Hot Mess_Bridget Jones for a new generation

by Lucy Vine

  I turn back to Sophie, who’s explaining in detail the plan to redecorate her house again this autumn. She hasn’t once today mentioned my love life, and I am forever grateful. But it’s also slightly annoying timing that she finally climbed off my back about dating, just as I could actually really do with her advice on Josh.

  I’ve not been back to TS yet to face him. He thought I was in L.A. for the whole week so I figured I’d stay at Dad’s and mull things over. He’s the last leftover confrontation I need to have, but I still don’t know what I want to say. I need Sophie’s advice.

  ‘Hey, I need to talk to you about something,’ I say, cutting her off and checking around for any eavesdroppers. Thomas is chatting to Dad and Jen is watching the TV with Milly.

  I clear my throat. ‘I accidentally slept with Josh a couple of weeks ago and now he kind of says he likes me and wants us to go out together.’

  ‘WHAT?’ she says, exploding. ‘How could you not tell me this already? What is wrong with you? Cunt Josh? What did you say? When did you have sex? Was it good sex? He’s so hot, what was it like? Did you have sex to the left, like you always do? Are you going to say yes?’

  ‘Shush, shush, shush, shush,’ I say, panicked, but Jen has already stood up to join us.

  ‘What’s going on?’ she demands, aggressively.

  ‘Ellie’s flatmate is in love with her and wants to be her boyfriend!’ says Sophie, a little too enthusiastically. Dad looks over, a worried look on his face. Thomas looks away.

  ‘Is he good-looking?’ says Jen, turning on me. ‘Do you love him? Is he The One? And do you really always have sex to the left?’

  ‘Those questions, seconded,’ says Sophie, pointing at Jen’s face. Finally they agree on something.

  ‘There’s no such thing as The One,’ I say mildly. ‘And I don’t know what I’m going to say yet. I don’t even know if I like him as a person, never mind as a potential boyfriend.’ I look at Sophie. ‘When did you know New Ryan was the guy for you?’

  Sophie looks thoughtful, and I add seriously, ‘Was it when you saw his big house?’

  She giggles, nodding. ‘Yes, it was when I first saw Pemberley. Actually, no, it was when we started dating, and I felt OK about pooing at his house almost immediately.’

  ‘That is very romantic,’ I say.

  ‘I know it is.’ She giggles again. ‘I’ve never been able to do that at a boy’s place before, but New Ryan made me feel so comfortable and safe, straightaway. Like I could always be myself and he would never judge me. I knew then.’

  Next to us, Jen rolls her eyes. ‘Oh whatever. I pooed at the dentist’s yesterday. What’s the big deal?’

  Sophie and I applaud.

  On the other side of the room, Dad clears his throat. This means he has a speech to make. He looks very nice today, in a smart new checked shirt and dark jeans. Jen and him went into London yesterday, where he says she made him buy lots of things from ‘The Topmens’.

  ‘Lenny, Jenny,’ he starts.

  Why is Jenny included in this? I think sulkily, it’s my birthday.

  ‘You know I love you both very much.’

  Here we go. Jen and I glance at each other.

  ‘And I’m very proud of you.’

  I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

  ‘And I know you’ve been wondering why you haven’t had any of the latest instalments of 75 Hues of Tony to read lately.’

  Jen and I exchange another look. We’d forgotten it existed. To be honest, I’ve stopped checking my Gmail so much lately in protest over HungryHouse’s constant shaming emails asking how my recent massive takeaway was.

  Dad goes on. ‘Well, the reason for that is, well, how do I say this? I’m in love.’

  He beams at us. I gape back at him, while Jen grimaces.

  ‘Old people love,’ she shrieks. ‘Disgusting.’

  Dad is looking at me, expectantly.

  ‘Er,’ I try, ‘Dad, that’s wonderful. Um, who is the lucky lady? Can we meet her? It’s not the teabagging woman, is it? You can do better than that.’

  ‘No, no,’ he says waving a hand. ‘Actually, well, it’s . . . Candice from next door.’

  WHAT. Candice? CANDICE?

  But what about Peter?

  BUT WHAT ABOUT PETER?

  ‘But,’ I say aghast, ‘what about Peter??’

  ‘Peter?’ Dad says, looking perplexed.

