Beautifully Damaged

by Gina Sevani

  Please don't hurt me.

  Sean sat down on an empty bar stool and started flirting shamelessly with Trish. I could see Trish watching me out the corner of my eye. Before Damon could bend down and place his lips against my own, I backed away. It hurt; it hurt me so much to reject him.

  "Hand me your phone." My voice quivered.

  "My phone?" he asked, and seemed confused.

  "I didn't stutter. Your phone!"

  "Or you could just do that," Trish said and rolled her eyes.

  Damon's eyebrows pinched as he looked me over with an unreadable expression. He reached in his jeans and placed his phone in the palm of my hand like he had no problem doing so. It was password protected.

  "0621, what’s wrong?”

  I was a woman on a mission; I didn't care to respond. I punched in the code and swiped over to his contacts. I didn't like invading his stuff and I felt terrible about it. At the same time a part of me felt like I had every right. I could argue with myself about it later. I searched for her name which took entirely too long. Reason being because he had tons of contacts; mostly female. I looked up into those beautiful blue eyes right before I reached the Ms.

  "What are you looking for babe?"

  "Hopefully, nothing." But there it was staring right back at me. How a simple phone number could send a dagger straight through my heart I had no clue. Damon had no reason having all those numbers in his phone still unless he wanted a girl on the side or he thought things wouldn't work out with us in the future. He had lied and said he only wanted me. I guess this was what betrayal felt like. It stung like a bitch. My eyes grew teary as I handed him back his phone and I overheard Trish as she mumbled a list of profanities.

  "It's slow, Ariel, why don't you call it a night?" Trish said.

  "No, I'm fine." I jerked the drinks from the counter and walked past Damon toward the table that had been waiting on me. I managed to smile and deliver the drinks. I had to walk by the bar on a few occasions and Damon would try and stop me. I ignored him and pushed on.

  When I came into the kitchen with a full tray Damon was directly in my path. His stance was wide and his arms were crossed. He looked pissed. Well, he had no reason. I was the one who was furious and I had every right.

  "What's your problem?"

  "Move!"

  "What did I do?" Damon asked me.

  "I said move." Damon didn't budge so I shouldered past him. He could seriously kiss my ass. We were closing in about thirty minutes or so and only a handful of customers were left. Hopefully I was placing my last drink order from the bar because I didn't want to be in the vicinity of Damon for a minute longer than necessary. It didn't appear that he or Sean were drinking. Trish kept a watchful eye on me as I stood there waiting on her to help Izzy before walking over.

  "What did I do, Ariel?" Damon's voice held a softer tone than when he asked a few minutes earlier.

  "It's more like who you did from what I heard." Trish said angrily. Damon looked shocked as hell, his eyes narrowed in on her then over toward me.

  "What the hell are you talking about, Trish?" He asked but kept his eyes on me. She rolled her eyes and turned her back on him.

  "Ariel, what's going on?" He looked so innocent. It was total BS.

  "You were with someone last night," I stated coolly.

  His eyes grew wide. "The hell I was."

  "Whatever, everything you ever said to me was a lie, and it was total bullshit. You played me." My voice rose the longer I spoke. Damon stepped toward me and reached for my hand. I backed away with every one of his steps.

  "I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about and this accusation is starting to piss me off."

  "Drinks are ready," Trish said. I reached for them, quickly walked away, and dropped them off. I leaned on a wall in the back for support while I got myself under control. My heart was going to beat out of my chest at any moment. I was so angry. My adrenaline was spiked but somehow my knees felt weak. I stared at the bar to see Damon and Sean hunched over his phone while Trish appeared to be yelling and pointing at the phone. Damon stood up so fast his bar stool fell backward. I knew his next move before he even made it. He was coming for me. When all I wanted was to duck and hide, I stood tall. I never took shit off anyone and I wasn't about to start. Damon stormed his way toward me, he looked angry, but I saw something else there too. Fear perhaps.

