Longing for Love

by Vicki Green

  “What? I can’t peek?”

  She shakes her head again and then raises a finger swinging it back and forth telling me no. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

  “Uh, oh. What did you do?”

  I snap my head and watch Bria entering the kitchen, her eyes on Danie then move to mine. “What? I just wanted to peek inside the basket.” I put my hands on Danie’s shoulders and squeeze gently. “But Little Miss here told me I couldn’t.” I can’t stop my chuckle but try to be quiet. I don’t want Danie to think I’m laughing at her, even though I am.

  “Well, Danie was correct. No peeking!” Bria walks up to me and pushes me aside playfully with her hip. Fuck, I’d love to be holding both of those hips as I…. “Let’s get your hair up and then we can go to the beach and have some fun.” Danie’s head is moving up and down with her nodding as Bria removes the clips I’d put in there and starts gathering up her hair in back. I’m frustrated because I wish Bria and I can have some alone time but yet I’m fascinated watching her fix Danie’s hair with ease. Shit, I’m turning into a girl. She gets it fastened and then Danie tilts her head back giving her a big smile. My heart melts a little watching my girls connecting. Danie and I both watch as Bria shows her another tie and grabs her own hair, pulling it up into a ponytail to match Danie’s. Danie smiles brightly.

  I clear my throat from the emotion choking me. “Well, let’s get going. I wanna see that surprise.”

  Danie claps her little hands and starts to slide off the stool. I leap towards her, ready to catch her before she falls, but Bria scoops her up and sets her on the floor. I might have just had a small heart attack. I pick up the picnic basket and we go out the back door. Once on the deck, a small hand finds mine, and I look over to see her holding Bria’s hand as well. My heart just did a flip and I swallow my emotions again. Is this what Ma and Pop felt when we were little? It feels like every little thing she does grabs my heart and squeezes. Then Bria makes my heart beat so hard, so fast, that I feel like it could burst. How did I get so lucky? I definitely don’t deserve it, not after how I’ve treated women for so long. I hope this isn’t a cruel joke, having it all taken away from me, pulled out from under me. We help Danie down the deck steps and she begins skipping, still holding our hands, down the stone steps. When we get through the small clearing she jumps and squeals. She may not be talking but all other noises from her emotions are loud and strong. Once down to the area Bria and I normally sit, Bria lays down the blanket and we all sit down. I watch Bria open the basket and pull out a small plastic bucket with a small plastic shovel and rake inside it. All bright pink. Danie squeals again holding out her arms with her fingers wiggling.

  “What do you say, Danie?” Instinct takes hold and I ask a question I’d heard so many times growing up.

  She lays her hands down in her lap and looks up at me, the sun brightening the lighter parts in her hair and brown eyes. She gives me a sad look, like I asked her to do the impossible. Ma had talked to a friend of hers, a child psychologist, and she said to interact like you would any normal child until I can get her into see her in a couple of days. She said to be gentle, caring, but to treat her how a normal three year old should be treated. She squints her eyes from the sun, her long ponytail hanging low with her face raised to me. Finally, she looks at Bria and the look on her face breaks my heart then she does something that had I not been sitting down, my knees would have buckled. She stands and takes the two steps over to Bria, kisses her cheek and throws her arms around her. I swear my eyes fill with tears instantly. I’m turning into a girl and a panty waist. Nah, I’m turning into a dad and a…. I’m not sure what to call what Bria and I have together. Girlfriend doesn’t seem enough. Lover, definitely, but it’s more. So much more. Bria smiles at me, her own tears filling her eyes, and then she whispers something to Danie and helps move her away then she hands her the small bucket and contents and whispers something else. Danie looks over at me, her ponytail whipping around her in a breeze, and smiles, then she walks a few feet away. Bria crawls over beside me and I put my arm around her shoulders as we watch my daughter play in the sand. This. I want this. I want all of it. I let out a contented sigh and Bria’s arm wraps around my waist, her head finding my shoulder. I turn just enough to kiss the top of her head and lean mine against hers. God, I felt so restless before. Maybe all that time I was looking for this, looking for the right woman. So much wasted time. Then again, I wouldn’t have Danie if I’d acted any differently. Not saying what I did was right but just look at her.

