Totally Charmed

by Crusie, Jennifer, Wilson, Leah

  Let’s take it from the top, shall we? I’ve always been a big Prue fan anyway, and while I adore Paige and think her presence adds a wonderful energy to the show (a sex kitten who enters her first episode licking a lollipop—how can you not like her? She’s like a Britney Spears video with a slightly less tasteful wardrobe), the show hasn’t been the same since Prue died. I miss her.

  Back in the beginning, Prue’s steady banging was a cop by the name of Andy. Andy was a great guy: strong, powerful, a man in charge. And maybe he figured that since he was a cop, he had enough power to hold his own in a relationship with a powerful woman like Prue. But then it turned out Prue was a witch, and not just any witch, but one of the Charmed Ones.

  Naturally this threw Andy for a while, but he bounced back, apparently still convinced he could maintain his illusion of power. When it became clear that he couldn’t, he died. Died! Can you imagine going that far to escape the inevitable truth that your girlfriend is more powerful than you are? I mean, come on, guys. That’s taking it over the top.

  Okay, so we all know he didn’t really die to escape Prue, at least not on a conscious level. But deep down . . . who knows? Either way, it was unsuccessful. He should have known there was no escaping a determined witch. Prue died, too. Just how do you think you’re going to get away from her now, Andy? Huh?

  Schmuck.

  Okay, so Andy and Prue, tragic love story, but really not the steamiest one of the series. For that we must look to the tale of the hottest character ever to grace the halls of Halliwell Manor: Cole.

  Mm, mm, mm. You know, I’ve built an entire career on the premise that women love a hot-looking bad boy. And Cole really fit the bill—not only was he prime, top quality grade-A hunk, he was actually half-demon.

  Cole and Phoebe had great chemistry. But Phoebe had something Cole didn’t have (besides the wardrobe from Hell). She had Girl Power. And even a half-demon found himself paling in comparison. But Cole was not easily dissuaded. He wanted Phoebe, and he wanted to be the alpha guy. For a while he tried it on his own, just relying on his human side and his good looks, charm and apparent skill in the sack to bring himself up to Phoebe’s level.

  This was probably a good idea. But it didn’t work.

  One episode that perfectly illustrated this point was season four’s “Lost and Bound.” (Get your mind out of the gutter—it’s not referring to anything with leather or buckles, although you can find an episode that covers S&M and bondage fantasies if you look. Try season five’s “Stormy Leather.”)

  In “Lost and Bound” Cole was working with Social Services, living as an ordinary mortal, and had put an engagement ring on Phoebe’s finger.

  Immediately, Phoebe turned into June Cleaver. She started baking cookies, wearing clothes straight out of a 1969 issue of Good Housekeeping and vacuuming in pearls. She lost all interest in battling demons.

  You know for a while there, Cole had it made.

  The subplots in this episode back up my thesis as well. While all this was going on with Phoebe, Piper was having a spirited debate with Leo over their unborn baby’s powers. Surely the child of a Whitelighter and a Charmed witch would be one powerful little rugrat. And Leo was pushing for a spell to “bind” the baby’s powers before it was even born. My theory? He wanted to do this because, up until the actual birth, they were all convinced the baby would be a girl. He couldn’t bear the idea of one more powerful female in the house. Piper was against the idea, of course.

  This debate is further proof that men want to be the most powerful beings in their immediate vicinity—or, you know, once they get into the White House, the entire world.

  Meanwhile, in a home nearby, a little boy with powers of his own accidentally set his bedroom on fire. Did I mention my theory that males can’t handle Girl Power? Even if they happen to HAVE IT?

  At any rate, eventually the sisters figured out what was going on with Phoebe, and she took off the ring and got in touch with her inner witch again. Thank Goddess!

  Having learned that he made a lousy Darrin to Phoebe’s Samantha, Cole began to embrace his demonic side.

  Now, this isn’t where the story of Cole and Phoebe ended. He really put up a valiant fight to elevate himself to a position of power so he could stay with her. He tried getting her pregnant with demon spawn, but that didn’t work out. When being the groom in their Satanic wedding didn’t do it for him, Cole went for even more power. In fact, he managed to claim the throne of High King Muckity-Muck of the Demons (not the official title).

