Forbidden by Faith

by Negeen Papehn

  Armed with a little more courage, I turned and faced his mother. She looked up at me through puffy, tired, eyes.

  “Would you like some chayee? You haven’t had much to eat today. Can I get you some food?”

  She looked startled for a second, like she had no idea who I was. When she didn’t respond, Parviz spoke up.

  “Yes, aziz, we would love some, if you don’t mind.”

  “No problem,” I said, smiling at him.

  Her disorientation didn’t offend me. It was obvious that the trauma of the past week had taken its toll on her. She was unable to function from the debilitating effects of her grief.

  “Bita?” I asked, turning toward Maziar’s sister. I didn’t flinch as I saw Leyla’s jaw drop in my peripheral vision.

  “Coffee…please,” she stammered. I’d caught her off guard.

  “Sure,” I said, walking out the door

  “Well played, my friend, well played,” Leyla said teasingly, once we were out of earshot. “Seriously, what was all that?”

  “I don’t know. I was just being polite. Plus, I’m so tired of fighting. I don’t care if I have to be the one to swallow my pride if it means we can at least stop hating each other. It’s exhausting.”

  “Well I’m proud of you. It takes guts to play with the lions,” she said, still beaming at me.

  “Thanks.”

  We walked slowly to the cafeteria, needing a break from the confines of the hospital room. Maziar’s lack of consciousness was driving me mad, so I was relishing anything that would allow me a break from the worry and fear at his bedside. We got the coffees and teas and I bought a few cookies and muffins in case anyone was hungry. None of us had eaten or slept much in the past few days. We all appeared gaunt and haggard with dark circles under our eyes and deep lines etched across our foreheads. Sugar would do us all a little good.

  On our way back to the room, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I handed the drinks over to Leyla as we stopped in the hall so I could check it. I gasped.

  1:15 I’m downstairs.

  “What is it?” Leyla asked.

  “It’s Ben,” I said, looking at her. “He’s here.” I could feel the dread coursing through my veins as if it had replaced my blood.

  “That’s not good.”

  “No, it’s not!” I replied, panicked.

  She reached out and grabbed the remaining snacks from my hands, strategically placing them in her arms so she could carry all the goods back to the room herself.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, suddenly terrified she was leaving me.

  “Well your boyfriend is downstairs in the lobby of the hospital where your ex-boyfriend is staying. You’re supposed to be on your way to your new apartment as we speak. Instead, you’re here.” She looked me in the eye. “I think it’s about time you deal with this situation, don’t you?”

  “I don’t want to,” I said, shaking my head.

  “I don’t think that really matters.” She gave me a little nudge with her elbow. “You can do this.” Then, she walked into the elevator, leaving me alone in the cold, unfamiliar hallway.

  I had known this conversation was coming—it was inevitable. But I’d spent the past week in a constant battle of my head and heart. I still wasn’t sure what to say. Ben was the reliable choice. We had built a solid future together, and now I was backing out of so many promises. I knew Ben was the better choice.

  But hearing that something had happened to Maziar had turned my world on its axis. Feelings I had suppressed years ago had rushed through the walls I’d erected. Now I couldn’t turn them off, no matter how much I tried. I was still in love with him. I wasn’t sure I’d ever really stopped.

  I saw Ben as soon as I walked into the lobby. He was standing at the far wall, staring thoughtfully out the window at something beyond the glass. I could see his profile as I neared him. The dark circles under his eyes were prominent and his cheekbones jutted out more noticeably, as if he’d lost weight in the past few days. He looked tired. He turned instinctively as I approached.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey, doll,” he replied. A familiar pang rushed through my chest.

  “How are you?” I asked, knowing it was a stupid question. It was obvious in the way he looked.

  He didn’t respond, just stared at me as if he were trying to come up with the right words to say. The anxiety continued to build, as the silence stretched before us.

  “The car is packed. Today is moving day,” he said, very matter-of-fact, as if he were making an observation.