  A couple of hours later, I carry Danie to my truck, fast asleep in my arms. Once I’ve got her fastened into her seat, I turn and see Bria standing there. The wind is softly blowing her hair, her eyes lit by the moonlight and the outside lights of her house. Her arms are wrapped around herself, like she’s trying to get warm from that breeze. This is the first time I’ve left her at night. I wish we could just go back inside and tuck Danie in a bed in one of her spare bedrooms and I could take Bria in my arms and make sweet love to her in her bed. I walk over to her, put my arms around her and hug her hard. Her arms open and wrap around my waist and hug me back.

  “Soon, baby. Soon we can be together again like we’re meant to be. I know that this is hard on you. I’m sorry.” Her face lifts and I take in those beautiful brown eyes.

  “This is just as hard on you,” she whispers and a smile breaks free when I press my hard cock against her soft stomach.

  I let out a chuckle. “Yeah, well, I can tell by you covering up those hard nipples that it affects you just as much.” She laughs quietly, giving my lower back a smack with her hand.

  “I’m just cold is all.” She plays innocent. Yeah, she’s not so innocent, thank fuck!

  Suddenly, seriousness overtakes me and I lean down, capturing her mouth quickly, silencing her. Her hands move up my back and my hand finds her breast, the other pulls on her ponytail. “God, I miss this. I want you so badly,” I whisper in her ear as my mouth nips and sucks her earlobe. I knead her breast then rub my thumb over her perk nipple and she’s starts to let out a moan. I cover her mouth with mine and capture that sexy moan quickly. This is fucking killing me. Finally, I pull away, giving her my best smile even though I’m not really feeling it. I don’t want to leave. “Soon, baby. I promise.”

  She nods in understanding and leans up, kissing me one last time, then takes a few steps back as I get in my truck. I slide onto my seat and buckle up then turn it on. As I’m pulling out of her drive and give her a wave, I head up her street to go home, thinking how lucky I am. I have everything I’ve ever wanted yet I still can’t have it all, yet. I won’t push Danie for my own needs. She needs time to heal and she’s so young. Once I’ve gotten her home, I carry her inside and straight to her bedroom, glad that I’d thought to take over a pair of her jammies and had gotten her changed before she fell asleep. I tuck her in bed, kissing her forehead lightly, and walk to my bedroom and to my shower.

  I haven’t wanted to take matters into my own hand so much but I’ve had a major hard on ever since I was with Bria and don’t think I can go to sleep until I’ve done something about it. After stepping under the hot water, I close my eyes and take my hard length into my hand, squeezing then stroking. It’s so hard it’s painful, aching for more than my touch. I picture Bria beneath me and I thrust inside of her, hard. “Fuck!” God, she’s so tight that I’m stretching her, pushing harder to be enveloped by her. I stroke harder, feeling my balls tightening.

  So fast.

  Too fast.

  It’s been too long, even though it’s only been a few days. I push in and out of her, loving the feel and the sounds of her moans. My balls tighten more, achingly, and tingles flow through me as I stroke harder, faster.

  Excruciating.

  Exhilarating.

  I slap my free hand against the tile, the sound echoing around me as my cock releases, my cum intermingling with the spray of water. Slowly at first then a burst, eliciting a loud moan from deep within me as it begin
s to release more readily.

  Relief.

  Heaven.

  Bria.

  “Fuck! Bria!” I let out a cry, almost a sob, wishing she were really here with me. I lay my forehead against my outstretched arm, trying to calm my heavy breaths. Not the best orgasm I’ve ever had but it’ll have to do. For now. Flashes of the night I took Bria’s virginity roam across my mind. That was the best orgasm I’ve ever had. Knowing that I took something so sacred of hers.

  She gave it to you.

  Freely.