  And you would think that would do it, if nothing else would. Right? Well, at least, you might think that if you hadn’t ever seen an episode of Charmed. If you had, then you probably knew that these witches’ reason for being is to vanquish demons.

  Hello? Cole, come on. You really should have thought this thing through.

  There was a lot more stuff in between, of course, but in the end, Cole couldn’t out-power Phoebe, even when he became the Dread Dictator of Darkness (again, not the official title), so Phoebe vanquished his ass and washed her hands of him.

  Undaunted, Cole got himself nipped and tucked and started a lucrative little plastic surgery practice in L.A. where he wound up being nominated for a Golden Globe. Think he’s feeling powerful enough yet?

  Ahh, but we have not yet touched on the most fascinating relationship of all: the saga of Piper and Leo.

  Leo started out as the Halliwells’ handyman. But naturally, that role wasn’t nearly strong enough. He couldn’t even get to second base with Piper while wearing a tool belt. So eventually he revealed that he was in fact (insert harp music and tinkling chimes here) a Whitelighter. He was their Whitelighter.

  The sisters’ reaction? “What the hell is a Whitelighter?”

  Determined to impress them, Leo explained that he was a sort of guardian angel. Every witch has one. (Mine must have been held up at the border or something.) As their Whitelighter, Leo had certain powers. He could heal their injuries, bring them back from the dead if he got there soon enough and the script said it was okay and, best of all, he sort of got to tell them what to do.

  Ahhh, that Leo. Clever, clever, clever. He set himself up in a way that couldn’t help but put him in a position of power over the witches, basically introducing himself with the phrase, “I’m the boss of you.”

  So Piper fell for him, knowing something he didn’t: that his plan was doomed to fail. Maybe Leo was in a position to tell the girls what to do—but like all women, the Charmed Ones were never very good at doing what they were told.

  So for a long time, as the relationship between Piper and Leo grew, Leo spent all his time trying to be the boss of them—and learning that controlling witches is very much like herding cats. It can’t be done. He yelled; they yelled louder. He told them not to do something; they did it anyway. He told them to do something; they avoided it at all costs. He gave advice; they ignored it.

  I can’t even blame him for wishing to have more power than them. The poor guy wasn’t exactly treated with honor or respect. After Prue died, for example, in season four’s “Hell Hath No Fury,” Piper’s grief turned to rage. She became one of the three Furies, taking out her anguish on any demon unlucky enough to cross her path. When Leo tried to talk her down—after all, she was enjoying the kill a bit too much—she flipped him. Flipped him! Sent him flying ass-over-applecart, as they say in my neck of the woods. Luckily, he landed on the pillow-covered sofa. Phew! Close call. How’s that for respecting your Whitelighter?

  Basically, Leo, in all his angelic Whitelighter glory, became little more than another tool in the witches’ arsenal. They kept him around and pulled him out when he was needed, like a faithful old athame or an heirloom wand, or their notorious Book of Shadows. (I think mine’s busted, by the way. It never opens to the page I need all by itself. I’m thinking of sending it back for a refund.)

  Leo wasn’t in power at all. He might have been off twinkling on a cloud someplace, doing whatever it is he did when he wa
sn’t on the screen, but if the witches called his name, he had to appear. And they did call him. When one of them was hurt or when they needed to pick his brain or use him for some other purpose, like killing a big spider or changing the oil filter in the car.

  He was like a genie in a bottle, a virtual slave to the witches, which is way lower on the power-pole than a handyman.

  Okay, so he screwed up. Leo realized it after a while. And like many men down through history, his first idea for a solution involved sex. He got Piper into the sack, of course—and frankly, just between you and me, I don’t think he could have been anywhere near as good as Cole probably was. I mean, who’s going to blow your socks off in bed, an angel or a demon? It’s fairly obvious, right?

  Anyway, he proceeded to knock Piper up and to marry her, not necessarily in that order. He’s not alone. A lot of men think keeping a woman “barefoot and pregnant” is a good way to control her.

