Longing for Love

by Vicki Green

  We leave her room, Kane leaving her door open a crack, and walk hand in hand back to the living room and resume our positions on the couch. “Maybe I should go. I think you two need some bonding time and I’ll only intrude.” He gives me a sad look. I reach up and rub my finger across the worry lines on his forehead and smile. “We have time but right now she needs her daddy. I’ll come over tomorrow after work. Who’s watching her while you’re at work or are you taking the day off?” His eyes lighten and he takes my hand from his face and kisses the top. If I could have only a smidge of the love he looked at Danie with, I’d be in heaven. I’d finally feel whole, complete. But how could he truly love me? I know he told me he did but his whole life he’s catered to himself, knowing the love of his family but not the love of a woman. Maybe he only told me he loved me in the heat of the moment. I’m not sure men like him could ever really change especially in this short time. How would I know for sure?

  “I’m taking the day off tomorrow, just because she’s only arrived but then Ma will watch her, when we think she will be comfortable. I don’t want to take too much time off work but I want to make sure she’ll be okay without me too. Ma will come over here so that Danie can get used to this being her home, not wanting to bounce her around. Pop’s coming over too. He’s thrilled and they both already love her so much. She’s pretty comfortable with Ma and is warming up to Pop. I think she warmed up to you so quickly because you’re a woman.” He smiles. “Thank fuck. Oops.” I let out a laugh. “Yeah, with her mom gone, I think she does better with women but she’s taken to me pretty well too.”

  “That’s because you’re her daddy,” I say leaning in and kissing his lips. “I can take a day off and stay with her here too. Maybe we can alternate until you feel like your mom can come over? Or will she not want me to be here with her alone yet either?”

  He leans back a bit. The look of concentration sweeps across his face. “I don’t want you to get in trouble with your dad.” When I open my mouth to speak, he places two fingers on my lips. I kiss them and he smiles. “First of all, I love you.” My lips spread into a smile. “Second, I can already tell she’s falling in love with you as much as I have. I know she’d love you to spend a day with her, take care of her. But you’re dad’s an arrogant asshole. I know what his words do to you. He’s cruel with them and he knows it, feeds on it.” He’s right. I know this, but it’s never stopped me from trying harder to get his heart, his love. Kane cups both sides of my face, holding me steady. “Do you know when I first knew I loved you, first felt it in my entire being?” My eyes widen, wanting to know, needing to be sure. “It wasn’t that you just gave me something so precious letting me make love to you for the first time. But it was there that I loved for the first time there, in that moment. I’ve never felt before, never let myself go completely. I didn’t want to just fuck for my own pleasure. I wanted to give you pleasure, feel you come undone beneath me knowing I did that. I wanted to give you everything my heart could give, pour it into you, and make you feel me. All of me.”

  My heart melts a little more but I still have reservations. He’s been free, not being tied down. Not wanting to. Why would he just change for me? It doesn’t make sense. His eyes search mine. “Stop thinking so hard.” He leans into me, closer. I can smell him, feel his warmth. “Let me give you love. My love. Let me show you I can be the man you deserve.” He bends down, staring into my eyes, his filled with conviction. “Can you let me try? Can you let me give you something you’ve always needed, wanted? I think over the years you’ve been forced into believing it’s something you have to earn.” I shake my head but inside I nod. “Baby, you don’t earn love or the right to be loved. Love is given freely. Your mom loved you. Your brother loves you. You never did anything to earn that love but just exist. That’s the way love is supposed to be.” Tears fall from my eyes, landing on his hands. He knows this love from his family, always has. He knows the love between a man and woman if only from seeing it from his parents. “I’ve changed. I know it’s hard for you to believe but believe it. Believe me. Trust me to show you. Feel it from me.” My chin quivers and I soften as he rubs his thumb over my cheek. “I’ve never felt like this before. Ever. I knew one day it would happen, that I’d meet the right woman and I’d change forever. Bria, you swept me off my feet.” I know he’s right. I know that if I don’t try to trust him, give myself totally to him and believe he won’t hurt me, I’ll never know if he has changed for sure.

