Brace for Impact

by Becky Harmon

  “That was very sweet.”

  “The story isn’t finished.”

  “Then continue.” Lucy chuckled again as she pointed down a street lined with lighted snowflakes. “Let’s walk that way.”

  “One day a mighty serpent came down the river and poisoned it. Lela-Wala begged Heno to let her return home and warn her people. So he lifted her out of the falls and she appeared to her people as a mist. She told them about the serpent and told them to move to a new location. They saw she was their daughter and immediately began packing their canoes with everything they would need to start a new village. When the serpent returned the next day to eat everyone who had died from his poison, he was very angry to find the village empty. He started to follow them upstream, but Heno threw a great thunderbolt at him. The Seneca tribe heard the crack and saw the serpent shrieking in distress. It whipped its tail around, thrashing in the water and then it was still. Its body floated downstream and lodged above the home of the gods, creating the horseshoe above the falls. It diverted the river and poured water into the home of the gods. Heno quickly grabbed his family and moved them into the sky where today, along with the Maiden of the Mist, they watch over the people of Earth.” She leaned closer to Lucy. “If you listen closely you can hear Heno’s voice in the roar of the falls and you might even see the maiden in the mist of the water disappearing into the sky.”

  Lucy squeezed her eyes shut. “I love it. Maybe the dragon on the building was actually a serpent.”

  She nodded. “It might have been. Do you want to walk back over there and see if we can catch it from the beginning?”

  “No, I liked your telling of the story better. Let’s get the car and check out the lights on Dufferin Island.”

  Dex pulled her keys from her pocket and offered to drive the short distance. She had a pretty good idea where the best place to park would be so they could walk through the tree-strung lights. She was surprised when Lucy didn’t argue and easily slid into her rental. The drive took them almost ten minutes with all the traffic, but Dex quickly found a parking spot and they walked toward the flow of people moving along the path.

  The transformation in Lucy as she took in all the lights was amazing, and Dex embraced her enthusiasm. A few times she even took her hand to guide her closer to something she wanted her to see. The three-dimensional moose was clearly Lucy’s favorite and she allowed Dex to snap a picture of her standing near it. The picture was too dark to see Lucy’s features, but Dex knew she would treasure the photo anyway. When they reached the end of the display, they turned and began to walk back toward the car.

  Lucy placed a hand on her arm, stopping her next step. “Wait here.”

  Lucy bolted into the darkness toward a lit vendor display that Dex could barely see between the trees. She leaned against a large boulder and watched children running and playing through the trees. They had multiple glowing necklaces and bracelets of different colors wrapped around their bodies. Their screams pierced the stillness of the cold evening, making Dex shiver involuntarily. She jumped slightly when Lucy leapt onto the boulder she was leaning against.

  “On guard,” Lucy said, tossing a multicolored light sword to Dex and then taking up a fighting position.

  Dex couldn’t help but laugh. Seeing the childlike excitement flashing in Lucy’s eyes, she quickly took up her own fighting position. Lucy did a forward flip off the boulder and landed a few feet from Dex, resuming her fighting position. Dex stared at her. She knew her mouth was probably open, but she couldn’t seem to close it.

  “What?” Lucy asked innocently.

  “I can’t believe you just did that. How old did you say you are?”

  “Oh, so buying the light swords isn’t what made you ask? You can’t believe I have the dexterity to perform acrobatics.”

  “That was impressive. I—”

  A loud explosion echoed around them, and Dex steadied herself against the boulder. She could see the flash of lights across the sky as the fireworks exploded above them, but she couldn’t stop her body from wanting to seek cover. Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks. No missile. Just fireworks. Drawing on months and months of repetitive practice, she forced herself to walk, not run, toward the closest building, a restroom facility. She fleetingly thought to protect Lucy, but then her mind reminded her there was no threat. Not really. They’d be okay. She only needed to remove herself from the situation until she could gain control again.

  Breathing deeply, she stepped into the bathroom stall and placed her head against the cold wall. Everything around her told her she was overreacting and she fought hard to stop her racing heartbeat. She heard the bathroom door open and then close. She squeezed her eyes shut. How could she explain this to Lucy without looking like an idiot?

  * * *

  There was absolutely no doubt in Lucy’s mind what had happened. She had never been in combat, but she had seen plenty of post-traumatic stress syndrome reactions. Clearly Dex had a past she hadn’t shared yet. Of course, on today’s battlefield all soldiers were forced to endure things she could only imagine. PTSD displayed itself in so many different ways. She had seen survivors of 9/11 have irrational reactions to the simplest of daily noises. She wasn’t sure how to help or even if she could, but she hesitated only a second before following behind Dex. The bathroom door slammed shut in her face, and she slowly pushed it open. Following Dex might not be the right thing to do, but she followed her instinct. She needed to be close to her. Maybe Dex would want her to be close too.