  Knowing that I gave her one and the feeling of her muscles tight around my hard cock, gave me something that I’ve never had before. Love, compassion, the best night of my life, and the one thing I thought I’d never have, would never find. The woman of my dreams, of my heart, body, and soul.

  Finally, my heartbeat goes back to normal as well as my breathing and I quickly wash. After drying off and getting my sleep pants on, brush my teeth, and relieve myself, I flip off the light and stop cold when I see a little angel asleep in my bed. Fuck, I hope she didn’t hear me. I wonder if she had another bad dream and I wasn’t there for her. Guilt floods me until she lets out a small whimper in her sleep. I’m unsure of sleeping with her yet she is my daughter and she needs me. I climb into bed and slide under the covers. Her little body feels my presence immediately and turns over, snuggling into me, and letting out a small sigh of contentment. I put my arm around her and kiss the top of her head. God, there can’t be anything better than being a daddy. Well, maybe except for being a boyfriend, or whatever it is I am.

  * * * * * *

  “Okay. I’ll see you over there.” I’ve been talking to Bria about me picking her up and taking her over to Ma and Pops this morning but she’s adamant about driving herself. “Fuck, I can’t wait to see you.” I hear the clearing of a throat and cover my mouth when I see Danie standing in the doorway of the living room. Shit! I really need to watch my mouth more around her. I mouth an I’m sorry to her and she nods. “I’ll see you in a little bit,” I tell Bria and end the call. Danie has met with the child psychologist twice now and even though she still hasn’t spoken a word, I can tell she moves a little lighter and is more animated about everything. She walks over to the kitchen and I follow her, knowing exactly why she’s going in there. On top of the breakfast bar is a jar full of money. This was her idea of creating a cussing jar. Well, she calls it the “bad word jar” but in my mind it’s a cussing jar. I have to put in a quarter every time I let out a cuss word and she holds me to it. I dig into my pocket and hold out my hand but there aren’t any quarters. She climbs up the stool and onto her knees and looks at the change in my palm and then up at me. I raise one of my brows telling her to count out the change that makes a quarter, trying to teach her. She looks down and I hold in my chuckle at her concentrating look. She picks up a nickel and a dime then bites her lip as she tries to figure out the next coin. She starts to pick up another nickel and looks up at me. I slowly shake my head and she lays it back down. Finally, she smiles and picks up a dime and looks at me again. I smile back and nod and then watch her drop the coins into the jar.

  “Come on, slave driver, let’s go fix your hair so we can go over to Ma and Pops.” She nods and I start to walk towards her bathroom, knowing she can get down herself.

  That was a hard lesson for me. I lost count how many small heart attacks I nearly had from her climbing up and getting down the stools here or at Bria’s house this week but I’m finding she’s like a little monkey and would get frustrated and angry the more I tried to help her. Yeah, she’s definitely got some of me in her. Stubborn. Also, in the last few days, I’ve mastered putting her hair up into a ponytail or pigtails yet I still can’t seem to grasp braiding. Not sure I’ll ever be able to do that. If she wants her hair braided she just shows Ma or Bria or even Irish or Taren by crossing her index finger over the next finger and we’ve learned what she wants them to do. I’m a little relieved that not knowing how to do this one thing it means that I’ve not totally conformed entirely into a girl. Yet.

  It’s become easier to carry Danie’s bag and get her into her car seat, strap her in, and get her settled. Every time I do anything or watch her, I think about what Ma and Pop had gone through with us, the emotions they must have felt. I understand so much more now about what I’d put them through growing up and appreciate them even more. I never realized just how hard it is to be a parent yet how rewarding as well but I know there’s so much more to experience as Danie grows. I’m already thinking about buying a gun to ward off boys for when she gets older. She’s already so cute, so beautiful. I can only imagine what a knockout she’ll be when she gets to be a teenager or a woman. Yeah, I’ll need to have a gun at my disposal.

  “Ma! Pop! We’re here!” I yell as I walk inside their door and set Danie down. She takes off for the kitchen in a run and soon I hear the shouting of her name from everyone in there. My family rocks! They’ve all taken to Danie so quickly. I’m reminded again just how fortunate I am to have such a loving and close knit family.

