Bittersweet: Can she rebuild her life?

by Lyz Kelley

  She loved Heath, would support and accept him, even if he wanted to put on a bulletproof vest every day. But could she be a good mother to Ellie? She knew how to protect kids, but did she know how to raise one?

  Before she could decide, a shrill voice coming from down the hall alerted the hairs on the back of her neck.

  “There you are.” Her mother exploded into the room like her hair had caught on fire. “I stopped for some flowers to brighten your room. I came by before, but you weren’t awake yet.” She hustled around the bed.

  “Mom? Wow, thanks for coming, but you didn’t really need to fly all the way here.”

  Her mother’s face flared with emotion. “Are you kidding? I came as soon as I received the call. When I arrived, you were already in surgery.”

  “I was going to call you later. I’m fine. You came all this way for nothing.”

  “Nothing? You’re not nothing.” She dropped her purse and coat into the chair and rushed to her bed to hover. “I worry about you. You’re too thin. Are you eating?”

  And thus the reason I never tell you much. “I’m fine, Mom.”

  Her mother reached to brush the hair off her face. “How do you feel, love?”

  “My wrist will heal, so will my leg, the bruises will fade, and in time I will be back to my normal self.” She turned to see Heath still standing in the doorway. “Mom. Have you met Heath and his daughter Ellie?”

  “She bought me ice cream from the cafeteria.” Ellie gave Leza’s mom a toothy smile. “Rocky Road, my favorite. Your mom’s cool.”

  “Yes, she is.” Leza winked at her mom.

  Her mom had always been the neighborhood’s favorite socialite, throwing charity events to raise money, bustling here and there, being the center of attention. Her mom never stopped to notice how lonely and quiet she’d become. She preferred to stay home, study and learn about new places and things. Articles and books and sought-after classes were some of the reasons she ended up in the FBI.

  “Nice to meet you, ma’am,” Heath extended his hand.

  “My. What a gentleman,” she held on for a second too long. “Isn’t this a surprise?”

  “Mother. Don’t embarrass me.” Leza searched his face. “Heath’s just leaving.”

  He scratched his neck, still meeting her eyes. “That’s right. We’re leaving. Have a nice visit. If you need anything during your stay, just stop by the River Creek Café. Someone there will help you find what you need.”

  His face remained blank with the exception of his eyes. Those eyes expressed a wholesome love. A forever kind of love. The kind that would begin slow and build into a full-blown love a woman could count on.

  His eyes slid away to stare at the wall and he nodded. “Leza.”

  Before she could say anything more he disappeared.

  A vacuum emptied her lungs of air. She rubbed at the throbbing in her temples.

  “Do you have a headache? Want me to call a nurse?” her mom fussed.

  She wanted to scream—to say sorry—but words were so challenging to come up with when you didn’t know what you wanted to say.

  Her mother tugged at the covers, straightening the edges and patting the thin sheets around her legs. Her mother’s face drained of emotion.

  “Mom, what’s wrong?”

  “Are you ever going to let go? You haven’t been the same since your father died.” She continued to fuss. “It’s such a tragedy. In a way you both died that day.”

  Boom. Leave it to her mother to dropkick an elephant into the room. “Mom,” she sighed.

  “Hear me out,” her mother lowered into the leather sleeping chair, perching on its front edge and folding her hands in her lap. “You idolized your father.”

  Who wouldn’t? He took her to the park, ball games, and allowed her to eat pizza, while her mom went shopping with friends, hosted lunch parties, and attended art gallery exhibits.

  “Your point?” With the drugs rolling through her brain, she couldn’t forecast where her mother was going.

  “He was a great father and a wonderful husband. I didn’t know how exceptionally good to us he was until after he’d gone.” Her shoulders curved inward and her hands began to tremble. “I was so lost. The only way I could cope was to stay busy.” She rubbed the heel of her palm. “You looked so much like him.”

  “We’ve already talked about this. I’ve already forgiven you.”

