Hot Mess_Bridget Jones for a new generation

by Lucy Vine

  He sighs, defeated, but he’s already nodding. He knew this was coming. I reach for him and we hug for a bit.

  ‘I am sorry, Josh,’ I say again. ‘You know you’re so ridiculously hot.’

  ‘Oh don’t you worry about me, babe,’ he says, pulling away. ‘It was just meant to be a pity bang when you were upset, after all. I will be fine, got loads of chicks knocking down my door.’

  I snort at his bravado. Typical.

  ‘Sure, sure, I know,’ I say nodding. ‘I know what you mean, being single is the best. I love it.’

  It’s his turn to snort. ‘Yeah, right,’ he says. ‘We both know you’re going to immediately start dating your friend Thomas. It’s so obvious. This couldn’t have worked out better for you guys. He’s a great bloke, you’ve been friends for ever. It’s always how these things pan out.’

  I laugh. Oh my God, no. Hearing it out loud like that, I realise how much I so do not love Thomas White. I mean, OF COURSE I DON’T. Yuck! He’s my best friend, I love him as a friend, but absolutely nothing more. Not at all.

  I think all this pressure I’ve had from everyone to find a boyfriend made me temporarily think maybe I should fancy him, but I really, really don’t. I shudder at the very idea of kissing him. It’s almost as disgusting as watching Dad and Candice go at it. Which, yep, they are doing again right now on the dance floor.

  ‘Actually, Josh,’ I shake my head. ‘That’s not true. I don’t feel that way about Thomas at all.’

  ‘Of course you do,’ says Josh scornfully. ‘You’ve left him hanging on, waiting for you to say the word for years. If you really didn’t love him, you would’ve told him ages ago that it wasn’t going to happen.’

  Shit, he’s right. I mean, he’s wrong about my feelings – I know now for sure me and Thomas will never happen – but he is right that I’ve left him hanging on. I’ve been really selfish. I was scared Thomas might not want to be my friend if I confronted the situation. What if he’s only part of the trio because he thinks I might love him back one day?

  I have to tell him.

  ‘OK, Josh,’ I say with determination. ‘I’ll go speak to him now. Tell him we’ll never be a thing.’

  Josh smirks. ‘Best of luck. I’m off to get off with that pair of tits over there.’ He pats me on the head and stalks off in the direction of a blonde girl by the bar. Good old Cunt Josh.

  Scanning the room, I spot Thomas in a booth on his own, checking his phone. Here we go. This one is going to be tough. I know Josh will bounce back – oh, look at that, he’s bouncing right into that girl already – but Thomas has always loved me. Like always. This is going to be brutal. I don’t want to lose him, but it’s time to be a grown-up. If he’s ever going to meet someone else and fall in love with someone who will reciprocate that feeling, he needs to know that I’m not a possibility. He needs to let go of this.

  ‘Thomas White, my old friend, can I sit?’ I ask pointing at the pile of coats next to him.

  He looks up, surprised. ‘Hey, birthday girl! Saw you getting cosy with Josh over there, how’s that going?’ he says, moving the coats out of the way and avoiding my eye.

  ‘Oh!’ I say. ‘God no, that’s one hundred per cent not happening. We’re just friends. I told him I’m not interested. He’s fine about it.’ I glance over at Josh and the girl he took three whole minutes to be fine with.

  I take a deep breath. ‘Listen, Thomas, as you know – as you’ve pointed out to me – I’ve never been too great at expressing my feelings or talking things through. But I’m trying to change that.’

  Thomas looks bemused. ‘Right, I’m glad, Ellie. But don’t change too much though, eh? You’re great as you are.’

  Erk. I bob my head awkwardly and go on. ‘So I want us to talk about the . . . feelings here . . . ’ I gesture at the space between us and Thomas turns pale.

  Shit. He looks terrified. He wasn’t expecting me to bring this up here and now. Why am I bringing it up? Fifteen years later? Why now? Oh God. Well, too late to go back now.

  I cough. ‘So, er, I wanted to clear the air, so that we could all move on and know where we stand. Give us both the chance to be happy.’

