Double Bind

by Karen Bell

  ‘Yes and no. He often had women with him but not always, and never the same one twice. Could have been girlfriends but my guess would be high-class call girls more likely. Can’t be sure, he was a good-looking asshole, you know, the player type. I wouldn’t let my sister near him, but then there’s no accounting for taste is there?

  Sometimes he’d take a room overnight, sometimes not, but he always paid cash. No credit cards, even used cash for security deposits in the hotel.’

  Selfish bastard. Ryan doubted that Mila knew any of this and he hung up the phone deep in thought. Robert might have been banned from the big casinos but there was no guarantee he hadn’t found private gaming rooms or even headed overseas. Hell, you could gamble 24/7 online nowadays. There was even a gaming site called something like Bet 365. It was disgusting. It really didn’t matter now how Mila’s husband had blown the money. The son-of-a-bitch was dead and the damage was done.

  He looked at his watch, knowing that he ought to be getting back to his real job and the task at hand but he couldn’t resist making one more call.

  ‘Hi Papa, it’s me.’

  ‘Ryan, stranger. Why haven’t we seen you for lunch this week? Irina was just saying she misses you. She has no one to give the left-overs to.’

  ‘Sorry. I meant to call sooner and Jack and I have been missing you too but I‘ve been working out of a different office this last week and it looks like it will be a couple more weeks till I’m back.’ Ryan didn’t want to say it was the AFP office because he knew it would set alarm bells ringing and he didn’t want Mihael and Irina to worry about him.

  ‘Not drug squad I hope.’

  Ryan winced. ‘No just training and boring administrative stuff.’ He hated lying, but worrying them was worse.

  ‘I have an obscure question for you Papa. You know my friend Mila who I brought in the other night?’

  ‘Of course, the daughter of Korovins. We were hoping by now she is more than a friend.’

  Ryan ignored the hint and continued ‘Yes exactly. I was actually ringing more about the parents than about Mila.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘Well, I was wondering if you can recall the date of the funeral and if the accident seemed strange to you at the time?’

  ‘Why? Do you not think it was an accident?’

  ‘Well let’s not jump the gun here. I didn’t say that.’

  ‘But your hunches are always right. I knew it. Alexi Korovin was a particular kind of person. I would say that of anyone I know, he would keep his car in perfect order. He was an engineer and his car was one of his passions.’

  ‘Back up a minute. I haven’t even looked into the cause yet. That’s why I wanted to know when they died so I can do some digging. I can’t really ask Mila. But you’re saying it was mechanical?’

  ‘Well, they suspected mechanical failure or falling asleep at the wheel – I never heard which one they settled on but I didn’t go for either explanation. If you hold on, I’ll get my old diary for that year. I have a fair idea but I’d have to look it up to be sure. The funeral was a few days after the accident because I know he was on life support for forty-eight hours before he passed away. Hold on.’

  How awful for Mila, thought Ryan as he waited for Mihael to return. Did he really want to go down this road of enquiry? Was there anything to be gained by it? Robert was already dead and even if he turned out to be in some way involved, Ryan would never allow Mila or her daughter to learn the truth. And yet the investigator in him wanted to know. If he was honest with himself, Ryan the man, who was falling for Mila, wanted to know too.

  Mihael returned to the phone ‘The funeral was February 10, 2012, but I believe the accident was on the Sunday before, which would have been the fifth.’

  ‘Do you remember any more about the circumstances of the accident?’

  ‘Only what I heard at the funeral. Apparently they were doing the same trip that they did every month down to Wollongong to visit an old friend when it happened. Same stretch of road they’d taken for ten years.’

  ‘He was getting on; maybe he did just have a micro sleep. On a downhill drive it wouldn’t take much to pick up speed and lose control.’

  ‘No. Not Alexi. He did everything the same way he played chess – carefully and with exacting perfection. I never ever saw him tired, even after many hours of concentration and I remember him telling me once that he only needed to sleep for a few hours each night. I mean, knowing the sort of man that he was, neither of those suggestions ever added up for me.’

  ‘Is it possible that his wife was driving?’