  “There is a difference between forgiving and trusting. Since that conversation, you have never once allowed me into your life. You turned to anger. You wanted justice. You wanted someone to pay for taking your father away from you. You lashed out at me, your friends—you drove everyone away, everyone except Rylie.”

  Rylie, the other hole in her heart, hovered next to her father’s. Her high school friend bullied her to join the living by never talking about her dad, only the injustices in the world. Her best friend gave her focus. Purpose. She and Rylie did the military, FBI, everything together...until the one assignment Leza told her not to take killed her only friend.

  After that day Leza didn’t want to live.

  Too proud to take her own life, she turned her life over to the government to go after those who took Rylie from her.

  She’d make those bastards pay for what they did. And she’d intended to die doing her job, until a small-town sheriff gave her a reason to live.

  And she wanted to live.

  “I’m not pushing people away anymore.”

  “Is that true?” Her mother’s eyebrows hovered just below the bullshit line. “While I waited for you to wake up from surgery, Ellie told me her uncle’s in love with you, but you don’t love him back.”

  Can’t go there. Not today. Not with you. Leza wanted to discard the statement, but the word love didn’t want to budge. “Ellie’s jumping to conclusions. Heath and I are just good friends. That’s all.”

  “I don’t think so. Not the way Ellie described your relationship.” her mother chuckled. “She puckered her lips and made kissing noises until the whole waiting room laughed.”

  “She didn’t.”

  “Oh, yes. She did!”

  Leza dropped a cool hand over her eyes to hide her heated embarrassment. “Oh, no.”

  “I welcomed the relief, actually. There were a lot of people in that room worried about you. Who knew you had so many friends?”

  That’s why I came back here. I knew I would be accepted. “Did anyone tell you about my wellness center? I want to teach yoga, maybe some cooking classes, and bring in a massage therapist or two.”

  “Yes. Some cutie named Jack. I think he said he’s your boss.”

  She almost groaned, imagining her mother cozying up to Jack to get the straight skinny. Her mom loved gossip. Something Leza would rather ignore. “He lets me work at his place for tips, but he’s not my boss.”

  “Well, your plan sounds great, honey, but I’m worried you'll bury yourself in starting your new business, focus all your energy on others, and never take time for yourself.”

  Frickin’ chicken fingers. Her empty stomach clamped into a knot. “Can we talk about this later? I’m not feeling so hot.”

  “Maybe I should call the nurse? You look like your medications are wearing off.”

  She coughed and shook her head. Her mother grabbed the water jug and held a straw to her lips.

  Leza swallowed a mouthful of fresh water, then turned her head aside. Her mom sat back down and searched in the bottom of her purse for something...but probably wasn’t actually looking for anything.

  Leza recognized the signs of agitation and released a heavy breath.

  “The truth is, Mom, I’ve pushed everyone away because I didn’t know how to deal with Dad being gone. Every one wanted to talk about his death, and every night 911 took over the news headlines.” She pressed the white sheet flat in front of her. “I didn’t want to hear about heroes or survivors. I just wanted my old life back. Which is part of the reason I came here. The people in this town are good peo
ple. They don’t know about my past and don’t care. They just accept me for who I am today. I can start over here.”

  “You’re not kidding.” Her mom’s eyes widened. “I’ve been fed more meals in the last twelve hours than I normally eat in a week. People keep asking me if I needed anything.” She drew in a long breath. “A woman brought these cinnamon rolls the size of plates. They are delicious.”

  “That would be Jenna. She owns Dreamy Delight bakery.”

  “Then these two young gals showed up. One of them pregnant, the other blind. Do you know the pregnant one just plopped her youngest in my lap? She doesn’t even know me. She’s way too trusting.”

  “Mara and Ashley.”

  “That’s them.” Leza avoided her mother’s scrutiny by fiddling with the piece of tape covering the needle stuck in the back of her hand.

  “Although that man Rivers. He doesn’t say much. But Ellie seems to like him, so he can’t be all that bad.”

  Ellie loved everyone. Including her, although she still didn’t feel worthy of such an innocent, pure love.