  I walk into the kitchen and lean against the doorway, just taking in all the bustle of activity. Bria looks up from the table, her arms full of my Little Miss. She smiles and my heart beats with love. My girls. “’Bout time you got here.” Pop’s voice causes my eyes to slowly leave my girls and look at him. He gives me a smile and then puts his attention back on Danie. “Come give your grandpop some lovin’.” Danie’s head turns and her smile couldn’t be bigger as she climbs down from Bria and her little feet run around the table and she climbs onto Pops lap. Her little arms wrap around him as his wrap around her little frame. “I missed you the last couple of days. What have you been doing?” He knows she won’t answer her with words but she pulls back and motions with her arms and hands. Suddenly his head turns to me and laughs. “Oh, he did, did he?” By her actions I know she’s telling him that I had to add more money to our cuss jar. He laughs again and I notice the creases of his laugh lines are deeper. He’s not young any more, by any means, but suddenly he looks even older. I’m glad she came into my life when she did. She brings happiness to everyone who is fortunate enough to meet her.

  I watch Ma take over Danie’s small plastic plate, hot pink with various designs, and bend down to Danie’s level. “Would you like to come help me make your plate?” Danie nods eagerly and climbs down off Pops lap. She takes Ma’s hand and walks the few steps to the breakfast bar where all the food is laid out.

  “Hey.”

  I look down and find Bria standing in front of me. I was so lost in my thoughts and watching everything, I didn’t notice her get up from her chair. I grab her wrist and turn around, tugging her into the living room, spinning her and pushing her against the wall. My mouth covers hers. My arms move around her and I suck the breath out of her and into me, selfishly. Fuck, I’ve missed her and it’s only been hours since I last saw her. How did I live without her all my life? What if I’d never met her? Emotions wash over me as my tongue dives into her mouth, tangling with hers.

  Wet.

  Sweet.

  Bria.

  “God, I’ve fucking missed you,” I breathe as I kiss across her cheek and blow into her ear. She shivers, her arms squeezing around me, her fingernails digging into my t-shirt. “We need to move in together. I can’t stand being away from you any longer,” I whisper into her ear then nibble on her lobe. Being flush against her, I can feel her moan rumbling up her chest, her throat and quickly cover her mouth with mine, taking it inside me. My cock hardened at the sight of her and now is pressing against her stomach, aching to be inside her. She bucks against me, trying to find her own friction.

  “Me thinks someone needs to put some money in their cussing jar.”

  The sing-song of Irish’s voice makes me tear my mouth away from Bria’s. I turn my head, resting on the side of Bria’s soft face, and give her a dirty look.

  “Me thinks you need to mind your own fucking business,” I growl. To only have a few minutes h
ere and there with Bria stolen and interrupted, makes my anger flare. I feel a tug on the hem of my shirt and see Irish smile while sticking her tongue out at me. What the fuck? I look down to see Danie pulling on my shirt and I know I’m in trouble. I look over at Bria, who’s having trouble catching her own breath and quickly take a step back. She gives me a sad smile but I know she understands. I lean down and pick up Danie and look into the depths of her brown eyes. “I know. I owe the bad word jar some money.” She nods curtly telling me I’m correct. My brows lower. “Did you finish your breakfast?” She shakes her head slowly. I set her down and playfully swat her little bottom. “Go finish, please.” She giggles as her little legs carry her off and my heart swells. I stand and turn to Bria. “We need some alone time. Soon. I might be going mad.”

  She burst out a laugh. “I know how you feel.” I smile sadly.

  “Why don’t you all go out today, leave Danie here with us. I think she’ll be fine.” Our heads turn and see Pop standing in the doorway. Shit! Did he hear our conversation? He looks down and clears his throat then looks back at us. “I know how young love can be. Add a child into the mix and you’re lucky if you get some alone time while they’re sleeping.” He chuckles. “Then if they have a bad dream or want a drink of water, your alone time becomes extinct real fast.”