“I told you, I was a shit.”
“I’m starting to believe you. So, what eventually calmed you down?”
“I’m not sure it was any one thing, personally. I started up a band.”
“Wait … You guys were in a band? All three of you?”
“…No.”
“Don’t lie! You just said you were in one!”
“I’m going to let that slide, seeing as you’ve had a rough day.”
“But Lucas!”
“How are you feeling?”
“Better now that I know you guys were in a band! Are there videos of you on Youtube?”
“I’ve made a mistake.”
“Oh God! I need to get home and look this shit up!”
“Wait Cavan –”
“Talk to you later Lucas!”
“Oi brat don’t you –”
[CALL DISCONNECTED. DURATION: 1hour, 5minutes and 23 seconds.]
Monday PM
(23:01) Can I ask you a question?
(23:05) Are you fucking kidding me? Radio silence all night and NOW you want to talk?
(23:06) Piss off.
(23:09) Please? It’s an educational question.
(23:15) Go away.
(23:17) Lucas, please?
(23:19) I’m going to ask anyway.
(23:22) So if the biomolecular structure of an atom is stabilised … Does that mean I can find your band on Youtube?
(23:26) Goodbye Cavan.
(23:29) Lucas, I’m just teasing!
~
(23:38) Lucas?
(23:40) Come on, you’re not really mad at me, are you?
~
(00:18) Look I didn’t mean to bug you about it, I just get excited finding out new things about you.
~
(00:39) Okay, I get it.
(00:41) I’m sorry.
~
(1:58) *sigh* Goodnight Lucas.
Chapter 11
Tuesday PM
From Eleanor to Bonnie:
(18:30) Is he still panic-pacing?
(18:34) He’s wearing a hole through my floor.
(18:37) That’s not good. Try and distract him.
(18:40) Jeez, like I haven’t tried, woman!
(18:43) What even happened? When I asked him, he just told me to fuck off and hung-up.
(18:49) His phone has gone off a bunch of times, but he doesn’t reply.
(18:53) It’s a little sad, really. Watching someone being actively anti-social.
(18:59) Let me know if it gets worse and I’ll drive up, okay?
(19:03) Sure, love, I’ll let you know.
(19:06) Thanks Bonbon. G2g, the pups need a walk!
(19:09) Say hi from me!
~0~
“How’s he doing?”
Bonnie looked up from her phone at her boyfriend and shrugged. “He’s spiralling pretty hard.”
“Have you figured out what he’s stressed about?”
“Would you believe me if I told you that he let slip about that band, and now he’s terrified that Cavan will Google him.”
“They’ve met already, why is that such a bad thing?”
Bonnie shrugged again. “You know Lucas. He’s insane about his privacy.”
“So, I guess this means we’re on watch-duty until he snaps out of it.”
“I suppose so.”
“Did you text Eleanor?”
“Yeah, she said she’ll drive up if he spirals even more.”
Fletcher rolled his eyes, “You know that won’t take long.”
“Sadly, yes, I do know.” Bonnie sighed before raking a hand through her hair and turning towards the kitchen. “Okay, I’m going to start on dinner. Take a beer or two in there and bond with your bro.”
Fletcher grimaced. “He’s spiralled for twenty-four hours and now we have to bro-bond again?”
Bonnie glared up at the blonde man, but he was used to her aggressive looks. Opening the door of the fridge, Bonnie grabbed two bottles and shoved them into Fletcher’s hands. “Get in there and get him to open up.”
“What makes you think I can?” Fletcher hissed in a whisper.
“You did it before so I know you can do it again. Now go!”
Fletcher gave her one final, pleading look. She shooed him away and the blonde had no choice but to obey her. Bonnie watched him go and leaned back against the kitchen counter. She needed Lucas drunk otherwise she wouldn’t be able to find out what the hell was wrong with him. Even if he wouldn’t physically speak, she had her ways to get information. Oh yes, she had her ways.
~0~
(19:27) Hey is this Cavan?
(19:36) That depends. What do you want?
(19:40) I don’t know if he’s told you about me. I’m Lucas’s friend Bonnie.
(19:47) How did you get my number?
(19:52) I stole it off his phone.
(19:57) Stealing is wrong you know.