  ‘Er, Candice’s husband?’ I say, my brow furrowed. Please tell me my lovely dad isn’t having an affair. Imagine the scandal in the town. ‘Are they getting divorced?’

  ‘Peter?’ he says again, and then his face clears. ‘Oh, oh no. No, no, Ellie. Peter is Candice’s dog. Peter is a dachschund.’ Sophie and Thomas burst out laughing.

  ‘What?’ I am totally thrown. ‘No, no, he can’t be. You say they’re a married couple all the time, don’t you?’

  Dad shakes his head. ‘I don’t think I’d do that, darling. He’s a dog.’

  I scan back in my head through all the times he’s talked about visiting Candice and Peter, about Candice and Peter coming over for dinner, about going out for walks with Candice and Peter.

  ‘Wait,’ I say. ‘What about when you kept going on about how affectionate Peter is with her?’

  ‘Well.’ Dad rubs his eyes, glancing at Sophie and Thomas who are leaning on each other and gasping for air. ‘He is very affectionate with her. He’s always cuddling up on Candice’s lap and licking her. He does it with me now too.’ He pauses. ‘What did you think I meant this morning when I said Peter keeps licking my face?’

  Oh right, yeah, I did think that was weird.

  ‘OK, so there’s really no husband?’ I say feebly.

  Dad laughs, kindly. ‘No, darling, there’s no husband. She was married a long time ago, but she’s been divorced for about four years now. And I . . . ’ he smiles coyly around the room again ‘ . . . have fallen completely in love with her.’

  He looks into the distance in the direction of her house, like he’s trying to see her through the walls. When he speaks again, his voice is dreamy. ‘She’s so sweet and loving. And so thoughtful. She makes me laugh, and she knows all about the internet. It’s really very impressive, she taught me about attaching things to emails, and colour printing.’

  ‘Well, that’s me sold,’ says Jen, standing up. ‘Does she know? Have you told her how you feel?’

  Dad’s face turns red. ‘No, not yet. I want to, I really want to, I’m just . . . I wanted to tell you two first – see what you thought – and then speak to her.’

  Jen strides towards the door. ‘No time like the present, Dad. Let’s go over there right now and get this locked down. I want to meet this Steve Jobs-type internet overlord.’

  I’m still sitting on the sofa, shell-shocked, and Dad looks at me anxiously. ‘Are you OK with this, Ellie?’

  Am I OK with this? I prod myself. Actually . . . yeah I really bloody am. I haven’t seen Dad so happy and excited about anything in so long. So she bakes really terrible cakes, I’ve had worse things in my mouth (see: my night with Josh). And so what if she seems really obsessed with colour printing everything? Dad obviously likes all that. He deserves all the happiness in the world, and if he’s met someone who gives him that – well then, yeah, I’m bloody well OK with this!

  I stand up. ‘Too right I am.’ I grin at him. ‘You have to go tell her, right now!’

  He quivers a bit and then straightens up, nodding determinedly.

  ‘Let’s do it!’ He follows Jen to the front door, matching her confident stride. He glances back into the room. ‘Come on, Lenny and Milly. And you, Sophie and Thomas, you come too! You’re all family, and I want you there.’ We cheer happily and follow him to the door, ready to watch my dad tell the woman he loves how he feels.

  Is this weird? It’s probably weird, but who cares, right?

  The entourage files out the front door, chatting excitedly, and march their way down the front path and up to Candice’s. We’re all bu
zzing – I can’t remember the last time I felt so excited and scared. Please let her say she loves him, too. Please, please. I glance at Dad. He looks thrilled by all this. He thinks he’s in an episode of Neighbours. I’m the only one who seems nervous.

  We reach the door and Jen – who’s always first to arrive anywhere – thumps aggressively, three times. Thomas nudges my dad up to the front of the group and we all gather round him, expectantly.

  As the door opens, we all hold our breath.

  The lady standing framed in the doorway is like a mirror image of my dad. Small, round, about the same age, with a lovely face – they could be a lesbian couple, or lesbian twins even.

  I shake my head to erase the Pornhub search term (banked for later), focusing on the adorable confusion on her Angela Lansbury-esque face.

  ‘Alan?’ she says, nervously, and a dog – Peter, presumably, God I’m an idiot – joins her at the door, tail wagging and nose sniffing the air.