  I place my hands on his arms, my tears still flowing. “I trust you,” glides from my lips freely.

  He leans in and kisses me, softly, gently at first. Suddenly the room becomes warm. Our need explodes around us, through us. We’re all hands, tongues, with hard kisses and frantic movements. Our breathing become labored, our chests rising and falling heavily. A sounds travels down the small hallway and into the room. A whimper. We both still, trying to breathe slowly and listen.

  Danie.

  A small cry and a look of alarm on Kane’s face. This has to be hard for him. Finding out he has a daughter and not really knowing what to do. “Do you want me to go with you?” His face floods with relief.

  “Would you?” I give him a small smile.

  I would do anything for you.

  I know he feels totally out of his element but I also don’t mind helping. She seems like such a sweet girl. Nodding as I stand, I reach out and he takes my hand. We walk back to Danie’s room and I stand by the door as he sits down on the edge of her bed and comforts her. It was hard enough to lose Mom at the age of eight but I got to feel loved by her, really know her so I could remember her. Poor Danie didn’t get that chance, not really. I’m sure she might remember some things but not enough. Turning my head, I see a framed picture sitting on top of her dresser. Curiosity gets the better of me and I take the few steps to the dresser and pick it up. I see a woman holding her young daughter standing on a beach. The wind is whipping their hair around but my heart wretches at them looking at each other smiling so big. Danie looks to be maybe about two or so. The woman is beautiful. Same coloring of hair as Danie but she has green eyes. Danie must have gotten Kane’s because her eyes are the same gorgeous brown. She also has his smaller nose with the little upturn at the end. A shiver runs through me, the feeling I get when I think of Mom and how much I miss her. So many times I’ve needed her. Her advice, her hugs, and long to see her comforting smile. To know that Danie will never have that again from the one person who’s always been there for her in her young life brings tears to my eyes. I feel him near me and set the picture down, feeling like I just got caught doing something wrong. His arm wraps around me but I’m afraid to look at him. He draws my chin up with his hand and I have no choice but to look into his eyes.

  “It’s okay, baby. It’s Danie’s favorite picture of her and her mom.” I nod and look down at her sleeping form. He pulls me around and we walk out of her room and he leads me into his kitchen. “Sit down. I’ll get you some water.” I nod, numbly, and sit down at the table pulling my hands in front of me, clasping them tightly. It’s not long before a bottled water is placed before me.

  “Did she do that last night too,” I whisper then look up at him, wrapping my hands against the cool and wet bottle.

  He takes a drink of his water, his brows furrow. “Yeah. Only thing I can do it just be there for her. Not sure what else I can do. Ma’s looking into a child psychologist to see if that will help.” I nod, understanding the need for that.

  “I know it has to be so hard for her. She’s so young and….” I let out a sniff without thinking. “Especially for a young girl, it’s hard to lose your mother.” A tear drops on my arm and I look down. I see his hand come into my vision on top of my arm. I let out a small, sad laugh. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I….”

  “Bria.”

  I look up and see the wetness in his eyes.

  “You can relate to her. I’m sorry this is upsetting for you.” I pull my hand away and wipe underneath
my eyes. “You’re always so strong, so self-assured, but it’s okay to let go sometimes. It’s okay to cry, feel your loss.

  I smile and place my hand over his. “Mother used to say I hid my feelings so well, even at a young age. But then she’d say that when my dam would break we’d all better take cover.” He lets out a laugh.

  Suddenly, he stands. “Come on. Let’s go snuggle on the couch. I know I need some holding right now. How about you?” His mouth lifts into a grin and it’s so comforting. He takes the steps until he’s beside me then reaches out his hand. Placing mine in his, I stand. He leans over and grabs my water in the same hand as his, and we walk to the living room for some much needed snuggle time. I think this might be my favorite time with him, just being together, no talking but just holding each other.

  * * * * * *

  “Bria.”

  I snuggle into my pillow more not wanting to leave the warmth.

  “Bria, baby, you’re gonna be late.”