  She passed each empty stall and paused at the closed door of the last one. She could remain outside and try to talk with her, but she couldn’t think of any words that seemed appropriate. All the consoling words that came to mind only sounded trite and would probably come across as belittling. Saying everything would be okay only worked when the logical mind was working. Dex’s reaction had been instinctual, so telling her the sound had only been fireworks wouldn’t make everything right again. The last thing she wanted was for Dex to think she was minimalizing her trauma or her response. She opened the door and stepped inside the stall, wrapping her arms around Dex’s body. She pressed her chest against Dex’s back and rested her head against her shoulder.

  “I’m here,” she whispered into Dex’s ear over and over until she felt Dex begin to relax into her embrace.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lucy squeezed Dex’s hand as they strolled a jagged path through the trees strung with multicolored lights. The crowd had dissipated and the emptiness was comforting. She didn’t feel conversation was necessary, but she wanted to give Dex whatever she needed. Talking about her emotions didn’t come easy to her, and she was reasonably sure Dex felt the same way. She’d undergone therapy for a while after her father died, but she didn’t really have anyone in her life to share her feelings with now. Not that she wanted to, of course. Dex on the other hand had experienced her trauma as an adult. She didn’t know how the military treated therapy, but she knew there had to be a lot of soldiers who needed it. Even though it was so long ago, she could still remember the words of her therapist. “Keep talking.” “Never let anything sit inside you.” Nothing in her life had ever been important enough for her to follow that guidance. Until now.

  “Would you like to talk about what happened back there?” she asked.

  “Not really.”

  “But should you?” She glanced at Dex’s face and was surprised to see the grim look. In their short time together, Dex had been the one doing most of the pushing for them to spend time together. She had always seemed positive and upbeat. But now Lucy could see the demons dancing in the depths of her eyes.

  This was a turning point for them, she knew. She could only hope that so far she had done the right thing. Pressing Dex to confront her past before she was ready could drive a wedge between them. She certainly wouldn’t admit it, but she was growing fond of Dex and she didn’t want to drive her away. She wasn’t qualified to offer advice, of course, but she could listen. She shrugged
. “Never mind. Just know that if you want to share I’m here.”

  The only sounds were the crunch of their shoes on spots of softened snow and the occasional child’s laughter in the distance. She squeezed Dex’s hand tighter, hoping to offer support for whatever she was feeling. Dex was silent for so long that her voice almost surprised Lucy when she finally spoke.

  “A professional would probably say I should talk about it. Over and over and, oh yeah, over again.” She gave a nervous chuckle. “I’d rather talk about why you didn’t run screaming in the opposite direction.”

  Lucy shrugged again. She couldn’t put into words the protective way she had felt about Dex. Or how she would have given anything to take away her fear. Saying any of that would totally give the wrong impression about their relationship. So she went with the most obvious reason. “My mom and I attended a lot of public events after 9/11 so we spent a fair amount of time around Ground Zero survivors. Everyone handles the trauma differently, but you can usually see it in their eyes. PTSD is also fairly common with all types of law enforcement as well as prior military, and those are the people I work with.”

  “I’ve watched plenty of fireworks without a problem. Had I known they were about to go off it would’ve been fine. Being surprised is what sucks.”

  “Yeah, you’re submerged before you have a chance to think logically.”

  “The logical part of my mind is talking reality, but the rest of my body ignores it.” Dex was quiet again. Her voice was even softer when she spoke this time. “War really is hell. No matter what kind of spin is put on it. I didn’t see any real combat, but I saw enough to wonder how our soldiers ever forget.”

  “They don’t. They just learn to live with it.”

  When it was clear Dex had said all she was going to about the situation, Lucy turned their conversation to the animated three-dimensional animal displays they were passing. She was pleased to hear Dex’s voice begin to return to normal, glad they could end the evening on a more enjoyable note. She knew Dex was more than slightly embarrassed by her reaction and she wasn’t sure anything she could say would ease her mind.

  The ride back to the hotel was quiet. She enjoyed being close to Dex. She was a bit surprised at how comfortable the silence between them was, and she was hesitant to disturb it. Dex rested one hand on the center console, casually steering with the other. She wanted Dex to stay with her tonight. She wanted to hold her and reinforce that everything was okay. Words would never be enough to convince her she didn’t think any different of her. Actually, if anything she had even more respect for her.

  After her father’s death, a friend of his had pressured her into seeing a wonderful lady who specialized in children’s therapy. She had been almost twenty and not really a child, but due to the circumstances the woman had agreed to see her anyway. It had made the loss of her father more bearable for her. She hadn’t planned on continuing therapy when she returned to college. She was perfectly aware of the stigma that followed psychiatric care, especially for future law enforcement personnel. Fortunately for her the college guidance counselor had tracked her down and practically forced her to talk. She had never met him in his office but always at different spots around campus. She would step out of a class and there he would be. They would walk and talk until Lucy reached her next class. She never felt like she was seeing a psychiatrist, but looking back on it she could see how much she needed to talk and hear the words he said to her.

  The change she was seeing in her mother was clearly due to therapy too. She had more voice messages from her in the last couple weeks than she had in years. She was glad her mother had found a reason to live again, but she wasn’t sure how to start over with her. And there was always that nagging feeling of what happens when the good feeling is gone and the new happy mother leaves. She didn’t have the strength or desire to face the feelings of that kind of loss again. The easiest way to avoid all of that was to continue the way she had learned to live without everyone. Depend only on yourself.