(20:06) Why do you think we became friends? ;D
(20:10) Anyways, I just wanted to know what happened between you guys. He’s been in a bit of a mood the last day or so.
(20:16) Oh … that.
(20:19) He may have let slip that he was in a band and I may have teased him.
(20:22) Ah. That would be it.
(20:26) Is he mad at me?
(20:30) I think he’s more embarrassed to be honest.
(20:37) Embarrassed about what?
(20:41) Being in a band is like, every teenagers dream!
(20:43) Can I talk to him?
(20:50) No, I think it’s best if he has a little down time right now. Hopefully we’ll talk some sense into him. Word of advice; try not to tease him over the phone. He … struggles a little with human interaction. It’s … a blind-spot for him.
(20:54) A blind-spot?
(20:58) In the same way that people can’t understand sarcasm, Lucas can’t always understand other people, especially when they’re getting to know him.
(21:04) I see? So … What should I do?
(21:07) Just give him some time. We’ll talk him round for you.
(21:10) You will?
(21:15) Of course, kid!
(21:18) I appreciate it.
(21:23) It’s okay :) try not to worry about it.
(21:26) Easier said than done. But … Thanks.
Wednesday 3:04 AM
Cavan stared up at the ceiling and let out a long, low sigh. The lamplight from the street pushed against the curtains, illuminating the furniture in his room. Dark shadows in the dimness. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so lost. It didn’t help that Sophie was away probably having the time of her life in Europe. If he felt in a similar way prior to this year, he would have just crept down the hallway to her room. They would have laid in her bed together, just chatting in low voices, maybe even streamed a movie on Netflix and watched it with earphones until they’d fallen asleep.
Now, however, he didn’t have that luxury.
He could text Arthur but there was no guarantee that the blonde boy was even awake at this time.
He felt bad for freaking Lucas out. He hated that his mouth had no filter –this was why he preferred to text! He had more time to erase stupid mistakes if it came to that. It didn’t always work but it did make it easier to censor his idiocy.
‘I’ve really screwed this up,’ he grimaced to himself. ‘Whatever ‘this’ is.’
He didn’t know where to go from here. He hated leaving things in other people’s hands. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Bonnie –even though this was the first time they’d spoken properly –but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed to make some effort from his side.
He didn’t know where to start.
Lucas had facebook, sure, but by the looks of things he didn’t go on it much.
Turning over onto his side, Cavan pulled his phone under the blankets with him and logged onto Facebook. Clicking on Lucas’s name, he took his time to look through all the available photos and informati
on, letting it sear into his brain.
As a teenager, Lucas had been svelte –not scrawny like Cavan had been –but he’d always seemed to have some level of muscle. The circles under his eyes wCavan’t as prominent. Cavan felt his chest tighten. For some reason, thinking of Lucas not being able to sleep was emotionally upheaving.
Cavan could barely function if he didn’t sleep well for three nights.
He couldn’t imagine doing it for as long as the older man claimed.
Cavan couldn’t help but wonder if there was some way he could help the older man sleep. It was hard to think, when he’d barely had the issue himself. When his dad had long nights at work, his mum would always brew him some special tea that would help calm him enough to sleep.
Maybe the same would work for Lucas?
Readjusting his position, he looked at the one photo of Lucas when he was smiling –or as close to a smile as Lucas was sure to get; he was sitting astride a beaten up old motorcycle in the sun, shades on his nose with a tall blonde man –Cavan assumed it was either Milo or Fletcher –astride another bike. Cavan looked at the bike and wondered if Lucas knew how to fix it. Images of Lucas streaked with motor-oil and taking his shirt of flitted through his mind and he dropped his phone, plunging his room into darkness.
Did he … Have a crush on Lucas?
Well that much was obvious considering how he acted around the older man, but even so. He was a ‘kid’ to him, and Cavan was fully aware that if Lucas hadn’t been a relationship in five years, chances were he didn’t want to be in one. The thought left Cavan’s insides feeling heavy and hollow at the same time.
Did it really bother him that much?
So what if he was never ‘with’ Lucas, he’d still have the man as a friend and that was pretty amazing on its own. To be accepted so easily into Lucas’s small social group was already an impressive feat and it did make Cavan feel better about himself. Where so many of his current friends had issues with how he acted at times, or the way he phrased things, Lucas seemed to take it all in stride.
