On the Edge of Fear

by Thianna D.

  “If you’ll pull up your hair, I’ll put this around your neck.”

  She pulled her hair up and felt his warm fingers at the back of her neck. The softness of the leather settled around her throat. There was a brief moment of panic when it pressed against her skin. The small snick of the connection came and it loosened slightly.

  Warmth flooded through her and for the first time in a long time, she felt like someone might actually care for her. It was almost overwhelming and she had to blink tears away.

  “Hey,” he said softly and brushed a tear away with his thumb. His eyes were incredibly soft as she stared at him, almost as if he knew. “You okay?”

  Her lips trembled, but she nodded. “Yes,” she whispered, unable to express how she was feeling.

  He pulled her close and hugged her. “It looks beautiful on you, Lex. I like knowing you’re protected with it on.” Ryan stood up and pulled her to her feet. “I wish I could stay, but I need to go make sure everything’s set with my booth. If you have the southeast side, come see me when you deliver lunches. After you’re done serving meals tonight, let’s do dinner at one of the Faire eateries.” He winked. “I want to show my lovely lady off.”

  Delivering food was massively different to cleaning the cabins. It was nerve wracking walking through the Faire as it did seem like everyone stared at her as she walked past. But it was better than scrubbing floors. Or at least she thought so at first. Running back and forth delivering food hurt her feet. Plus she could swear she smelled like food.

  This honest work thing was a pain.

  On her last delivery for lunch, she finally got to go by Ryan’s booth. He was busy spanking some man and didn’t notice her as she walked to Alec’s Cock & Bull Shop. What a strange name. She stepped inside and saw merchandise which she had no clue what it was for. A man with hair shaved close to his head stood at the register ringing someone up. After they were done, she walked forward with his meal.

  Warm hazel eyes watched her approach and he smiled, laugh lines cropping up on the sides of his eyes. “You must be Lexi,” he said warmly as he took the food from her. “Ryan’s girl.”

  Heat flooded her cheeks, but she nodded. “I am.”

  “Good for you. Ryan’s a great guy. Oh. I’m Alec, by the way. James’s Dom.”

  “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Enjoying Elan Isle?” he asked as he opened up the container and began to eat.

  “So far. It’s different to what I’ve been used to, but I feel welcomed here.” And she probably shouldn’t. She had taken advantage the Friday before. But that was the pre-honest Alexis. Not the her she was now.

  “Glad to hear it. It’s a good place to be.” A customer walked in and Alec turned toward him. “Have any questions, feel free to ask.”

  “Actually,” the man said in a deep voice. “I’m looking for some toys for my boy and hope you can help me out.”

  Alec’s eyes lit up and the twinkle turned up a notch. “Why, I’d love to help. There are tons of pieces to torture your boy. What do you want to do to him?” He walked over to the man and Alexis left, wondering about the word “torture”. Surely he was kidding, right?

  Ryan was gone by the time she reached his booth. She pouted but knew she’d see him later. Now for the rest of her job. To walk around and show off the dress.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  It was amazing how fast June flashed by. Between the Faire and dating Alexis, Ryan’s world was full. He had moved most of his clothes to her cabin as he slept there every night. Things were going well, if a bit slow, in their D/s relationship. He still struggled with what kind of Dom he was going to end up being and he didn’t want to push her too much. At least she had settled into eating three meals a day and was honest with him. Most of the time. When she wasn’t, a spanking helped.

  Unfortunately honesty wasn’t what he was getting from his brother.

  “Come on, Luke,” he said in frustration the Monday before the Fourth of July weekend. “You keep telling me you’ll explain to me what’s going on with you, but then back out. ‘Oh, I’m not ready’ and ‘I’m sure it will all blow over’ don’t cut it. Not anymore. Come on, bro. What the fuck is going on?”

  Luke glared at him. His brother never left the bedroom as far as he could tell. “Aren’t you busy with your sub?” he asked snidely. “Go boss her around. That’s what she’s for.”

