Alejandro's Sexy Secret

by Amy Ruttan

  You’re at work. You can’t have him. He’s bad for your heart.

  It was that sobering thought that made her push him away. Why was she so weak when it came to him? Why couldn’t she control herself when she was around him?

  “We can’t do this,” she said.

  “We can.”

  And she glanced up to see those dark eyes full of lust, the same dark, burning desire that she was feeling for him.

  “I want you too, Kiri. You make me crazy with wanting you.”

  This was wrong. She should stop him, but she couldn’t. She wanted him so badly she didn’t care anymore.

  She’d been numb and living in a fog so long. She wanted to live again.

  To feel.

  And not feel the blinding, raw pain she’d buried deep inside.

  She just wanted passion. Release.

  In this room it was just the two of them.

  Just them, and that’s what she wanted, even though she knew he didn’t want that. It wasn’t a permanent thing so right now she’d savor every moment that she had with him.

  She crossed to the door of the exam room. Turned the key in the lock, sealing them in, shutting out the real world.

  Hot and wild with need, she shimmied out of her underwear and hiked up her skirt as she helped him undo his scrub pants. He was hard and ready for her. Just like she was ready for him. She’d been ready for him the moment she’d laid eyes on him.

  Alejandro hefted her up and pressed her against the wall, inching up her skirt. She wrapped her legs around his waist, her hands gripping his shoulders, holding on for dear life as he thrust into her.

  “Kiri,” he moaned. “Why do I want you so much?”

  Kiri didn’t answer; all she did was bite her bottom lip so hard she tasted blood. She was trying not to cry out in pleasure.

  If all she could have was this moment with him, she was going to revel in it.

  “You feel so good... Dios...” he moaned against her neck as he thrust into her.

  She wanted to tell him she loved him. There was so much she wanted to say to him but couldn’t because she didn’t want to get her heart broken. He’d been so clear that he couldn’t give her anything.

  You should’ve resisted him. You should’ve kept far away.

  And she’d tried to resist him, so many times, but each time she’d failed. He was always there and she was drawn to him. She was a weak fool and she tried to stop the tears of emotion that were welling up inside. The last thing she wanted to do was cry. She didn’t want Alejandro to see her tears.

  Right now she just wanted to savor this moment of being with him. Of him buried inside her, their bodies pressed together as they moved as one.

  She came quickly and he followed soon after.

  This was all so wrong. Wanting him when he didn’t want more, but when it came to Alejandro she was so weak. So very weak.

  Hot tears streaked down her cheeks and he saw them.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No.”

  He wiped the tears away with his thumb. “Tell me about it.”

  “What is there to tell?”

  “A lot more. How did it happen? How did you lose our baby?”

  She sighed. “Because of my hostile uterus, my cervix dilated. They couldn’t stop it. I was only twenty-three weeks along. There was nothing to be done.”

  His head dropped. “A boy or a girl?”

  “A boy.” Her words caught in her throat. “His lungs weren’t ready. He never took a breath.”

  He nodded. “I’m sorry that happened to you. Was he buried?”

  “In Manhattan.”

  Alejandro nodded again and she began to cry more as he held her tight. “I’m so sorry.”

  “I know. Me too.” She gave him a wobbly smile, but still couldn’t help the tears.

  He smoothed the tears from her face as her sobs subsided. He kissed first one damp cheek and then the other. Carefully, tenderly. Then he caught her lips with his own in a slow, lingering kiss that ignited the fires of passion in her once again.

  What’re you doing? Stop this.

  Only she couldn’t because she was so helplessly in love with him. He was the only one for her. He was the only one she wanted. She was completely ruined for all other men. It was him or nothing.

  You’re a fool.

  “I can’t get enough of you, Kiri,” he murmured as he broke the contact momentarily. “Why is that?” he asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you want me to stop?” he asked, kissing her neck now. “I’ll stop if you want me to.”

  Yes, the rational part of her screamed, the part of her that wanted to protect her already fragile heart from being hurt again. Only she couldn’t say no. She didn’t want to say no.

  “No, I don’t want you to stop.”

  I never want you to stop.

  “Good, because I don’t think that I can,” he moaned as he thrust into her.

  “Then don’t,” she whispered, pulling him down to kiss him again.

  So very weak.

  * * *

  He held her tight against him as their breathing returned to normal. This was not how he was going to get over her. Last night, being with her, he’d realized it wasn’t just that he desired her or that he was attracted to her.

  He was in love with her and it terrified him to his very core.

  His plan had been to avoid her for the next few days, but he was slowly coming to realize that he needed her. Like air or water. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to forget about the pain he’d caused her. The guilt ate away at him. He hadn’t been there. She’d been alone. Yet one moment with her and what had happened? They’d locked themselves in an unused exam room and he’d taken her twice. He just couldn’t get enough of her when he was around her. He just had to have her again and again.

  There’s a solution to your problem.

