Chaos

by Barbara Huffert

  All that had happened slammed back into her consciousness with a thud. Everything from Shane being shot, to the unbelievable things he’d uttered in his drugged state, to learning the Kid was dead. She’d spent the rest of the day with Murray, splashing in the pool and encouraging him to tell her endless stories. At dinner, the whole crew had gathered on the deck of the restaurant next to the motel. Alyssa suspected she consumed much more than her share of the wine they’d split since she didn’t remember getting to her room. It also seemed likely that someone had removed her shoes for her and tucked her into bed, turning off the lights when they left since she had no recollection of that either.

  Okay, that brought her to the present. No need to panic. They didn’t know what waking up in the dark without Shane did to her. Without Shane, as in she wasn’t afraid when she was with him. She may as well face it. More than anything, she wanted his words to be true. But how could they be? That’s not the sort of relationship she and Shane had. They were purely in it for fun, no strings attached. But her feelings had changed. Could his truly have changed too? Could they ever be together again with the ghost of the Kid hanging between them? She never should have asked him to get involved. He wouldn’t have been hurt and maybe the Kid would still be alive. And Shane wouldn’t be preparing himself to tell her how he had let her down. She was sure he would blame himself, no matter what anyone said.

  The room had slowed so Alyssa attempted to stand again. She needed to make it to the bathroom before she burst. Then she had to do something about the way her mouth felt as if several wads of cotton were stuffed in it. Why did she drink so much? She knew better than to get drunk. She didn’t mind being a little buzzed but this was entirely too much. She must have passed out at the table. How could she face everyone in the morning?

  Before crawling back into bed, Alyssa noticed a note on the bedside table. It was from Chris. “Everyone understands so do not upset yourself! We’re all here for you, road family. Brian and I brought you home. Waiting to see which way the front shifts overnight before we decide when to move on. Be here until lunch at least. Shane called. He insists you call him when you wake up, no matter what time it is. He sounds nice. Call him!”

  Oh no, Shane had called. And Chris had obviously answered her phone. What had they said to each other? And what could she say to him now? Sinking onto the bed, Alyssa slumped against the pillows. She had to call him. She didn’t want him to worry about her on top of everything else. He had enough without her.

  Taking a deep breath, Alyssa dialed, knowing he would be forcing himself to stay awake until he heard from her. “Shane? Chris said you called.”

  “Hey, Pix. I’m surprised you’re awake.”

  “Why?”

  “Chris said you were wiped out and had turned in early. She thought you’d probably sleep straight through the night.”

  “Oh.”

  “What? Tell me, Campini. What’s really going on there? I know you would never leave your phone with someone else to answer while you sleep. I didn’t press Chris, since she was clearly protecting you. But I know there’s more to it.”

  “Well,” she hesitated, fighting between the truth and an enhanced version of it.

  “Honesty, Pix. I’ll know if you’re hiding something. Please?”

  “Fine,” she gave in, too weary to fight. “I had too much to drink and passed out at dinner. Chris and Brian must have carried me to bed. She left me a note that I should call you. And I feel like shit. Satisfied?”

  “When did you eat last?”

  “I had lunch. Well, not really. I was playing with Murray in the pool and he soaked my sandwich.”

  “Last night?”

  “I left for the airport before dinner.”

  “So no food for twenty-four hours, an afternoon in the sun with an energetic child and how much wine? Don’t do this to yourself, Pix. I can’t come take care of you right now.”

  “Who said I needed you to?” Why was she angry? What was wrong with her? The last thing she wanted was to pick a fight with him.

  “You don’t have to say it. I don’t want to argue with you. You must be exhausted. And, I’d like to think, a little concerned for me. If you spent the day entertaining Murray, I’d have to guess it was to prevent you from thinking too much. So you haven’t eaten, you haven’t slept and you spent some time thinking about a friend of yours who was unexpectedly hurt. I doubt if you needed much wine to knock you out. How’s your head?”

  “Spinning,” she admitted, touched by the concern in his voice.

  “You need to eat. Drink lots of water and take some aspirin. How early are you out of there in the morning?”

  “Not before lunch.”

  “Then try to sleep as much as possible.”

  “Thanks, McKade. Why aren’t you asleep?”

  “Because I was worried about my friend who cared enough to drop everything and come to me last night. She forgets to take care of herself and I know she had a very long day. When I called to check on her, I was even more unsure of her well-being since she was unavailable to speak to me. Lucky for her it was me who called and not her cousin. I’m stuck here in this damn hospital, trapped, unable to move very well and she’s off searching for danger, ignoring her health and there’s nothing I can do to assist her at the moment. You see, my friend is very stubborn at times. She won’t admit that she’s not invincible. She won’t even humor me and let me think that she needs me occasionally. It makes me crazy because I need her all the time.”

  “McKade, stop it. My head is too fuzzy to remember that you’re talking about me.”

  “Then pretend I’m not. Be my other friend and help me. Tell me how to win her over. I want to be with her more than I ever thought possible. Can’t you think of any advice to give me?”

