You’re getting awfully excited about these maids.
ME: What is your problem? Are you picking a fight with me? You are, aren’t you?
What’s with this shabby treatment?
I’m getting a bit depressed…
Y-KO: So, guys are supposed to go crazy with moe lust at maid cafés, right?
ME: They go crazy?
Y-KO: They do. But what about the girls?
Why not have butler cafés for them?
… Um,
I don’t know why you’re asking me.
Y-KO: Yes! Butler cafés! With refined and old-fashioned decorations!
Ah. (Inner monologue)
Y-KO: The moment you open the door, it’s a lengthy line of butlers!!
I’ll pass, thanks. (Inner monologue)
Y-KO: And in unison, they say, “Welcome home, young mistress”!!
You’re not much of a “young” mistress anymore. (Inner monologue)
Y-KO: Not to mention, all the bases are covered. From Shota to Sebastian!!