A Trick of the Light

by Tina Wainscott

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Well, you don’t have the search to occupy your attention anymore. I mean, I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but —”

  “Ross, buddy, there is no way in hell I will ever work with you on any project again. I just hope you become human before you have children of your own.” Dylan hung up, muttering calculations before realizing what he was doing. He had to get out of there.

  He found himself at the hospital looking for Anne. She was in for observation before they released her back to the nursing home. She looked tiny and frail in the white bed. Her blue eyes show recognition when he walked into her room.

  “Is she really gone?” his mother-in-law asked.

  Thank God she was lucid. He pulled a chair beside her bed. “They told you?”

  She gave him a wan smile. “They had to. I kept asking for her, and I guess I got a little … hysterical. I’d been waiting so long on that boat, and she didn’t come. Sometimes … I wondered. The boy on the boat, he was my grandson, wasn’t he?”

  He nodded, gripping the sides of the chair to keep the pain from showing. “Teddy.” His voice was hoarse and thick.

  She surprised him by reaching over and touching his arm with her bony fingers. “I’m sorry.” Her eyes were watering, her mouth trembling. “It was my fault. I can remember bits and pieces of those days on the boat. Sometimes I was in the past, when Wanda was a little girl. And I thought Teddy was Wanda. I tried to hug him. He ran away from me and jumped over the side. I kept calling him, but he wouldn’t answer. Then I knew I had to get help. Even when I thought it was Wanda, I knew I had to …” She choked back a sob. “But I forgot. It’s so frustrating, being ‘there’ and then losing it. Knowing there’s something you must do and not knowing what it is.” She fisted her hand, then brought it to her mouth.

  His hand hovered over hers, then slowly settled. “It wasn’t your fault. Can you remember where he jumped?”

  Her mouth looked like a starburst of wrinkles as it twisted in agony. “The police asked me that, too. It all looked the same, water and trees and more water and trees. I don’t even know how long it took to get where I did. I just kept thinking I had to get help.”

  He focused on the side of the bed for a moment, burying his own frustration. It wasn’t Anne’s fault. It was only Wanda’s fault, and she couldn’t be confronted. “Anne, why didn’t Wanda tell me about her mental problems?”

  “Because I told her to hide it. Not just from you. It started with her father. He tried his best, but he was a hard man. No tolerance. Always threatening to put her away if she didn’t stop talking to the imaginary people. He would spend hours in her room with her trying to make her stop. It only got worse.”

  Dylan didn’t want to delve deeper. “So she learned to hide it.”

  “Yes. She was so afraid you’d find out. And then one day she decided she couldn’t pretend anymore. She just wanted to live her life … with her son.”

  “Was she … seeing someone? Having an affair?”

  Anne blinked. “No, she’d never do that. But she talked about people, always talked about different people. There was Larry and Bill and … Brian or something. But I figured they were her imaginary people. Why?”

  He shook his head. He tried to attach names to the people they’d known four years ago. It doesn’t matter who Teddy’s real father was. Not now, not ever. He’ll always be your son. “I just wondered. Anne, I want you to think. When you started the boat … did you feel … anything?”

  She looked up. “Feel anything … feel …” She looked at him again and smiled. “I feel tired and hungry. A little light-headed if I move too fast. When can I eat, doctor?”

  “Anne?”

  “Do you starve your patients in here?”

  He’d lost her. He stood, feeling more sad than frustrated. Then again, losing memories might not be such a bad thing. Then he could forget his past, his wife, the pain of losing his son … and Chloe.

  Dylan had given Camilla the week off. The dark, quiet house suited him better anyway, and Camilla’s valiant effort to hold back her tears wasn’t helping his nerves.

  The day before reporters had clamored to get his reaction. Teddy had been news again, but it wasn’t going to help him. Dylan had declined all interviews and locked himself away. Now all he wanted to do was sink into anonymity again. And he wanted to do it alone.

  What about Chloe, a voice in his head whispered. Great. Now he was hearing voices.

