by Tammy Bench
‘No.’
Alice wanted to rip his clothes off. She really didn’t know what she was waiting for? She loved hearing him speak though and it’s what often kept her sane when her entire body was screaming out to have him. He made her feel loved and very much like she was the only woman that he ever noticed.
She had decided that morning on her drive to the railway station that she would just let whatever happened today happen. She wasn’t going to hold back and cover herself in guilt. She had already done the worst thing. There was no point in lying anymore, pretending that she didn’t love him or want him. She wasn’t going to hope anymore that he would change his mind and leave her alone – she didn’t want that – she wanted this.
You can only tell yourself so many times that you’re married, committed and hope it will make a difference to your choices – she was those things, but all the prayers and denial in the world can’t change the fundamental and difficult things that make us human.
‘Alice?’ he beckoned her over with his hand.
She walked to him. Her eyes drawn to his tall, muscular frame. A body that had filled her dreams for as long as she could remember. His clothes always hung from him in just the right way. His hair never over styled, but always so damn hot. His brooding face was the constant little blue pill to her libido. But his heart and his smile is what had her, all the rest was just perfectly tailored window dressing.
‘How am I going to give you up?’ she sighed.
Tom reached for her hands and pulled her towards him and she collided with his hard chest.
‘I’m going to do everything I can to make that not a fucking option,’ he whispered harshly into her hair.
He moved his mouth lower and pressed a firm kiss onto her neck just below her ear. The sensation had her moving her neck towards his lips, like a cat urging the person stroking them to continue. His lips moved lower, he brushed her hair away from her neck with his hand and kissed her collarbone. His stubble raked her skin as he moved and its prickling quality only heightened her experience further.
‘Tell me again what you want me to do?’ he asked.
‘Don’t treat me like I’m seventeen,’ she breathed, ‘I want all of the man that is standing in front of me. Not the watered down version or the teacher scared to death of being caught,’ she met his gaze.
His eyes were a heady shade of ice blue and they searched her face for the truth in her statement and found it lacking no conviction.
‘You want to push me to the edge, Alice?’ he asked.
‘I want you to take me there with you,’ she replied solemnly.
‘I’ve never known anyone like you,’ he kissed her nose and pulled her in tighter to his body.
‘All I can think about is how much I need you. How many years we have spent knowing that we still loved each other and living like it didn’t matter,’ she said against his chest.
She meant every word. She had married a man knowing she loved another. But where did that leave things now? She knew she couldn’t have both.
‘Okay baby let’s do this,’ he pushed her away suddenly and rubbed his two hands on his temples.
‘Be gentle,’ she giggled nervously looking at his serious expression. She remembered so well that puzzled but determined gaze he would give her just before he caved in and showed her just how naughty a teacher he really was.
‘That’s a joke right?’ he stared at her and waited.
‘Um…’ she fidgeted on the spot.
‘Gentle?’
She shook her head, ‘I just meant –
Tom laughed, ‘relax, baby I’m kidding,’ his eyes squinted in thought ‘do we have all day?’
‘Yes.’
‘Shower then?’ he flashed his eyes at her cheekily.
‘We never did that, did we?’ she thought back to the wondrous affair of her youth.
‘No,’ he gripped her fingers with his own and pulled her towards the bathroom.
Tom leaned his body into the walk-in shower and turned on the faucet. She watched as he sliced his arm through the powerful spray making sure the temperature was just right.
‘Do you remember the first day we met?’ she asked watching him.
‘Of course,’ he peered over his shoulder.
‘You never told me what you thought of me? When you first walked in to the classroom – did you think anything? Or was I just another faceless student?’ Alice asked absentmindedly as she unzipped her boots.
He turned to her and started opening his shirt buttons, ‘Firstly, young lady, no student is faceless. But if you want to know what I thought…’
She nodded smiling up at him.
‘I thought, fuck. That’s the truth, I actually sat there after you had left the room with the rest of the class and my hands were shaking. I thought who the hell is that enticing little fairy that I have to pretend I’m not having visions of screwing? It was bloody scary.’
Alice watched him pull the shirt from his waistband, ‘I think I was thinking about some random teenage thing, just minding my own business really. The bell had gone already and you were late so everyone had started kicking off. I remember the door opening and you walking in a few minutes later. You looked so angry at everyone. You really scared me. Then you sat down at your desk and started talking and as I stared at you my skin became hot and my mouth got dry. I licked my lips when I watched you click the top of your pen…’
Tom moved towards her quickly, ‘you don’t have to say anymore. I got it. If you want me to lose the plot then carry on,’ he growled.
‘I’m just trying to tell you how I felt.’
‘You’re trying to get a reaction,’ he said pulling his shirt off aggressively.
She ignored him, ‘as I was saying, I thought if he turned to me now and told me to crawl over to his desk and well…’ she blushed, ‘I would have. I would have sat at your feet and followed your lead instantly. All that and the mad thing was I had never even thought much about stuff like that before.’
‘It was amazing that I resisted for so long,’ he said staring down at her. He was almost naked. But she was still fully dressed.
