Letting Go

by Charity Jackson

  I had to get out of here. Glancing around I was suddenly back at the fairgrounds, the night that Ian and I had started dating. The same smells, the lights, the crowds and noises. I closed my eyes, trying so hard to come back to the present but Ian's memory sat on my chest and I felt like my heart was going to simply explode.

  The feeling of loss was familiar, but I had never felt this level of panic. I heard Ryder's voice asking me over and over if I was okay. It was like I was hearing him from underwater. Like I was drowning and he was calling down to me.

  Turning to him and meeting his eyes I saw the concern in his eyes. He looked terrified and he gripped my upper arms gently.

  “I'm so sorry. I can't do this!” I knew my eyes were wild as I spoke, but then I turned and fled.

  Ryder caught up to me at his car. Tucking me into the passenger seat he slid behind the wheel and at my request he drove me back to my apartment. My heart beat had slowed but I felt light headed and weak. I was completely exhausted.

  “Let me help you to your door,” he said after opening my door and gently helping me out.

  Leaning on his arm I couldn't speak. I realized the last thing I had said to him was “I can't do this.” I don't know how he was going to interpret that, but I didn't have the energy to explain what I was feeling to him.

  I knew it was the long talk about Ian, followed by my laying out my heart by telling Ryder how I was feeling about him over the last week. The emotions I've been tucking away for so long had bubbled to the surface, the raw wounds reopened with our conversations.

  “I'm sorry for ruining our evening,” I managed as we reached my door.

  “Nonsense. Thank you for sharing dinner with me. It was nice to talk and laugh with a beautiful woman,” he said with a small smile. I saw how sad his eyes were though. He seemed distant and I knew there was so much not being said between us.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, obviously referring to my panic induced escape from the carnival.

  “I can't. Not yet,” I said simply, lightly shaking my head. My eyes were watery and my body was weak.

  Leaning forward he pressed his lips to my forehead. “Good night Cyan,” he said. “Get some rest.”

  I didn't respond, just leaned against the door jam and watched him walk up the driveway toward the street. The interior light came on as he opened his door and he stepped in with a quick glance over his shoulder. I couldn't see his expression from here, but I wondered if I would ever see him again.

  Chapter 23 – Ryder

  It had taken hours for me to fall asleep after getting back to my hotel room. Now with the light peeking around the curtains I just wanted to bury myself back under the covers.

  I hadn't been able to turn off my brain. I had stared up at the spot on the ceiling replaying our entire conversation at dinner. Every detail from our time at the carnival. We hadn't been there too long, but something had triggered Cyan's panic attack.

  Remembering that she and Ian had reconnected at a carnival I was pretty sure that her panic was triggered by the sights and sounds last night. The knowledge that a fun carnival could trigger such panic for her saddened me. The guilt came back full force as I felt some amount of responsibility for the pain she was feeling.

  Rolling out of bed I figured I would take a long hot shower and try to get caught up on a few work projects. Cyan would probably come by later. I hoped. We really needed to talk about what happened and I needed to get to the real reason why I was here. The time had come.

  Stepping out of the shower I heard my phone ringing. It was lying on the nightstand on the far side of the bed and I dashed over to it, water dripping from my hair, hoping it was Cyan.

  Looking down at the name and number on my screen my stomach churned and I felt an inexplicable dread fill my entire body. I just knew something was wrong.

  Steadying my voice I answered, “Hi Mom.”

  “Ryder,” she said. Just that one word, spoken soft and breathlessly. I sat down hard on the edge of the bed, the white towel wrapped around my waist. Putting my head down, my arm balanced on my knee, my hand against my head I braced myself for what I knew was coming.

  “It's Bobby, Ryder, he's dead.” With that she dropped the phone. I heard the phone hit the ground and could hear her loud sobbing in the background. I heard my father's voice and then the phone clicked off.

  I had to go home. Now. My mom needed me.

  I repeated the few words she had said over and over in my head. My heart was broken. Broken for my lost brother, for my family, for myself. I felt the hot tears running down my face as I hurriedly dressed and threw my clothes into my suitcase. I took a quick glance around the room, checking the bathroom and drawers. Sure that I had everything, I stopped at the front desk, checking out and hurried to my car.

  I was already on the freeway heading along the coast before I thought about Cyan. I had left her behind without a note or phone call. I would have to call her when I got home. Let her know that I was going to come back. There was a conversation that she and I still needed to have.

  Chapter 24 – Cyan

  I had dragged my sorry butt into Evelyn's kitchen around eleven. I hadn't been up that long, not that I slept much. More like tossed and turned, throwing a horizontal temper tantrum all night.

  Her kitchen smelled like cookies. Just being here calmed me.

  I was embarrassed by my behavior last night, but not really confused by it. I think I suspected that something was going to come to head. With the time I was spending with Ryder, sharing and talking like I used to do with Ian, old feelings and emotions were coming to the surface.

  Baring my soul last Saturday at dinner, telling Ryder all about Ian and describing the worst night of my life was an obvious trigger. I didn't need a therapist to tell me why I had a complete panic attack.

  The smells, sounds and sights at the carnival had been the final straw. My heart had very firmly said “Enough! Take a break, get me out of here!”