  My eyes snap open and look into brown depths. He’s bent down in front of me with his hands on his knees. I sit up quickly, moving my head around as a crimp in my neck pinches. Disoriented, I look around and find myself sitting on his couch. I look up at him in alarm. “What time is it?” Damn, we must have fallen asleep here last night. My heart begins to beat so fast with the fear that I’ll be late to work.

  “It’s five so you have time but I wanted to make sure you weren’t rushing home not fully awake.” He gives me a smile and holds out his hand. “I’ve made you some breakfast and coffee.” If I wasn’t so tired and have this crimp in my neck, I would tackle him on the floor for his sweetness. He leads me into the kitchen and pulls out the nearest chair. Once I’ve sat down, he walks to the microwave and takes out a plate. He brings it and sets it down in front of me and as he leaves I notice a napkin and silverware sitting beside it. I look up when he stands beside me, setting down a cup of coffee. He gives me a smile and then takes a seat across from me, holding his own cup of coffee. “I know it’s not from your favorite coffee place….” I raise one brow and smile. “But I went to the store and I got some of that French creamer stuff you loved last time.” I look down, my lips parting when I see the small little cups of the French Vanilla creamer I use at home. Could he be any sweeter? “Go on, eat.” His smile is huge and my heart squeezes.

  I eat quickly, not realizing how hungry I was. The coffee was divine and once I help him by taking my plate to the sink, rinsing it off, and putting it in the dishwasher, he walks me to the door. Once he’s opened it, I walk through but quickly I’m turned around and in his strong arms. His mouth claims mine and my arms move up around his neck of their own accord. His tongue seeks entrance and I grant it quickly. “Fuck, I don’t want you to leave,” he says against my lips.

  I pull back and look into his eyes. “Why don’t you bring Danie over later today? I can do some work from home and we can take her to the beach.” His eyes light up. “Maybe we can take a picnic dinner there.” My fingers begin stroking across the back of his head, loving the feeling of his short soft hair. His eyes flutter.

  “Baby, that sounds like heaven but if you don’t stop, I’m gonna end up corrupting my daughter with the screaming I’m gonna make you do in my bedroom.” I swallow hard, the thought of making love, being beneath his strong body and having been without it for the last few days causes me to push against him harder. I feel how hard he is pressing against my stomach. “God, I want you,” he whispers then captures my mouth again. My hands pull his head to me harder as our tongues slide against each other’s. Wet. Minty. Coffee. He releases my mouth, rubbing his soft scruff over the side of my face. “You’d better go before I pick you up and throw you over my shoulder.” He chuckles that low gruff sound traveling down my body and right to my core that’s burning for him to be inside. He’s so not helping me leave.

  Reluctantly, I release my hold on him and take a step back. “I’ll see you all later.” I keep stepping backwards until I hit the wall behind me. I let out an embarrassed gasp but his smile remains wide as I turn and walk out of the building. It’s going to be a long day. On the way home, all my thoughts are on how fast I can get my work done and what can we do to get alone time so we can quench our needs.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Kane

  Fuck! I wonder if we can be quick enough to have sex while Danie’s taking a nap or maybe while she’s sleeping for the night. Nah, what if she’d wake up, have one of her bad dreams? I think it’s gonna be a long time before I can be buried in Bria again. I let out a sigh and close the door. I go take a hot shower, relieving myself again wishing that it was Bria helping instead of having to take matters in my own hands. Well, hand. Fuck, I’m pathetic. I’m also hornier than shit but only for one person. The one person who’s stolen my heart, buried it deep inside, and I never want it back.

  It’s been strange the last couple of days. Having to give Danie a bath, brush her long hair, and fumbling with the small barrettes or ties to pull it away from her sweet face with my large fingers, has given me a lot of time to think. We haven’t left the apartment, Ma and Pop always come here, so today will be another test of my strength taking her over to Bria’s. I think she’ll like the beach. There’s so many pictures that were in the box of her things that are of her and her mom on the beach. It’s either going to be painfully hard for her to go or mixed feelings. Or maybe it’ll help her in some small way. Fuck, I wish I knew what I was doing. I’ve not really been around small kids. Hell, I’ve just been a boy and then grew up going from woman to woman. Now, all I want is to raise Danie and be with Bria, maybe even get married and have a child of our own. Whoa! Stop the madness! My heart starts racing as I get dressed, all these thoughts pounding in my head. I’m getting ahead of myself when I need to take a step back, get Danie the help she needs and find some time to be with Bria. Soon.