  “Lexi’s not there to be bossed around,” Ryan snapped back. “She’s my girl, not my underling. You have seriously fucked-up ideas, Luke. But that’s neither here nor there.” He shook his head. Once again, Luke was changing the subject. He took a long deep breath in and looked his brother in the eye. “Come on. Womb to grave. You can tell me anything.”

  They stared at each other for a long moment, just like when they were kids. The first one to blink would have to give up the truth. He had every intention of getting Luke to cough up whatever was bothering him. Luke’s jaw tensed, letting him know his brother was close to blinking. Ryan forced himself to keep his eyelids open. “Tell me,” he whispered.

  A shot of pain in Luke’s eyes were quickly covered when he closed them. Shit. Ryan sat next to him on his bed. “Come on, bro. I won. Tell me.”

  “Fuck off.” Luke’s words held no power. He sounded defeated.

  “Is this about school?” Ryan was staying on the island come fall and from then on doing all his schooling online. Luke planned to transfer to a university close to the Canadian border. Their father was not pleased, but as far as Ryan knew, had agreed to let him go.

  A strangled sound left Luke’s throat and he shook his head. “No,” he murmured. “This isn’t about school.” He looked down at his bedspread and picked at it. “You’re lucky, Ry. You can be you and it makes Dad proud. My son, the Dom,” he said in an exact imitation of their father. “He’s never been proud of me. He would have even less reason if he knew…”

  “If he knew what?” Ryan asked quietly, leaning forward until he rested his forehead against Luke’s. It was something they’d done since they were kids. He couldn’t remember how it started, but it always gave him strength when Luke did it to him.

  Luke’s hands gripped the bedspread until his knuckles went white. Ryan waited and hoped. Please. Give me something.

  “I’m gay.”

  The words were so quiet that he almost didn’t hear them. At first, they didn’t collate in his head. Luke was a manwhore. At school, he went out with a different girl every night. He’d used up more condoms than any guy had a right to. He— “Oh.” Ryan’s heart broke for him. He’d been using women to try and cover it up.

  Ryan pulled Luke into his arms and held him. What could he say? It needed to be something that conveyed that he was with Luke, that he supported him. And… “You could have left some of those girls for me, you know, since you prefer guys.”

  Luke snorted and he grinned as he pulled back.

  “How long have you known?” Ryan asked.

  A quick glance from Luke and he grimaced as he looked away. “I knew I liked guys when I was fifteen.”

  “Shit, Luke. You’ve been covering it up for five years?”

  “I figured if I dated enough girls that would change.” He shrugged. “I bet that sounds stupid.”

  “Not stupid,” Ryan disagreed. “Sad. That you’ve tried to be someone else.” And it was sad that he was afraid to tell anyone. “Why do you think Dad would be upset that you’re gay?”

  A snort of derision made him jump. “Seriously, Ry? Dad might be gay friendly, but that’s for other men. Not for his sons. Maybe if I was into this kink shit, he’d find a way to accept it, but I’m not. And he’s not going to know,” he said firmly and glared at Ryan. “I mean it, Ry. You aren’t going to tell him.”

  “So what? You’re just going to keep hiding? That’s not fair to anyone.”

  “I won’t hide anymore at school. New school. New everything.” Luke reached over and opened the top drawer of his dresser. He pulled out a pi
ece of paper and handed it over. “My roommate assignment in the dorms for next year.”

  Confused, Ryan glanced over the information for one Matt Gevense. At first he wasn’t sure why Luke wanted him to see it. Until he got down to the part under Roommate Wanted. Matt had put in Gay Roommate.

  “We’ve already emailed a few times,” Luke said quietly. “He isn’t out to his folks either. We’re going to come out once we get there. Be each other’s back up.”

  This wasn’t about Ryan, but he couldn’t help but be hurt that someone else knew before he did. He handed the paper back. “I’m glad you’ll be with someone in the same boat,” he said quietly. “But know, also, that I’m here for you. I don’t have any problem that you’re gay. If you were into kink, there are some cute Doms on the island, but you’re not.”

  Luke snorted. “No. I’m not. And since when do you notice if a guy’s cute?”

  Ryan frowned. “I’m pansexual, Luke. I notice if a person is attractive to me, regardless of their sex. I thought you knew.”