  He shook that thought away. He couldn’t give her all she deserved.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.” He helped her back up from the exam table, which wobbled slightly as they got up.

  “It’s okay, neither did I.” She straightened her skirt and hair, while he pulled up his scrub pants.

  “This is going to be tricky.”

  “What is going to be tricky?” she asked.

  “Us around each other.”

  “Agreed,” Kiri said. “Very tricky.”

  “So what’re we going to do about it?” he asked.

  “Try harder not to succumb?” she suggested.

  “Unless we just say screw it and date.” The words shocked him as well as her. He didn’t want to date her, or that was the plan, but being around her he couldn’t get enough of her. He’d been very clear when they’d first got together and now he was reneging on the deal. Alejandro could see the disappointment on her face. She didn’t want to be serious with him.

  Which was what he’d wanted in the first place. And all the percentages of heart-transplant survival rates swirled around in his mind. Twenty-two years was the median and he was at twenty-one. He could be on the UNOS list next year. He was being selfish in wanting her.

  It terrified him.

  “Alejandro...” She was going to say something more, but then her pager went off. “It’s the baby!”

  “What?”

  “Gervaso, it’s a 911 page.”

  “Oh, God, no.” He ripped open the door.

  His heart raced at a thousand beats a minute as he thought about all the things that could go wrong with Gervaso’s heart. And all the variables terrified him. They ran out of the exam room toward the neonatal intensive care unit. When they got there Dr. Robinson and his team were working o
n Gervaso. The NICU had been cleared of all nonessential personnel and Alejandro winced as he saw them use the defibrillators on the tiny infant.

  Gervaso couldn’t die.

  He was supposed to live. That’s why the mother had dropped him at the hospital, wasn’t it? That’s why he and Kiri had been destined to find him. Gervaso was supposed to live. He wasn’t supposed to die in a world-class facility while waiting for a heart. He wasn’t supposed to die like his son had died.

  The child he hadn’t even known he’d had until recently.

  The child he’d never wanted.

  The child he’d lost.

  His blood. His flesh.

  Now Gervaso was dying. He could see that.

  You can’t let this happen. This is not how it’s supposed to be.

  Alejandro took a step in but Samantha stopped him. “You can’t, Dr. Valentino.”

  “I’m his doctor. His transplant doctor,” he said fiercely.

  “You’re not, though, Alejandro,” Kiri said gently. “You’re his guardian. You’re not allowed in there.”

  “You’re all the family he has,” Samantha said. “And family is not allowed in there when the doctors are working. You know that.”

  It hit him hard. Like a punch to the gut.

  Gervaso’s family. That was him. He didn’t want to be that baby’s family. He just wanted to help the baby get a new heart. To have a second chance and then find his real family.

  You can be his family. You are his family.

  And as the boy’s family he couldn’t go in there. His hands were tied and he felt completely useless standing there.

  “What am I going to do?” He cursed under his breath a few choice words and raked his hands through his hair. “He needs me. I’m the best transplant surgeon there is.”

  “I know you are,” Kiri said. “But he doesn’t have a heart yet. There’s nothing you can do and legally there’s really nothing that you can do because you’re his guardian.”

  “Someone has to be there, someone who can help,” he pleaded with her.

  “I’ll go,” Kiri said. “I’ll take care of him.”

  Alejandro nodded as Kiri slipped inside the NICU to help. And all he could do was stand by and watch helplessly as his only chance for any kind of family was on the other side of a glass partition.

  And it was slipping away from him.

  * * *

  “We’re losing him!” Dr. Robinson shouted. “I need zero point zero one of epinephrine stat! Damn, this kid’s vessels are so small. I can barely get a Norwood done on him.”

  Kiri couldn’t do much to assist Dr. Robinson, but she was there, watching little Gervaso struggling to live. His little heart was giving out and everything was moving in slow motion. So all she did was hold the retractor and try to help Robinson navigate the small, delicate vessels of a preemie’s heart.

  Gervaso’s heart.

  And she was taken back to that moment when she’d been bleeding out and learning the sad truth that her baby was gone.

  Even though Gervaso wasn’t her child, she didn’t want him to slip away. Alejandro may deny that he was that child’s family, but she saw the way he was with him. He’d named him. Alejandro was this boy’s family.

  Alejandro was about to lose another child and it tore her up completely and she felt like it was her fault because at this moment she was useless.

  Come on.

  She closed her eyes and said a little prayer.

  Then she heard a heartbeat and she opened her eyes.

  “We got him,” Dr. Robinson shouted.

  “He’s going to be okay?” Kiri asked.

  “For now, but this will happen again and the next time he won’t survive. He needs a new heart.”

  Kiri nodded. “I’ll check with UNOS again.”

  “Let them know what happened here today. It will probably bump him up on the list,” Dr. Robinson said.

  “I will.” Kiri looked down at little Gervaso, intubated and so small. In that small face she saw her lost baby and she couldn’t help but reach out and touch his little fist. Longing shot through her.

