Unglued (Holding On)

by Rachael Brownell

“Becca will be all right. She’s a little shaken but she’s physically fine. It’s Natalie.” You can hear the pain in his voice as the words slowly make their way to the surface.

  “What’s going on?” I’m scared to ask but I need to know.

  “Becca found her passed out on the floor of her laundry room yesterday. They rushed her to the hospital because she was bleeding from her head and barely had a pulse. I met Becca at the hospital last night but Morgan told us to go home, get some rest and that he would keep us posted. Becca woke me up just before midnight after getting a text from Morgan saying that we needed to come back up there right away.” I hear him take a deep breath. When he doesn’t continue right away I have to start asking questions.

  “What else did he say? Why didn’t anyone call me yesterday?” I’m angry. Of everything he just told me the one thing that stood out was that Becca woke him up which means that he slept over at her place. I know this should be the least of my concerns right now but it’s all that stands out.

  “It all happened so fast. I was planning on calling you this morning and letting you know what was going on. I figured if Morgan sent us home that she was going to be okay and that waking you up wasn’t necessary.” You can hear how sleep deprived he is.

  “So...” I drag the word out, waiting for him to give me more information but he’s mute. Something bigger is going on and I need to know. “What’s the prognosis right now then?”

  He clears his throat. “There about to take her into surgery right now. She has a brain tumor.”

  He’s speaking so low that I almost didn’t hear him but when his words finally register I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. It takes me a second but my brain finally kicks into gear. Holy Crap!

  “I’m on my way. My plane takes off in a few hours so I will be there by morning. Can you still pick me up from the airport?” I’m pulling my suitcase towards the living room and searching for my keys at the same time. I have to get home. I was planning on coming home today anyway. Natalie told me to wait until after the package arrive to come home. It was there so now I was supposed to follow. That was our plan.

  He hasn’t answered me and it’s almost as if I can hear the wheels turning. I take a deep breath and then another and he still hasn’t said anything. I look down to make sure I didn’t drop the call. He’s still there. I’m about to ask him again if he’ll pick me up when I hear him blow out a frustrated breath before finally speaking.

  “No. I think you need to stay there for now. There’s nothing you can do here. If Becca see’s you now then all of our planning will be pointless. She needs to open that package. She needs to make the decision. If you show up here now... it will all have been pointless.” I know that he’s right but just the thought of Becca going through all of this alone angers me. I punch the wall next to me and instantly feel slightly better. “Take it easy man. Putting a few holes in your wall is not going to make you feel better right now. Let’s wait to hear from the doctors after the surgery. I will call you back and if you still feel like you need to come home then I will make sure that you have a ride from the airport.”

  “Okay but I hope you realize that I don’t plan on sitting around here forever. If she needs me then I will be there in a heartbeat.”

  “I know that and deep down I’m sure that she knows that. I have to let you go. I’ll call you later and fill you in on what’s going on.”

  “Okay. Thanks man. Give our girl a big huge for me.” Did I just say “our girl”? Crap!

  “Will do.”

  He disconnects our call and I fall down in the chair behind me. I let my head fall into my hands and close my eyes for just a few minutes. I need to get my head back on straight before I see her. We’ve been working on this plan for two month. I can’t let my temper, or my emotions, blow it for me now.

  Natalie told me that this would work. She said that all I had to do was to send the portraits that Becca purchased while she was here to her house and that she would set the wheels in motion. She was supposed to make sure that Becca opened them. She was supposed to make sure that Becca didn’t emotionally break down.

  None of that happened. That’s probably why it’s best that I stay here right now. Without that part of the plan happening first, everything after will have to happen differently. I need to come up with a backup plan, one that didn’t include help from Natalie since it sounds like she’s going to be in the hospital for a while.

  I’m racking my brain, wondering what more I can do. I included a second portrait in the package, something I didn’t even tell Natalie about. I took the picture when she was at the gallery and it captured every raw emotion she was feeling at the time. It was stunning. I was hoping that if she saw it she would realize how much she still loved me. If she doesn’t open the package then I will never know.

