Alejandro's Sexy Secret

by Amy Ruttan

  She cleared her throat. “Yes. I will be there within the hour.”

  She hung up the phone, gripping it tightly in her fist.

  She could do this.

  She had to do this.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  ALEJANDRO STOOD THERE, STUNNED. The imprint of her palm was still stinging his cheek. He’d deserved it, though. He’d said heartless things to her. She had lost their child alone. He hadn’t been there; she hadn’t deserved that. He should’ve been there. His child had died.

  Things she didn’t deserve, but he was still trying to process the rush of emotions flowing through him. Emotions that he’d kept at bay for so long.

  He wasn’t sure what he was feeling.

  And then it hit him that he’d lost a baby and he was on the verge of losing another. He stared at Gervaso in the neonatal intensive care unit, isolated and hooked up to so many machines. The nurses who were handling him were now gowned and masked.

  If a heart wasn’t found it would be only a matter of days before his little body gave out. And if Gervaso died, what would become of his heart?

  Dios mio.

  He was completely helpless and lost.

  How had his brothers coped?

  How had Kiri coped? And then tears rolled down his cheeks. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried. And then it hit him. He remembered in complete Technicolor the last time he’d cried. It was a memory he’d blocked because it was too painful.

  The last time he’d cried had been the night Santiago had left for the Army. They’d just gotten the note and Alejandro had realized that he was on his own. Dante and Rafe were working hard to support them all.

  He’d decided that, being fifteen, he was too old to cry, even though being alone in the night had scared him. At night he’d remembered the shooting, losing his parents. Even before then the night had always scared him. He’d cried because he’d missed his mother, who had soothed his bad dreams. He’d cried for his father who’d always had a joke.

  He’d cried for Dante’s and Rafe’s smiles and gentle good-natured ribbing and Santiago, who had always been in the next bed, snoring his head off.

  He’d been alone and had missed his family.

  So he’d cried one last time when at fifteen and had never shed another tear again, because he’d been on his own. He’d had to take care of himself. He hadn’t had a family anymore.

  Except now he did.

  Kiri and Gervaso were his family. As much as he wanted to deny it, he couldn’t. Now he was on the verge of losing another family and it was too much to bear.

  You have to bear it.

  He couldn’t ever have a family. His future was so uncertain. How could he give Gervaso and Kiri any sort of life? He was living on borrowed time. And as he thought of that, his head spun. Beads of sweat broke out across his brow.

  Alejandro glanced up to see Kiri coming towards him. He wiped the tears away because he didn’t want Kiri to see them. As she got close he saw she was wearing a Buena Vista jacket and was carrying an organ transplant cooler.

  She gave a solemn nod, keeping a professional calm about her, though from her red eyes he could see she’d been crying. Tears he’d caused. “There’s a heart at County Hospital.”

  “Kiri,” he said, “you don’t have to do this. If you can’t—”

  “I do have to do this.” She glanced through the NICU’s glass windows sadly. “There’s no one else to do this. Gervaso deserves a chance at life.”

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  “I’m sorry too. It will be okay. He’ll pull through.” Kiri cleared her throat. “It will give him a chance to live. A chance for a real family to love him, since it’s clear you don’t want to adopt him.”

  It was a dig and he deserved it. He knew in that moment that Kiri’s heart was lost to him.

  “But you’re going to retrieve—”

  She held up her hand to silence him, her dark eyes flashing. “I know very well what I’m going to retrieve. I know what I’m walking into. Don’t remind me. I’m not doing this for you.”

  Her voice trembled a bit and he wanted to pull her close and tell her he was sorry that he hadn’t been there for her five years ago when she’d delivered their child. He wanted to tell her that it would be okay. She could do this. Only he knew she didn’t want to hear it from him now. Not when he was making her do this for him.

  This impossible thing that would hurt her and possibly close her heart to him forever.

  “Thank you,” was all he managed to say.

  “You asked me once to give him a middle name,” Kiri said.

  “I did. Names give strength.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “Aatmaj is my father’s name. It means ‘son’ and I think it’s fitting, don’t you?”

  “Was that what you were going to call our baby?” he asked, trying not to let her see that it was eating him up inside, but it was. He’d lost a child, one he’d never known he’d had.

  A child he hadn’t even known he’d wanted.

  Until now, because it had been with her.

  The woman he loved.

  The woman he’d lost.

  The only woman who had been able to reach him, but he couldn’t say those words out loud. If he said them out loud then there was a possibility that it wouldn’t come true. That Gervaso would die and he’d be alone.

  He’d lose his heart.

  It’s already lost.

  She nodded once and then turned, walking away from him to retrieve Gervaso’s heart.

  He nodded solemnly and all he could do was drop his head and pray for all the things he’d never known he’d wanted.

  All the things he was so close to losing.

  And he couldn’t leave it like this.

  He started to run after her and caught her as she was heading out of the ambulance bay. He caught her by the arm, spinning her round and kissing her.