  The phone rang again. At first he’d listened to the messages, people calling to give their condolences. Then he couldn’t take their words anymore. He turned down the machine and ringer.

  A knock on the door startled him. His first thought was Chloe. He felt a pang in his chest at the thought of her being there. An image of holding her in his arms filled his mind. Forget it. No holding Chloe. He looked through the peephole and saw his father. He closed his eyes for a moment, contemplating ignoring him. Then he unlocked the door and stepped aside.

  “I’ve been trying to talk to you since … well, since the news,” Will said, walking into the dark foyer. His expression held both sympathy and pain. “I know what losing a son is like. Now I’ve lost the chance to know my grandson, too.”

  Dylan didn’t know what to say. He supposed he could shock the man and tell him that Teddy wasn’t his grandson. But Dylan had made a promise to himself that he would never tell anyone. Not to protect his image, he realized, but Teddy’s. Teddy had been his son in the way that mattered.

  “What do you want?”

  Will shifted from foot to foot, loosening the collar of his shirt. Dylan couldn’t remember his father ever looking uneasy. Then again, he hadn’t seen his father much.

  “I’ve come to say goodbye. I have to return …” He gave a feeble smile. “Work. Deals.”

  “I remember.” You’re the same way, that blasted voice whispered again.

  Will wrung his hands. “I came to say I’m sorry. About everything. I can’t make it up to you now. I wasn’t there as a father, I know that. I hid my head in the sand that I called work. I pretended that everything was all right, that I was doing my part by paying the bills, giving you a nice home and lots of toys. Pretending is a lot easier than facing the truth.”

  Those words struck Dylan in the heart. That’s you. You’re staring at yourself, hearing your own words.

  “I know it’s too late to make amends,” Will continued. “I just want you to know how sorry I am. I thought I could come down here and be a hero, find Teddy, connect with you again. Now I know that isn’t possible. I don’t blame you for not wanting me around. I … well, I want you to know that. Maybe you don’t care if I blame you or not. But I don’t.” He started to turn, but stopped. “Chloe said something that really hit home to me.”

  “Chloe?” Dylan blinked, at both the surprise of hearing her name on his father’s lips, and just the jolt of hearing her name period.

  Dylan swore Will had an almost sheepish expression on his face. “I went to see her Tuesday. Before they found the boat. I had to clear up a, er, misunderstanding. She’s a terrific lady, in case you didn’t notice.”

  “I noticed,” Dylan said.

  “The most kind-hearted —”

  “I noticed.”

  “Then why aren’t you with her now, helping each other, comforting each other?”

  “You’re giving me advice on my love life?”

  “This has nothing to do with your love life. It’s about friendship. No wonder she’s about given up on you. She cares a great deal about you. Did you notice that, too?”

  She’d given up on him? Good. She should give up on him. “Why are you telling me about Chloe?”

  “Because I don’t want you to push her away like I suspect you push everyone away. She said loving you wasn’t going to change you. She was right. Oh, maybe if I had shown you love when you were young, that would have made a difference. But now, no.”

  Dylan felt warmth touch
the edges of his frozen heart. “She said she loved me?” Instantly he wished he could take back the words. She didn’t love him.

  “Not in so many words, but judging from the look on her face, yes.”

  “I’m sure you were mistaken.” Still, Dylan felt that warmth grow a little brighter.

  Will’s laugh was bittersweet. “She said the same thing when I told her what I saw in your eyes when you looked at her. What did she say it was? Oh, a trick of the light. Look in the mirror and think of her, then tell yourself that’s what it is. If you can, then you’re too far gone for anyone to reach.” He paused. “Much as that would be a great exit line, I have more to say and probably only this chance to say it.

  “You probably hate the fact that Chloe comes from that oddball community. Being with her would make you look bad. She won’t like that I told you this, but she described you as the boy in high school she could never have, the one who never noticed her. She understands your need to look normal to the outside world, and I think she’s prepared to gracefully back away. I say it’s your loss if you let that gem go. She’s pretty, more grounded than most women I know, and she’s smart. Which is what I was getting to. She’s right about loving you making no difference. You have to love. Giving love is more important than receiving it. I did learn that … once.”