  “No.” Luke put the paper back in the drawer and closed it. “I didn’t. I mean, I knew you’d practiced some of that spanky stuff on a couple guys here, but I just figured it was because they were willing to let you.”

  “That too,” Ryan said dryly. “When one is learning, an ass is an ass after all. But no. Remember Ken from across the hall in Port Angeles? I thought he was a cutie. But he was also vanilla as all get out. So that was that. I knew I was only staying there for one term and would be back on the island where I’d be learning. I never expected to meet Lexi or fall for her.”

  Luke’s head snapped back. “Fall for her? You’re in love?”

  Unable not to, Ryan’s mouth curved into a grin. “Yeah. I love her.”

  “That’s great, Ry.” Luke smiled. “Really. She seems like a nice girl.”

  “She is. The kink throws her sometimes, but she’s amazing.” In one week, he planned to tell her he loved her while they watched the fireworks over the water. He was also trying to figure out how to gain his own stake in Elan Isle without the money to do so. He wanted her to stay on the island at the end of summer and if he had his own cabin, that would be the easiest way to do it.

  “Don’t keep anything else important from me,” Ryan said quietly. “I’m not going to judge you for it. So you like guys. Like guys. Just like the good ones, okay? I’d hate to have to come to your school and kick some ass of any guy who hurt my brother. But I’d do it.”

  “Yeah right. You should talk. You like to smack your girl on the ass.”

  “And fuck her into the mattress,” Ryan agreed with a grin. Luke laughed. “But I’m still a good guy. And there are tons of good guys out there.” He wished Luke would recognize and accept that he had submissive tendencies. It was the reason their father hated letting Luke be so far away without Ryan or him to be there to help out. His brother needed order and peace or he could wrangle himself into tight knots with no way out that he could see. When they were teens, Luke won a writing contest and went to Washington, D.C. for the summer to work as an intern with a congressman. Two weeks into his internship, they’d received a phone call from the congressman’s aide. Their father flew out to rescue his son and bring him home. Luke never talked about that time, but Ryan knew it caused him pain.

  “I can hope,” Luke mused. “I mainly want to focus on school. I have to show Dad I can make it on my own so I can get a job there over the summer. I can’t come back to the island, Ryan, except for short visits. This place isn’t me.”

  While he figured that was true for the kink side of things, Ryan disagreed when it came to the D/s part. But he couldn’t say that, so he didn’t. Luke had to make up his mind about what kind of relationship was good for him.

  “I know you feel that way,” he said sadly. “I hate that you’ll be so far away, though. Last fall sucked with me here and you in Port Angeles. I’m too used to having you nearby.”

  “You could always come with me,” Luke said, sounding hopeful. “I’m sure there’s a kink community there you could get involved in. Lexi could get a job there and you could attend FPU with me.”

  “There probably is a kink community,” Ryan agreed. “But I love Elan Isle, Luke. I love that I can walk outside my door and everywhere I look are people who get me. Plus I’m not really a city boy at heart.” He never had been. It was one of his and Luke’s major differences. Luke loved city lights and tons of activity. Ryan preferred nature and deeper, personal connections.

  “I know.” Luke shrugged. “Can’t stop me from hoping, though.”

  “You and me both,” Ryan agreed. “Now, is there anything else you haven’t told me?”

  Pink flooded into Luke’s cheeks and Ryan leaned back. “Well, well. There is. And what have you been hiding.”

  “Nothing,” Luke spluttered and then he laughed. “You know all those girls I dated?”

  “Yes.” He hoped his brother wasn’t going to say he had an STD. That would seriously suck.

  “I never fucked them.”

  Ryan blinked. “What?”

  Luke shook his head. “I took them out. Dated. Kissed. Fooled around a little. But I never fucked them.”

  “But all those condoms!”

  His brother grinned. “They make great water balloons.”

  “Bastard.” Ryan shoved him to the side and Luke laughed.

  “Actually, I threw them away. I needed you to think I was…”

  “A manwhore?” Ryan said dryly.

