Letting Go

by Charity Jackson

  Lifting my head from my arms I saw that the crane was gone. “How long have I been sleeping?” I asked, sitting up, stretching and turning toward Cyan. She was sitting cross legged next to me flipping through the photos on her camera, squinting at the small window.

  She had a shy smile on her face when she answered, “Not long, about twenty minutes or so. I figured I would let you get a little power nap in. You obviously needed the rest. I feel bad for dragging you all over these rocks. Letting you take a nap was the least I could do.” Her shy smile had become bolder as she talked.

  “Geez, I hope I didn't snore.” I joked. “I didn't realize I was so tired.”

  “Are you ready to head back? The tide will take awhile to get back to where it's not passable, but it's back on the upswing and I hate to lose track of time and be stuck out here,” She said, standing and gathering her bag.

  “I'm ready whenever you are. It's still early and I'm starving. Would you like to grab some breakfast?” I asked her, following her lead and pulling myself up.

  It wasn't really a date, just a couple people eating breakfast. But with how my heart was pounding it felt like I had just asked her out and I held my breath to see how she would respond.

  She looked indecisive and I was afraid of what was running through her head. I know she didn't know who I really was or there was no way she would be out here with me alone. This thought made me sad as I reflected that there would most likely be a time, very soon, that she wouldn't want to be near me. I prayed that this time I spent getting to know her would help in the future, not feel like a further betrayal.

  “I could definitely eat,” She said a determined look on her face. “I know the perfect place in Moss Landing, but it's about a twenty minute drive. Are you in any hurry?”

  “Nope, I'm all yours.” I swear my face started burning as I thought again how that might have sounded. “I mean, I don't have any plans so there's no hurry. Just let me know when you're sick of me and you can kick me to the curb.” My reversion back to an awkward teen earned me another wrinkled nose and a smile, so it was totally worth the embarrassment.

  Chapter 12 – Cyan

  He was seriously adorable. How could a guy as gorgeous as Ryder Marshall get all flustered around a girl like me? Our conversation was easy but he didn't say much about his past. I wasn't one to pry and to be fair, I hadn't said anything about Ian either. I didn't want that time period to define me. I was moving forward with my life and this time I was spending with Ryder felt like part of that awakening process.

  “How could you let me eat so much?” Ryder teased, his hands pressed to his flat stomach. “That omelet was by far the best one I have ever had.”

  “Everything they make is amazing. They give you so much food, sometimes I don't stop and I'm as miserable as you are right now.” I had to smirk at him as I put my small container of leftovers into my cooler. “I can't believe you ate every bite,” I said laughing at the look on his face.

  “I would chase you down and wipe that smile off your face if I could move.” Ryder said. He was laughing but he looked completely miserable.

  “Okay, best way to undo the damage of over eating is to get a little exercise. Have you ever kayaked before?” I said, looking at him seriously. I was curious how many new things he's tried. His past seemed a little serious, a lot of working and studying.

  “I can't say I have.” He said slowly. “I'm game though. There isn't much that I have tried. Another adventure sounds like fun.”

  “There's a perfect place just up the road to rent kayaks. Where I'll take you is called Elkhourn Slough.” He seemed interested so I continued. “It's an estuary where freshwater flows in from rivers meeting the ocean. The tides do come in but the area is protected from the waves so the water is much calmer than on the ocean and you can see a lot of wildlife up close.” I was so excited he was open to trying this. I hadn't shared my love of the water in a long time. Since Ian in fact. I waited for the crushing wave of sadness that I was so used to feeling, but it never came.

  “You okay?” Ryder asked a look of concern on his face.

  Looking up into his eyes I realized I was staring off into the distance. “Sorry, yes, everything is perfect.” I reassured him with a smile that was completely genuine.

  Ryder was confident enough to take out his own kayak instead of going out in a tandem one. I preferred the one person kayaks anyway since I never knew what I was going to be drawn toward to photograph.

  The guys at the rental shop helped us launch our kayaks after we had snapped on our bright yellow life jackets. My camera was safely tucked into a waterproof camera housing, the camera strap hanging around my neck.

  “You take your photography pretty serious.” Ryder commented sounding impressed. “I would like to see more of your work sometime.”

  “I would like that. I show some pieces at the gallery, but I have a few photo albums. I would love to hear your thoughts.” I couldn't help but smile at the thought of sharing something so personal to me with Ryder. His interest felt genuine.

  We were gliding through the water pretty good now and Ryder looked more comfortable paddling and balancing himself. We hadn't talked too much as I wanted him to be able to focus on what he was doing and enjoy the experience.

  “How are you doing? Like it?” I asked, paddling around to face him.

  “It's so peaceful,” He said. A look of complete relaxation was on his face and it was beautiful to see. “I'm so glad you brought me out here.”

  “You're welcome. I'm glad to have the company.” I didn't know what else to say. Part of me wanted to tell him what I was starting to feel toward him, but I was pretty sure it was written all over my face. This made me an honest person, but a terrible poker player.

  I was never one to play games in a friendship or relationship and I wasn't going to start now, but throwing myself at a man I had only spent time with on two occasions, including today, seemed a bit desperate.