‘I really thought I had no chance. I was a student, I shouldn’t have even been contemplating it,’ she kicked her boots aside, stood and moved her hand to his chest and traced his skin with her fingertips.
‘Get your fucking clothes off,’ he demanded. His voice was serious and his eyes told her she had said enough. Yet, she wanted him worked up. She wanted him ready to fulfil her desires, absent his control.
‘No,’ her lips trembled.
‘What?’
‘I’ve touched myself hundreds of times dreaming it was your hands on me. Even before we made love and for all the years after…’
‘Alice. Stop. I know what you’re doing. You don’t have to goad me into the state that you want me in, I’m there. Now get undressed or I will make sure you don’t come for hours. I’ll build you up and keep you waiting as punishment for ever thinking I need priming to be what you want me to be. I am that – now let’s see if you can handle it.’
She looked at him and then began to remove her clothes slowly.
He raised his eyes. Her whole body sang with delight as she studied his face watching her. His jaw was set with impatience. His chest rose and fell faster than normal but his brow was heavy with a concern she didn’t understand.
‘When you’re just like this you’re still mine,’ he breathed as she stepped out of her knickers. But he didn’t touch her.
Tom turned and moved into the shower. Alice stared as the small beads of water clung to his sculpted torso and gently wove a seductive path down his beautiful frame.
She was captivated.
His erection stood proud of his body, she shivered a little, not knowing if it was because she was naked or the thought of things to come.
Tom raked a hand through his wet hair, efficiently removing any excess moisture. He found her gaze and smiled at her obvious distraction.
‘Get in here,’ he ordered pulling her under the beautiful warm flow of water.
‘Is it crazy that I never want another woman to see you like this? With me being married and everything?’ she whispered and wrapped her fingers around his penis.
‘Well all you have to do is choose me,’ he half joked, ‘if you don’t you’ll have to live with the image of me screwing around with other girls forever.’
Alice smiled sadly, ‘I don’t want that.’
‘To be perfectly honest baby, if I were you, neither would I… I mean look at me.’
They both started laughing and in moments the laughter had turned into a hug. They both held so tightly they could feel each-others heartbeat. This was too real for either of them to make light of, the jokes only served to soften the blow of potential ruin that might follow.
Tom snuggled into her neck and his strong hands fell onto her bottom and gently kneaded her flesh, ‘right,’ he said into her ear, ‘it’s time to get serious.’
‘I know,’ she pulled away from his arms and looked up to his face.
‘Get down on your knees,’ he ordered.
She blinked a few times, then placed her hands on the wet floor of the shower carefully and bent in front of him.
Tom reached out and pulled her face towards his body. She opened her mouth and he silently pushed himself past her lips. She moaned at the instant feeling of heat and the sudden stab of arousal in her pelvis. She heard him sigh as she moved her mouth slowly over him.
Tom grabbed her hair in his fists and pushed her head lower. She felt his hips thrust forward and she struggled to catch up with his strong movements. Water covered her face and dripped from his body, making it an extremely powerful mixture of sensations to control.
She looked up at Tom. He was lost in the moment. His blue eyes so transfixed by the spectacle that he could have been in another world. His muscular arms were taut as he continued to push forward, while holding her head still. She loved what he was doing. She loved that it could be considered base and degrading to be held like this and used, yet she felt neither.
She would do this for her husband from time to time, he would never push her or order her to her knees and she did enjoy it. But she never felt the need to try too hard at it. She never really let herself worry that she might not be doing it right or as he wanted.
With Tom it was different. She only wanted to do everything he wanted. He challenged her without ever saying a word. He set a pace and he expected you to follow without question. If your jaw ached you didn’t complain or stop, you could only carry on. If he asks too much of you then you simply find a way through the panic, not because he’s expecting you to but because you want to. There was nothing soft or loving about the way he felt at the back of her throat, it was primal, exhausting and it shocked her. Her knees hurt from resting on the hard tiles and her eyes stung because of the constant stream of warm water splashing into them. But nothing had ever left her climbing the walls with a need to totally submerge herself in sin the way he left her.
‘You’re insane,’ he half shouted.
She grabbed his body and pulled him closer.
He stopped moving then and looked down at her, the grip he had on her hair tightened and he wouldn’t let her pull back. He held her mouth over him, as far as he could go and she could look nowhere but into his tortured eyes. Alice tried again to move, she was finding it hard to control her breathing, her reflex to swallow overwhelmed her and when she finally did he swore loudly and dug his fingertips into her scalp a little harder. Her hands went to his legs to find her balance, her body poised and all too aware of her own building need for release. She swallowed again and this time it was easier to do. He shook his head and closed his eyes. She needed air now though and she lightly stroked his thigh. He looked down at her and with her expression she asked him to give her a minute.
He narrowed his gaze, like he had just realised what was happening and ripped himself away from her abruptly, turned his back and slammed his two palms hard onto the tiled wall. Alice caught her breath quickly and wiped the water from her face.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked reaching out and touching the back of his calf.
Tom rested his head against the wall.