  ‘No, she was killed instantly when they hit the concrete barrier. They were both still in their seats apparently when the ambulance arrived.’

  ‘How do you know all this?’

  ‘You know, people at funerals, they talk.’

  ‘Okay thanks Pa, sorry to make you re-live it. I hope I’m wrong on this and please don’t mention the reason for my call to Mama’.

  ‘Of course not. Let me know what you find out. And bring Mila again for dinner.’

  ‘Okay, will do.’ Ryan had just lied twice in one conversation. Not his preferred modus operandi. He hoped he would be able to get back to Mihael in a few days confirming that it was just a terrible accident but his radar for the implausible was flashing like a beacon.

  He was in no doubt that an older vehicle like theirs would have been written off but he wondered what sort of forensics had been carried out before it was destroyed. Assuming there was a mechanical report, he had every intention of looking further into it.

  One more call turned into two as Ryan dialled again. It helped to have friends in high places. He enjoyed connecting with people and seemed to have made friends wherever he’d gone in life, the Police Records Department being no exception. He stressed that this was not urgent, but Sally Pierce at the other end of the line promised she would have answers for him in just a few short hours.

  Sally always found herself blushing when Sergeant Ryan Blake called. She checked the bottom drawer for her emergency make-up kit and hoped he might drop by to collect the records in person. It had been an otherwise boring day.

  ###

  After her visit with the solicitor, Mila was really in no mood for lunch but she’d put on a brave face for her meeting with Adie just two hours later. She had thought to postpone, but she really wanted to keep the whole of the following day free for preparations and rehearsal. She had to keep Sunday open too, just in case, and she knew that Adie would not be put off until the following week.

  ‘So you’ve slept with him – biblically,’ her friend blurted in less than hushed tones barely seconds after the waiter had delivered their menus.

  ‘Yes,’ Mila admitted. ‘Twice.’ She could hear the happiness in her own voice as she recalled it.

  ‘Twice,’ Adie confirmed, looking just a little impressed. ‘And?’

  ‘And… it was unbelievable, amazing. I never knew what I’ve been missing all these years.’

  ‘You’ve never had an orgasm before?’

  ‘Shh! Yes, of course I had,’ she blushed ‘but they were mechanical, or almost in-spite-of the way I was feeling in my relationship with Robert. It was as though I resented my body for reacting, when emotionally and mentally I was so absent. I don’t even want to think of my experiences with Robert and those with Ryan in the same thought. I don’t want to spoil it by making any comparisons.’

  ‘And you haven’t had any unexpected reactions like the one on the boat?’ Adie was not sugar coating anything.

  ‘Well no. It was just so seamless both times. With Ryan it’s as though making love is just a natural progression from all other intimacy. I just feel really safe and comfortable with him. Without it being boring,’ she was quick to add.

  It was far from boring. What he’d done almost intuitively, defied belief. She couldn’t begin to describe it, but if it had to be compared to anything, she could only think of a sublime violin concerto being played by a vi
rtuoso on the most finely tuned instrument in the world. Oh you’ve got it bad Mila. Keep that one to yourself.

  ‘Well I’m just thrilled for you,’ said her friend genuinely.

  ‘I think when I was in that terrible place with Robert, I learned how to switch off. I’m not saying that it didn’t affect me. Of course it did. I feel damaged in so many ways, but so far, it hasn’t been an issue with Ryan. Mila wasn’t about to divulge all the dark thoughts that had followed her into his bed and invaded her slumber.

  ‘Have you shared anything with him about your past?’

  ‘Just superficially. But if his reaction was anything to go by, I won’t be telling him any more.’

  ‘Why? What did he say?’

  ‘Very little but he didn’t have to. I could practically see the steam coming from his ears.’

  ‘He sounds like a good man. You deserve for this to have happened.’

  Mila didn’t feel deserving. Part of her was petrified that he would disappear from her life as unexpectedly as he’d arrived. He could have his choice of women, she was sure of that, someone younger, with a career and an education and no baggage for a start. It gave Mila a physical pang to think about it and she changed the subject.

  ‘So, speaking of good men, what do you hear from yours?’ She was referring to Adie’s son Daniel who was travelling around South America on his own.