  I’m still racking my brain and willing my phone to ring hours later when it finally does and when Brad’s number flashes across the screen my body goes on high alert.

  “Hey man. I just talked to Morgan. I guess the surgery went well. He said that Becca is on her way home for a while. I’m going to meet her there to make sure she’s gets some rest. We can’t go in to see Natalie until she’s awake.”

  “Alright well keep me posted. How is she?” I know the answer to my own question but I need to hear it from him.

  “She’s a mess but she’s managing. Like I said, Morgan sent her home to rest. She’s exhausted. As soon as I know more then I will give you a call.” He’s holding back something. You can hear it in his voice. I almost ask but my fear of knowing the answer keeps me from speaking.

  I try to sleep but thoughts of Becca and Natalie keep my brain working in overdrive. It was after midnight here when I talked to Brad and now it’s close to five and I still haven’t fallen asleep. I give up. I crawl out of bed, start a pot of coffee and jump in the shower. I need to keep moving or else I was going to fall apart.

  Goosebumps cover my arms and the hair on the back of my neck stands up only seconds before my phone starts ringing. I answer it without looking at the caller ID, knowing that whoever is calling me is calling with bad news.

  The only thing that I heard was “coma”. Nothing else sank in. I need to go home. I need to be there for my friends. I need to be there for Becca. Brad thinks I need to stay here, to give it more time. I know that he’s probably right and that pisses me off even more.

  I hang up on him before he can hear me put another hole in my wall. Why is this happening to us? Haven’t we all been through enough? Natalie has been the glue that has been holding me together, holding Becca together, these last few months. She’s shared her goodness with the world time and time again. She doesn’t deserve this.

  I sleep very little that night, if at all. I remember watching the hours tick by, thoughts of Natalie and Becca floating through my mind. I prayed for the first time in a long time. I prayed for Natalie to get better. I prayed for Becca to be able to hold it together without me by her side. I prayed that this wouldn’t drive her back into Brad’s arms even though I knew that right now that they were probably wrapped around each other. It was almost as if I could feel her soul crying.

  I was surprised when my phone rang five very long days later and Natalie was on the other end of the line. I cried. The sound of her voice was such a huge relief for me that every emotion that I had been keeping bottled up was let loose the second she spoke.

  We talked for only a few minutes but it made my heart lighter. She kept telling me over and over again that she was going to be fine. The more she said it the more I wanted to believe her but the less I did. Natalie had never been very good at lying. She was either trying to convince me or herself. Either way, it wasn’t working so I finally had to call her out.

  “I’m glad you’re feeling better but you need to realize that everything is not alright. Listen to yourself for a second. You’re trying to convince yourself that you are going to be fine. What are the doctors saying?”

&n
bsp; She was quiet for a second. I knew my words were somewhat harsh but no one else was about to call her out on her line of bull.

  “They keep telling me that as long as I keep fighting that I have a chance. I won’t let them talk to my parents or to Morgan anymore. They keep scaring the crap out of them.” You can hear how angry she is. Good! Let her be angry. Maybe she’ll use that anger to motivate her.

  “That’s because this is scary for all of us. None of us want to lose you.”

  “Well, I don’t plan on going anywhere without a fight so you’re not rid of me just yet.”

  “Don’t say stuff like that. It’s not funny.” I’m yelling. I shouldn’t be yelling but the way she said it... like it was no big deal. That just set me off.

  “Listen Ethan. I need it to be funny. I need to keep my emotions in check and to keep things light. If I don’t then I might fall apart and I can’t do that right now. I need to be the strong one; for me, for Morgan, for everyone. If I don’t put on a brave face then their pity will break me down and I don’t know what I will do. This is so much bigger than what everyone thinks. So, it might not be funny but it’s what’s keeping me going right now. I know that in the end that I probably won’t make it but for right now I need it to be funny so that I can keep fighting, so that I can keep a positive outlook. If you don’t like it then you can hang up.” You can hear the anger in her voice escalate. It’s over powering all the other emotions that are trying to break through.