  Hold on.

  She had to get out of the operating room. She couldn’t stand to see Gervaso like this. To know that Alejandro would be heartbroken if the baby died. It was all too much for her because she understood that pain and if she lingered then she was in danger of having that happen to her again. She couldn’t let that happen again.

  Kiri peeled off her gown and gloves and scrubbed out.

  She headed out of the OR and saw Alejandro pacing in the hall. His expression was broken and he looked defeated. Even though he didn’t want to admit it, he cared.

  “Well?” he asked the moment his gaze landed on her.

  “He’s stabilized. I’m about to call UNOS and let them know about his progression. We’re hoping this will bump him up the transplant list.”

  “Okay.”

  Kiri touched his arm. “He’s a fighter.”

  “Can you honestly say that he’ll pull through this?” Alejandro asked. “The odds are against him.”

  “Miracles do happen.” Though she was one to talk. She wasn’t even sure that she believed in miracles.

  “I want you to do the surgery.”

  “I can’t,” she whispered. “Don’t make me.”

  “Make you?” Alejandro snapped. “What’re you talking about?”

  “I can’t operate on that baby.”

  “Why? You’re not related to him.” Alejandro froze. “You care for him?”

  “I...I don’t think... You can get a neonatologist to work on him.”

  “Kiri, he’s not a neonate, he’s premature, yes, but he falls under your jurisdiction. You’ve done heart transplants and I need you to do this. I need you to save him. For me. Please.”

  “Don’t make me operate on him. I can’t do it. I can’t lose another baby.” Tears slipped from her eyes, because there was no controlling them now. When Gervaso had coded and she’d watched them trying to bring him back from cardiac death, it had all become too real for her. When she’d miscarried their baby, she’d been far enough along to hold their son in her arms. To weep over him and to bury him in a tiny white coffin.

  She couldn’t do it again. If Alejandro wasn’t going to adopt Gervaso, she was. So she didn’t want to operate on him.

  “What’re you talking about?”

  “Our baby,” she said. “I lost our baby.”

  Alejandro frowned “I know. I know you did.”

  “If Gervaso dies, it will be my fault this time.”

  “This time?” he asked confused. “Whose fault was it last time?”

  “Yours, your fault...I blamed you for so long. You weren’t there to help me.”

  “It was my fault that our baby died?” He shook his head in confusion. “How? I didn’t know. I would’ve helped had I known.”

  “Yeah, sure, you’ve made it clear you don’t want kids. You have no idea the depth of my pain. You’re not the one who lost the baby,” Kiri yelled, all the anger that she’d been keeping pent up inside her coming out. “You don’t know what I went through. The pain I felt. I did it all alone. You weren’t there!”

  “How could I be there? I didn’t know!”

  “Exactly. It was my pain to bear. Not yours.”

  “It could be my pain to bear, but you’re scared. So scared you won’t even help out a child who needs you. Losing our baby wasn’t your fault any more than it was my fault, but if you don’t do this surgery on Gervaso you will be responsible for his death. It will be your fault!”

  Kiri slapped him hard because he was right but also because she wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to feel the sting of what she’d gone through when she’d lost the
ir baby. He would never know the pain, because he hadn’t been there.

  Alejandro held his cheek, his eyes like thunder.

  “I’m not the only one afraid,” she said. “You’re so afraid of having a family because you lost your parents. You say that you carry a piece of your father inside you, you want to be like the man he was, but from what you’re telling me you’re nothing like him. Your father brought your family to a new country to give them a new start. It sounds like your father was a brave man and you’re too afraid of loving and losing that you’re losing what you could have. You’re a coward, Alejandro Valentino.”

  She turned on her heel and ran from him because she didn’t want him to see her cry. He didn’t deserve to have her tears. To share in this pain. It was a little too late for that, but then again he was right to call her a coward too.

  She was afraid of losing a child again.

  The pain was too much. It hurt too badly and she was terrified of feeling this strongly for someone. She was terrified of acting on her feelings for Alejandro, of admitting out loud that she was in love with him. And she was terrified of loving Gervaso. Of wanting to be a mother so desperately but too afraid of losing it all.

  That she wanted all Alejandro had to offer, even though he wasn’t even sure about what he was offering yet.

  He didn’t even know if he wanted Gervaso for the rest of his life.

  Could she really put her heart at risk like that? Especially with someone who didn’t want kids?

  Her smartphone rang. She cleared her throat. “Dr. Bhardwaj speaking.”

  “Yes, this is the United Network of Organ Sharing. Are you the surgeon responsible for Gervaso Valentino?”

  “Yes,” she said, her voice shaking.

  “We have a heart at County. It will be ready in the next couple of hours. Are you able to come?”

  Her hands shook because it was so close that she would go and retrieve the heart and because it was so close she knew that somewhere in this city someone was mourning a loss. Tears stung her eyes. They could bear the pain and so could she. She had to.

  She was a surgeon.