  We spent another two hours out on the water. I pointed out seals and sea otters, cormorants and egrets. I was snapping photos of everything I saw including Ryder. I didn't want to ever forget this day.

  I was sneaking a few shots of him when he shrieked like a little girl as a huge sea lion popped up next to him. I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my kayak.

  “Oh that's funny, huh?” He was laughing too, his blue eyes lit up. Paddling closer I knew he was up to something but I didn't expect the spray of water he shot at me with his paddle.

  “Ryder Marshall you are going to pay for that!” I shouted lowering my camera allowing it to hang down around my neck, wiping my hands down my face. He wiggled his eye brows at me in a taunt to bring it on. “Oh, you won't see it coming buddy. You better not let your guard down.” My face hurt from grinning so much.

  We had circled around awhile ago and were almost back to the launch area. I hoped Ryder was ready for a break. The early morning, big breakfast and hours of paddling were started to catch up to me.

  After returning all our gear we headed back to the Jeep. We both walked a little wobbly after spending so much time on the water.

  “I feel like I should be taking a sobriety test.” Ryder said, laughing at the way his legs refused to cooperate. Bumping his shoulder into mine he said, “Thanks for the day. I've really needed to do something like this.”

  “Thanks for joining me. I've needed this too,” I said, looking up at him shyly.

  Driving back I took a short cut on a paved road that ran through large agricultural fields. I had stuck to Highway 1 on the way to the restaurant because there was little traffic, but heading back now the single lanes in each direction were backing up.

  Large green plants filled the fields on either side of the road as we drove through. Farm hands and equipment could be seen in the distance.

  “What are those plants?” Ryder asked loudly, pointing out his side window. The windows were up and I wasn't driving that fast but it was still noisy with the top off.<
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  “Artichokes. This area is a huge producer of artichokes,” I said glancing over at the puzzled look on his face.

  “Okay, call me crazy, but what the heck is an artichoke?” He was frowning now and it was hilarious.

  “Okay, you're crazy.” I laughed. “Seriously?”

  “Seriously. I've never had one. What are they?”

  “They're a green vegetable, you eat part of the outside leaves then you peel back and eat the heart.”

  “The vegetable has a heart? Okay, that's just weird.” He was chuckling now and so was I. This boy seriously needed to live a little. I was going to have to make him artichokes sometime. Something tells me watching him eat one was going to be hilarious.

  We drove the rest of the way to Ryder's hotel without any more discussion of weird vegetables with hearts.

  Ryder had mentioned that he was looking forward to a nap and shower. He seemed really tired, his eyes heavy when he turned to me before stepping out of the car. “Thank you again for today. We'll have to go on another adventure soon.” His eyes had drifted down to my mouth and back up. “Can I have your cell number so I can call or text sometime?”

  I was thrilled that he had asked so I didn't have to. I had been trying to think of a clever way to ask for his number without coming across as too forward, luckily he beat me to it. And he didn't sound forward, not that I would have cared if he had.

  He gave me his number and I shot him a quick text so he would have mine. “Don't read that text until I drive away.” I said, my face warm. I smiled and drove away with a little wave. I looked in the rear view mirror and smiled again when I saw that he was checking the text already, not waiting until he went inside.

  Chapter 13 – Ryder

  I couldn't wait to check my phone. I knew she was going to watch me in the mirror but I didn't care if I looked too eager, I was.

  “I know you really pigged out at breakfast but if you think you can control yourself at dinner I know a great place I would like to take you. 7:00?”

  “Wow.” I realized I had said that out loud, so I turned, walking toward my room. “Make it 6:59. I'll try to control myself.” I hit send before I could lose my nerve.

  I had about four hours before she would be back and I desperately needed a shower and a long nap. The hot shower had washed away the layer of salt that had coated me. It had also washed away much of my fatigue and I found myself alert and staring at my spot on the ceiling.

  A familiar battle was waging in my head again. This was a battle between my heart and my mind and I had no idea who was going to win. My heart was telling me to continue to get to know her, to get her to trust me. My head argued against doing anything that could potentially hurt her while maintaining my own self preservation.

  She didn't even know my real name. Sharing my last name would of course fling open the door to all that I was holding back from her. I'm sure she only had to hear the name Cowan and the world would come crashing down around her.

  When I had introduced myself to her at the gallery my first and middle name had just fallen out of my mouth and I had just gone with it. Dropping the Cowan with her had felt like I was giving myself the option of separating from the transgressions of my family.

  Part of me felt like I shouldn't go to dinner. I had already spent the entire day with her and I found myself drawn to her more and more in ways beyond what I expected, or deserved. While I was quite aware of how beautiful she is, my attraction to her went beyond just a physical level.

  I was drawn to her enthusiasm for life. I wanted to see the world the way she did. The way she shot it through the lens of her camera. She was definitely a glass half full kind of person. When I sought her out I think part of me was prepared for her to be a bit of a damsel in distress. That I would swoop in to save her somehow.

  I was finding that she was saving me.