  “I know,” I replied. I forced myself to look him in the eye, despite wanting to stare at the floor.

  “Are you coming?” he asked.

  “I can’t. Not today,” I said. He didn’t flinch, already knowing my answer. In a futile attempt to rectify the situation, I continued, “But I still have time. We don’t start work for another week. I’ll be right behind you.”

  “Please stop lying,” he responded. I could see the anger clouding his crystal-blue eyes as he struggled to maintain control. “From the moment Maziar got into the accident, you’d made up your mind that you were going back to him. You’re acting as if the last two years meant nothing to you.”

  “Ben, that’s not true.”

  “Isn’t it? You came running over here without thinking how it would affect us. I tried to convince myself that you were just concerned, that you felt some irrational loyalty to him, but I knew better. I’ve always known better, Sara.” His voice had gotten louder, his grip slipping on the fragile strings holding him together. People started to look our way but he didn’t notice. “How stupid was I to think you could actually walk away from this guy? You’ve never been able to leave him behind. That’s been your biggest flaw. I should’ve left you years ago when I had the chance.”

  The last of his words stung deep.

  “Ben, I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

  “Oh, save it! Don’t play the martyr, acting like this is all out of your control, like you have no idea what you’ve done to me. I’m sick of it. You aren’t the victim here, Sara. You chew people up and spit them out when they no longer serve their purpose. You were never going to go with me, were you? Not after Neda’s phone call.”

  He searched my eyes for an answer other than what he knew to be true but came up empty. I just stood there, shocked, tears filling my eyes from the truth of his words.

  “Ben, I’m so sorry,” was all I could offer him.

  We stood there amongst a sea of people, yet we were the only two in the room. I wanted to give him some comfort, find a way to make things right for him because he didn’t deserve this, but there was nothing I could do. I’d already done the damage and now I could never take it back.

  “I am, too,” he said. Then, he turned and walked out the door.

  I stared at his back until he became a small dot in my vision, too far to make out the features of his broad shoulders or the lines of the phoenix peeking out through the bottom of his sleeve. I stared at the space he left behind as he turned into the parking lot, realizing our moment in this life was over.

  Then, I turned and went back to Maziar’s room.

  Everyone was where I had left them. I stood in the doorway watching his family hovering around him, realizing that situations like this had a way of mending even the most broken of bridges and creating a small platform for the possibility of change. I didn’t know what would happen if Maziar woke up, whether we’d all continue to grow or return to our old antics. I did know that, years ago, the four of us couldn’t sit in the same room together without an explosion.

  I took my seat, returning to my post by his side. I sat there holding his hand until the sun had set and night had fallen upon us. It was easy to lose track of hours here, sitting in a tiny hospital room, staring at its four white walls, waiting. At six thirty I stood up to leave.

  The breakdown of shifts had gone this way for the past five days. I would leave with Leyla to go home, take a shower, ea
t, and head back around eight thirty. His family left once I got there, his parents returning at midnight to spend the night in the empty bed beside him. I’d return the next morning and start the cycle all over again.

  Parviz and I had written our numbers on a piece of paper beside the phone. There was an understanding between us that at the slightest notice of any change, whoever was here would call the other. I reluctantly stood up, kissing Maziar’s head before I left.

  A half-hour later, I walked through the door of my house. My parents sat nervously on the couch, pretending to watch television. They were both awaiting my arrival, hoping I had good news about Maziar. I looked at them, and without saying a word, I shook my head no. Dad stared at the floor as Mom’s eyes filled with tears.

  Maziar and I might have ended a long time ago, but like me, my parents had never stopped loving him. He’d been a part of my family, an image of my future they had allowed themselves to dream about, and only circumstances had severed our ties. If Maziar’s parents hadn’t been so adamant that we couldn’t be together, I knew my parents would have fully been on board with our relationship. Mom would have continued battling my grandmother, if she were the only one standing in our way.