  He nods, resigned. I think he knows what I’ve come over to say. I think he knows in his heart that I don’t feel the same way about him.

  We look at each other for a second. ‘I guess you’re right, we should talk about it,’ he says, looking pained. Oh, this is miserable. He takes a deep breath and goes on, ‘I know you’ve loved me for a long time, Ellie, and I—’

  ‘Wait, what?’ I interrupt. ‘I’ve loved you?’

  Thomas sighs again, and puts his hand on my arm, comfortingly. ‘I know, Ellie. You don’t need to say it. And I’m so sorry, I’ve tried to be careful with your feelings. I never wanted to hurt you. I’ve tried to return those feelings too, I’ve tried so hard over the years to love you back like that, but I just can’t. I’ve never been able to think of you that way. You’re like a sister to me. I love you, Ellie, but I never have and never could love you in any romantic sense.’

  My head is spinning. What is happening here?

  ‘No wait, Thomas, wait,’ I say impatiently. ‘You’ve got this wrong. I don’t love you – you love me. You’ve always loved me.’

  He snorts. ‘I have not!’ he says. ‘You’ve always loved me. You’re always looking at me all sad eyes whenever stuff about your love life or dating comes up.’

  ‘Yes,’ I explode. ‘Because I was worried you’d be upset because YOU LOVE ME.’

  ‘No I don’t!’ he says again, looking bemused. ‘In fact, I’ve wanted to talk to you about this situation for a few weeks now, because I’ve been going out with someone for a month or so, and it’s getting serious. I didn’t want you to find out from someone else and be upset.’

  WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE. My whole world view tilts. Thomas has never been in love with me? But, but, but . . . what?

  ‘You’ve never been in love with me?’ I say again slowly.

  ‘That is very correct,’ he confirms. ‘Not even close.’

  ‘And I’ve never been in love with you,’ I say. ‘So neither of us has ever been in love with the other?’

  We look at each other for another second and then both burst out laughing.

  ‘We’re so stupid,’ Thomas says in between fits of giggles.

  ‘We probably should’ve had this chat a while ago,’ I say, wiping my eyes. ‘Of course the trio has never been anything more than mates.’

  ‘Hmm,’ he says mischievously. ‘Since we’re being totally honest, I did have quite the crush on Soph for a while, when we were teenagers.’

  I whack him with my handbag and we start laughing again.

  When we finally stop laughing, we hug and I ask, ‘So who is this girl you’ve been dating? Get her down here tonight! I want to meet her!’

  He pauses. ‘Actually, Ellie, you kind of know her.’

  I what? I glance round the room. Most of the people I know are here.

  ‘Oh my God, Thomas,’ I say. ‘Are you seeing Ursula?’

  His turn to whack me. ‘No, but if you meant it, I will invite her down here now. I was just texting her.’

  ‘But who is she?’ I say again, mystified.

  ‘Her name is Cassie,’ he says, searching my face.

  Cassie? Cassie? Who is . . .

  Oh my God!

  That date!

  That Valentine’s Day date! The lovely, lovely barmaid who’d just been dumped. Was that really only a couple of months ago?

  ‘CASSIE!’ I shriek.

  Thomas laughs. ‘Yep. I had to see the gold-plated moose head for myself, so I went in that bar one night with some work mates. I recognised Cassie from your description and we got talking. She’s pretty great. I really, really like her.’ He smiles bashfully.

  ‘This is the best news ever!’ I say happily. ‘I can totally take credit for this relationship. I practically introduced you. I will make a speech at your wedding.’<
br />
  Thomas grins and we hug again.

  ‘I’m so excited for you,’ I say. ‘And I’m so glad you’re not in love with me.’

  ‘I’m so glad you’re not in love with me either,’ he laughs again.

  ‘Phew! Right, I’m going to get another drink,’ I say, standing up. ‘Cassie is brilliant, Thomas, I thoroughly approve. Get her down here right now! Tell her to bring Nutella and plastic forks.’

  I dance away, floating on happiness. I LOVE being thirty! Everyone is right, thirty is the new twenty. I finally feel like I’m getting my shit together, and I’m adult (sort of) enough to appreciate it.

