Totally Charmed

by Crusie, Jennifer, Wilson, Leah

  The sisters have also had a few near misses, such as in “Forget Me . . . Not” and “Crimes and Witch-Demeanors,” in which their magic was almost revealed to the world. But these episodes also introduced a squad of neutral entities known as the Cleaners, whose job it is to expunge the evidence of witchcraft accidentally performed in public, à la Men In Black, showing that even the normally out-of-touch Powers That Be—both good and evil—understand the disruption such knowledge could cause.

  The sisters must also consider the effect of their talents upon intimate relationships. They are only human, after all, and want to have normal love lives like any other women. Unfortunately, they risk provoking the same fear and revulsion from any would-be inamorato that they do from the public. It has happened at least twice. Even though Andy and Prue had known one another since high school, and even though he had been the sisters’ strong ally through several uncanny situations, in “The Truth Is Out There . . . and It Hurts,” he admitted that he was not prepared to accept her newfound powers. Phoebe lost a boyfriend, Jason, when the truth frightened him as well (though to China rather than to death). Fortunately the men’s response was not physically violent in either case, nor did the sisters’ revelations result in public betrayal.

  The Halliwells felt that they have had to keep their talents secret not only to prevent generating fear, but also jealousy. Those without magical ability would wish that they had it. They would feel entitled to benefit from it in some way, or else feel the need to deprive any person who does have it from deriving any perceived personal gain. That way everyone is even, even if no one is happy.

  Anyone who was ever rapped over the knuckles by a teacher for going faster than the rest of the class will understand the phenomenon. (If it didn’t happen to you, ask your friends. It will have happened to one of them.) The “I hope you brought enough for everyone” philosophy ignores the hard fact that life is not fair. Talent belongs to the ones to whom fate gives it. It can’t be distributed and it can’t be destroyed, though, at least in Charmed, it can occasionally be stolen—as it was by the Stillman sisters in “The Power of Three Blondes,” and by the occasional demon. But those were all magical attacks, not mortal ones. Those who have talent in the mortal world cannot have it taken away; they can only be ostracized. Conventional wisdom states that those who have talent had better use it for the common good or face being considered evil and selfish.

  Not every inequity works this way. The very rich, for instance, have merely achieved financial affluence; anyone can do that if he works hard enough. Choice possessions fall into the ownership of those with good timing and the means to obtain them. The “man on the street” might envy the “man who has everything” but understands the reasons for the discrepancy between his means and the latter’s. Anything that can be achieved by effort is okay. Ah, but being able to bat .500 or sing in perfect pitch—now that’s unfair. Talent is not earned. It’s dropped upon the undeserving without regard to the feelings of those who must do without. It is Not Fair.

  Magic is an extreme example. Anything that allows one person to achieve a desired end without having to work for it makes others jealous. The average person might admire or even worship a celebrity, whose natural talent has won them wealth and fame, but even so, a simmering resentment exists deep in the average fan’s breast, eagerly awaiting the appearance of some weakness which proves that the star does not deserve the status he or she enjoys. (Look how rabidly the press follows celebrity felony trials, from Michael Jackson to Martha Stewart. Bringing a mighty person low satisfies the socialistic hunger for making all people equal.)

  Any ability that could give the user power over another person is feared and hated, especially if there is no authority that can command obedience from the user. Not every powerful person is a bully, but the adage “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely” has a basis in psychological fact. Those who have power always pose a threat to those without it, unless they can be controlled. If you think you’d hate being pushed aside by some star’s posse when that star wanted to shop in a store you were innocently browsing, think how you would feel if that star was capable of “zapping” you into obedience with the whisk of their hand. Only vulnerability makes the power-wielder a potential friend or ally.

  This fear of the powerful creates a terrible atmosphere of distrust and underhandedness. Is it any wonder that our fictional “friendly” alien visitors always proclaim, “We come in peace” upon landing? And even then it is unlikely that we fully believe them. A cynical whisper in our heads continues to insist that any being that came to Earth aboard a spaceship that could cross light years must be here to enslave us or eat us, or both.

  Historically, witches—or rather, those accused of being witches—were persecuted, burned and hanged, not necessarily because they had already hurt anyone with their witchcraft, but because they posed a potential threat to people who feared becoming victims. Many of the complaints were based not upon fact but upon jealousy or hatred. It would have made no difference if the accused witches had pleaded that all they wished to do was use their powers for the good of others. Mobs do not believe in altruism. We may want, romantically, to believe in it. And we understand, rationally, that witches who practice it, who seek to right the karmic balance for the sake of all existence, have far more to lose than we do and therefore are careful to safeguard their abilities. But emotionally, we’re sure they’re going to get us when our backs are turned, so we have to get them first. This is part of what made the retirement of the superheroes in Brad Bird’s fantastic animated feature The Incredibles so believable: though the heroes willingly risked their lives daily, the public became jaded and contemptuous of them, ready to destroy the generous impulses and selfless deeds of the superheroes with endless litigation. It’s a vivid example of how the best of intentions can produce the worst results.

