Bittersweet: Can she rebuild her life?

by Lyz Kelley

  “We?” He leaned sideways to look at the horses calmly waiting. Their breaths were floating like clouds around their heads before drifting away. “I should tell you, I’ve only ridden a horse once, and that was in high school. The big guy didn’t like me much, and tossed me into a pile of manure.”

  Rivers gathered the leather reins in his gloved hands. “Horses are particular who they allow on their backs. Lady and Luck will treat you kind if you don’t kick ’em. They know where they’re going. Let them take you there.”

  Both animals were chestnut red with a splash of white on their foreheads. The placid animals didn’t appear vicious, but then again neither did the brute he’d ridden in his teens.

  “Jack’s got a couple of ATVs. Maybe he’d let me borrow one. We could get where we're going faster.”

  Rivers shook his head. “Not where we're going. Too steep. Equipment like that will get stuck in the mud or snow.”

  He had an uneasy feeling that Rivers had summed up his character and found him lacking. He might be lacking in a few areas, but courage and honor weren’t one of them.

  “I need a minute. Would you like to come in?”

  “I’m good.”

  Heath slowly closed the door while mentally making a list.

  Several minutes later he wore a trash bag over his medical boot, plus a knit cap , and his thickest winter coat, with gloves in hand.

  His cell phone most likely wouldn’t work where they were going, so he handed the device to Chase. “If anyone calls, will you let them know Rivers and I have gone up to Hunter’s Point?”

  “I still think this is a bad idea.”

  “Noted,” he stared at his fellow Marine, who knew better than to try and change his mind. “Jack can coordinate the crews.” He jerked open the door and took a step outside to pull on his gloves.

  “Okay. Let’s do this.”

  Rivers didn’t say anything, just led one of the horses over to the stairs. “Foot in the stirrup, then swing your leg over the saddle. I’ll guide you.”

  Heath didn’t have to ask which leg. He handed him the piece of paper. “You know where this place is?”

  Rivers glanced at the drawing, then at him. “No, but you do.” He did that sniffing-the-air thing again. “We need to go.”

  He wanted to argue and question Rivers further, but a minute later he found himself in a saddle with reins in hand, heading up the mountain ridge.

  He clutched the saddle horn, one leg dangling, the other secured into the stirrup.

  “Trust your horse. Let your body move with her, and she’ll take care of you.”

  Trust. He’d been forced to learn the term in the military. Never had the term trust been applied to a horse.

  But what choice did he have?

  God save him from his misery if he found either his niece or Leza dead.

  He’d never forgive himself.

  Chapter 23

  Leza awoke slowly.

  She’d dreamed of Heath. Not the sexual dreams she’d been having, but a dream about him finding her and Ellie. During the night, she’d dreamed of him caring for her, staying with her, providing comfort.

  For the first time in years, she felt safe.

  How ridiculous was that? Even breathing hurt. She attempted to lift her arm, but the bruised muscles refused. Outside, ice pelted the window glass. If she had any plans to walk out today, they were now crushed.

  She’d be leading Ellie into a snowstorm. Staying put sounded like the best bet.

  They had heat, water, and some food. Way more than Leza could have hoped.

  Stretching out her leg, she whimpered.

  “Are you okay?” a sleepy voice asked from above.

  Leza turned slowly to look at Ellie, who was snuggled under a pile of covers. “I’m fine.” But her condition spooked her.

  How would she take care of Ellie?

  She fantasized about a steaming cup of hot coffee, steel-cut oats with orange blossom honey, and a piece of buttered toast...which didn’t make any sense, since she’d given up heavy carbs for a healthier lifestyle a long time ago.

  A small part of her wondered whether the current circumstances would allow her to live her healthier lifestyle. She was so busted up, she knew her injuries would only be able to heal if they were attended to in time.

  No. She couldn’t think about what-ifs, or she’d end up sliding down the slippery slope of hopelessness.

  She needed sleep. Ellie had already drifted back into a fitful slumber, and Gunther wouldn’t move from his protective, comfy spot.