  I was tired. My muscles ached as if I’d run a marathon and my head hurt from worry. My eyes drooped from exhaustion and my stomach rumbled with hunger. I could have laid my head down, falling asleep for days. But I couldn’t afford to acknowledge my physical state. I had to be strong, to push forward so I could be there when Maziar woke up. If he woke up. The thought felt like a hot knife piercing my stomach.

  Mom got up from the couch and put her arm around my shoulders, leading me back to her spot next to Dad. I let my body sink into the pillows, let the warmth her body had left on the fabric cocoon me. Dad placed his arm around me and pulled me into his side. I put my head on his shoulder.

  “Ben left for Santa Barbara today,” I said wearily.

  “He did?” Dad asked. “When will you be heading up there?”

  I could almost see Mom hold her breath as she waited for me to answer him.

  “I’m not. He’s going alone,” I said.

  Neither of them commented. I knew my parents had both hoped my decision to move with Ben would change, but they never said it out loud. They were trying to avoid any further wars between us. I wanted to be angry that they’d gotten what they wanted, but I didn’t have the energy. Instead, I let Dad comfort me with his embrace. His hand unconsciously made its way to my head as he started to play with my hair like he did when I was younger. The methodical movement lulled me, allowing my muscles to relax further into the cushions. I began to doze off.

  I wasn’t sure how long I slept cuddled up under my dad’s arm, but I was roused by the sound of my brother coming down the hall. I smiled behind closed lids, welcoming the normalcy of the moment. When I opened my eyes, I found Dad glaring at him for waking me.

  “It’s fine, Dad. I have to shower and eat anyway. I need to get back to the hospital,” I said, squeezing his arm as I sat up.

  “How’s Maziar?” Nima asked.

  “He’s the same. He hasn’t woken up.”

  “He will,” he offered encouragingly.

  I just smiled past the hopelessness I felt in my heart. Then, I pulled myself away from the couch and into the shower. I walked into the kitchen a half-hour later to find my family sitting around the table waiting on me to eat dinner.

  I was struck by the immense amount of love I sensed as they looked at me. I had felt alone this past week, but I realized I hadn’t been. They’d been there all along, silently waiting to catch me if I fell. That, in combination with the emotional week, was all it took to unravel me. I started sobbing in the middle of the kitchen.

  Mom began to cry as she watched me slowly break under the weight of it all. Dad murmured soothing words to calm me as Nima held me, letting me shower the side of his shirt with my tears. We stood frozen in time, my family giving me the strength I lacked until I had no tears left to cry.

  “I’m sorry. I’m fine. I’m just really tired and stressed,” I said as I wiped the tears from my face.

  “Maybe you should stay home tonight. I know you want to be there, Sara, but you’re going to get sick like this. Then, you won’t be any good for Maziar,” Mom pleaded.

  “I can’t.”

  She sighed, knowing I wouldn’t budge, and at the same time, understanding why I needed to be there.

  “Okay, sit down and eat something at least. I’ll make you some tea before you go back. We’ll drive you tonight. You can’t drive like this.”

  I didn’t protest. I could barely keep my eyes open, so a half-hour later I welcomed the ride.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  It was eight forty when I walked through Maziar’s hospital room door. His family sat in a semi-circle around his bed, each with their hand reaching out to touch him on one of his limbs. All any of us wanted to do was let him know we were there and he wasn’t fighting alone.

  Parviz looked up at me, his exhaustion covering his face like a mask. He got up and silently gathered his wife and their things, too tired to engage in any conversation. Bita sat in her chair, staring at her brother lying deathly still beneath the white hospital sheets.

  I could feel the pain she was experiencing as she watched him. We were worlds apart, but in that one thing, we were two of the same. We both loved Maziar, each praying to her own God that he’d be okay. For a moment, I felt compassion for the girl who had set the ball rolling in ruining my relationship. I realized that the heart was capable of a lot more forgiving than I’d imagined.