  They are, of course, dead wrong. While getting a woman pregnant might seem like a good way to keep her in line to a man, for a woman it is the most powerful time of her life. She becomes a Goddess, a creator, the bearer and nurturer of life. All of a sudden, she’s thrumming with more power than she ever felt before. And for most women, the pregnancy has the effect of moving the man down a notch on her list of priorities. It’s the baby who holds the top position now.

  In Piper’s case, this was illustrated beautifully and perfectly when her pregnancy rendered her invulnerable. And so, left with little other choice, Leo got himself a promotion. He became (twinkle-twinkletwink) an Elder!

  All together now: “Ooooooooh. An Elder.”

  Yes, Leo became an Elder. And I hear what you’re asking. “What the hell’s an Elder?”

  Well, it’s fairly easy to explain. The Elders are a combination of major angels (or perhaps minor deities) and Supreme Court Judges. They seem to be in charge of deciding what’s right and wrong, of governing affairs on Earth and of guiding Whitelighters in their duties protecting witches, while the witches do their duties vanquishing demons. Elders are definitely of higher rank than Whitelighters. Just the same way Whitelighters are of higher rank than witches.

  And you would have thought Leo would have considered that being of higher rank had not necessarily made him more powerful up to now before deciding to take the job. But he probably figured, what the hell? Piper had the kid, she wasn’t going anywhere. Let her and her sisters deal with that. He’d just shoot off into the stratosphere and take care of important things with a bunch of other white-robed, sober-faced types.

  It’s important to note, I think, that Leo became the only Liberal on the bench at that time. The other Elders were clearly Conservatives.

  As an Elder, Leo was not required to spend a lot of quality time with his baby son, Wyatt. (“Why?” for short. I mean, come on, Wyatt is Leo’s last name. So is the baby’s legal name Wyatt Wyatt? Ugh!) Leo could swear (not to God, of course; there is apparently no supreme being, God or Goddess in the Charmiverse, which is odd considering there are witches, angels and demons, but there you go . . . but I digress) that he wanted to spend more time with Piper and the baby, and display remorse and even frustration at being constantly called away by the rest of the Elders, and no one could prove he wasn’t sincere.

  By the way, did you ever notice that the Elders sound like Tinkerbell? I mean, you hear this little tinkling sound, and Leo looks up at the ceiling as if he expects to see the Elders perched up there, hanging upside down like bats from the crown molding or something. And then he’ll say, “They’re calling.”

  Did anyone ever think to have the Elders just say, “Yo, Leo!”?

  I suppose it would lose something of its mystical nature, huh? Yeah, that’s why I don’t write for TV anymore.

  Okay, so Leo thought he had it made. He was not only the boss of the witches, he was, as an Elder, boss of the Whitelighters now. But once again, he’d failed to think ahead. First of all, he and his wife were no longer on good terms at all. Their marriage was basically over. And secondly, once he left his former position, there was room for competition. A new Whitelighter showed up in town—a young, hot-looking fellow named Chris, who was the tastiest thing to walk onto the Charmed set since Cole.

  And of course, Leo reacted in typical male fashion. His henhouse had been invaded by another rooster. Too bad that he was the one who flew the coop and left the door wide open. (Why am I suddenly craving KFC?) He felt threatened by Chris, was convinced Chris was up to no good and was determined to get rid of him.

  I submit to you that he would have had the same reaction to any hot-looking male Whitelighter who had shown up to take his place.

  This one turned out to be his son—Wyatt’s little brother, the one lucky enough not to have been landed with the name “Wyatt.” He was visiting from the future in order to save his own life (and, okay, the rest of the world from his big brother gone bad): unless he could ensure that Piper and Leo got it on one more time, he would never be conceived and therefore would never be born, and thus would not exist to come back from the future. So if he existed in the future, he had clearly already been conceived, so why was he bothering to come back to ensure something would happen that had already happened?

  (Deep breath.)

  Think about that one for a while if you want. I tried, but it gave me a headache, so I’m moving on.

