Letting Go

by Charity Jackson

  My thirties were looming and what did I have to show for it? I started to reflect on my life and why I was here. I had left home nine years earlier, had received my degree and started a business. There were brief bumps in the road over the years but I had done okay. I had a few people I considered friends, but no one that really knew me. I didn't have that person, the one you could go to with anything, who would listen without judging, who would offer advice and sincerely want the best outcome.

  I had a couple serious relationships over the years, ones I learned from but not ones that led to a future. Looking back I can honestly say that my heart was never fully in those relationships. They were kind women and with both of them I had given what I could at the time, but those relationships ended because there wasn't a future and we both knew it. Until I could give all of me, my relationships would be doomed.

  This was before everything fell apart with Bobby. Since then I hadn't even bothered to try. If my heart wasn't in it before it surely wasn't in it now.

  Facing my future I knew that coming here was to gain a forgiveness I needed in order to move on. I had stopped dating, stopped enjoying life, stopped breathing it seemed two years ago. I was determined to start living again. To do that I needed to know that Cyan was living again, that she would absolve me of the guilt I was carrying. How was it fair that I should ask this of her though?

  This was the question that determined my future.

  Chapter 10 – Cyan

  I wished I had thought to ask Ryder where he was staying or to ask for his phone number. But seriously, how forward would that be? Before Ian and I had gotten together I had dated a couple guys in college, but I was more serious about my studies than I was about the guys I met. Being forward, especially with a guy as gorgeous as Ryder, wasn't something I would normally do.

  But hey, I was starting over right?

  I had the day off and was happy to be getting out of the house. Normally I would have enjoyed the solitude. For the last couple years I had cut myself off from almost everyone, especially back home. Now that I had a taste of awakening, the trickles of warmth had awoken something in me that was desperate to get out. Like new buds on the trees in spring I felt like I was slowly coming to life.

  My outdoor adventures typically involved my camera. I could easily snap hundreds of photos in just a few hours and then eagerly spend another few hours editing them at my computer.

  Up the road from the gallery was a rocky stretch of beach with tide pools and sandy beaches littered with tiny shells. Families would go to play in the sand, to catch hermit crabs and wade in the shallow areas looking for sea shells.

  The fishermen liked to climb out to the rocky points and fish off the end while sea otters and seals floated in the kelp. The seagulls were brazen, hopping around the rocks behind the fishermen trying to steal their bait.

  Just off this popular stretch of beach was a large area of land that jutted out into the ocean. During high tide the water formed around the land creating an island. The water got fairly deep during high tide and the currents flowing around the land were strong. When the tide was low you could walk right across the rocks and wet sand to the land on the other side. Between low and high tide the water would come in at different depths. Depending on how brave you were and how little you minded getting wet, you could wade across the space too. Since I always had my camera gear and didn't want to get it wet I would schedule my hikes on the island during low tide.

  It was only a mile or so up the road but I had my camera gear and a small cooler with drinks so I chose to drive. Ian's family had insisted that I keep his Jeep after he passed away. I didn't have a vehicle at the time and I had spent so many good times on road trips with Ian in this Jeep that I had accepted gratefully.

  For a long time I had wept nearly every time I got behind the wheel. His cologne had lingered, the scent purely Ian. I felt close to him in that car. Sitting where he had sat, resting my hands on the wheel he had touched. An opened pack of sunflower seeds still sat in the glove box. He would snack on them on long road trips to stay alert. I couldn't bear to remove them.,

  I had taken the tan rag top off the bright red Jeep yesterday anticipating the good weather predicted for my day off. It had been three days since Ryder had jogged by the gallery in the pouring rain. I found myself thinking of him often remembering every little detail about his eyes, his hair, his body, but also the things he said during our long talk and the things he didn't say out loud but had communicated with the sadness in his eyes.

  Since that day, every time the little bells on the front door had jingled my eyes would dart to the front of the store. Every time I was disappointed that it wasn't him.

  For all I knew he had already left. He had mentioned he was visiting the area but he never said how long. The idea of him being gone already made me pause and take a deep breath. I barely knew the guy but I wanted to know so much more about him. There was something about a man that seemed to be struggling under a burden that I just wanted to reach out to. There was something about a man that could stir something in my previously cold soul that was worth pursuing too. He had earned a place in my thoughts.

  I held onto this glimpse of a happy future fervently. It really didn't have anything to do with Ryder either. I wasn't delusional in thinking my happiness depended on some man I had just met. But the promise of a happiness I didn't know I could experience again was like taking a much needed breath.

  Wanting to capture the perfect lighting of early morning in my photos I hopped behind the wheel. I zipped my sweatshirt up to my neck after pulling my hair into a low ponytail. It was pretty cool out this early in the morning but the crisp air and rising sun made me feel alive.

  Normally I took a short cut to the rocks, cutting through the mixed residential and commercial areas up the hill. Since it was still early and the tourist traffic wouldn't be heavy yet I turned down toward the ocean to drive along the coast. It didn't matter how many times I drove this coastline, the views made me catch my breath every time.