  As the night ticks on, I look round the room at the contented, drunk group around me. Dad and Candice are snogging again, which is still the grossest thing you can imagine, but it’s also lovely, I suppose. Psychic Sharon turned up about an hour ago, claiming not to have seen the Facebook post and insisting she simply ‘sensed’ that All Bar One was where she should be tonight. She bullied Alan the Giant into letting her in, and now she’s in the loos, ostensibly doing her make-up, but really, persuading drunk girls to let her read their palms. For money. She and Jen nearly came to blows earlier over Psychic Sharon’s reading for her, and Psychic Sharon then predicted that Jen is a ‘cow’, but if they stay out of each other’s way for the rest of the night, it should be fine. Over in the corner, Josh is already over me, and also over the earlier blonde tits too by the looks of things. He’s now directing his weaponised testosterone towards the lovely barmaid, Liza. Cassie has just arrived, and after much reunion hugging, her and Thomas are goo-goo-eyeing each other in the booth. Even loo-twin Nick seems to be having a good time, trying fruitlessly to seduce Ursula.

  Everyone is happy. But – I realise – no one more than me. A few minutes ago, I finally deleted Tinder, and I can’t tell you how good it felt. The truth is, I’m genuinely, really, honestly, deliriously happy being single. It’s taken me a while to understand that, but I am. I love it. Having a boyfriend feels like wearing a coat all the time. Like a big oppressive coat. Sometimes you’re cold and it’s nice to have it on – especially in the winter – but mostly I just feel sweaty and claustrophobic in it. And, as my mum always said, keeping your coat on all the time means I won’t feel the benefit when I go outside.

  I think my mum would want me to wear lots of different slaggy coats at lots of different times.

  Being single means I can just be me. I want to be selfish and have adventures and be just like plane lady Bella. I want to work hard and challenge myself with my painting. It might not be the path most people would choose for themselves – or even the path most people would choose for me – but being on my own is what I need. In the same way as I don’t feel ready to give over my whole self to a child, I don’t feel ready to give myself to a man either. I’m happy to give bits of myself to many different men (winky face), but just one all the time is too much for me. Maybe one day that will change, but for now, these people here around me tonight are all I need to be violently happy. Fuck relationships, I think, as I go join Jen on the dance floor.

  From: Alan Knight

 

  To: Eleanor.knight@gmail.com, Jennifer.seevy@hotmail.com

  21 April

  Alan Knight

  106 Castle Rise

  Judfield

  East Sussex

  TN22 5UN

  Dear Eleanor and Jennifer,

  I hope you are both well.

  Sorry again for the delay, as explained, I have been rather “caught up” with my new romance! L.O.L. But you will be pleased to hear I have finally finished my “novel”. Although Candice says it’s probably not a “novel” exactly, more of a “short story”, which is quite exciting. Maybe it will become a TV series? Just to warn you, I’m afraid I’ve had to change my character’s name from Tony Braxton. Candice’s ex-husband was called “Tony” and I realised I don’t like that name at all. So we had a “brainstorm” and I’m renaming my “hero” Duncan James. Candice said it had a “nice ring” to it. What do you think?

  Jenny – I hope you are all settled back in L.A. I miss you already. I’ve been recording all the episodes of “Neighbours” you’ve missed and will post them to you on VHS once a week, so you don’t “miss out”.

  Lenny – thank you again from me and Candice for inviting us to your party last week. We had such a nice time and cannot believe how late we stayed up! We both said it was really good fun, although we weren’t too sure about your friend “Rich”. He ate all our Pringles and was a bit “annoying”.

  Love you both so much and we’re very proud of you.

  Best wishes,

  Dad and Candice

  75 HUES OF DUNCAN

  A short story, by Alan Bernard Knight

  Duncan James has barely slept in days. He cannot stop thinking about Svetlana and the offer she had made him just after their very arousing kissing at B&Q the other day. The contract Lana had mentioned arrived very efficiently by recorded delivery the day after the arousing kissing at B&Q, as well as his new private jet which he had nowhere to park so it’s currently on his front lawn but none of the neighbours seem to mind.

