“I didn't see Bobby again until the day he was arrested. We had got the call that the police had picked him up and I drove my parents to the station. It had been a couple weeks since the night he gave me the ring, but I hadn't returned home. I had heard about the murder at the lake and I suspected that Bobby and Jace were involved and I wanted to stay near my parents. The police never mentioned the missing ring though so I kept trying to convince myself that they weren't connected,” I said, running my hands through my hair, clutching the back of my neck.
My eyes flew up to Cyan's face when she started to speak. She had been absolutely quiet the entire time I spoke, to hear her speak now started my heart pounding for some reason.
“The police didn't release that information. They were wanting to hold back certain details to see if the ring showed up at a pawn shop or if they found it on the suspects,” Cyan said, barely above a whisper. She was no longer facing me, she had turned to the side and was gazing out over the water towards the docks.
“I don't know why I didn't go straight to the police,” I started to say, then I stopped, shaking my head. “Actually, that's not true. I do know. I was hoping that this was all a mistake. That my brothers couldn't possibly have been involved. I figured it would all get straightened out, that the cops would pick up someone else and that person would confess. When it was Bobby that confessed I was completely crushed.”
Stepping off the table I walked near Cyan, but kept a comfortable distance. Comfortable for her I hoped, but it wasn't for me. I wanted to wrap her in my arms, drop to my knees and beg her forgiveness, crush her lips to mine and never let her go. Anything, but give her distance.
I shoved my hands in the front pockets of my jeans, looking out at the lake, following Cyan's gaze. “After Bobby confessed I could have gone to the police then. Backed up the suspicions about Jace's involvement. I made excuses though. I wasn't there and what Bobby had mumbled the night he gave me the ring didn't really make much sense. Then I would look at my parents and I saw all the grief, the terrible anguish they were experiencing and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't take Jace away from them too.” I looked at Cyan begging her with my eyes to understand, but she wouldn't even look at me. Small tears streamed down her cheeks.
I needed to say it all though. Everything that was weighing on me. Everything that was holding me back from living the last two years. The last part of the guilt that didn't allow me to look at myself in the mirror. The part that didn't allow me to see myself in the way this amazing woman saw me through her photos.
“I was afraid that I would be in trouble too,” I said quietly. I know she heard me though because she turned toward me slightly. “I thought that since I hadn't gone straight to the cops with the ring that they would go after me as an accessory or for tampering with evidence. I don't doubt that they would have tried to stick something on me. Even as a way to try and get Jace to step up.” Touching the sore knot on my cheek though I winced and said, “He wouldn't have though. He would have let me take the fall right beside Bobby.”
I was out of words and finally telling her everything was exhausting. No longer having the ring on me, having finally returned it, I felt a little of the weight on my shoulders lift. A little, but not much.
I had placed a burden on her shoulders now with this information and I had to let her off the hook.
“I understand if you need to go to the police with this information now. The guilt has eaten me alive the last two years and I deserve any punishment I get. I don't know what will happen with Jace. They couldn't prove his involvement before. I don't know if what I told you would be enough for them to get a conviction.” I paused before continuing with a request I hadn't earned.
“I know I don't deserve to ask this of you, but can you give me a few days before you go to the police. I just need to be there for my parents, to see Bobby buried before I'm taken away too.”
Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. These weren't for my parents, or Bobby, for Jace or Cyan, these tears were for me. I didn't look forward to jail, to losing my family and my freedom, to losing Cyan.
She hadn't said anything and I just stood there. Waiting. Hoping that I hadn't completely lost her but suspecting I had. I debated telling her my true feelings. I knew the timing was terrible but I was laying it all out there anyway. And honestly, it was now or never, because I was pretty sure that my time with her was limited.
“I have one more thing I need to say and then I'll step away,” I said, moving in front of her so her gaze reached my face and not the lake behind me. She tried to avert her eyes but mine pleaded with her to look at me.
I didn't dare touch her but I stepped a little closer. Taking a deep breath I wiped my eyes again and bared my soul. “There was a time in my life, when I was little that I thought I could conquer the world. I was confident and happy. Then life started to seep in as I got older and reality hit. It hit really hard two years ago. I started drifting through life and I carried around this guilt and these burdens that weighed me down.
“The moment I met you, two short weeks ago, and the time we've spent together has been the happiest time of my life. I felt my heart warm and wake from a deep sleep, moments of true happiness returned and I started feeling hope. I just want to thank you for giving me those moments. For awakening in me a desire to be a better man and trying to give me the confidence to believe I really could be the man you saw. I want you to know I understand if you could never look at me again, but I can't let you leave without you knowing how I feel.”
I reached out and gently took her right hand in mine. Her left hand still clutched the ring to her heart. She didn't pull back and she didn't look scared. She just looked defeated, even as she raised her eyes back to mine.
“Cyan Keller, you are the most amazing, beautiful and inspiring woman I have ever met. Your strength radiates from you and you make the people around you feel loved and special. I think I fell for you the moment I met you and I've fallen in love with you a hundred times since then.