  Evelyn slid the plate of cupcakes toward me. We sat across her little round table, the floral tablecloth was holding my eyes firmly as I thought about how I had fled the carnival. I hadn't missed the weird looks, the parents pulling their kids towards them as I ran through. I must have looked like a crazy, drunk person, tears streaming down my face, my eyes wild. Having a tall, gorgeous guy running after me probably caught a lot of attention too.

  I sighed, reaching for another cupcake, setting it on the napkin in front of me. I'm pretty sure Evelyn was trying to put me in a sugar coma. I wasn't fighting it. It sounded like a good way to escape reality.

  Raising my eyes to meet Evelyn's I asked for the hundredth time, “What do you think I should do?”

  “Honey, I keep telling you, if Ryder is as great as you've been saying he is, then I'm sure he completely understands. I think that what happened is part of the healing process.” She reached across the table and patted my hand, getting me to look back up at her. “You're ready to move on with your life. To do that you're going to have to say good-bye to Ian. I know you believe that you'll see him again someday and you should hold onto that, but it's time to tuck him away in your heart and make room for someone else to fill the space. That someone may or may not be Ryder, but you're ready for that new love. I just don't know if you're heart has gotten the memo.”

  “You're right,” I said with a soft sigh. “It's been lonely and tiring holding onto Ian's memories so tight. I'll always have them, but I really do need to put down the weight of my sadness.” Poking my finger at the icing on the otherwise untouched cupcake I looked up to Evelyn.

  “I know in all the times we've talked that, at times, you wanted me to tell you what to do,” Evelyn said, a twinkle in her eye. “But you've been on the right track all along. Our hearts need to take baby steps sometimes. I would have been more worried about you if you were running head first into the future. You're a smart girl. It's okay to let your brain rest a little and let your heart lead for awhile.”

/>   Cocking my head to one side I realized how intuitive this woman really was. All the times I had thought she wasn't giving me the advice I wanted, was because she knew that I was already figuring it out on my own.

  Standing, I came around the table and pulled her into a tight hug. “Thank you,” I whispered against her gray curls. “I love you. You know that right?”

  “Of course my dear,” she said with watery eyes. “I love you too.”

  We held our embrace a moment longer until I heard my cellphone ringing from the kitchen. Dashing to grab it off the counter I was hoping to see Ryder's name, but I felt a little disappointed, not that it was my mom calling, but that it wasn't Ryder.

  “Hi Mom,” I said with a smile. “What's up?”

  “Hi honey,” she said. There was a long pause and I was instantly concerned.

  “What's wrong? Is it daddy? Is everything okay?” I asked, pressing the phone to my ear.

  “Yes, and no. Dad's fine, we're fine. Just, something has happened and I thought you should know. Bobby Cowan was killed last night in prison.” I heard her sigh and knew she was upset. I don't think any mother wants to think about a young person being killed. Even a man who had been part of taking the life of someone she loved.

  I couldn't respond. The weight on my shoulders had returned and I was suddenly really tired. I looked toward Evelyn and saw the questions in her eyes. I returned to the table and sat down, letting her know it was okay for her to listen.

  “I don't know what to say mom. I know I should be relieved, maybe? But I'm not. It's just sad,” I said, pressing my free hand to my forehead, resting my elbows on the table. “He wasn't much older than me and he lost his future too. So many people affected but such a stupid act. I'm just sad for this whole situation.”

  “Can you come home honey? Just for a few days? I just want to have you nearby while we figure out what happened,” She sounded concerned. “Remember what Detective Warren said about the other brother. I know it's not your fault that Bobby Cowan was in prison, he put himself there, but we don't know anything about his brother. I don't want him to do something stupid out of anger or grief.”

  I didn't really think that the brother was going to do anything. I'm sure he was long gone by now. But he had proved he could be violent and if it made my mom feel better I'm sure I would be able to take a few days to put her concerns to rest. I missed her anyway.

  “I'll leave in about an hour. I just need to pack a quick bag and call into work. I have someone I need to stop and talk to as well and then I'll get on the road. I'll text you before I head out, okay?”

  We hung up and I filled Evelyn in on what happened. She gave me a quick hug and told me to drive safe. I packed my bags on auto pilot, throwing random clothes in. A quick call to Lynn confirmed that she could cover for me at work the next couple days. I hadn't even told Lynn about last night. I had so much I needed to talk to her about. A coffee date was going to have to happen soon.

  My nerves kicked in as I drove to Ryder's hotel. I really wanted to apologize and make sure we were okay. I wanted to let him know I would be gone a few days.

  Pulling into the small lot I realized his car wasn't parked in its normal spot. I looked around and decided to go check with the desk attendant to see if he had seen Ryder.

  I felt my face fall when he confirmed that Ryder had checked out. I must have totally blown it with him. Don't they say that guys hate it when girls talk about their exes? It wasn't like Ian was an ex really.

  He was so much more than that and with how close Ryder and I had become, I thought he had understood how important Ian was to me and why it was so important I share his story with him.