  ‘Hello, Candice,’ Dad says, suddenly looking awfully pale. I hope he’s not going to faint. ‘And hello to you too, Peter,’ he says, bending down to pat the dog, who licks him affectionately and then buries his face in Dad’s crotch. ‘Sorry to barge in on you like this,’ says Dad, anxiously glancing round at all of us who are watching him expectantly. Dad is, no doubt, suddenly realising that bringing a gang of people to watch this moment might not have been ideal.

  He swallows and turns back to Candice. ‘I wanted you to meet my family.’

  She smiles, and it is the absolute loveliest. Dad’s right, I can see already that she’s one of those people who radiates warmth.

  ‘Oh my goodness, how lovely,’ she exclaims. ‘Please come in, everyone!’

  But we don’t move and Dad is frozen to the spot. ‘Before we come in . . . ’ He clears his throat again, and we all fall silent, glancing furtively at each other. ‘Candice, there is something I have to tell you.’

  She looks alarmed and I suppress a giggle.

  We all collectively inhale. Here it comes. Will he do it? Come on, Dad!

  ‘I love you, Candice,’ he blurts out, and I clutch my chest, my heart singing. ‘I love you very, very much. And I don’t know if you feel the same, or could ever feel the same, but I had to tell you. I’ve wanted to tell you for quite a while now, because you are the kindest, nicest woman in the world, Candice. I—’

  Candice steps out onto the mat beside him in one smooth motion, and reaches up with her finger to shush him. She smiles now, shyly, as she whispers, ‘Alan, I love you too. I think you’re completely wonderful.’

  Then they kiss.

  And it is gross. Sorry to ruin the romance, but it is really gross.

  Jen loudly dry retches, Milly shrieks and I turn away, pretending to check my phone. Sophie covers her eyes and Thomas snorts.

  But they keep kissing, really badly. It’s like they’ve forgotten we’re even here.

  After a couple of minutes, they finally stop, and a very red-faced Candice beckons to all of us to follow her into an extraordinarily orange living-room. We make ourselves at home – Jen and Milly immediately start picking up and examining the various dog-themed knick-knacks lining every surface. Candice kisses each of us warmly and even manages not to look too baffled when Dad introduces ‘Lenny’s friends, Sophie and Thomas, who also wanted to meet you.’

  ‘Can I get anyone a cup of tea?’ she offers, and Dad jumps up to help. They look at each other like love sick puppies and Candice offers her hand for him to hold. He takes it.

  They don’t come back for fifteen minutes, by which point we’re all too sickened by what they might’ve been doing to drink the tea.

  Back at Dad’s with Candice in tow, we’re starting to get drunk when Jen takes me away and up to her room. There, she presents me with a dress.

  ‘It’s your birthday present – to wear tonight,’ she says. I pick it up, admiring the soft fabric. It’s beautiful. Midnight dark blue, knee length, it’s cut perfectly to fit my shape. And when I try it on and twirl in front of the mirror, I feel like Ella Enchanted. I look completely amazing. Behind me in the mirror Jen fiddles with my hair. ‘And you should wear your hair up, like this. I’ll do it for you if you like?’ she says, and I smile at her, nodding. I am so relieved to see her back to herself. It’s like she was holding her breath for a year and has finally let it go. That tan is starting to fade, but the pink is returning to her cheeks. And I think maybe she’s already put on a bit of weight (although I will not be telling her that). She looks much better on a diet of Dad’s carb-heavy food and Candice’s baking (interestingly, Jen says she actually likes the weird cakes).

  It’s hard to tell if this change in her is because things are back on track with Andrew, or because she’s away from him. I’m not even sure she knows. She’s going back to L.A. in a few days, so I guess we’ll find out.

  ‘Thanks so much, Jen, I love it,’ I say, holding her hand.

  She squeezes it back, ‘Thank you, Ellie,’ she replies quietly.

  Alan the Giant spots us immediately as we arrive at the bar a few hours later, and shouts for us to come straight in. The teenagers in the queue tut at the strange group, consisting of me, Jen, Dad, Sophie, Thomas – and the last minute addition, at my insistence, Dad’s new girlfriend (Aunt Susie got lumbered with Milly at home) – all filing past them and straight into the bar. I think about the last time I was here, with just Dad on my arm, and how much has changed.

  Inside, an overexcited Liza hands us Cosmopolitans and directs us to a booth where several familiar faces are waiting. Oh my God, I hadn’t expected this.