  I felt more alive around her than I have ever felt. Not just the last two years, although they have been my darkest times, but my entire life. It was like I was drifting until I caught a hold of her and I don't want to let her go.

  Rubbing my hands down my face I sighed. Seriously, what the hell am I thinking. She's going to hate me soon enough. Why am I torturing myself, or her, with this time together? I know deep down why, but I don't know if I should entertain the thought. I'm hoping that she will care for me enough that even when I throw that door wide open she'll still allow me to step through and meet her on the other side. That she'll forgive me for my wrong doing.

  And what, I taunted myself, fall in love with you? She might actually forgive you, she's that good of a person, but would she really want to spend any more time with you? Was I really that delusional? My heart ached with the thought of having to hurt her. I had to see her though. I had to see her tonight. It was a physical need, and not like what is expected from most guys. My heart and mind needed her. I could breathe around her. I didn't feel like I was drowning around her.

  Cyan pulled into the hotel parking lot at exactly 6:59. Standing outside the front office I flashed her a huge smile, thankful that it was so easy to smile around her, even with my heart in my throat.

  “Okay, piggy pants. Check out this menu and let me know what you want.” She said with a grin, handing me a large paper menu, as I settled into the passenger seat.

  “Piggy pants? Really?” I said with a raised eyebrow, narrowing my eyes at her, a smirk firmly in place.

  “Just for today since you couldn't control your eating this morning.” She was totally pleased with herself at my expense. It was adorable. “The trick with this place is to order your food and pick it up to-go. You'll see why when we get there.”

  “Where are we going to eat it then?” I asked. Seriously intrigued with this dinner.

  “You'll see.” She repeated with a shy smile. “Just let me know what sounds good to you. They're the best place around for seafood. I would highly suggest the lobster roll.”

  “I'll take your suggestion. Sounds good.” I said, handing back the menu without even opening it.

  Once Cyan had placed the order we started driving. “It will take about twenty minutes to get there. It's really close to where we went this morning.” She said as she pulled out of the parking lot.

  She had put the top back on the Jeep so we were able to have a conversation. “Did you get any rest this afternoon?” She asked.

  “I couldn't sleep but I did lay and stare at the ceiling.” I said honestly. Then regretted it when she glanced over at me with a question in her eyes.

  “How about you, get any rest?” I asked, putting the attention back on her and smiling so she wasn't worried about my comment.

  “I took a short nap and then helped Evelyn clean house. She's having a harder time doing things like vacuuming and deep cleaning. I go over every couple weeks and help her with the more difficult things. She repays me with cookies. I think I get the better end of the deal.” She said. “Oh, don't let me forget I have cookies in the back for you. With your appetite you never know when you'll need a plate of cookies.” She said, laughing.

  “You're going to give me a complex about food!” I protested. “I'm going to have to start eating carrot sticks and celery around you for fear that you'll start making fat jokes!”

  She was laughing now. It was a beautiful sound. She could make fun of me all night if it kept her laughing just like that.

  “I'm pretty sure with a body like yours that you're handling your food just fine.” She said glancing at me. She smirked, but I saw her cheeks blush.

  I cleared my throat and chuckled but wasn't sure what to say. She wasn't the only one that blushed. That awkward teenager was rearing his head again.

  Cyan pulled into the tiny restaurant parking lot. The line of people ran out the door. Everyone stood with menus in hand slowly shuffling forward. There were two parking spots reserved for take-out orders and Cyan pulled into the one empty spot.

  We jumped out of the car and walked toward the weathered wood sided buil
ding. A couple large fish tanks were built into the wall at the entrance, huge fish swam lazily back and forth. Stepping through the doors I could see trays of ice loaded down with fresh fish lining the space next to the bar.

  The walls were rustic and the floors were cement. It looked like an old fishing shack. Lines of tables filled the open dining spaces. Each one full with people chowing down on loaded plates of seafood. It was noisy and busy and gave off a great energy. A band was setting up in the far back corner and I imagined it would get much louder in here when they started playing.

  Cyan led the way, excusing us through the line. Turning to me she said, “There's a separate register for to-go orders so we can go right up to the front.” The crowd was bottle necked at a door leading through the bar area and up to the register. Reaching back Cyan grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd.

  I loved holding her hand. I loved how natural it felt to do it and she didn't get all weird about it. When she reached the register she dropped my hand as she reached into her purse and I instantly missed her touch.

  “Let me pay.” I protested as she handed over her card. I had been so preoccupied with thoughts of holding her that I hadn't offered to pay fast enough.

  “No way, dinner was my idea so it's my treat.” She glance back at me and quickly added, “You can buy next time.” I liked the sound of a next time.

  The cashier handed over a paper sack with containers of our food and two bottled juices. Grabbing the handles I turned to look around at the crowded dining area.

  “So where are we supposed to sit?” I asked.

  “We're going to eat in the most beautiful dining area of all. Follow me,” She said.

  I was completely confused when Cyan headed back through the crowded dining room, past the line of people still shuffling forward, straight back to the Jeep and hopped in. She backed out without a word and headed up the road about a quarter mile before pulling into the parking lot of a business closed for the evening. She hopped back out and headed to the back of the Jeep.