  On clear days you could see all the way across the bay to the double towers at the power plant in Moss Landing. On exceptionally clear days you could even catch glimpses of Santa Cruz . Usually it was the sun shining off of windows directly across the bay that would catch your eye.

  On the days that I would catch sight of a pod of dolphins or even whales moving through the waters made me excited to be a photographer. I had snapped so many photos of these amazing creatures. I felt blessed to live in such a beautiful area.

  I saw him as soon as I turned onto the winding road that ran along the ocean. The jogging trails were still pretty empty, just a few people had ventured out to walk their dogs or get in their early morning run.

  He had on the same jogging pants as the other day, the white stripe down the side of the dark blue pants had caught my attention. He wore a t-shirt, stretched tight across his back. It wasn't the hot pink shirt he wore when he left the gallery after our afternoon together, but the plain white t-shirt looked good too. Ear buds were pushed into his ears and I followed the white cord down to the iPod that must have been tucked into his pocket. He was jogging in the direction I was going so he hadn't seen me, creeping up behind him.

  My heart stuttered. Should I stop and talk to him, keep driving by, honk my horn? All these thoughts flashed through my brain in a couple seconds. I have to say that in my minds eye none of these options looked particularly attractive. More stalker meets crazy loon, less beautiful yet mysterious woman. I had slowed down but I was still approaching him quickly and I needed to make a decision.

  Pulling ahead of him so he would be able to see me I parked the Jeep along the wooden rail at the edge of the road. The jogging path ran between the road and ocean so he would have to run right by me. Kind of forcing his hand I realized but it was too late now.

  I turned in my seat to see if he had noticed me. I was surprised to see that he had stopped. His hands were on his hips, his eyes squinted at me and he wa
s breathing deep trying to catch his breath. His dark blond hair looked lighter in the morning sun, my eyes drawn to it as he ran his hand through it.

  I worried that I should have kept driving. That he would think I was stalking him. Geez, when had I got so brave that I pulled over to pick up random guys on the side of the road. Okay, he wasn't so random, but still. Feeling like an idiot for staring at him I started to turn back in my chair, determined to drive away and hide on my little island until my embarrassment had faded. And then he grinned.

  I grinned back like a total fool. Because that's what I felt like, but hey, my boldness was paying off as he walked toward me. I watched him pull the ear buds out of his ears and my eyes followed them down as he tucked them into his pocket. With as much restraint as I could possibly muster I forced my eyes back to his.

  “Hey,” He said walking up to the passenger side, leaning through, resting his arms on the door. “Where are you headed?”

  Dropping back down in my seat, facing the passenger window, I tried to wipe the goofy grin off my face long enough to answer him. “I'm going out to take photos at my favorite spot in Pacific Grove.” Before I could lose my nerve I heard myself ask, “Do you want to come along?”

  He hesitated just a brief second, but it was enough to make my confidence waiver. “You don't have to, I just thought you might enjoy the scenery.” I hurried to add.

  Opening the door he hopped in. “Sounds good.” Looking at me sideways he started to say something but stopped himself. After a pause he continued. “Should be fun. I was ready to stop running anyway.” He smiled and I did too. I seemed to do that a lot around him.

  Chapter 11 – Ryder

  I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the red Jeep pull to the side of the road and saw her turn in her chair and look back at me. I had been thinking about her while I ran. More accurately I had been thinking about her constantly since I had last seen her.

  Stopping and putting my hands on my hips I tried to control my breathing, slowing my rapid heart beat from the last few miles I had jogged. I realized I was just staring at her and saw her slight smile falter. Quickly I grinned at her. It was a natural reaction to go from stunned to see her to excited to see her. My grin was the exclamation point to the statement my heart was trying to make to my head.

  My entire plan for the day, or lack thereof, completely changed as I jumped into the passenger seat. I had been battling myself the last few days over whether I should just leave Cyan alone or if I should continue with my plan. The decision had been made for me and I took it as a positive sign.

  The sky was slowly brightening with the rising sun. The waves reflected the lightening blue of the sky making the morning feel magical.

  I watched a group of surfers as we drove by, chuckling as one wiped out and his board shot straight up in the air. That was something I wanted to try someday. The surfing part, not the wiping out.

  Cyan and I drove the short distance in silence as the rushing wind made conversation difficult. The silence didn't feel uncomfortable though and I fought the urge to touch her hand resting on her armrest closest to me.

  The tires crunched onto the rocky sand as Cyan pulled off the road and into a turnout along a long stretch of beach. I stared out at a large rock formation in the distance as a huge wave crashed against it spraying water a hundred feet in the air.

  “Isn't it beautiful here?” Cyan said, her voice low and her green eyes lighting up. She was leaning forward slightly looking through the windshield.

  Having looked back at her when she spoke I found it hard to turn from her beauty to look back over the beauty of the landscape. A seagull landed on the fence post next to the Jeep eyeballing me before taking off, swooping over the beach and landing on another large rock formation along the waters edge.

  I didn't think she was expecting a reply as what she said was more of a statement than a question but looking back at her and staring her in the eye I said, “I agree, it's absolutely beautiful.” Watching her just a second too long I gave her a small smile and stepped out of the Jeep.