‘Tom?’ she stood. A little scared to find out, she covered his back with her small body and snaked her arms around his waist. He took her hands and wrapped them tighter around his middle. She reached down and he was still hard under her fingers. He stiffened as she ran her fingers up and down its length marvelling at its smoothness as the water eased her way. She stretched her neck up and kissed the top of his back and across his shoulders blades.
‘I love you, Tom,’ she whispered, ‘I know how hard you find this?’
He made a noise then began to shake his head, ‘Do you believe I can treat you like that and hope to have any kind of second chance?’ his voice was hard.
‘I want it,’ she answered, ‘do you know how much it turns me on?’
‘No.’
She took his hand, pulled it behind him and placed it between her thighs. His fingers found her arousal and she trembled, ‘I love that little dark in you – I always have.’
‘I only want to please you; you know that?’
‘I do, and I you.’
Tom turned around suddenly and with an expression that could only be described as possessed he leaned forward and pushed his fingers inside of her, thrusting upwards and making her cry out. She took a breath to gather herself.
Her eyes filled up a strange kind of fear, tears threatened to fall with the force of what she knew would follow. His hand moved steadily for what only could have been a matter of moments and she began shaking her head against the pure emotion coming at her like a stampede.
Her gaze dropped to his arm between her legs, the strong tendons in his wrist flexed and jumped as he spread his fingers inside of her. She felt her entire body tense when he twisted his hand slightly and pressed against the small bundle of nerves hidden deep inside of her.
The hot spray of the shower cascaded over her breasts and down her thighs but her mind was no longer connected to anything but him. Tom applied pressure to the ultra-sensitive spot with expert precision. She felt her limbs go numb and he caught her gently when her legs buckled. Just seconds after that she promptly exploded onto his fingers.
She’d never known anything like it. It felt like the top of her head had been struck like a match, the heat so concentrated at first gently separated and slowly rippled down her body, touching every inch of her flesh in its wake. The many strands of pleasure then regrouped deep inside of her and pulsated until she was shaking and unsure of what had just happened.
‘Fuck…’ she panted.
‘Hey, that’s my line,’ he smiled.
‘Sorry,’ she shrugged.
Tom lifted her in his arms and carried her through to the bedroom. He placed her on the bed and moved back to the bathroom to grab towels.
He reappeared with one in his hand and another wrapped around his waist. He placed it over her shoulders and rubbed her arms slowly.
Alice stared at him.
‘What?’ he smiled.
‘You’d get sick of me without the danger and excitement and we’ve never known each other away from it. I’d bore someone as passionate as you eventually if we were ever together properly.’
‘Sometimes I wonder if you know me at all?’ he said with mild anger in his tone, ‘danger doesn’t turn me on or make this whole thing better. It makes it harder, more painful and fucking impossible. If we never had sex again, but instead you told me you would be with me, I would happily live the rest of my life celibate, more contented and more in love than any man alive,’ he dropped to his knees in front of her and pushed her towel up her legs a little more.
‘You couldn’t live without sex,’ Alice smoothed his wet hair away from his face gently.
‘I can’t live without you,’ he replied solemnly.
&nbs
p; ‘Tom, I have to ask you a question.’
‘Go on?’ he looked puzzled.
‘What if I don’t know what to do? What if I want to be with you but can’t leave my husband right away?’ she watched his eyes narrow and instantly wished she could take back her words.
‘What’re you asking, Alice? If I’ll be your bit on the side until you’re brave enough to leave him?’
‘No, not like that... indefinitely,’ she bit her bottom lip, ‘would you wait until I was ready?’
‘I’d wait forever baby, but not while you’re screwing another man. I’d wait to move in with you for the sake of your child and I’d wait to ask you for our own. I’d wait while you beat yourself up with guilt every night and I’d dry your tears when you think that you’ve made a mistake and Hayley needs her father. But I won’t wait in my house, in another country for a call that may never come. Holding out for the next stolen moment I can feel your body against mine,’ he was angry, ‘I can barely stomach the thought of you leaving here today with these rings on your finger,’ he grabbed her hand and let it fall again.
What answer had she expected from him? He was the most hot-blooded person she knew. How could she ask him to stand on the side lines and watch? If the shoe were on the other foot and he was the one going back to a beautiful wife every night she would be going crazy with the very same jealousy that burned within him.
‘I’m sorry. I’m just so confused. I wouldn’t ask you to do that. Forget I said it.’
‘You haven’t been with him this week have you? Since we slept together?’ Tom asked angrily.
‘No.’
‘Alice?’
‘No, I haven’t. He tried and I made up an excuse. I didn’t want to.’
‘That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? But in my head you’re mine and you always have been, so he is trying to fuck my woman and not the other way round,’ Tom laughed scathingly at himself.
‘I know how you feel. I felt that way about you for years.’
‘Rest assured baby, every woman I have been with has been you,’ he tapped his head, ‘up here.’
‘Come here,’ she pulled his arms towards her. She had to cut the tension the only way she knew would tempt him out of a massive Irish temper that seemed to be brewing. Something that she had seen before a few times and knew wasn’t where she wanted him to get to today. She had upset him when all she really wanted to do was make him happy.