  “As if I know anything about relationships,” she laughed. “Hate to tell you but you stand a much better chance on your own.”

  “Maybe you could tell me what a guy would have to do to capture your heart. Tell me how he could interest you enough to give him a chance to get close to you. Tell me what he’d have to say to convince you to let him be part of your life. I can take what you say and see if any of it would help me with my lady.”

  “I don’t know, McKade. Just ’cause something might work with me, it doesn’t mean that it’ll work on someone else. We girls like to think we’re one of a kind.”

  “She is that, Pix. There is no one like her in the entire world.”

  “Tell me about her.”

  “I’m not sure I can do her justice. She’s incredible. She’s strong-willed and wonderful. She’s amazingly talented, professionally but is unbelievably vulnerable in her personal life, not that she lets it show. She’s got a sense of humor. She’s opinionated and never hesitates to put me in my place. She makes me think of things in ways I never considered, forcing me to be a better person. She won’t let anything slide. She acts so tough and independent but when we’re alone, she lets me hold her in my lap and cuddle her, almost like she wants me to protect her. And I would if she ever asked me to. She doesn’t want to hear it yet but I would give my life for her, if it would keep her safe. I would do anything within my power to make her happy, little things, big things, they’re all equally important to me. Everything about her is important to me. She’s a little reluctant to trust me enough to open her heart and share her life with me right now but I’m not giving up. Ever. I want to be with her so desperately that I almost can’t stand it. By that I mean spiritually as well as physically because on top of that she’s also gorgeous and as sexy as hell. She’s away, working, for the moment but when she comes back I’m going to do everything I can think of to make her see how perfect we are together. She’s the other half of me, Pix. I’m not sure I can live without her anymore. I’m not sure I want to.”

  “Wow,” Alyssa whispered. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to have someone love me like that. I didn’t think it existed. McKade, you’re talking to the wrong girl
. You need to hang up and call her. Why are you wasting time with me when you could spend it with her? Jeez, get it together already. Go after her. Tell her the things you just told me and she’ll be melting in your arms before you’re done. Good luck. Be sure to let me know how it turns out. Thanks for calling. Bye.”

  Alyssa hung up, honestly believing he was describing his feelings for someone else. She was sure he’d win her over. She’d have to find a way to feel happy for them. Just as soon as the emptiness spreading through her, making her more numb than the wine had, faded and she was able to feel anything again.

  Shane stared at the phone buzzing in his hand. What the hell just happened? He was telling her how wonderful she was and she acted like she believed he was describing someone else. He only suggested the pretense so she might let him say a portion of what was in his heart. He thought that if he said it often enough she might be willing to hear him when she came home. How could she think he wanted anyone who wasn’t her? What state was she in that she would just accept it and wish him luck? What kind of fool was he to play such a stupid game in the first place? Damn, he should have just told her he loved her and let her reject him openly. What was he doing, protecting his feelings when he could lose her so easily? If she ever spoke to him again, he would find a way for her to know he was speaking of her, not some mystery woman.

  He wished he could call her back but was afraid to wake her and push her when she clearly wasn’t thinking. He had to wait until she was rested, no matter how lost he felt at the moment. He tried to convince himself that in the morning she would realize that he was only pretending to talk about someone else. Perhaps she would know the feelings he revealed were for her only. Yeah, right. Since he was reaching for straws he should aim higher. Why didn’t he just wish for the perfect storm to create the perfect sort of destruction so she could come home immediately? Hell, while he was wishing he may as well add that they were married, Flynn had chosen to become their son and they’d already moved into a house near Jordan’s.

  Shane finally shifted into a more acceptable position. He couldn’t wait to get out of there. Even if they didn’t release him, at least he would be in a room with Flynn. They could talk about anything he wanted, as long as they talked about something. His parents were in earlier, reporting that Flynn seemed less distrustful of them than he had been when Shane left them. He was even somewhat relaxed when Shane visited him after that awful dinner. He sounded interested when Shane explained how his mom had insisted that he and his brother both learn their way around the kitchen. Maybe he could use that as a starting point for something they could do together. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, introducing Flynn to average family life. He also knew, without a doubt that every argument would be worth it in the end. They’d find a balance that suited them both somehow. If only he could be equally sure about his future with Alyssa.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Flynn tried to listen to the doctor but Shane kept distracting him. Why was he shifting around like that? If Flynn didn’t know better, he’d think the guy was worried about something. Flynn’s heart sank. Maybe Shane was. Maybe he’d decided that he didn’t want him and was working on a way to admit that he was breaking all the promises he made to Flynn over the past few days. That had to be it. Flynn raised his chin a notch and twisted his face into his practiced scowl. Who needs him anyway? He’d been fine on his own before the cop had come along. So what if he’d made Flynn want things again. So what if he’d had Flynn thinking that some of what he’d said might actually happen. So what if Flynn had found some of the hope that he’d thought was gone forever. No matter where he was dumped, Flynn could get away. He couldn’t go back to the city again but there were plenty of others. He was sick of winter anyway. He could head south and find some place warm all year round. Soon as he could move better he’d be off. Sounded like a plan to him. It was always better once you had a plan.