  "I didn't do anything with that girl, Ariel. I don't care what she said."

  "Why do you have her number in your phone?"

  His shoulders tensed as he closed his eyes. "I don't know."

  "Come again?" He had to be joking, that was his answer. He simply shrugged his shoulders like we were talking about the freaking weather.

  "Wow. That's great." I walked past him for what felt like the tenth time.

  "Stop walking away when I'm trying to talk—"

  "Well maybe you should actually say some shit that's worth hearing," I yelled.

  My tables paid their tabs and left. Izzy was finishing up her last one and we could all call it a night. I overheard Sean telling Trish that Damon wouldn't touch another girl. Please, that's like bro code or something. I was done with this entire topic of conversation for tonight or any night. I was super proud of myself for not bailing out at work. I knew the moment I drove off I would release everything I was holding in and that was fine with me. I just wanted to get out of here first. I needed to be alone.

  "Who showed her?" I heard Damon ask Trish when I walked up behind them. She looked over his shoulder at me apologetically but didn't respond.

  "Wait, Ariel. You don't have Facebook, so who showed you?"

  "I don't have to answer that and besides it doesn't matter who showed me."

  "It matters to me."

  "I don't matter to you, how could it?"

  He squeezed his phone so hard I thought it would break into pieces.

  "He wouldn't hurt you," Sean said throwing his two cents in. He was aggravated, but I didn't care. I thought the world of Sean but this had nothing to do with him. Damon held up his hand to quiet his friend.

  "I haven't been with anyone since the night I first talked to you. I would never hurt you Ariel."

  "That's sweet, Damon. Do you say the same things to Monica?"

  "Shit, Ariel. I haven't cheated on you!"

  "You've called or texted every night, except last night."

  "It doesn't matter what I say, you're going to believe what you want." He was a master at lying. I walked toward him and stood so I was right in his face.

  "You made a fragile messed up girl that had sworn off any type of love fall for you. God, I was such a fool. I should have never let you close enough to hurt me. If you have ever cared anything for me, anything at all, you will leave me alone. Stay away from me so I'm not constantly reminded of the fool that I am. I believe that's the least you could do. Just GO!"

  "I didn't do…"

  "DAMON, did you hear anything I just said?" My voice quivered, my hands shook, and my eyes grew misty.

  "Yeah, I heard you." Damon looked sad as he backed away from me. I closed my eyes tight as I saw him turn for the door.

  "Ariel, I'm here if you need me," Trish whispered.

  "Thank you for having my back tonight. I think I will just head home if you think you guys can close."

  "Anytime. Go ahead, get out of here."

  When I started the ignition I noticed something sitting on my front window up under the wiper blades. I rolled down my window and tried reaching for it without having to step out of the truck. It didn't work. I huffed and puffed sounding like a child as I opened the door. I stormed the three feet it took me and snatched off the note that was placed there. A red rose fell to my feet. I knew it was from Damon. He must have placed it on my truck when he first got there. The tears I held in all night stung my eyes before they finally fell down my face one by one. I fisted the note in my hand and threw the crumbled piece of paper in the seat beside me, along with the rose.
Don't be stupid Ariel, he doesn't care for you.

  "He's a player. He doesn't feel anything for me," I whispered. I rolled down my window and let fresh air blow through my hair on my short drive home. The night air smelled amazing but did nothing for my mood.

  Grams was awake watching reruns on the television when I walked in. Luckily, the lights were out, and I was able to avoid her seeing me when I told her good night. I cried into my pillow for hours arguing with myself on what I felt for him and what I thought he felt for me. Memories of us played through my mind. Everything seemed so real, pure even. I guess that's the difference between regular liars and ones that have mastered the skill.

  I would have believed anything he said. When he looked into my eyes, I felt like he was looking into my soul and I was seeing his in return. That's what hurts the most. Seeing how wrong I was about him.