  For the next few hours, she drifted in and out of sleep. By midafternoon, a familiar pull at her abdomen caught her attention.

  “Not now.” She mentally scrolled through the calendar. Of course, her period had to come a few days early. Just what she needed—an extra complication. She closed her eyes against the sarcasm.

  “Were you talking to me?” Ellie appeared in front of her, wearing her coat.

  Leza’s eyelids creaked open. “Ellie. You’re up.”

  “Gunther needed to go out. This time I made sure to put his leash on.” She held a can an inch from Leza’s nose. “I found this in the cupboard. Can I eat it?”

  She spotted the chair set right up next to the counter in the small kitchen only one person could stand in at a time. She squinted to read the label. “Green beans. I don’t see why not. Can you manage the can opener?”

  “Sure. Mom had one just like it.”

  Yay for Mom. She loved when mothers acted like teachers and encouraged their young to do for themselves.

  “Okay, just be careful. The lid, once opened, can be very sharp.”

  “Okey-dokey-donkey.”

  She skipped to the kitchen like nothing in the world could be wrong. And in her world, maybe nothing was wrong. Gunther sat at the girl’s feet, begging for whatever she poured into the pan. This was an adventure. Exciting. New.

  A fever-caused shiver swept through Leza’s core and rolled into her like a blazing fire. She had a few knots in her back from sleeping sitting on the floor with her back against the metal bed frame. Her thick, dry tongue felt stiff and useless.

  “Ellie, do you mind scooping me a cup of water from the bucket?”

  Ellie reached for a cup just as Gunther barked at the door. “What is it, boy?” Ellie asked, her hand on the door handle.

  “Don’t open the door,” Leza croaked. “It might be the bear.”

  Ellie’s expression exploded with fear. She tugged Gunther back by his collar.

  The door handle turned, and Leza sucked in a breath and willed her body to move. She rolled to her side and stretched to reach the broom leaning against the mantel.

  The door swung open.

  Only the outline of a man could be seen, but she knew that outline. She had run her hands and lips over him, memorizing every surface.

  “Heath!” Ellie screamed, dashed to the door, and jumped into his arms.

  The broom fell to the ground, forgotten.

  “Leza’s hurt.” Ellie pointed over her shoulder.

  “I can see that.” Heath let Ellie slide to the floor. “There’s a man outside. His name is Rivers. If you ask him nicely, he might introduce you to his horses.”

  “Did you ride a horse? You smell like one.” She pinched her nose shut. “I thought you didn’t like horses.”

  “I don’t. But for you, I’d do just about anything, Squirt.”

  How miraculously kids rebound.

  Heath ran a hand down the side of Ellie’s head. “Go on. Let me see to Leza.”

  At the prospect of making friends with a horse, Ellie darted outside.

  Heath pulled a saddlebag off his shoulder, tossing it on the bed, then fumbled his way to a seated position by Leza to lean against the bed frame. The firelight reflected off the tears in his eyes. “I expected to find you both dead.” He swallowed a couple of times. “I’ve been through a lot, but I don’t think I could have handled losing you both.”

&n
bsp; She leaned into his outstretched arm to feel the warmth of his body. “I’m still here, although I think my wrist is broken, and I have a pretty bad gash on my leg. The doctors won’t be happy about picking shredded denim out of a bloody wound.”

  “You have a fever.” The look he gave her went bone-deep. “Anything else?”

  A cramp in her abdomen reminded her about her forthcoming period, but he didn’t need those types of details. Instead, she managed a quarter of a smile. “I’m good.”

  And good didn’t seem so far from the truth. Over the past couple of days, memories of her childhood and days in the FBI had faded. Fighting to survive did that to a person. She’d always expected others to die. Never her.

  When you come face-to-face with the final door, reality tends to shift into place.

  “Can you move?”

  “Don’t think so.” She dropped her head back to see his face.

  His eyes smiled first, then his whole face eased. “And you keep busting my balls for being a stubborn ass.”