  “Exactly. Then you’d never realize I was…” He gulped. “Gay.”

  “Well, for the record? I think it’s awesome you’ve come out to me. And I hope someday soon you’ll come out to Mom and Dad. They know I’m pansexual, Luke. Dad knows I’ve scened with men. I can’t imagine he’d get upset that you’re gay.”

  “No. But that might give him another excuse to keep me here.”

  Ryan winced. His brother had a point. Submissive gay male who was planning on being ‘out’. Yeah. Their father’s protective instincts would kick in. Hell. Ryan was fighting with his own desire to protect his brother. “When do you head out?”

  “Third week of August. I’ve still got almost two months.” Luke wrinkled his nose. “I’m going stir crazy. At least Mom’s talking about the two of us heading to Seattle next month for a couple days to do some shopping. That will get me out of here.”

  “Did you get into the major you wanted?” It was shocking to realize he’d been so busy with other things that he hadn’t found out the basics about Luke’s schooling. Ryan felt bad he had let his brother down.

  “Yep. They accepted me and all my credits, thankfully. So I’m entering as a junior in Environmental Studies and my minor is going to be in Non-profit and Public Administration.”

  “I can see it,” Ryan teased. “In a few years you’ll run for president with the environment as your platform.”

  “Yeah right.” Luke rolled his eyes. “That’s a job I’d never want—too high stress. But I’d love to work for a non-profit helping the environment. That would be awesome.”

  By the time Ryan left to go meet Alexis for lunch, he felt better about the situation with his brother. While he was nervous about him being so far away, he felt the school Luke was going to would help give him some stability. Plus he’d have a couple years to try and figure out a way to get Luke nearer to the island. After all, the peninsula’s environment needed tending too.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  With a groan, Alexis stood up and stretched her back. Work was, well, hard. Picking a person’s pocket might have made her feel guilty, but it didn’t leave her aching. Of course, part of her ache was due to Ryan spanking her the night before. She had lied. It was just a tiny one. Microscopic. Anyone else would have overlooked it. He did not. And he’d spanked her harder than the first time. Alexis reached back and rubbed her bottom. It wasn’t sore, per se. But if she moved, she felt it.

  There was a lot of movement when it came to cleaning
the cabins. While she had Monday and Tuesday off to spend with Ryan, and worked at the Faire Thursday through Sunday, she still had to clean the cabins every Wednesday. Thankfully, her birth certificate had been found and she now had a state ID with her name and picture on it. Also, she’d applied for a social security number. It felt odd. And crazy. One of the guys she used to know had made the comment that one of the best parts of living the streets was the fact they were outside of governmental influence.

  The government now had her name and an address for her. It kind of gave her the creeps.

  With four of the ten cabins now spotless, she glanced at her phone. Almost five o’clock. She’d start on the fifth one next week.

  Sometimes she wondered if she shouldn’t start picking pockets again. Save up more money. Nobody would ever know. And it would make her more money than cleaning and delivering food parcels. Then she’d look at or think about Ryan and know she couldn’t do it. Not while she was with him. She wanted to be a better person because of him. But sometimes she wondered if it was all a dream. Could she keep it up? One third of the summer was gone. In two months, she would be back to picking pockets and—No. She wouldn’t sell her body again. Not after finding out what sex was like with someone she loved.

  How she loved it when Ryan touched her. Even when he fucked her hard, she could tell he would never harm her.

  In two months, she would leave the island and never see him again. Luke had asked Ryan to come to school with him. She wished he would. She would go to there to be with him. She had an ID now. Surely she could get a decent job to help pay for rent.

  “Yeah, right, Alexis,” she said with a snort. “What are you going to do? Clean motel rooms? Who’s going to hire you?” She’d probably fall back on stealing and Ryan would not put up with that. He was amazingly strict on the concept of honesty. His voice would drop to that register that told her she’d screwed up. But he never stayed angry. In fact, he never got angry at all. Firm, yes. And disappointed. But never angry. As soon as he tanned her hide, whatever rule she’d broken was forgiven. Which was such an amazing, freeing thing. She wasn’t sure she fully understood it yet.