  Then I remembered the rose and the note and my curiosity overcame me. I took the note out of my truck, and found myself at 3 a.m. sitting on my doorstep under the porch light. I held the unread note for at least twenty minutes before I caved. Finally I unfolded it, spread it across my knee, and tried to get all of the wrinkles out.

  If I die tonight without seeing all the beautiful places in the world…that would be fine by me. Although anything less than an eternity with you sounds cruel. I'm already a blessed man for seeing the most beautiful and incredible sight this world has to offer. YOU!

  He signed it Romeo. I read it over more times than I cared to admit as I watched the stars in the dark sky. His words were beautiful. Unfortunately for him, truth or lies was a game I wanted no part in.

  A few days passed with no sign of Damon. I hated to admit the amount of tears I cried over him. He actually cancelled with Big Joe on what was supposed to be a big night of theirs. I felt guilty, which in return pissed me off that I felt some remorse, but it wasn't for him. It was for Sean and Travis. It wasn't fair that they had to suffer as well. I could tell from the curious looks Big Joe had given me a few times that he heard something but was hesitant to ask personal questions. However, Xavier didn't have that trait. I really did like him but if he asked me one more time what happened that night I was gonna go off on him. Even after getting hurt by Damon I wouldn't seek comfort in Xavier's arms or anyone else's. I'm just not that type of girl and I don't think I could use someone like that anyway.

  I WORKED A LOT of hours the past two weeks and had a few nights off. I spent most of my time trying to write a new song and do some much needed laundry. I chewed on the tip of my pen and begged my brain to function the way I needed it. I could hear my phone ringing but couldn't find where I placed it. I had mountains of folded laundry on my bed that I hadn't put away yet.

  Where the hell is it?

  "Hello?" I said, breathless.

  "Ariel, Ariel."

  "Trish?"

  "Can you hear me? SHUT UP, asshole, I'm on the phone."

  Yup definitely Trish. "Is everything okay?"

  "We need to talk."

  "Well yeah, I get that. Why else would you call me?"

  "Smartass. Listen it's important, can you come here?"

  "Can't we just do this over the phone? What's so important?"

  "It's Damon. They decided to play tonight and, well Ariel I talked with him earlier. He wasn't lying."

  "Whatever. You just need to let it go, all right? I need to get over him, and I can't do that constantly talking about him. I know you mean well but…"

  "I will never ask you for anything. You've been a walking zombie, you're miserable. Just hear me out please. Just ten minutes of your time, and you can leave. I don't want to get into this over the phone. I'll take a quick break when you walk in. Meet me in the break room. Hurry up, I have to go."

  Shit, did she just hang up on me? She hung up. I threw the phone on the bed and stared at myself in my dresser mirror.

  "I'm not going. I don't care what she says." Stop talking to yourself. Are you eighty?

  If this wasn't about Damon, I would have totally been in my truck headed to hear her out. I wouldn't leave her hanging ever, but seeing him was the last thing on my agenda until I got a little bit stronger. I didn't like that I felt so much for him when I wanted to hate him. No wait, hate was a powerful emotion. I didn't want to feel anything. I wanted to be able to look him straight in the eye and feel nothing; absolutely nothing. I wanted to erase every single memory. I rested against the pillows on my bed, placed the ear plugs in my ears, turned my iPod on and closed my eyes. Jessie J sang about nobody being perfect. Damn it all to hell. Screw it, what else could it possibly hurt? I was going. I thought about changing but Trish was waiting on me and I had already wasted time thinking it over.

  WHEN I WALKED INTO Dalton's I went straight for the bar, made eye contact with Trish, and kept walking. I didn't want anyone to see me so I waited for her in the break room. I paced back and forth wondering what she had to say that was so important. She came running through the door.

  "I need you to hear me out before running out of here like I'm a crazy person. Okay?"

  "Fine. You have five minutes."

  "Ten. I said ten," she whined.

  "All right, princess, you can have ten." I smiled.

  "I don't think he was lying." My facial expression must have told her she should have started off with something else.