  A bundle of emotion welled until her eyes stung. She hadn’t allowed herself to feel anything since that day at the cemetery. She’d held off the weakness, like a shield against living, because if she felt alive, then she’d also have to feel the hurt.

  A tear rolled down her cheek while quiet love filled her heart and blended with the pain.

  He’d been there for her, even when she pushed him away repeatedly, gave him grief for invading her life, and walked away when she got scared.

  And here he was, still loving her. Matted hair. Smelly. Bloody. Broken. She was all that, but he was still here.

  “You should check on Ellie. I’ll hang out here for a bit.”

  “What? You don’t want to ride back to town on horseback?” He winked, letting the sarcasm cover his concern.

  “Not today. Tomorrow, maybe.”

  “I’ll send Rivers back with Ellie to drop her off at Ashley and Chase’s, and I’ll stay with you until the cavalry arrives.” With his knuckle, he smeared her tear. “Whoa, take’er easy there, Pilgrim,” he said in the worst character imitation.

  “Was that supposed to be John Wayne? What movie was that from?”

  “I don’t know.” He dropped his chin to whisper. “I was trying to make you laugh.”

  “I see. I think you should take some acting lessons and stick to being a deputy.”

  “I thought you didn’t want me to be a deputy.”

  The amazement on his face didn’t surprise her. She’d given him the impression more as an excuse than anything else, but his entire being, all he was, was geared to protecting her, El, and all those he cared about. Born to serve, he lived to protect. How could she ask him to be anything different? “That’s not quite the truth.”

  He gave her a blank stare.

  “I convinced myself that if I allowed myself to like you, you would die. Everyone I’ve ever loved has died.”

  “Your mother’s not gone.”

  How could she explain the complicated relationship with her mother?

  Her mother loved her, but she wasn’t quite sure her mother even liked her, or approved of the decisions she’d made or the person she’d become. To her, her mother felt like a stranger. A person she barely knew.

  “True,” she said, but just to deflect him. “You should check on Ellie.”

  “Is this your way of saying you don’t want to talk about your mother?”

  “You’ve always been an insightful man.” Her body quivered with pain, and she winced.

  “I’ll be back,” he said and awkwardly gained balance on his good foot and booted leg cast.

  When he left, she just sat quietly. He’d be coming back, of course, but a sense of aloneness filled her. After her father died, she’d never allowed anyone in. Truthfully, not even her mom.

  Even those who thought they were her friends didn’t know the real Leza.

  She’d gotten comfortable, but she didn’t like herself, feeling like a fake was living in her skin. Promising to banish her fears, she inhaled deeply and instantly regretted it. Her ribs seized in pain.

  Heath shut the door. “Help’s on its way.”

  Nope. Help’s already here.

  Chapter 24

  Leza listened to the activity in the hospital while a photobook of memories flashed by in bits and pieces.

  An older orthopedic surgeon had greeted her when she arrived at the emergency room. After she was x-rayed, Doc told her he needed to operate on her hand, wrist, and forearm—apparently she’d broken bones in three different places during her fall. At some point the nurse held up her covers so she could see the couple of dozen stitches sewn into her leg. Not bad, considering.

  Now she needed to be fully conscious and hydrated and leave this place.

  She hated hospitals. She’d been in too many.

  Her skin itched. She craved a shower, her favorite pair of oversized lounge pants, fleece top, and a cup of chamomile-orange tea. Then again, maybe she wasn’t so particular.

  She just wanted to leave the white walls and smell of disinfectant.

  A commotion in the hall captured her attention.

  “Leza,” Ellie shouted in the process of running and leaping for the bed.

  Leza tensed, waiting for the imminent explosion of pain. Luckily, thanks to the meds in her system, the minor pain blast didn’t last long. Ellie snuggled in next to her and wrapped her arm around her chest.

  “El. What did we talk about in the car?” Heath scolded with a smile.

  “Oh, yeah.” El snuggled in closer.

  When his concerned gaze swung away from Ellie and locked on her, his smile expanded across his entire face.

  “Hi.” His soft, sensual, yet casual voice gave her a thrill.