  The Halliwell sisters have had no choice but to keep quiet about their talents except to a select few trusted friends. Otherwise, the sisters would either be forced to share their talent endlessly to prove their good intentions or be constantly threatened with death or harm. Still, by revealing themselves to the public, the sisters have it in their power to do a tremendous service for the magicians and witches who will follow them. Taking the terror out of the traditional image of the witch—the crooked-nosed old crone—would do much to help human beings dispose of yet one more needless fear.

  So, how would they reach out to potential “clients” to offer their aid when a gap appeared in their schedule? Tradition frowns on psychics and witches charging for their talents, but that seems a hard knock for those old hedge herbalists who seek out and prepare their own remedies, let alone modern homeowners with property tax and electric bills to pay. Surely modern witches would be able to collect enough to cover their overhead while still satisfying the karmic requirement not to profit. Though the sisters would need to budget their available time, surely the Power of Three merits a more stylish attempt to reach out than the 3x5 card in the supermarket. Any advertising agency worth its salt would jump at the opportunity to advertise enchanters for hire, but even local advertisements would make national or worldwide news. Introducing them with a cute campaign could begin to erode the visceral fear of the witch, but the unfortunate outcome of even the most discreet and well-targeted public advertising would be an overwhelming influx of demands for aid, most of them spurious or self-interested. And since the Halliwells would be unable to respond to 99% of the applications, any good a positive ad campaign could do would be reversed. An Internet site, one bespelled to open only to those people who are genuinely in need of magical assistance, might be a better answer. Let fate handle the details; the sisters have too much to do to host a Web site in addition to performing rescues and changing the world. This is not an ordinary small business, after all. Perhaps the Elders could form another support group like the Cleaners to handle positive PR in the mortal world.

  Another solution might be to acquire a
patron, a powerful person of means who could supply the Halliwells with expenses while at the same time protecting them from the fearful. That was surely one of the reasons that kings and dukes had court magicians: the arrangement was to the magicians’ benefit as much as the rulers’.

  Having an enchanter in one’s retinue was a mark of a prosperous and powerful regent. It proved that such a monarch commanded forces not only in this plane of existence but in the astral one as well. Having a witch or wizard in a monarch’s service was acceptable to the public because, presumably, the master of so many subjects would be able to keep control over their magician as well. That way, also, the magician’s talent would not be squirreled away selfishly, but acceptably employed in the service of the monarch for the public good. Working for a universally recognized authority precludes the magician from having to win over every doubter one at a time.

  In the absence of a supreme governmental authority, however, good and evil matter. “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?” Glinda the Good Witch asks Dorothy Gale in The Wizard of Oz. The farm girl Dorothy protests she is not a witch at all, but neither Glinda nor the Munchkins believe her. Who else has the power to lift a house and drop it on one of their most dreaded enemies but another witch? If she is a good witch, the Munchkins are happy to interact with her, because they have grown up used to witches and other miracle workers, such as the Wizard himself. A good witch is one who is constrained by morality to aid the greater good. A bad witch is driven only by greed and self-interest and should be feared and destroyed if possible.

  The Munchkins are willing to take Dorothy’s word on her moral inclinations, though, while it’s difficult to imagine human beings on this contemporary Earth doing the same. We have no experience with genuine, proven magicians and have a hurdle to leap that Munchkins and other inhabitants of fantasy land do not: we must accept the existence of magic before we can even begin to judge whether or not a magician possesses ethics and self-control.

  Moreover, magicians on this contemporary Earth have even further obstacles than similar beings elsewhere: paranoid governments that wish to control such talent or, if they cannot control it, destroy it so it will not hurt their nation or fall into the hands of their enemies. Effective witches would be taken into “protective custody” and tested and/or tortured to discover the depths of their talents. This would apply not just in the United States, but in any country. If by some miracle these witches and warlocks were freed to go about their business, which a practical assessment of human nature would suggest is unlikely (it’s a wonder that FBI Agent Kyle Brody never thought of turning the Halliwell sisters in to the government), they would be kept under tight rein by the powers that be, much as a court magician would be, and thereby be unable to perform any works not strictly licensed by the ruling monarch, president, premier or oligarchy. The paperwork that would necessarily follow each use of magic would be interminable: imagine having each time to report the details of your actions, the outcome thereof and a list of the beneficiaries. An “outed” witch might be forbidden to act for the well-being of an enemy of the state, even if that enemy was being wronged. Being “traded” to another country in exchange for a special favor would not be out of the question. All of a sudden, what seemed to be a great gift would become an unbearable burden. A witch who was even a casual student of human nature would never allow her gifts to become known. Any witch with sense would run for the hills.

  The Halliwell sisters are wise to keep their talents concealed and work for the good of humankind behind the scenes. No good deed goes unpunished, as the old saw goes. Without the protection of a higher authority or mass public acceptance of what they are, they cannot go public. Doing so would mean more time spent fighting the fears of their neighbors than fighting evil itself. They serve the universe best by keeping from engendering that fear in the first place. It is better, then, that their own common sense and fate itself remain the arbiters of where their talents are applied. Should an evolution in society come that embraces the assumption that witchcraft is as acceptable as superheroics, the Halliwell sisters might come forward to accept the thanks that are due them. In the meantime, they will have to be content with the superhero’s own daily protection—keeping their identities secret—and be content with doing their job for the job’s sake.