  For the most part, the contract Lana wants him to sign is a very standard-issue contract. He had his BT customers sign something very similar back in his BT days, but there were far fewer sex clauses. Duncan understands contracts very, very well and Lana’s contract says that Duncan will belong to Svetlana forever and ever and ever. It says he must tell everyone at the Book Club that she is Duncan’s girlfriend and that he has really a lot of really excellent intercourse with her which he knows he could do really very easily because he’s had a lot of compliments on his intercourse. But here is the most shocking part of the contract: it says that he must never see his neighbour Wanda again!!

  Duncan cannot deny he is upset by this part of the contract because Wanda is his very good friend, and in the very long time since Anita left last Tuesday, she has become a very supportive ally and is helpful with dinners, especially nut roast and chicken. Could he really sacrifice that friendship for Svetlana?? On the other hand, Svetlana is so very, very good-looking and that is very alluring.

  It is an almost impossible decision to make for Duncan James which is why he has barely slept in days as previously mentioned. Svetlana has also been calling a lot to ask when Duncan might make up his mind which is very difficult with so much going on and she has just this second put a deadline on the contract signing for TOMORROW which has really worried Duncan because he still doesn’t know what to do. He decides to ask his new live-in butler, Cartwright, for advice. Cartwright is another gift that Svetlana sent him the other day, which is an extra thing Duncan has to worry about because he’s never had a butler before, having been incredibly self-sufficient right from the moment he was born.

  ‘Cartwright?’ says Duncan impressively. ‘Do you think I should sign the sex contract with Svetlana?’

  Cartwright looks a bit surprised to be consulted on such an important matter when it is clear that Duncan can solve any problem himself, but he is really professional and says, ‘Well, sir, it sounds like it might be fun for you. Svetlana is a pretty lady and you are a very attractive man. I don’t see why not. You seem like a man who could handle a sex contract because you are so strong and manly.’

  Duncan suspects Cartwright has a crush on him. He has caught him looking at his calves a number of times.

  Logistically, Duncan can see the appeal of signing this contract. He would have a beautiful, rich girlfriend who would give him lots and lots of things, including maybe a place to store his private jet because it’s really getting in the way out on the front lawn even though his front lawn is massive. But there is something stopping him from signing it.

  Duncan decides to go and see Wanda next door – possibly for the very final time!! – to ask her advice because really Cartwright just said nonsense and wasn’t very helpful at all and Duncan thinks maybe Cartwright
was distracted by lust.

  Wanda is very pleased to see Duncan and compliments him on his calves.

  ‘Your calves are very nice today,’ she says. Duncan realises Svetlana has never even mentioned his calves. Does she really care about him at all?

  ‘Hello Wanda,’ says Duncan sensually. ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m very well thank you,’ says Wanda, clearly turned on. And then suddenly they are kissing!! Duncan cannot believe this because it definitely wasn’t what he came over for. He just wanted the tea and three Custard Creams that Wanda always gives him.

  The kissing is really lovely and Duncan is excellent at it. It might be the best kiss Wanda has ever had, and even though it doesn’t have the B&Q fire that he had with Svetlana, Duncan realises it is a really lovely kiss for him too. He realises that Svetlana was right to be suspicious of Wanda because there IS something between them. After they’ve had their kiss and a cup of PG Tips tea and those three Custard Creams, Duncan explains about the sex contract and Wanda nods really sympathetically because she understands this kind of thing must happen to Duncan all the time.

  And then she tells him, ‘Duncan, I understand this must happen to you all the time, but know that I am in love with you as well as Svetlana. I have been in love with you for a really long time, ever since Anita left you last Tuesday. I know I cannot offer you the B&Q fire that Svetlana does but I am a nice person, and I will cook nut roast and chicken for you in the way you specifically like on nut roast and chicken night. I also won’t make you sign a contract.’

  It is a compelling offer and they start snogging again. When they’ve finished, Duncan tells Wanda he needs to think and he goes home again to think and this time he doesn’t ask Cartwright for advice, he just goes straight to bed.