  Once his parents had all their things, his mom placed her hand on Bita’s shoulder, breaking her away from Maziar’s bedside. Reluctantly she stood up, running her hand across his foot as her goodbye.

  “Sara, we’ll be back in a few hours. You’ll call us if anything changes?” Parviz asked.

  “Of course,” I replied, patting the hand he’d placed on my shoulder.

  Once they’d left, I pulled my chair closer to Maziar’s bed and reached out to hold his hand. I’d run out of new things to say so I started to take us both back in time, recollecting moments from our past together. I reminisced about the day we met, how I could feel the electricity course through my veins from the first time his arm brushed up against mine. I took him back to the secret garden where we danced in the rain. I retold the story of when I told my parents about our relationship and praised him for how swiftly he had Mom eating out of his hand. I kept pulling from my scrapbook of memories, trying to fill the emptiness in the room.

  I wanted to feel him, to lie with my hand on his chest like I used to. The hospital rail was creating a barrier, so I crawled over it into the small space beside him. Taking care not to jar any of the tubes that were connected to his body, I lay as close as I could, feeling the rhythm of his heart beat beneath my palm, an unspoken confirmation that he was alive. I dozed off with my head against Maziar’s shoulder.

  I was startled awake when I felt the bed move. I lay frozen, unsure if I’d dreamed it or if Maziar had actually shifted. I held my breath, too terrified to look at him, worried I would only be disappointed when I saw him still lying there motionless. A minute passed before I lifted my head.

  His face was peaceful as if he were just dreaming. The only movement was the rising and falling of his chest as he breathed. I lost the little glimmer of hope that had found its way into my heart just moments ago. I tried to tame my despair, telling myself that Maziar would wake up soon. He had to. I just needed to be patient.

  Midnight came sooner than I’d expected. I heard the shuffle of his parents’ feet in the hallway. I sat up and moved off of the bed before they made their way into the room. I didn’t want them to witness the intimacy I felt lying close to him. I wanted to keep that moment for myself.

  The next morning, I didn’t go straight to the hospital. I was filled with the dread of walking through the door only to find Maziar still lying motionless
on the bed. I wanted him to wake up so badly it hurt. I decided to take a drive first to clear my head.

  Before I knew it, I’d pulled over onto the dirt road leading to the secret garden. As if my body were moving on its own command, I got out and started walking down the trail. The familiar fear of getting lost or stuck was nonexistent this time, even though I was alone. I was propelled forward by the severe need to be hidden under the canopy of its leaves, surrounded by its magic.

  I ducked under the archway of branches, stepping into the fairy garden. It was early, and I was alone. I made my way as far down as I could, sitting on the carpet of grass. The peacefulness grabbed hold of me, breathing new life into my lungs. I instantly felt closer to Maziar, as if his spirit had followed me here, watching me from the cover of trees.

  I began to pray. As the words came out of me, part Arabic, part English, I looked up toward the sky for a confirmation that someone was listening. There was none, and so I hopelessly returned my gaze back to the stream, finding solace in the lapping water.

  “Maziar, if you can hear me somehow, come back to me. I’m sorry I walked away. I’m sorry we wasted so much time. I should have stayed. We should have fought for us. I can’t imagine my life without you. Please don’t leave me. You have to wake up.”

  Tears were streaming down my face; the dam erected long ago no longer existent. It felt freeing to let it out, not having to worry about who was watching, or trying to push my emotions back behind locked doors. For the first time in days, I could finally let go.

  My phone vibrated up against my leg, startling me. I wiped the tears from my cheeks, reaching into my pocket to grab it. Neda’s picture flashed on my screen. I felt a rush of anxiety as I picked it up, bracing for bad news.

  “He’s awake.”

  I came crashing through the door of the hospital room at full speed. Neda’s voice kept replaying in my mind, “He’s awake,” but I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I was terrified I’d get there only to find that it had been a mistake.