  Jody Lynn Nye lists her main career activity as “spoiling cats.” She lives northwest of Chicago with two of the above and her husband, author and packager Bill Fawcett. She has written over thirty books, including The Ship Who Won with Anne McCaffrey, a humorous anthology about mothers, Don’t Forget Your Spacesuit, Dear, and over eighty short stories. Her latest books are Strong-Arm Tactics (Meisha Merlin) and Class Dis-Mythed, cowritten with Robert Asprin (Meisha Merlin).

  THEIR MEN

  * * *

  LEO, COLE AND OTHER TRANSIENTS

  * * *

  For all their astonishing beauty, the Halliwells have a heck of a time holding on to men. Even the loyal Leo goes AWOL on a regular basis. Is it because they’ll always be more loyal to their sisters than to their misters (poor Cole)? Or is it because their misters come and go, but their sisters are forever?

  WHY CAN’T THIS WITCH GET HITCHED?

  OR, GIRL POWER AND THE MEN WHO CAN’T HANDLE IT

  * * *

  MAGGIE SHAYNE

  * * *

  It’s not easy for a tradition-bound man to commit to a woman who can turn him into a newt. Maggie Shayne argues that it’s this imbalance of power that ruins the Halliwells’ love lives, not the fact that they keep falling for bad risks like demons, dead men and baseball players.

  RELATIONSHIPS—the fun kind—those being the ones that include sex—are my specialty. I love watching them unfold, analyzing them, picking them apart and predicting what’s gong to happen next. I’ve lost friends that way.

  So you can probably imagine what a blast I’ve had watching the women of Charmed work their way through men so fast they make the ones in Desperate Housewives look like blushing virgins.

  I mean, come on. Does anyone have that much sex? With that many men? Had the Halliwell women been notching their bedposts, they’d have been reduced to sleeping on mattresses on the floor by the end of season three.

  But that’s beside the point of this essay, which is this: none of the Charmed Ones will ever have a stable, long-term, monogamous relationship with a man.

  The basis of my theory is twofold. First, there is the haunting refrain that still echoes through the minds and hearts of everyone in the TV biz, and has since the tragic ends of such classic series as The Scarecrow and Mrs. King and Moonlighting. It goes something like this: “When the yearning yet resisting couple finally get together for keeps, the story is over.”

  Hell, it’s a refrain we romance novelists hear in our sleep. It’s taped to our office walls in large fonts. It might even have been encoded into the lyrics of our mothers’ lullabies. We know it well. We don’t forget.

  But that reason is too easy, too obvious and far from the subject of my thesis here, which is the second, and most important reason Phoebe, Piper, Paige and Prue have never and will never have a stable, long-term, monogamous relationship with a man: they are powerful women. In the Charmed universe (which I like to call the “Charmiverse” or else “The Land of Very Bad Clothes”), the Halliwell sisters are probably the most powerful women ever. In fact, that’s what this series is really about, deep down in its cleavage: Girl Power. Is there a more perfect metaphor for Girl Power than Witchcraft1?

  Let’s count the ways, shall we?

  • In Witchcraft “God” is most often “Goddess.”

  • While logically, we know there are male Witches, society views Witchcraft as a female thing.

  • The Girl Power embodied by Witchcraft is so incredibly threatening to men that they launched an all-out attack on it during the Witch Hysteria that gripped Europe and the US 400–600 years ago. Some refer to that time as “The Women’s Holocaust.” Some claim up to nine million wome
n may have been murdered.

  Most men can’t handle Girl Power. Even today’s men, who are far more enlightened than their torture-loving forebears, can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable with it. Oh, there are exceptions. I’m married to one of them and am a devoted friend to others—after all, men like that are a rare find and deserve notice! But they are, sadly, in the minority. For the most part, men still like to believe they are the powerful ones, the ones in charge, the ones on top. Both in real life and in fiction, they labor under this false illusion—an illusion constantly being validated for them by regular infusions of Vin Diesel, the Rock and Viagra.

  (Not that I have anything against Vin or Rocky. In fact, looking at them for long, uninterrupted periods, particularly shirtless and sweaty—them, not me—is one of my favorite pastimes.)

  Be that as it may, men in general don’t want to face the fact that they are, in truth, the weaker sex. And Charmed, just like any good fiction, is a reflection of the society in which it lives.

  The witches of Charmed are super-chicks. If real women were as much in tune with their own power as the Charmed Ones, we’d be getting equal pay for equal work, the Equal Rights Amendment would have been ratified ages ago and sex crimes would be death penalty offenses.

  The men of Charmed, like many of their real-world counterparts, can’t deal with women who are more powerful than they are, so they find various ways to ensure their state of blissful ignorance, or else they try to make themselves more powerful in order to regain the supremacy they never had.