  Ryder really did seem to understand when we had talked about it last Saturday. We had shared the evening looking at our photos and hanging out with Evelyn, as well as a date night since I had told him about Ian. Even with my total freak out at the carnival last night he was so sweet when he dropped me off.

  Walking back out to my Jeep I absentmindedly slipped my sunglasses from the top of my head to my face and pulled my cellphone out of my pocket, checking to be sure I hadn't missed a call from him. Nothing.

  I was totally confused now as to why he had checked out and left town without calling me. He didn't seem angry last night and he hadn't seemed put off by our talks about Ian. Maybe leaving town didn't have anything to do with me, but why hadn't he called then?

  I climbed back into the Jeep and shot my mom a quick text letting her know I was getting on the road a little early. I hadn't told her anything about Ryder and I didn't intend to. Especially now that it appeared there wasn't going to be anything to tell.

  Chapter 25 – Ryder

  Bobby had been sent to a medium security facility less than an hour from home. I had been happy that he hadn't been sent too far away as my mom would regularly go visit him.

  I had gone to see him about a dozen times over the last couple years and I felt guilty that I hadn't gone more often. He would tell me he understood, that my life had to go on. Seeing him there had been so depressing and I wanted to change the situation so bad. There was nothing I could do though.

  A couple times that I had gone he had a black eye. Another time his finger had been in a splint. When I would ask what happened he would just shrug and hang his head. His eyes were always red and he looked a little thinner each time I visited.

  I regularly put money on his books so he could buy snacks, envelopes, stamps, and other things from the prison commissary. Anything to make life a little easier.

  I also sent him books. He liked mystery novels and westerns. For a guy that barely graduated high school, nothing inspired a desire to read like boredom.

  It had been almost four months since I had last seen him. Since the last time I would ever see him. Fresh tears slid down my face as I laid on my old bed on the second floor of my parent's home.

  My mom had nearly collapsed when I had walked through the door and my dad and I had persuaded her to lie down and get some rest. My dad had disappeared to his work shed and I had gone up to my room.

  My sister, Jenna, had slipped out when I arrived. She had given me a bear hug, tears in her eyes. I imagined she was just about cried out and needed a break from my mom. I didn't ask where she was going but I knew she would be back by later.

  Jenna had grown up a lot over the years. She had moved out of my parents home about four years ago. I was proud of the strong woman she had become. My nephew Max was eight now and he was a good kid. Having to be responsible for another life had been the wake-up call Jenna needed.

  I felt myself start to doze off when I heard a loud rumble in the front yard. I jumped off the bed, determined to quiet whoever was revving their motorcycle before they woke my mom.

  Going down the stairs as quickly as I could I yanked open the front door. The bike was parked right in front of the house and my oldest brother Jace was climbing off it.

  “Dude, keep it down a little. Mom's finally resting,” I said crossing the front lawn. I noticed it needed to be cut and I added it to my mental list of things I wanted to do around the house before leaving again.

  My arms were crossed over my chest, my feet planted on the lawn a good ten feet away from him. A pretty clear indication that Jace and I wouldn't be sharing a brotherly hug. Somewhere deep down I still loved my oldest brother, but he sure made it hard.

  Jace had always been a bit of a bad ass. At least that's the image he worked really hard to project. Honestly I had no idea what was going on under the surface. He never let anyone in.

  Our age difference and his tendency to do whatever he pleased, even from an early age, had kept us from ever growing close. I remember a time when we were very young that I looked up to him. His anger and selfish behavior quickly erased that adoration.

  “Well if it isn't the golden child. Guess mom called,” Jace said. He had pulled off his helmet, setting it on the seat. His hair was a dark blond and longer than it had been the last time I had seen him
. He ran his hands through it and down the back of his neck.

  He had the rugged good looks that meant finding women with a weakness for bad boys was never a problem. He stood a couple inches shorter than me and I knew he hated that.

  He wore a cliché black leather jacket which he removed, flinging it across the back of the seat. His arms were completely covered in tattoos, intricate, expensive work. For a guy who never seemed to have money and was always trying to get some out of my parents, his expensive tattoos pissed me off.

  I stood to my full height, arms still crossed and faced him straight on. For a reason I wasn't going to consider right now, I felt like punching him in the face. My parents were under enough stress over Bobby and I didn't want to make a terrible situation even worse.

  “What brings you around Jace,” I asked keeping my voice level.

  “Bobby is my brother too. I came to pay my respects to mom and dad. Mom called and left a message on my cell. I wanted to find out what the hell happened,” he replied scowling in my general direction. His eyes were really dark blue and in his simmering anger they were almost black.

  We stared each other down for a minute before I turned toward the house without another word.

  Mom was at the kitchen table, her head in her hands. She must have gotten up when Jace tore into the yard.

  I went over and stood behind her gently kneading her shoulders. She silently patted my hand before placing her hands in her lap. My stance behind her was both a symbol of support to her as well as a warning to Jace not to do anything that upset her, or he would have me to deal with.

  Jace glanced up at me before sitting at the table across from her. His legs were stretched out in front of him and he leaned back in the chair with his arms crossed. He was trying to appear relaxed and in control, but the set of his jaw and the tick in his cheek said otherwise.