  Dylan saw grief flow across his father’s face. He held back the questions about a love that was obviously special. And lost. “Is that all?” he forced out through a tight throat.

  Will lifted a shoulder. “I guess it is. I know … I know you probably won’t ever let yourself love me as a father. Or even like me. But don’t close yourself off from love completely. When everything looks bleak and hopeless, you want to shut everyone out. I know, because that’s how I felt when I lost the love of my life. That’s how I always was. But she changed me. Because she loved me, but mostly, because I loved her. I reached out, and you know what I felt? Friendship. People who cared about me and who were willing to help me through the bad times.”

  Dylan knew the truth of those words. He just didn’t have the energy, or the heart, to reach out to anyone. Particularly his father.

  “Let someone come in, Dylan. Chloe’s your best bet. In the end, it only matters that you let someone in. Here’s my card. I wrote down my home number in case … well, just in case. Goodbye.”

  Dylan watched his father leave. He didn’t know what to say. He was too shattered to reach out to him now. He remembered too many times when he’d reached and no one had been there.

  Dad, can’t you come home for dinner tonight? Mom’s in one of her moods. I don’t want to be alone with her again.

  Tough up, kid. Can’t you even handle your own mother? Look, I’ve got meetings until seven, and then some new stocks to run down. All right, I’ll see what I can do.

  He never lived up to his word.

  Dylan never made promises to Teddy that he couldn’t keep. But then, Teddy hadn’t begged him to come home early. Dylan had once been grateful that his son wasn’t needy so he could focus on his business, just for a couple more years, and build it to a point where it could be run by his senior architect. Only Dylan had a hard time letting go.

  He’d only broken that promise to himself.

  * * *

  Dylan’s Lego structure was three stories high when the scream interrupted him. It sounded like Chloe, though it couldn’t be. Still, he opened the door to find Chloe shooing a cat away from the fountain. She was wearing a pale blue suit that set off her eyes, and pumps instead of matching sneakers. She saw him standing at the door and straightened up.

  “A cat was about to pounce on a cardinal taking a bath.” She self-consciously smoothed down stray wisps of her blond hair as she made her way up the steps. The scrapes on her cheek and lip were nearly healed, the bruises faded. Her embarrassment at being caught saving the bird turned to concern. “You look terrible.”

  “Thanks.”

  He rubbed his hand over his face, feeling a day’s worth of bristle. She looked so beautiful, he wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her. He stiffened his body against the urge. She had been watching his face, and when he’d put a mask of indifference on his face, she followed suit.

  “I need to talk to you,” she said in a business-like tone of voice. Well, as business-like as Chloe could get.

  “Come in,” he said.

  A glance in the mirror revealed just how bad he did look. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair mussed. And there was something else, something he’d never seen before. He turned away from the mirror.

  “I hope I didn’t disturb you,” she said, pausing near the living room.

  You always disturb me, Chloe. “Would you like something to drink?”

  “No, thanks. I won’t be staying long.”

  Those words pricked at him. He didn’t want her to stay long, not even a minute. She was already making him want things he shouldn’t want. He caught himself trying to see the love in her eyes that his father had mentioned. All he could see was worry, and worse, that bulldozer face.

  “Where’s Camilla?” she asked. Her pumps clicked on the tile, and he realized Chloe usually walked silently in either her sneakers or bare feet.

  “Off,” he said, pulling his gaze from her small feet that shouldn’t be crammed into pumps.

  She clutched at her big canvas bag. “Are you all right? I mean, not all right. Of course you’re not all right. That’s a dumb question.” She looked away for a moment. “But are you … okay?”

  “I haven’t pulled out the rope yet.”