  "Listen, please this is for your own good. I may not be great at reading people in general, but one thing I know for certain is a man's true feelings. I know when a man is telling the truth. It's in their eyes." She was the one pacing now while I stood still and tried to figure out where she was going with this.

  "I talked with him for a long time. The only reason he even left you alone all this time was because he wanted you to believe him on your own terms. He wanted you to listen to your own heart and know without a doubt that he would never hurt you. He said his feelings didn't matter, the only thing that did was you, and how you felt. Ariel, he's a mess. Listening to that man talk about you is like listening to a sweet love song. His words are like music to my ears."

  "Maybe you should get in line after Monica," I snapped.

  She smiled as she shook her head. "The love you guys have could be ridiculously epic or if you fight it for too long it might just destroy everything in its path. It's that powerful, Ariel. Now you have to choose. Honey, that man already has and he chose you. Don't be a fool and let something so good pass you by. Fight for it or I swear to you that you will live to regret it. You don't have to believe me. Find out for yourself, that's the best way anyway. You want the truth, look into his eyes. Actually ask for it this time."

  I collapsed onto the bench. I felt weighed down with all of the emotions that surrounded me. Trish made me see what I already knew all along. I was terrified at letting someone in because I was terrified of losing that person. I allowed Damon to get closer than anyone ever had. I remembered the last time we spoke. My chest literally ached from seeing the truth. The wind was knocked out of me as my brain and heart finally connected.

  "Oh, my God! Trish you're right. It was in his eyes the night I accused him."

  "Yeah, well I wasn't always so great at it. Dalton lied for years before I started seeing the truth."

  Who the heck is Dalton? "Dalton?"

  "Dalton was Chloe and Conner's father. He passed away a few years ago."

  "I'm so sorry Trish. I thought their Dad just wasn't around for them."

  "Well to be honest, he wasn't much of a boyfriend or a father."

  She started walking back toward the door. "Wait, Dalton's?" I pointed around us to the building that we were in.

  "He was Joe's best friend. Now, that was something he was great at." Trish's smile was weak. I watched her turn and head for the door.

  Holy hell, now that explained a lot. Big Joe would never disclose the meaning of why he named his place Dalton's. Also made sense why he and Trish never took their relationship further. If she is as good as seeing the truth in a man's eyes as she thought, th
en she already knew how Big Joe felt about her.

  My head was going to explode from everything that had surfaced tonight. I had to figure out what I was going to do about Damon. I also couldn't get my mind off Trish, I felt for her. Then I thought about Big Joe. I know he cared a lot for Trish. His face lit up every time she was around. I should talk with him about her; after all he came to me about Damon. I sat quietly for a long time contemplating my next move. It was late and Dalton's would be closing shortly.

  I heard the raindrops before I saw them as they landed against the small window. I loved the rain. My old friends used to run through it to get inside as quickly as possible; I would stop just so I could feel it against my skin. They would laugh and call me crazy. There's something about the way it smells, the feel of the moisture against my face. It was almost cleansing somehow, like if it tried hard enough it could wash all the bad stuff away. I peeked out the window, it was only a drizzle for now. I saw the light cast down on the pier outside and suddenly knew my next move. I wanted to feel — smell — the rain.

  I made sure my phone was zipped up in a tiny compartment inside my purse so it wouldn't get wet and made my way out of the break room. I knew the crowd would be dwindling down fast. I didn't know how many people were still there but I still didn't want anyone to see me. I had a hoodie in my locker, so I backtracked and put it over my tank top. I pulled the hood over my head and smiled at my slyness. Right about the time I stepped away from the break room Trish walked by.

  "Fight or flight, choose wisely, Ariel."

  When did she become so poetic? Once the door banged shut behind me, I stopped and breathed in the fresh earthy aroma of rain. It almost smelled sweet. I walked halfway toward the pier and stopped. Spreading my arms wide I looked up to the sky.