  Here was Chris, coming all the way from twenty-odd years from now, just to help Leo get laid. You’d think Leo would have been grateful. It’s not like he’d been getting much on his own. But no. Leo wanted to blast the poor kid to Kingdom-soon-to-come. Ungrateful bastard.

  And poor Chris. I mean, come on. He was a male too. And he’d apparently been raised by three women who were oozing Girl Power from their very pores. You gotta know he’d been in therapy for a while.

  Well, eventually Leo and the girls figured out who Chris was, and Phoebe stopped hitting on him (ewwww!). Leo and Piper knocked boots, and Chris was conceived and all was well.

  I liked the grown-up Chris better than the baby one. Baby Chris just can’t hold his own on the screen. He’s a little stiff and a bit of a drinker—always with the bottle in his hand, you know? I, for one, hope baby Chris gets ensorcelled by a demon and turned into an adult again, so we can get back to ogling hunky, grown-up Chris. I mean, it’s the least they can do for us loyal viewers. If we want to look at babies, I imagine most of us have access to the real thing. Can you say the same thing for hunks?

  I didn’t think so.

  Okay, so Leo was back to square one. He got Piper preggers for the second time, but he no longer held out hope that it was going to give him any sort of power over her. So he was left with no choice. (This guy just doesn’t give up. Then again, if you’d been frozen into a chunk of ice by your beloved and then drop-kicked into a zillion little Leo-sicles, or called a stick in the mud and then turned into a literal stick, in the mud, as he was in season three’s “Bride and Gloom,” you’d want to ensure your personal security too!) He moved on up the food chain and became Chief Justice . . . er, that is, head Elder. Note here that a bunch of other Elders had to get killed in order for that to happen, but it wasn’t directly Leo’s fault, so I guess it’s okay.

  And P.S., how do you kill an Elder? Aren’t they immortal? They seem to exist up in the atmosphere somewhere, sitting around in the clouds with white robes and tinkly voices and the power to appear and disappear and see all and know as much as the writers need them to know at any given story arc. Shouldn’t someone have told us that Elders could die?

  And while we’re at it, how about Whitelighters? They seem to live forever unless their dying serves the plot. So what are the rules here? Someone clue us in!

  But back to the subject. Leo became head Elder.

  Did it make him powerful enough to feel comfortable as the husband of a woman like Piper? A witch? A Charmed One? Well, what do you think?

  Mostly, the Charmed Ones spend their time proving the stodgy, stubborn (dare I
say, “stick-in-the-mud”?) Elders wrong. They defy their edicts, deny their rules, do just about what they please no matter what the Elders decree and, usually, they’re vindicated in the end. The Elders, in all their wisdom, are usually wrong, which makes one wonder where it is they get their wisdom and knowledge in the first place.

  So Leo elevated himself to the level of head Elder—someone who is wrong most of the time, can’t enforce his laws or rules on anyone even if they somehow turn out to be right, and is viewed by the witches as an out-of-touch figurehead who doesn’t know what it’s like to be on the front lines in the war on demons.

  Maybe that’s the key, Leo must have thought. Maybe it was all that demon-vanquishing that made the women so powerful. Maybe being able to annihilate living beings at will and basically being in possession of a license to kill tends to make a woman go a little bit power crazy.

  So what if there were no demons to vanquish? What if there were no evil to fight? What if the entire world became some sort of . . . Utopia?

  Leo apparently passed this notion along to his friends, the muses, who whispered it into the ears of the writers, who wrote season seven of Charmed for our viewing pleasure.

  In it, lo and behold, there was a whole other level of beings even more powerful than the Elders! They were known as the Avatars. They had so much power they could blast Elders, and humans, and demons into oblivion with lightning bolts that surged from their fingertips. And naturally, beings with that sort of destructive potential were pacifists. They didn’t believe in violence. They, like beauty pageant contestants the world over, wanted only world peace: a world in which no demons interfered and people didn’t even argue over fender benders because they were so brimming with goodness and love and grckkrspa!

  Sorry about that, I threw up a little. Ahem. That’s better.