  It caught her off guard and he was almost expecting her to slap him again, but instead she kissed him back, touching his face in reassurance. He needed that.

  “Thank you,” he said again.

  Kiri’s dark eyes twinkled with unshed tears, tears she was fighting to hold back. “You’re welcome, but don’t ever do that again. I don’t need your kisses or want them.”

  Thanking her had not been what he’d wanted to say, but he’d found himself choking on the words. How could he say it when he wasn’t sure he could give her his entire self? And she’d made it clear she didn’t want him, but what did he expect?

  He let her go, watching her as she climbed into the back of the ambulance. Alejandro watched until it left.

  He wandered away from the ambulance bay and, feeling lost, he found himself standing in front of the church chapel. There was no priest in there, but that was okay. Alejandro didn’t need absolution right now.

  Don’t you?

  He hadn’t been inside a church in so long. His brothers had never really enforced it. The only time in his youth he’d gone after his parents had died had been when the nuns at school would force him to go.

  He took an uneasy step and then stepped back.

  There had been so many things he’d done wrong with his life, would he even be welcome? And his whole life he hadn’t even been sure he believed in God. Not after what had happened to his parents. Taking a deep breath, he walked into the chapel.

  There were prayer candles burning so Alejandro picked up a fresh one and lit it. He set it down and closed his eyes, sending up a prayer for Gervaso. For Kiri and her strength and for himself. For the child they had lost.

  All he wanted was another chance at a family, a chance at happiness, and he was worried that he’d blown it. The chapel began to spin and he felt light-headed.

&
nbsp; He was standing there helplessly like a fool, staring at a wall of flickering candles, when he got a page about Casey.

  Dios mio. Not another one.

  Right now he had to bury all the feelings raging inside him. Right now he had to be a surgeon. He left the chapel and headed up to the pediatric critical care unit where they had been monitoring Casey since her surgery.

  When he got to Casey’s room his resident rushed the chart over to him and he could see from the catheter bag that Casey was bleeding again.

  “She spiked a fever and complained of pain, separate from her incision pain, and then her urine output stopped.”

  “The shunt has probably become dislodged, which has torn open her ureter most likely.” Alejandro cursed under his breath. “Get permission from Casey’s parents and prep her for surgery.”

  “Yes, Dr. Valentino.”

  Alejandro headed off to the scrub room. He had to focus on Casey right now and he had to bury all the anxiety he was feeling about Gervaso right now. Another child needed him.

  * * *

  Kiri had been dreading this moment. It was like she was reliving her loss over again. She closed her eyes as she waited for the surgeon to call her forward. She’d be the last to go up. The heart was always the last organ to be removed. And then a life would end.

  Don’t think about it.

  She learned that the donor in question had been born with a chromosome disorder and was brain-dead, but it didn’t make it any easier and she sent up a silent prayer for that little one, an old Hindu prayer that her grandmother had taught her. Just a simple prayer that would send blessings, for the parents who were grieving, for the little life that had never had a chance.

  “Dr. Bhardwaj?”

  Kiri stepped forward.

  “Walking with the heart,” the doctor said, carrying the bowl with the preservation fluid. They placed the heart in a bag with fluid into her container. She snapped it shut. When she was out of the operating room she called Buena Vista.

  “Robinson speaking.”

  “Prep Gervaso Valentino for a heart transplant. I will be there in thirty.”

  “Will do.”

  Kiri disconnected the call and moved as fast as she could to the ambulance bay. She was trying to process all her feelings now, to get them out of the way so that she could operate on Gervaso. If Gervaso died Alejandro would never forgive her and she would never forgive herself.

  Dr. Robinson would be there, but he’d never done a transplant on an infant this small before. Usually it was Alejandro who handled transplants this small. It was his specialty, only his hands were tied. He couldn’t be in there. If he was it could jeopardize any future adoption for Alejandro if he wished to pursue it, though she seriously doubted he would. She hadn’t even seen him shed a tear for their child.

  At least she had done transplants on babies this small and the two of them could do this together.

  They had to do it.

  She had to save Gervaso, for Alejandro’s sake.

  And for you.

  That thought scared her, but it was true. She didn’t want to lose Gervaso and she didn’t want to lose Alejandro. Even though Alejandro had made it clear he didn’t want her.

  She wanted them to be her family.

  For so long she’d been mourning her loss and been too afraid to reach out and take what she actually wanted. She wanted a family. Wanted to be a mother, more than anything.

  She wanted love and she didn’t want to spend her life alone.

  The ride to Buena Vista was smooth. Kiri drowned out the sounds of the siren blaring and held tight to the cooler that held the heart. When she got to the hospital she was whisked up to the operating room where Dr. Robinson and the team were prepping Gervaso.

  She handed the heart to a scrub nurse and scrubbed in. The nurse would take care of the heart and place it in preservation fluid. Dr. Robinson would be placing Gervaso on bypass and removing his wee damaged heart while she inspected the donor heart and went over the plan of attack.

  You can do this.

  She walked into the operating room and saw the little body on the table...