“Please don't ever, ever think that the last two weeks were anything other than me trying to build up the nerve to tell you the truth. The nerve to ask you for your forgiveness. Falling in love with you along the way was something I would have never predicted, but I wouldn't take back our time together for anything in the world.”
Time came to a standstill as Cyan stood looking at me. The world stopped spinning, birds stopped flying, the clouds ceased to move across the sky. Her emerald eyes drifted across my face, down my nose to my lips and back up again. She was still holding my hand in hers. Her eyes closed slowly, her hand squeezed mine ever so slightly, then she released my hand, turned and walked away. Not a word.
My heart had stopped with the world and I fell to my knees.
The pine needles pressed into my knees as I sat looking out over the lake. The sun had set and the darkness had flowed in. The world slowly started spinning again. In the distance I heard the low rumble of a motorcycle. The sound floated away, barely registering in my exhausted mind.
Chapter 28 - Cyan
I had been at my parents for a few days since Ryder's confession. It was nice to sleep in my old room and wake to spend time with my parents. My brother Sam had come by and I realized how much I had missed him.
After I had moved away Sam had come to visit a couple times but in my early grief I had pushed him away pretty hard. I know he had understood my grief, but I felt like I was still making it up to him for pushing him away. We once had a really strong bond and I was determined to get close to him again.
He had been close to Ian and the distance I put between myself and him hadn't been fair. He lost a good friend too and I should have been a better sister.
We sat out on the front porch steps looking out over the yard toward the lake in the distance, hidden behind trees. It was late afternoon and pleasantly warm.
“I'm sorry Sam,” I said. I hadn't looked toward him but I could feel him looking at me. I picked at the paint on t
he step I was sitting on.
“What are you sorry for Cyan?” He asked softly. The playful tone we had just been joking around in drifted away with my apology.
“For being such a crappy sister,” I said finally looking at him. He raised an eyebrow and me but didn't let me off the hook.
I continued, “You knew I was hurting when I lost Ian, but you were hurting too. I should have been there for you. You tried so hard to comfort me, but I wasn't the only one who had lost him and I should have comforted you too. He was one of your best friends. I should have been more understanding.” I put my arm around his shoulders and hugged him to me.
He may be my little brother but he towered over me at six feet tall and he was muscular and solid. He worked an office job but, like Ian, he was big into outdoor sports. Besides biking, skiing and hiking he still played baseball on a community team. My mom kept me filled in on all Sam's activities.
“I understood Cyan, I really did.” He sat back up straight, releasing me from our hug. “Yeah, it hurt not having you around to share my grief, but I understood that you had to handle it in your own way.”
“It still wasn't fair to you and I'm sorry I couldn't see past my grief to see that we should have been there for each other,” I paused releasing a sigh. “I'm getting better though. Stronger. I look forward to the future now.”
“Well, I know you and I have a feeling you're not going to tell me, but is there someone special helping you feel this way?” He was smiling a knowing smile.
“Honestly, yeah, there is someone who has helped me feel this way. But, I don't know if that's going to work out,” I mumbled the last part with another sigh.
I wasn't ready to reveal too much about Ryder. Especially with his recent confession and the fact that he was the first man I had feelings for since Ian. I knew that Sam would be understanding though and that he would keep the conversation between us. I wasn't ready for my parents to start interrogating me or putting too much hope in this new man and what it may mean for me.
“Whether it works out with him or not life still goes on,” I said bumping my knee against his. “I promise no more cutting you out of my life, okay?”
Our conversation continued easily. I asked Sam about a girl my mom said he was dating but he was pretty tight lipped. I wanted to push him on it but he didn't seem ready to share. I could understand that so I let it go. I felt like we had made up a lot of lost ground with our talk and I felt good about that.
We talked about Bobby and about how my mom was handling his death. Sam agreed that it was bringing up a lot of old emotions but that our mom would be okay.
I hadn't breathed a word about what Ryder had revealed. I hadn't decided what I was going to do with the information. It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't bring Ian back.
I stuck close to the house, afraid to venture out. I was less concerned about meeting up with Ryder's brother than I was about running into Ryder. He said that he would be around while his family buried Bobby. Part of me wanted to comfort him, part of me wanted to hold onto the betrayal I was feeling. This battle within was exhausting and I slept a lot to escape the endless thoughts running through my mind.
While Ryder's intentions were genuine, his involvement in all this accidental, I still hadn't processed if I could forgive him. I knew that sending him off to jail wasn't something that I wanted to happen either.
I had released most of my anger over Ian's death long ago. I had to for my own survival. I wasn't looking for revenge. And while full justice for Ian's death is something I still wished for, I know what Ryder told me may not change anything. It still didn't prove that Jace was there that night. The ring had come from Bobby and he had already paid dearly.
I laid in bed holding Ian's ring and thinking about everything Ryder said. My feelings for him and what he said to me kept rising to the forefront of my thoughts.
Ryder had confessed that he loved me. He had held my hand so sweetly as he confessed how much the last two weeks had meant to him. I know that walking away from him without saying a word wasn't what he needed, but I couldn't give him more in that moment.