  “Rivers is a good man. He’s the reason Ellie and I are still here.”

  “And, that cutie-pie Heath. Now he’s a looker. Why don’t you ask him out? If you can find your way to trust again, maybe you can find your way to love again as well.”

  “Mother. When are you going to stop pushing?” Leza slid further down in the hospital bed. Too bad she couldn’t just slide on out of the room.

  “When you learn to love yourself again?” Her mother stood and leaned closer so Leza had no more options. She had to listen. “I love you. You have been my pride and joy since the day you were born. You, with your perfect pink toes and fingers and ears and a wallop of a wail. I knew then you were going fight your way through life. You were going to lead the pack. Live life on your terms.” Her mother ran her knuckles down her cheek. “I just hope now you can wait for the rest of us to catch up with you. Let us love you.”

  “I know you love me.”

  “You do. But I’d like you to reserve me and that young man and little girl a spot at your table. Let us be included.”

  Well, frickin’ frog legs. She stiffened. “He’s going to break what’s left of my heart.”

  “Leza,” her mom said tenderly, “you don’t know that.”

  She opened her mouth, then let her jaw fall slack. “Your place is already set. But I’ll think about Heath and Ellie. Earlier he reminded me he and Ellie are a package deal. If I’m going to go there, I need to be ready. I don’t know anything about being a mom.”

  “Well, that’s a change. Normally you dive headfirst into everything.”

  Yeah, and look where nose-diving into trouble got me. “Well, it’s time I changed.”

  Her mom quieted for a moment. “I didn’t think it possible, but I believe I like the new you even better.”

  “Really?” She cringed when she heard herself sounding more surprised than she wanted to admit. “There was a time you were highly critical of my choices.”

  “That was my fear talking. A parent never wants anything bad to happen to their child.”

  Dammit, Mom. Don’t make me cry. I swore I’d never cry again. A tear swelled and threatened to spill over.

  “I love you, Mom.”

  “Love you too, honey.” Her mom grabbed her purse and rustled around in the bottom and finally pulled out a tissue pack. “Oh, dear, you’re going to smear my mascara.” Her mother blinked. “I’m going to let you rest. I’ll stop by again before my flight home tomorrow, and then I’m going to be back for your center opening if I can reserve my ticket in advance.”

  “There are no tickets, and you are always welcome.”

  “Good to hear.” She stood and walked around the end of the bed, sliding her purse up her arm. “All I want is for you to find your happiness.”

  “I’m going to try, Mom.”

  “Then you will succeed, because you’ve never failed at anything.” Her mother blew her a kiss and walked out the door while Leza’s mind whirled.

  She’d failed plenty.

  Her biggest regret? Pushing away the people she cared about.

  She needed to do something about fixing those relationships.

  But how?

  Chapter 25

  Leza opened the car trunk to retrieve the gallon jar full of leaves and a small stick the size of a tongue depressor, and another shopping bag. She hit the tailgate button to watch the lid close, then stared at the large two-bedroom cabin while biting her lip and debating.

  Would Heath let her in?

  Suddenly, the front door opened and Heath—without his medical boot—plus Ellie and Gunther appeared on the front porch.

  Leza didn’t move. She stood looking at them both, wondering which way the conversation would go.

  Heath leaned over and whispered to Ellie. She shrugged away from him, then pouted while she grabbed Gunther’s collar and walked the boxer back inside.

  Leza’s heart hurt.

  Ellie must believe she’d been abandoned. Again. Days had passed since Leza had spoken to either of them. She wanted to think and make sure a family—Heath and Ellie—were what she wanted. And deserved.

  This is it. There’s no going back. Her tentative excitement provided courage.

  She hoisted up the glass jar and took a step forward, then another one, and another, until she reached the porch steps.

  “Hi,” she whispered around the fear of rejection.

  “Hey,” he said, but only looked at the jar in her hand. “What’s that?”

  “It’s a present for Ellie.”

  He glanced over his shoulder, then back at her. “She’s missed you.”

  Yes, but have you?

  “She must think I’ve been ignoring her.”