  She met me at the back of the Jeep taking out a backpack and slipping it on her back. “So where are we headed?” I asked curiously.

  Cyan explained the tides and access to the land as we headed down the slight incline and across the beach. Although it was close to low tide the rocks were still slick underfoot and we took our time crossing. Cyan seemed to know right where to step and after slipping a couple times I started following her lead. It was a good excuse to watch her closely anyway.

  “Wow, this is amazing.” I said, standing on top of the large hill we had just climbed. The edges of the land were piled with large boulders and we had carefully climbed over them to reach the top of the hill. The exercise warmed me up and I felt alive. The sun was still low on the horizon turning the sky shades of orange and pink. The moon was still visible in the darker sky behind us.

  I turned as I heard Cyan's camera clicking away. Stepping toward a flat rock I sat facing her, watching as she squatted down, holding the camera at an angle. I wasn't sure what she was taking a picture of but I wish I had a camera too so that I could capture her beauty. The gorgeous scenery had nothing on her.

  The land jutted out a lot further than it appeared from shore and we climbed and descended hill after hill. Cyan stopped and pointed out tide pools full of hermit crabs and sea shells. Some areas had thousands of shells, many were crushed or broken, but when one of us would find a pretty one that was in good condition Cyan would drop it in a pocket on her backpack.

  Finding a large piece of blue sea glass I held it out to Cyan to inspect. She practically squealed.

  “That's a rare find. You don't see a lot of blue sea glass,” she said smiling up at me. “Especially pieces this big. The edges are smoothed really well too.” She seemed delighted as she inspected it before she dropped it into her backpack with our other finds.

  She was so unlike other woman I had been around. She seemed to fully enjoy the moment she was in. Whether it was taking pictures, picking up sea shells or bringing a complete stranger in out of the rain, she did it with enthusiasm and a brightness that I was drawn too. It was like I had been stumbling around in the dark and as soon as I saw her light all I could do was go toward it, basking in her glow.

  Cyan seemed extremely familiar with the terrain and I understood why this land was so special to her. It was like a whole other world out here. I paused looking up as a flock of pelicans flew over. It was a large group and they moved silently in formation over us. They flew so low I felt like I could jump up and touch the bottom of their brown bellies.

  On one of the rock formations we found a seal and her pup resting on the rocks. I had never seen seals so close up. Each hill and each valley brought something new to explore, and photograph, in Cyan's case.

  Climbing up another rock formation the rocks were slick and Cyan slipped, her back pressing against my chest. Grabbing her waist with one hand and the rocks with the other to steady us both I felt my heart start to race.

  “I'm so sorry!” She pulled herself up as I gently pushed her forward. Turning toward me I could tell she was embarrassed. “I should probably mention my clumsy tendencies!”

  Her face was less than a foot from mine and all I had to do was lean forward just slightly. Dropping my eyes from hers, lingering on her parted lips just a second, I tried to smile as I lightly blew out the breath I was holding. “Glad I was here for you.” My eyes darted back up as I thought that might have sounded a little too personal. “I wouldn't want you rolling back down the hill.” I quickly added with a smile.

  She wrinkled her nose at me, her eyes laughing. Her eyes lingered just a little too long on mine and I couldn't help but grin. I haven't felt like an awkward teenager in a really long time, but this girl sure brought it out of me.

  Reaching the top of the rocks I started to laugh as I saw Cyan drop to her knees and start crawling across the top of the grassy hill. Looking behind her she shushed me
with a finger to her smiling lips and motioned me forward. Taking her lead I crouched low and laid on my stomach beside her.

  She was already setting up her shot, her camera up to her eye, her elbows supporting her, holding the camera still. In the small valley just below us was a beautiful white crane. It was stepping very slowly through a large tide pool. The rising sun cast it's reflection below it. The combination of the silver water, the white crane and the vibrant hues of the blue and pink sky was really breathtaking.

  I hadn't slowed down to appreciate things like this. The last decade had been spent trying to prove something to myself and my family. The last couple years were filled with guilt and sadness. Lying on my stomach, next to a beautiful woman on a deserted island with waves crashing in the distance was about as perfect as I could imagine.

  I had learned over the last hour or so that Cyan took her time setting up and taking her photos. When she was ready she took a lot of shots. We had talked as we explored but she would fall silent as she spied something she wanted to shoot.

  I didn't mind these lulls at all and she had made sure I wasn't growing bored. It was the opposite, I hadn't felt more alive in ages. I laid my head down, resting my chin on my arms crossed in front of me, my legs sticking out behind me. Cyan was still lying next to me, her camera trained on the crane fishing in the water below us.

  I closed my eyes as the rising sun warmed my neck and shoulders. The last few days had been draining as I dealt with so many conflicting emotions. Apprehension at approaching Cyan, joy at finding her happy, confusion at my feelings toward her and dread at the conversation I needed to have with her.

  “Wake up sleepy head” I heard in my ear. I felt her warm breath against my cheek and felt less embarrassed about having fallen asleep than about the thoughts that were swimming through my head at the knowledge of how close she was to me.