  He limped across the room, the medical boot clunking against the tile with every other step. His clean, soapy freshness tickled her senses when he leaned in to kiss her forehead.

  “Hey,” she returned his greeting.

  “El, be gentle. Leza just had surgery.”

  “It’s okay,” the joy in Ellie’s face made the pain worth it. Leza grabbed the bed remote so she could raise the bed to a sitting position.

  “How are you?” she asked Ellie. “Did the doctor look at the scrape on your elbow?” She laid the remote on the side table.

  “Uh-huh. And the doctor put an Olaf bandage on, see?” Ellie held up the arm sporting the snowman movie character.

  She swept Ellie’s bangs to the side while her favorite little girl continued to pelt her with questions.

  “Heath says you’ll be able to go home soon. Is that true?”

  She ran her fingers through Ellie’s hair, enjoying the soft, silky strands. “It’s true. We’ll have a nail-painting party as soon as I’m better. Would you like that?”

  “Yes. Maybe we can paint my nails blue this time.”

  “El, would you mind giving Leza and me a minute?” His expression had become more serious.

  Ellie’s body stiffened. “Ut-oh. You’re in trouble. That’s Heath’s we-need-to-talk look.”

  Leza met Heath’s gaze directly and, sure enough, anger sparked in his gaze.

  She tapped on Ellie’s nose. “It’ll be okay.” She stretched her arm toward the water jug. “There’s a nurses’ station just down the hall. Would you ask the kind ladies there if they might refill my jug?”

  “Sure. I’ll leave bunny rabbit with you. He’ll watch over you while I’m gone.” Ellie tucked her stuffed rabbit under the covers, then slid off the bed, grabbed the empty jug, and headed for the door. She stopped to look back.

  Leza slid the stuffed rabbit from under the covers and hugged it to her chest. “I’ll be fine. Mr. Rabbit will look out for me.” She waved her to go on, then turned to Heath. “What’s up?”

  “Did you see that? El is getting really attached to you, and she’ll continue to become more attached, since she believes you saved her life.”

  She blinked, trying to make her brain speed up a b
it. “What are you saying?”

  “El nagged me until I brought her here, insisting that she had to see for herself that you’re okay. She’s afraid you’re going to go away like her mom.” Heath sat on the edge of the bed. “But I’m still concerned about this spark that keeps flaring up between you and me. The last time we talked, you said you couldn’t handle being in a relationship with a first responder.”

  “And if there is no you and me, there’s no Ellie, is that it?”

  Heath wrapped a hand around his neck and let out a heavy sigh. “Every time someone comes and goes from her life, she finds a way to make it her fault. She’s been through enough without adding another layer of guilt about something that isn’t her responsibility. It’s mine. I’m the one who needs to protect her. It’s my job.”

  Leza pressed the remote button to lower the bed. “I see.”

  Heath’s gaze grew intense. “I really hoped you would have changed your mind about us. And I say us, because Ellie and I are a package deal.”

  Fear welled up and choked off a response. She could feel the way Heath vibrated with emotion, and knew her silence now was a sucker-punch to his gut.

  The raw realization that she loved them both hadn’t been around long enough to form the words or an action plan. She wanted to open up, but everything was moving so fast her brain couldn’t process all the moving pieces at once. The lack of commitment was her own fault.

  “Heath, I…” Pain caused her brain to get stuck. “…can we talk about this tomorrow?”

  “Here’s your water bottle.” Ellie held the white container with both hands to make sure it didn’t spill.

  Heath lifted the plastic pitcher and placed the blue jug on the rolling table beside Leza’s bed. “El, we should let Leza rest. She needs to heal.”

  “Okay.” Ellie looked at her with skepticism layered over a scared little girl. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  Oh, God. Heath’s right.

  Leza held out the fluffy brown toy. “Here. You should take Mr. Rabbit home.” Ellie grabbed the stuffed animal and headed for the door.

  Heath smiled, but the hurt in his eyes belied the smile.

  “Take care, Leza.” He swallowed hard, but didn’t move to leave.