‘He’s amazing!’
It wasn’t a new thought to Cavan, either. With each passing week, there was another layer of Lucas to unfold and admire. He had accomplished so much already and Cavan still felt as though he were floundering about, not one hundred percent sure where his life was going.
Reaching down the side of his bed, Cavan fumbled blindly until his fingers touched the cold metal of his phone. He touched the screen and grimaced at the time.
3:49AM.
He really should sleep.
Tucked under his duvet covers, he stared at his screensaver –the photo of him and Lucas at the aquarium –before falling asleep.
5:28AM
Lucas leaned against the railing of his balcony, staring out across the skyline. There was a chill in the air. He’d wrapped himself up in a hoodie, but he was still only wearing some cotton bottoms, which didn’t provide too much warmth. Taking another drag from his cigarette he winced at the sour taste. It never did taste right this early in the morning, but he needed something to settle his nerves.
It had been a long evening of sucking beers and listening to Fletcher and Bonnie’s advice on how to move-on from his anxiety attack. He hated the term, but that was more or less what they were. Even if they looked like angry bitch-fits to the rest of the world, Fletcher and Bonnie knew him too well to know the signs.
He had panicked.
Bracing himself against another breeze, Lucas glared out over at the houses stretched out before him. Barely any lights were on at this time of the morning. The city was silent enough, save for the chirping of birds.
It wasn’t peaceful.
It was white-noise.
In his current state that’s all anything ever was to him.
Bonnie had managed to calm his mind somewhat, although the niggling sensation didn’t leave. He toyed with his lip, the cigarette fizzling as he took another drag. At the heart of his problems he knew why he was feeling anxious. He was scared that he was getting too attached to Cavan. A part of Lucas couldn’t help himself –the kid just made everything seem to easy –but at the same time, he was anxious about letting Cavan get too close to him.
He hadn’t been with another person for over five years.
The last time he had been with someone it had never gotten serious. Not because his lover hadn’t wanted to, but because Lucas had turned cold at the idea of someone moving into his personal, clean, organized space. In the end, Lucas decided that he was never meant to be someone’s ‘other half’. For the most part it didn’t affect him; he liked his life as it was. However, there were quiet moments –moments like right then as the sky lightened overhead –where he didn’t mind the idea of someone waking up to find his side of the bed to be cold.
Or to come out wondering where he was, bleary-eyed from sleep.
To wrap their arms around him and coax him back to bed.
No –there would always be the quiet moments where he longed for someone to want him.
A dull ache bloomed behind his eyes. With a groan, he stubbed out his cigarette and flicked the butt over the balcony railing. He needed to get ready for work. At least now that he was up extra early, he could take his time getting ready and maybe even have some proper breakfast for a change.
~0~
Thursday PM
(22:48) I think we need to talk.
(22:57) It’s been a week.
(22:59) Why do you think I want to talk to you?
(23:08) I need to explain myself. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did.
(23:14) No. You shouldn’t have.
(23:16) And over the mention of you being in a band, no less.
(23:19) You realised that I actually thought that was pretty cool, right? I can’t wrap my head round your fucking reaction and now you want to talk like it’s going to be OKAY?!
(23:25) You have every right to be upset with me. I’m upset with myself, for having put you through this.
(23:29) FFS Lucas you told me about a shit childhood and detention centres and being SHOT –but a band is too much for you to share?!
(23:32) That’s not why I … behaved the way I did.
(23:37) So explain it to me. Why did you act that way?
(23:41) I got … nervous that you were getting too attached to me.
(23:47) WHY is that SUCH A BAD THING?! FFS Lucas I LIKE YOU, okay? Whether you can understand why or not, doesn’t matter, I LIKE YOU. You’re a good man! You’ve proven that time and time again! Even if I only have GLIMPSES to go on, get it through your head!
(23:52) Cavan, I don’t get on with people. I don’t like people. This is … alien for me.
(23:54) WHY?!
(23:59) Because I like your company, brat! You make me smile, you’re fun to poke fun at, your reactions are fucking adorable and –despite myself –I. LIKE. YOU.
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