After the bombshell he had just dropped, well both of them, the ring and the confession of love, I just couldn't process it enough to offer a response. I remember studying his face thinking what a beautiful man he is, both inside and out. Part of me questioned how I could be thinking this after finding out that he had Ian's ring this whole time, but the other part of me knew that he didn't have to ever give it back.
He didn't have to come to Pacific Grove to find me in the first place. I understand now his original intentions were pure and realize how our time together had happened so naturally and had felt so perfect.
Holding the ring up, turning it over in my fingers, I'm glad to have it back but the ring also holds so many sad memories. It weighs on my soul. Ian placing this ring on my finger should have been the beginning of our life together, but because of the ring Ian's life and our future was taken from us.
Then on the flip side, this ring brought Ryder to me, so why did it feel like the ring was now taking him from me? I was so confused.
Today was the beginning of a new week, but symbolically I had decided it was a new beginning for me period. I dragged myself out of bed and showered and dressed.
I was ready to make some decisions, to continue to move my life forward. I had a visit to make, it had been a few months and I needed them.
Ian's mom Linda was a rock. She had of course mourned Ian's death as any mom would but she never lost sight of her husband and two other children. Following Ian's death their family had come together, bound in the grief, but strengthened in each other.
Ian's sense of humor and his gentleness came from his father. Jim was a kind man who took life in stride. Losing Ian was not only the loss of his son, but the loss of his friend. They had been close and Jim's belief in Ian's business had been what propelled him forward. Ian had told me so many times how important his parents were to the decisions he made in life.
Linda enveloped me in her arms before I could even enter the house. I had called this morning after breakfast to see if they would be around.
“Cyan, honey you look wonderful!” Linda said stepping back to look me over. “I'm so glad you came by. I've been thinking about you these last couple days.”
“Thank you Linda. You look great too. I like your new haircut!” I said, making small talk as we walked into the kitchen. Her hair was darker and shorter than the last time I saw her. Ian had inherited his bright blue eyes from her and each time I looked at her I caught glimpses of the man I would always love.
Pouring a couple cups of coffee Linda joined me at the dining table. “Jim is going to be by in a little bit. He went into the office this morning but said that I better not let you go before he comes home for lunch.” She smiled and I knew that Jim would be very upset if I didn't see him too.
We chatted for a little bit about my photography and time at the gallery. I told her about Evelyn and what a joy she was to me. Linda laughed when I told her about how much she bakes. We talked about Lynn and Roger and how important it was for me to be close to a married couple, to get their perspective on their lives together and to respect it and not be jealous of it.
It didn't take long for the conversation to steer toward Bobby. I wanted to hear Linda's thoughts on the whole situation. True to her spirit she didn't express any relief, nor did she feel a sense of justice over Bobby's death.
Like my mom, Linda felt grief over the loss of a child. Even if that child was responsible for the loss of her own.
Pinecrest was a small community surrounded by other small communities. Ian and I had not gone to school with the Cowan kids, and didn't know them growing up, but their family was part of our community as a whole.
“When Ian was taken from our family Jim and I were so angry and sad. We had to go on with life though. Megan and Dylan needed us to be strong for them. The loss of their big brother was a huge blow. They've c
ome a long way the last two years.” Linda paused taking a sip from her cup, her eyes staring off into space, drawn to memories of times not too long ago.
She continued, “I can understand what Bobby's mom is feeling now. That utter loss. But I know that her loss is further marred by her separation from Bobby these last two years.” She released a big sigh. “My heart just goes out to her.”
The depth of Linda's love for others and witnessing the forgiveness that she was able to extend to the Cowan family clarified my feelings toward Ryder post-confession. If a woman, who's first born was murdered and so senselessly taken from her, could turn around and extend forgiveness to Bobby and his family then I could and should do the same.
“There's my girl,” Jim said, coming through the door from the garage. I stood and waited for the bear hug I knew was coming. Jim didn't disappoint.
“Hey Jim, so glad I get to see you both!” I loved these people like my own parents and I missed seeing them like I used to. Ian and I would have game nights with his parents at least a couple times a month and we had so much fun on those nights.
“How are your parents?” he asked setting his keys on the counter, walking me back toward the table with his arm around my shoulders.
“They're doing good. My mom is of course upset over Bobby's death. I think it has brought a lot of emotions back to the surface.” I paused looking at them both in turn. “I think Bobby's death feels like a loss to all of us. It's just one tragedy after another.”
We sat at the table and talked through Jim's lunch break. I missed seeing Megan and Dylan but they were both finishing up their summer classes at the community college before a brief break and then the start of the fall session. After hugs and promises to see them soon I left feeling less burdened.
As with my parents I hadn't mentioned Ryder or the ring. Right now they both felt like something special that I couldn't share. I wanted to tell Ian's parents that I was finding love again, but it was such a complicated situation. I knew that when I was ready to share, and even with who Ryder is, that they would fully support me.
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