  She called me every few days. You could hear the bitterness in her voice growing. She had started to sound less like the friend that I knew and had grown to love and more like the bitter person that I had expected the first time I talked to her. I was concerned, especially after she told me that she had started to push people away, but I also knew that I couldn’t do much about it.

  Her calls were like clockwork. My phone rang at the same time every three or four days. When she didn’t call after five days I knew that she was taking a turn for the worse. She never wanted to talk about what was happening with her. We’d talk about things that weren’t important. We’d reminisce about high school. We’d talk about our plan to get Becca and I back together. We never talked about her.

  The day I realized that she hadn’t called was the same day I got a letter from her in the mail. At first I just thought that it was odd that she was writing me a letter. Why? What is the point of writing someone a letter these days when you can just call them or email or even text? Letters are so old fashion.

  That’s what I was thinking before I read what she wrote.

  Ethan,

  I know that you’re probably pretty surprised to be getting a hand written letter from me but there is a reason behind all of this. You and I have always been frank with each other and this letter is going to be no different. This is my good bye letter to you in a way.

  I talked to the doctors yesterday and no matter what they say I know that I am not going to be able to beat this. If I’m wrong then great but, just in case, I’m writing letters to everyone who’s important to me. I’m starting with you.

  We’ve shared a lot of memories over the last few weeks and there was a reason for that. I needed to remember the good times because what lies ahead is not going to be easy. Not for me and not for anyone else. I need for you to help them all remember those good times.

  I’m inclosing another letter in here that I need for you to deliver for me. It’s important that you do this for me and since you can’t really argue with me then I’m going to assume that you are agreeing to this. It’s my eulogy. I need for you to stand up and read it to all of our friends and family. (Thanks)

  As for our situation with you Becca... Here’s my plan, because you know that I have to have at least a little bit of control of this situation. When the day comes, if the day comes, that I leave this place... Brad is going to call you and let you know. ONLY then are you allowed to get on a plane and come home. I know you are going to want to pack up right now and get on a plane and I’m asking you not to. Please.

  Here’s why... Becca is going to get a letter too and you know that she will need you there when she opens it. She’ll need both of you. I have a feeling that she probably won’t open it until either right before or right after the funeral. She won’t have the strength to deal with it until then. She’ll need you to help her find that strength.

  You are her one and only, the one she is meant to be with for the rest of her life. She already knows this she just need to realize it and stop allowing herself to doubt everything. My letter will help but your presence will force her to make that decision. I’m pretty sure that at this point she hasn’t opened your package. It’s probably still sitting in my living room. That will help push her over the edge as well. Make sure she opens it.

  This is it. Your chance to fix everything. As much as I had planned on being there to help you both I know that I won’t be able to be. For that I’m sorry. I love you both so much. I need you to know that.

  Please don’t call me. I know are that you probably reaching for your phone right now and just the thought of talking to you, knowing that you’ve read this letter... well, I just can’t stand that thought. It’s too painful. So, put the phone down. Let this letter be the last conversation we have, as much as that sucks.

  I love you Ethan. I always have in one way or another. What I love the most about you is the fact that when you love someone, you love then with your whole heart and nothing less. You give all of yourself to that person, heart and soul. That’s the one thing we have always had in common. Make sure you never change that. Becca deserves all of you, the good and the bad.

  Take care of my best friends.

  Natalie

  I clutched the letter in my hand for hours while I cried. I cried for Natalie. I cried for Becca and Morgan. I cried for Natalie’s parents. I even cried for Brad. Most of all I cried for myself. I knew that I wouldn’t see her again. I knew that I wouldn’t talk to her again. I wouldn’t have my opportunity to see her one last time, to say my good bye. I was going to respect her wishes and not call her and make this harder for her than it had to be. So I cried and let every emotion that I had been bottling up for the last six month out.