  She smiled nervously, but even that smile faded fast. “After you left —”

  He ducked his head. “Look, I’m … sorry about leaving like that. I came to you, and then I stormed off. I didn’t blame you. It was my fault.” She didn’t look comforted by his apology. Damn, what did he know about comforting a woman?

  “I don’t suppose there’s much to say about that until you realize what you came to me for was comfort and not … sex. But I didn’t come here to talk about that. I …” She saw the structure he’d been working on. “You’ve been busy.” When she touched the wall of yellow Legos, it felt as though she was touching him. He’d told her too much.

  “I couldn’t sleep,” he said.

  “Well, what I’m about to say isn’t going to help.” She took a breath. “Not that I think you’ll believe me. In fact, I’m sure you won’t.” She clutched her bag even tighter. “Ever since the accident, I’ve felt connected to Teddy. I have these dreams about him, only they’re not really dreams. I always felt that Teddy was nearby, and it turns out that he was. And now …”

  “And now?” he prompted when she stalled.

  “I still feel him. Dylan, he’s alive. I had a dream last night, and I know — know — that child is alive. It’s like God’s telling me not to give up.”

  “Chloe …”

  “Don’t Chloe me. I’ve already heard enough Chloes from my aunts.”

  “Even they don’t believe you?”

  She looked away, her mouth tightening. “No. They think I’m recreating my mother’s drama.”

  “That’s what it looks like to me.”

  Her eyes got that bulldozer gleam again. “I’m not giving up on this. I don’t expect you to support me. I know it’s going to dredge up more pain for you. And it’s going to create havoc in my life, and I’ll probably lose everyone I care about and maybe I’ll even have to move out of Lilithdale. I don’t care. I’m going to do everything I can to get people out there looking for Teddy. I just heard on the radio that there’s a cold front moving in with rain and temperatures dropping down to the fifties. That makes it even more important that I find him now.”

  He didn’t want to open himself to hope. “You’re just setting yourself up for a fall. He’s been out there for over a week and a half, and the propeller —”

  “Don’t even say it.” She held out her hand.

  “I can’t let myself believe he’s still alive.”


  “Then don’t. I don’t care what I have to do to get attention, and that includes sounding crazy. I’m not asking for your permission. I’m just warning you.” She started to turn away.

  “Chloe, why are you doing this?”

  “I have to. Don’t you understand? It’s not a matter of choice. If I ignore this, I’ll never live with myself. Maybe this is how my mom felt. But I’m not wrong. My mistake was not believing in myself before. If I had, maybe I would have realized Teddy was on that boat.”

  “Don’t do this. Let it go.”

  “Don’t you care? Is it because he’s not really your son?”

  He tried to hold in the anger, but this time he couldn’t. He smashed the Legos creation, sending pieces skittering over the tile floor. “Of course I care! I’m not some unfeeling monster. Teddy is my son. I want to find him and bring him home, but I can’t keep letting myself believe he’s alive when he’s not.”

  “The double-edged sword,” Chloe said softly.

  “What?”

  “I promise I won’t bring your name into this. I’ll swear you’re not involved. But know that I’m prepared to go all the way with this. I just want you to understand that. And know that I understand this severs all ties between us.” Her chin trembled, and her bulldozer look melted for a moment. “If there were ties between us, that is. But I know you can’t be associated with me once I go public with my … feeling about Teddy.”

  “Chloe, you’re not going to get people to look for a child everyone knows is … dead. They’re not going to believe you.”

  “I’ll make them believe.”

  “They already think you’re a flake.”

  “Is that what you think, Dylan?”

  “I don’t know what I think. I try not to think about you.”

  He saw the shadow cross her face, but she shuttered it the way he did. And he hated it. He didn’t want her to be like him.

  “I’d better go. Goodbye, Dylan.”

  Had he imagined the strain of emotion when she’d said his name? He watched her leave. He both feared for her and admired her. She was wrong, of course. He might have a little more regard for psychic visions since finding Mac, but Chloe was no psychic. Even she had admitted that. And her connection to Teddy? The same compassion that had her saving lizards and birds.