  He shook his head, his closed-off expression very telling. “I told her you were healing and busy setting up your business, and we needed to give you space and time.”

  His overflowing generosity was predictable, but this time she didn’t want to take without giving back.

  “Do you think I can speak to her?”

  He took a deep breath and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. She needs stability. She needs to know not everyone in her life will disappear.”

  Like me, you mean. Her father, Rylie, and Sam—all had disappeared suddenly from her life. She didn’t want to add to Ellie’s fears. Yes, Heath made a solid argument, but he’d missed her U-turn.

  “I understand your concern. I do,” she said softly when he finally met her gaze. “I’ve decided I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to build my life here, and I hope you and Ellie might be willing to…um…help me…a…”

  Mothersmuckers. What was her problem? She’d never been hesitant before.

  C’monnnn. Get a grip. Don’t screw this up. You can’t screw this up. “I would like to ask your help opening my business.”

  He descended the steps one at a time. “Is that all you want? Me to help you with your business?”

  No. I want you. Family.

  “I’ve never really had much of a family or community. I was hoping you might be willing to help me build a family as well.”

  His mouth lifted into a sunrise smile, brightening his expression as it grew. “You, want a family? Ms. I-can-do-it-all-by-myself?”

  His doubt made her heart skitter to a stop. He didn’t believe her. Well, she had given him plenty of reason to doubt.

  How can I make him believe?

  “Yes.” She nodded. “I’m a good learner, and I’m a good partner. I am.” She raised her voice a bit to make him believe. “In fact, when Chase and the general drew up the plans, I specifically forbade them from designing the two-bedroom cabin. I thought maybe we could design the place together.”

  “Design isn’t my specialty.”

  He wasn’t going to make this easy, but she couldn’t back down. Her happiness depended on outmaneuvering his hurt and hardheadedness. “Neither are cook
ing or braiding hair, but you learned.”

  Heath laughed and shook his head. “You are a stubborn shit.”

  “Why yes, I am, thank you very much.”

  His teasing smile gave her a pump of encouragement.

  A noise coming from inside the house distracted him. He shoved his hands in his pockets. “You’d better take whatever you have inside before Thing 1 and Thing 2 break through the window.”

  Sure enough, Ellie had her face plastered against the glass, Gunther on his hind legs, paws on the windowsill beside her.

  Leza climbed the stairs one at a time, hoping Ellie might be as forgiving as Heath. She entered, set the glass jar on the coffee table, and waited for Ellie’s curiosity to kick in.

  Ellie snuggled her brown bunny closer to her chest. “What’s that?” she pointed, yet stayed in her safety zone.

  “Why don’t you come and look?” Leza carefully lifted the jar’s lid.

  Leza held her breath and hoped.

  Ellie moved closer. “Why do you have a stick in there?”

  Gottcha. She exhaled to relieve the pressure in her lungs.

  Leza dipped her fingers into the jar until little legs grabbed hold of them. “Remember when you told me you like bugs? Well, I did some research and found this little guy.” She held out her hand.

  Ellie’s eyes opened wider. “It’s a baby praying mantis. Cool!” Ellie looked at Heath, “Can I keep him?”

  “You bought her a bug.” He eyed Leza with interest.

  “Ellie likes bugs.” She shrugged. “This little guy is a Chinese mantis. He’s human-friendly, and easy to train. The hardware store in town stocks feeder insects, or you can order them online. They like honey as treats, and can do tricks if trained.”

  She cuddled and soothed the hope in her heart.

  Heath shook his head and laughed. “It seems I’m outnumbered. Sure. You can keep him.”

  Ellie swirled around in a circle. “Wheeeee.” She stopped to look at Heath. “Does this mean I can like Leza again?” Ellie waited for Heath to offer guidance, but he remained silent.

  Leza lowered to Ellie’s eye level and took her hand. “You can like me for always if you want, because I’ve decided I’m always going to be here for you. I’ll paint your nails blue, braid your hair, and we can dance around the living room and sing as loud as we want. So, what do you think?”