  “Do you like the beach?”

  I set down the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front of Danie, having cut off the crust which I was scolded for yesterday. She may not talk but she can give a mean look when she wants you to know it’s not what she wants or likes. I couldn’t figure out what she was trying to tell me until she put her finger on the crust and shook her head at me. Now I cut them off and she actually gives me a small smile when I give it to her.

  “I thought maybe we could go to the beach later. You know my friend Bria? She lives in a house and has a small beach right behind it. We could have a picnic dinner and everything.” Thank fuck Ma had bought her a swimsuit when we did our fast paced shopping the day she got here. She thought of everything down to those small contraptions that go in her hair. I thought it a bit strange with her having just Brock and me and knowing all this stuff. Irish was older when she came to live with us. But she informed me that a woman just knows. I left it at that.

  I sit down beside her and watch her small hands pick up one of the halves of the sandwich and take as big of a bite as her little mouth can. “How about it. Wanna go to the beach later?” We sit in silence and I watch her chew. It’s weird being the only one talking and trying to figure out what she’s trying to say or what she wants just by her actions. I was never good at charades. Finally, her big eyes move to mine and widen. She nods and then takes another bite. Thank fuck!

  Bria texted me about two hours later telling me to come over. I never realized how long it would take to get Danie ready and a small bag packed with beach towels, extra pair of clothes for her, and some of her toys that she kept adding. Then getting her into the back seat of my truck, fastening the harness over her head and clasping it took even longer. I know I’ll eventually get used to it but it takes me way longer than it should. By the time I pull into Bria’s driveway, the sun has already lowered enough that I don’t really need my sunglasses any longer. I pick up Danie and the bag, then walk to her door, giving it a knock and look at Danie, giving her a smile. I can’t wait until the day she speaks. I know hearing her call me Daddy for the first time will send me to
my knees. She lets me brush back a few loose strands of her hair and I wonder what it was like watching her being born, taking her first steps and hearing her first words, what she sounded like. Of course, I’d give anything to hear what she sounds like now but I can be patient. I know she will when she’s ready.

  “Kane! Danie! Please, come in.”

  Bria’s voice awakens me from my thoughts and I walk inside carrying my daughter. My daughter. God, that still sounds so weird. I follow Bria straight to the kitchen and see a picnic basket sitting on the breakfast bar. I look at Danie and see her eyes light up. “Picnic basket.” She nods excitedly, her hair bouncing with the movement. Bria smiles and walks towards us.

  “Danie. Would you like me to put your hair in a ponytail or pigtails? Then we can go to the beach and I think there might be a little surprise in that basket for you.”

  Danie looks at me questioningly, like I’d be offended since I put those small things in her hair. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I think you’d look really pretty with either.”

  We both stand there waiting with bated breath hoping maybe she’ll talk to tell us which she would like. The silence becomes deafening. Finally, she looks at Bria and smiles then holds up her hand and curls her fingers until only one is showing. “Oh! You’d like a ponytail!” Bria almost shouts in excitement. Danie nods repeatedly, smiling. “Well, come with me and I’ll fix it for you.” My mouth drops open when Danie reaches out her arms toward Bria and Bria lifts her up and carries her over to the breakfast bar and deposits her onto a stool. “Kane. Come watch her while I run upstairs and get a tie.” I nod, still astonished at how quickly Danie has taken to Bria. Although, I shouldn’t be. Bria is amazing. It’s no wonder Danie likes her. I stand behind Danie, waiting for Bria to return and start to open the lid of the picnic basket when suddenly my hand is slapped. I startle, about ready to laugh at Bria when I look down and see Danie glaring up at me shaking her head.