  “Ready to go men?” Danny asked as Shane and Flynn appeared on the sidewalk. He had waited in the car.

  “Sure are,” Shane answered. “Flynn, why don’t you ride up front so you can take a look around?”

  “Whatever,” Flynn grumbled. Why should he bother to look around when he was heading to some center? It’s not like he’d need to learn his way around this hick town. He’d never be back, that’s for sure.

  Flynn barely listened as Shane and Danny chatted warmly all the way to the house. His heart was racing and he was trying to ignore the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was just like Shane described, a sleepy little town, with lots of kids hanging out in the yards they passed. He even saw some tree houses in a few of them. He had been interested when Shane told him about the one he and his brother and their friends had built behind Shane’s house. Danny and Rose assured him it was still there and in decent shape. Over the years, some of the other neighborhood kids had hung out there and Danny kept it safe for them.

  Too bad he’d never see it himself. Why had he listened when Shane told him repeatedly of the things they could do together? Why had he paid attention to the stories all three of them told him of Shane’s childhood? Why had he bothered imagining himself in similar situations? Who was he kidding? These people weren’t keeping him. Hell, Shane probably wasn’t even quitting being a cop. He would go right back, as soon as his leg was better. They were only messing with him, letting him stay until Shane left, before they dumped him off. Hopefully, they would keep him that long. He’d at least get to eat some of the dinners Rose swore she was going to cook for him. Yeah, he’d stay that long. As soon as Shane started talking about going home though, that was it. He was out of there, no matter how much it still hurt to move. He’d just have to travel slowly and stay out of sight. He wasn’t sure he could defend himself right now so he’d have to pick carefully before he took a ride from someone.

  Shane could feel the tension vibrating from Flynn and wished there were words to put him at ease. It would take time for Flynn to trust him. Until then, he’d be consistent and wait for Flynn to realize that neither one of them was going anywhere. He knew Flynn wasn’t paying attention but kept talking to his father anyway. Flynn would learn soon enough that his opinion mattered.

  Shane was determined not to push. He’d let Flynn help set the pace to what came next and not put them on any timetable. He wanted to spend the next week making the boy feel comfortable before he had to go back to the city and end his life there. He also had to do something about a more permanent home for them. As much as he valued his parents’ influence, Shane still felt that a home near Jordan and Brett would be better in the long run. He knew the two of them would do wonders to put Flynn at ease, just by being themselves, more than he could alone. And when Alyssa came home they’d be closer to her. Oops, now was not the time to start thinking about her. He’d figure out that situation when she got back. For now, he’d concentrate of Flynn.

  “Here we are,” Shane stated. “I got you some loose shorts and T-shirts for now. You can pick out things yourself once we’re both moving a little better. How about I show you your room and you make yourself at home?” Flynn nodded, his eyes filled with trepidation. “The doctor said you could take a shower as long as you’re careful so go ahead if you feel like it.” Flynn slowly hobbled toward the door. “Hey Flynn,” Shane stopped him as Danny went inside. “Everything will work itself out. I promise.”

  “Uh-huh.” Flynn shrugged as if not trusting himself to say more.

  Shane sat awkwardly on the front step and waited for Flynn to join him. “I know this is a big change for you. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, putting yourself in the hands of strangers. I know that you’ve had very little reason to trust anyone in your life up to now. All I’m asking is that you give this a chance. One day at a time, okay?”

  “Yeah,” Flynn agreed.

  “Just remember, you can talk to me about anything. I will listen. I’m not saying I’ll always agree but that’s life.” When Flynn looked doubtful, Shane continued, “F
lynn, I know I’m asking a hell of a lot here but you need to try to accept this without proof. We can disagree. I’m sure we’ll even argue at times. I’ll make you mad and you’ll push me but that isn’t going to change things. We’re in this together, whatever comes along.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “And I’ll continue to until you finally believe it. I know we’re both facing lots of changes, Flynn. I have no way of knowing how your life made you feel before. All I can do is promise that you won’t have to deal with things on your own now. You’re not alone anymore. If you give me time, I’ll do my best to prove to you that you can trust me. I already know that I can trust you since you saved my life in that alley. As my parents are sure to say repeatedly in the coming weeks, listen to your heart, Flynn. Listen to what it wants. Have faith in your instincts. I won’t ever intentionally hurt you and I’ll work hard not to let you down.”

  “You make it sound easy.”

  “It won’t be. We have a lot to learn about each other and you’ll have to be patient with me when I screw up. I didn’t grow up like you did. I’m going to step on your toes because I’ll probably make the mistake of treating you like a kid instead of someone who has taken care of himself for most of his life. When I do, please just tell me. Try not to tune me out and don’t ever worry about what you say. As long as you’re honest, we’ll work through anything that comes up.”

  “You act like you’re scared.”

  “I am,” Shane admitted, much to Flynn’s surprise. “You mean a lot to me. You’re important. I’ve never done anything like this and I’m scared to death that I’ll screw up.”