  ‘Oh my God, I am sleepless most nights. One minute he’s climbing mountains in the Andes and the next he’s lost in the Favellas somewhere under the influence of I don’t know who or what. So much for going straight to the bosom of his Colombian family, I don’t hear from him for days or weeks on end and neither do they.’

  ‘Oh, you poor thing. It’s a mother’s scourge. He’s a citizen of the world, that one.’

  ‘And to think we brought him up that way. It’s what we thought we wanted for him - confidence, self-reliance. Now I wish that citizen would just come home and realize that for fifteen years he’s been madly in love with your daughter!’

  ‘If wishes were pennies we’d both be rich.’

  ‘I liked it better when parents arranged marriages for their children.’

  ‘Would your parents have approved of Carlos?’

  ‘Are you kidding me? Hell no. They practically disowned me. It’s taken twenty years for him to prove himself to them. Why do you think we came to Australia in the first place?’

  ‘There’s no accounting for affairs of the heart. A man can look perfect on paper and still not add up. Look at Robert. Good family, well educated, outgoing.’ Mila hadn’t meant to bring Robert back into the conversation.

  ‘I could have told you accountants are not known for making great lovers.’

  ‘But they are meant to make decent husbands.’ They both laughed, but Mila’s was less than half-hearted.

  ‘So for a woman who’s just discovered real love and lust for the first time in her life, you seem just a little flat.’

  There was no side-stepping Adie’s well-honed archaeological skills and Mila took a deep breath.

  ‘It’s not about Ryan; it’s about Robert and the legacy of debt he’s left to me and Holly. It turns out that the house, which he generously left in the will to Holly was mortgaged to the hilt and maybe beyond. So now, not only do I have to break the news to Holly that her inheritance is gone, but I have to hope that we won’t owe money at the end of the sale.’

  ‘Wow, that is a terrible blow,’ she responded, reaching out and squeezing Mila’s hand, ‘but Holly is young and smart and full of promise. She will make her own way. It’s you that I’m more worried about.’

  ‘Because I’m old and dumb with no promise?’ Mila derided herself before receiving a smack on the wrist from Adie.

  ‘No, because you’re the one carrying the stress for both of you. You’re dealing with so much on your own.’

  Mila felt that now-familiar lump forming in her throat and a gulp of coffee did nothing to shift it. Don’t cry Mila. Do not cry.

  Adie continued. ‘You know that Carlos and I are here for absolutely anything if you need us. By the way, I thought about your very many strengths and it occurred to me that you would make a wonderful psychologist. Before you poo-poo the idea, hear me out.’

  Mila interjected. ‘Actually I was thinking of volunteering to train for Lifeline if they’ll have me.’

  ‘If they’ll have you? They’re crying out for people like you, do you know how many calls go unanswered? Also it’s a good stepping-stone to decide if counselling is the right career for you in general. But what are you going to do to make ends meet in the mean time?’

  ‘I don’t know yet,’ Mila lied, ‘but there’s a superfund and small life insurance payout to keep us going until I work it out.’ She didn’t want Adie knowing the full extent of her new foray into poverty.

  ‘And the nest egg from your parent’s home?’

  ‘It’s kind of quarantined for now.’ Forever, she thought bitterly. She hated those loan sharks for making her lie, but Robert more-so for hijacking her ability to move on with her life and setting a ball rolling that was now forcing her to lie to everyone she cared most about.

  ‘Well I don’t know anyone in Lifeline management but when the time comes for character references, which I believe they ask for, I’ll write you a glowing one on letterhead from the practice.’

  ‘Would you? That would be brilliant.’ Mila was already wondering how she would juggle nights at the club, Lifeline training and counselling, should she be lucky enough to get it, but she intended to make more of her life than she was currently doing and considered herself fortunate not to have young children added into the equation.

  Had her parents still been alive she would have soon been caring for them too. Her mother would have been celebrating her eightieth birthday and her father his eighty-fifth. They’d both been fit and healthy when they passed away – Mila had thought them on track to live forever, but caring for them would have been her privilege.