  Maddie’s here with her new boyfriend, Zack. He’s tall, with a lovely open face, and he doesn’t let go of Maddie’s hand even once as she introduces us.

  ‘It’s so great to meet you,’ he says enthusiastically. ‘If it wasn’t for you getting Maddie on that dating app, we’d never have met and fallen in love.’ He looks down at Madds, who is gazing up at him, wide-eyed. ‘Thank you so much,’ he adds, warmly.

  ‘Look who else came,’ says Maddie, nodding behind me. I turn around.

  Ugh, Rich? Rich is here? He waves happily from across the booth, and shouts, ‘Happy birthday, Ellie, haha!’

  At least we brought Pringles. That should keep him occupied for most of the night. And holy fuck – is that my loo twin Nick here too? Is he . . . is he slow dancing with URSULA? Oh Jesus. I have to delete Facebook.

  Two more people come over to say hi. It’s Lois and Zoe from our last visit to this place. ‘We saw your sister’s post on Facebook,’ says Lois. ‘We were in the neighbourhood, so we thought we’d pop along. Is that OK?’

  ‘Of course it is,’ I say, hugging each of them.

  Lois holds up her right hand. ‘We made it official!’ she says, wiggling the big silver band and squeezing Zoe, who smiles and rolls her eyes lovingly.

  ‘I gave in,’ she says, by way of explanation.

  And there’s Josh.

  Josh is here.

  We make eye contact across the group and he raises a jam jar cocktail at me, smiling.

  I should go speak to him, I’ve left him waiting for long enough.

  But then suddenly someone else is hugging me. Some weird, random girl is clinging on to me – what the hell? ‘Oh my God, Ellie, happy birthday my gorgeous darling girl,’ she squeals affectionately. Who is this? Why is she pretending to know me? She’s still hugging me, pinning my arms to my sides as she whispers emotionally in my ear how happy she is to be here with me. ‘I got the night off specially,’ she adds.

  Josh wanders over.

  ‘All the flatmates here together at last,’ he says smiling at us both.

  Flatmates?

  ‘Gemma?’ I say out loud, gaping at this total stranger.

  ‘Yes, sweetie?’ she says, letting me go, but looping her arm through mine, familiarly. This is our third flatmate, Gemma. The one I’ve only seen once from the back. The one I wasn’t even sure really existed. So she definitely exists,
because she’s here. Wow.

  ‘Er, just really happy you made it,’ I say to her, grinning at Josh, who is trying not to laugh.

  I clear my throat and look at him. ‘Can I talk to you for a minute, Josh?’

  A shadow crosses his face, but he keeps smiling.

  ‘Sure. Gemma? Can we have two minutes?’

  ‘Oh my goodness, of course!’ she squeals, waving her arms. ‘Don’t you two worry about me! I’ll go see how Sophie and Thomas are. Oh, and I’m so thrilled Alan could make it too, Ellie. He looks so cute with Candice, I’m so glad that all worked out.’

  She wanders off in the direction of my dad, shouting, ‘Alan? Alan, how are you, sweetie?’

  Josh and I look at each other and burst out laughing.

  ‘Strange world,’ I say, and he nods, scratching his head. ‘So, Josh,’ I start, ‘I know this is a bit out of nowhere, but I’m going to be moving out soon.’

  ‘What?’ he looks shocked.

  ‘My old place has sold at last,’ I explain. ‘The money’s coming through in the next couple of months, so I’ll be looking for somewhere else as soon as possible. I’m giving you a month’s notice to find someone else, I hope that’s OK?’

  ‘But it’ll take you ages to find somewhere – especially if you’re buying,’ he says, panicked.

  ‘Yeah, but I’m going to stay with my dad for a couple of months. He’s met someone, so it looks like I’ll mostly have the place to myself.’

  He nods, flummoxed.

  ‘And what about you and me?’ he asks at last. ‘If we’re not living together any more, it won’t be such a complicated situation. Have you decided if you’re willing to give me – this – a shot?’

  The question hangs in the air and for a minute I just look at his face, searching for something. He’s so sincere and vulnerable looking. So ridiculously pretty.

  But I know it’s not what I want.

  ‘I’m really sorry, Josh,’ I say. ‘I can’t. It’s not the right thing for me, I just don’t feel that way about you.’