  “It was a boy.”

  Kiri held out her arms and took the tiny boy wrapped in a towel. His eyes hadn’t even opened and he was so small.

  “My baby.” She wept. The pain was too intense, so hard to bear that she didn’t know how she was going to go on living. “My baby.” Her little boy who she’d been going to name after his father.

  She shook the memory away because this baby was stronger. This was her baby and he would live.

  Oh, God, please, help me.

  The nurse gowned and gloved her. She went over to the heart in the stainless-steel bowl. Such a small heart, but it was good.

  “The baby is on bypass, Dr. Bhardwaj, and the old heart has been removed. We’re ready for the donor heart,” Dr. Robinson said.

  Kiri nodded and headed over to the table, taking over the lead position. A nurse placed a head lamp on her head and magnifiers over her glasses so she could see all the small vessels.

  “Walking with the heart,” a nurse shouted.

  “I’m glad you’re here to help,” Dr. Robinson said. “I’m used to working on teenagers and adults. Alejandro has the lighter touch for the young ones.”

  “I’m glad you’re here too, Dr. Robinson. You’re the heart specialist. We can do this together.”

  Dr. Robinson’s eyes crinkled as he smiled behind his mask. “You bet we can.”

  Kiri took a calming breath as the nurse stood next to her, holding the heart. Gently Kiri reached into the bowl and lifted it out, knowing that right now she was holding everything that mattered to her in the palms of her hands.

  You can do this.

  * * *

  Once Casey’s shunt had been stabilized and she was back to producing clear urine, Alejandro got her back up to the ICU and on a new regimen of medications that would help with the flow. He talked briefly to Casey’s parents and reassured them that their daughter would be okay.

  I wonder how Gervaso is?

  He glanced at the clock on the wall of the waiting room because he couldn’t even go down to the surgical floor and be near the operating room. It wasn’t allowed.

  Instead, he paced, watching the clock.

  How do people wait?

  It was driving him mad, waiting. While he waited he tried to take his mind off Gervaso’s surgery and he thought about what Kiri had told him about Mr. Snyder and how they’d wanted the baby to go to County. He thought about all the other children who were now being sent to County because Buena Vista wasn’t taking pro bono cases.

  Alejandro knew that he couldn’t work in a place like this anymore. He had to help every child, no matter what their situation in life.

  That’s what his father would do.

  That’s what his father had done.

  He’d helped those who’d come to his bodega, those who’d been unable to afford to buy anything. His father had helped the needy.

  “I came here to make a better life, Alejandro. I couldn’t make a good life in Heliconia. There was no life left there to live, but here I can help. I can take care of you, your brothers and Mami. And I can take care of everyone who needs me. That is a life worth living. That is a rewarding life.”

  He scrubbed his hand over his face before he pulled out his phone and punched in a familiar number.

  “Hello?” Santi sounded tired on the other end.

  “It’s Alejandro.”

  “Is something wrong? You never call me.”

  “I know I don’t,” Alejandro said, and then he sighed. “Why did you marry Saoirse? I thought you never wanted to get married.”

  “I didn’t, but I fell in love. I couldn’t help it.
I fell so deeply in love with her that the thought of living without her outweighed my fear of possibly losing her.”

  Alejandro nodded. He understood what Santiago was saying.

  “You still there?” Santi asked.

  “I am. I’m just thinking.”

  Santi snorted on the other end. “Well, that’s a first.”

  “I’m adopting a baby,” Alejandro blurted out.

  The other end went silent.

  “Now who is at a loss for words?” Alejandro teased.

  “That’s a huge responsibility,” Santi warned. “What brought this on? You’re not one for responsibility beyond your work.”

  “I know, but he has no one. He’s undergoing a heart transplant right now.”

  “You’re calling me during a heart transplant?” Santiago yelled into the phone.

  “I’m not doing it. I can’t, I’m already his guardian.”

  “Well, that was fast,” Santi said.

  “Not really. I applied a couple of weeks ago. I found him, you see. He was abandoned and sick and the hospital cut the pro bono fund.”

  Santi cursed under his breath. “Really? That’s not good.”

  “I know. I’m thinking of leaving. Going somewhere I can help those in need. I thought I was living like Pappi this way, but if I can’t help those who need it, then I’m not really.”

  “Alejandro, you have to do what’s right for you. You have a piece of Pappi in you, yes, but that shouldn’t define your life. Our parents wanted us to have freedom to choose our paths. Your life is your life. Live it.”

  “My time is limited.”

  “Who says?” Santi snapped.

  “Medicine? Come on, Santi. You’re a doctor too. You’ve read the reports.”

  “Yes, I know, but you didn’t get a transplant because of heart disease and Pappi was in excellent health when he died. You know the statistics better than anyone else. You’ve lived this long. Live your life, idiota!”

  “Oh, yes? Is that what you’re doing now?” Alejandro teased.

  “Yes.” Santiago laughed. “It took me a long time to realize this and you’re even a bigger dunderhead than me. You’re stubborn.”