  Adie snapped her fingers, jogging Mila from her thoughts.

  ‘Sorry, I was just thinking about my parents,’ Mila apologised. ‘Mama would have been eighty next week.’

  ‘Do you want me to come with you to the cemetery tomorrow? It’s Saturday, so no work.’ Mila knew that Adie didn’t like to picture of her friend there alone. The previous year she had gone along with both Mila and Holly. Robert had been conspicuous by his absence.’

  ‘No thanks, I think I’ll leave it until the actual day. I’ll be fine on my own, I go there quite often and it’s a peaceful place to be and just reflect. They’ve put in a bench seat right near the gravesite and planted some trees to eventually protect the rose gardens from the heat.’

  ‘Okay, if you’re sure. Call me in the morning if you change your mind.’

  ‘I’m hoping to be sleeping in. Ryan is taking me to a Pink concert tonight. He called just after we hung up this morning.’

  ‘Really? I don’t know him, but from what you’ve told me, he didn’t sound like a Pink fan.’

  ‘That’s exactly what I said at the time, but it’s a long story. Anyway, I don’t think I can mention it to Holly because she doesn’t approve of me dating, but you know how crazy she is for Pink. She’s got every album and she’d kill to be going to the concert. Again, I’m in an awkward situation. Knowing Holly, and how she might react, what would your advice be?’

  ‘The psychologist thinks honesty is the best policy but the friend, thinks better not to say anything and pray to God that none of her friends spot you in the crowd.’

  Another forced lie, even if only by omission. It didn’t sit well with Mila. But she could see herself trying to tell Holly and it would come out as boasting, no matter how she introduced it into the conversation.

  The hour passed quickly and the friends parted company with their usual hugs and kisses. Mila rushed home to pay bills and tackle the many desk jobs that had been accumulating.

  She decided that she might as well use t
he landline. None of the calls she had to make would be of interest to the loan sharks if they were tapping her phone. She picked up the receiver imagining that the dial tone sounded different than normal, but she pushed on, calling at least a dozen providers, cancelling some services like Robert’s mobile phone account, and changing others such as electricity and Medicare into her name. It was an arduous and joyless task that had her holding on for what seemed like hours at each turn, before being put through to off-shore call centres and operators who despite speaking the Queen’s English, all had sing-song intonations that were somehow incomprehensible. It was a job that she could happily have put off forever, if the avoidance hadn’t been even more painful than the task itself.

  She was, after two hours ready to scream. How long can a simple name change take? And why would you ask to speak to the account holder when one minute ago I just told you he was dead? And for the third time no I don’t have any proof of my living at this address because all the accounts were in my husband’s name. Such thoughts came repeatedly into Mila’s head. She was however, as patient and diplomatic as always and was surprised when one operator thanked her at the end of their call for being the first person all day not to have raised her voice or insulted her.

  After extending the line of credit, the bank manager had opened an internet banking account for Mila and had even shown her how to use it. Mila had planned to pay bills while the technology was still fresh in her mind but looking at the time, she was horrified to notice that five hours had disappeared into the black hole of call centres and that she had really only rippled the surface of what had to be done. It was six-thirty already and Ryan was coming at seven. There was no time now for internet banking or anything else and the bills would again have to wait.

  She hoped that Robert’s Russian mafia debt collectors had been sitting in on the last five hours of calls. Maybe they will have slashed their wrists by now. I know I’m ready to.

  Charging upstairs, Mila rifled through her wardrobe before fleeing to Holly’s in despair. Thank goodness Holly had been working part time since the age of fifteen and had accumulated a wardrobe of clothes that stretched from here to her current home in Melbourne. Looking at the tightly packed hangers, Mila allowed a dress to choose her by closing her eyes and taking stab in the dark. Her hand fell upon a wrap dress in a platinum coloured jersey with a delicate silver chain belt that looked timelessly sexy. As good as any, she thought as she dashed back to her bedroom and stripped off to shower. She would have liked to wash her hair but it was far too late and she swept it into a loose, messy – hopefully sexy style instead. She now had ten minutes to reapply her makeup and she hadn’t even tried on the dress.