  She waited beside the doors into the hotel as Dex passed her keys to the valet and received her parking ticket. They joined several other people, stepping into the first open elevator. When it stopped on their floor, she walked to her door without looking back at Dex. She hesitated for a second before pushing inside. She leaned her back against the closed door and berated herself for not asking Dex to stay with her. Was she crazy? She wasn’t looking for sex, although the thought of Dex’s naked body in her bed sent her body into overdrive. She simply felt a need to be close to Dex. To make sure she was okay.

  She locked her door and flipped on the lamp by the bed. Pushing aside crazy thoughts of going to Dex’s room, she prepared for bed. When she crawled under the covers, she reminded herself for the one hundredth time that she wasn’t a relationship person. She knew once she returned to work and was no longer sharing a space with Dex that she would be able to easily push aside the feelings she was having. And for her that couldn’t happen fast enough. She would get up early in the morning and head back. Her flight wasn’t until late tomorrow evening, but she could find something to do at the airport while she waited.

  She flipped off the lamp and was burrowing into the fluffy white comforter when a knock on the door pushed her to her feet. She crossed the room to check the peephole. Dex was standing in the hallway in shorts and a T-shirt. Lucy pulled open the door and stepped aside to allow her to enter. She watched Dex crawl into her bed as the door closed, blocking the light from the hallway. She walked around the bed and pulled back the covers on the other side. As soon as she was settled, Dex snuggled into her side, laying her head on Lucy’s chest. Lucy wrapped her up in her arms, holding her tight. She took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of Dex’s hair. Sweet. And spicy. Trying to identify the wonderful smell was the last thing she remembered.

  * * *

  Dex stretched and groaned as her body rejected her mind’s desire to move. She ran a hand over the bed beside her and quickly opened her eyes when she felt the cool, empty sheets. Lucy stood at the foot of the bed, her back to Dex, watching a muted television.

  “You can turn that up,” Dex mumbled.

  Lucy spun around to look at her as she stuffed the last bite of toast in her mouth. “No need. They aren’t saying anything important. There’s food if you want something.”

  “Coffee?”

  “Yep.”

  Dex sat up slowly, the pull of the bathroom forcing her to her feet faster than she would have liked. She knew she should feel awkward after showing up at Lucy’s door last night, but she didn’t. She could feel Lucy’s eyes on her as she walked the short distance to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Lucy’s eyes briefly passed over her when she returned to the room, then returned to the television.

  Dex poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down on the bed. The morning news show host was annoying to her even at the low volume. She didn’t have to be at work until tomorrow morning, but she wanted to get back today. She hadn’t done anything with her uniforms when she arrived home on Thursday, but the mall under her condo had a dry cleaner that was open twenty-four hours.

  “Are you headed back today?” Dex interrupted Lucy’s focus on the television.

  Lucy nodded, flipped off the TV, and poured herself a cup of coffee. When she turned to face Dex, her face held no emotion, and Dex wasn’t sure what she was thinking.

  “I think you should return your car here and ride back with me then,” Dex suggested.

  “Okay.” Lucy’s quick response surprised her.

  “Are you ready to go now or is there anything else you want to do before we leave?”

  “One more cup of real coffee and a shower, I guess.”

  Dex stood, placing her cup on the tray. “Then I’ll stop drinking this sludge.” She smiled. “I’ll come back for you after I shower. About thirty minutes?”

  “That’ll be fine.”

  Dex let herself out of the room and walked down the hall. The room felt as em
pty as it had last night when they returned from seeing the lights. She hadn’t been sure what kind of reception she would get from Lucy when she arrived at her door, but after standing there for a few minutes in the coldness of her own room, she had been willing to take the risk.

  Her PTSD had rarely reared its ugly head since she had left the military. She felt in control when she was in the cockpit. Outside of the cockpit, however, a loud muffler or the smell of gasoline could throw her around the world in half a second.

  Not all flashbacks were bad, actually. The smell of toast brought back memories of early morning mess hall meals and powdered eggs. Okay, maybe that was bad. But not a trauma memory that took a while to dissipate. When Lucy had wrapped her arms around her in the stall last night, she had felt at peace, and when she returned to her empty room last night, she only wanted that feeling again. The blanket of comfort and strength Lucy had provided was exactly what she needed.

  She quickly showered and threw her clothes back into her bag, then forced herself to sit patiently on the bed until the thirty minutes she had allotted Lucy had passed. She wished she knew how Lucy felt about what was happening between them. She hadn’t forgotten everything Lucy had said so clearly when they met, but she had to believe at this point she was feeling something different. Unfortunately, she knew she might not be able to get her to admit those feelings.

  After stopping in Lucy’s room, she carried their bags to her car. Lucy made the coffee run, returning with doughnuts as well. She gave an embarrassed grin as she passed their drinks and the sweets through the car window to Dex.