Hot Mess_Bridget Jones for a new generation

by Lucy Vine

  He has a lot to think about.

  Yes, Svetlana can offer him everything and he has never felt such sexual tension that could fill a whole village hall but he suspects very insightfully that she is also a bit mad. Wanda is not as exciting but she is really nice and she isn’t a bit mad. It’s such an impossible choice, he thinks as he finally drifts off to sleep.

  The next day Duncan is awoken by a loud whirring noise and a helicopter landing next to his private jet on the front lawn. It is a really big front lawn so they both fit.

  O.M.G.!!! Svetlana is here!!!

  Duncan hops out of bed and luckily he looks really good when he’s just woken up despite what Anita always said about his eye bogeys. He throws on his sexiest tracksuit – his red one this time – and hurries downstairs, telling Cartwright to make tea, please, for the visitor and maybe prepare his bath for afterwards.

  The doorbell rings and he goes to let Svetlana in, only to find Wanda on the doorstep, TOO! As he looks from one to the other, Duncan realises he loves them both. But he knows he cannot have them both and even though he loves them both he knows he must choose one of them right now. And he thinks he knows which one he is going to choose right now.

  ‘Have you decided to sign my contract yet, Duncan?’ says Svetlana, looking more good-looking than she ever has before in a really new-looking pink top and pink skirt.

  Duncan shakes his head sadly. ‘I am sorry, Lana, but I have decided that even though I love you and really, really fancy you, I cannot sign your contract. It is too scary and weird and also, I love Wanda. And so I choose Wanda. She might not have an enormous house or a helicopter in my garden, but she is really nice. What we have is solid and lovely and you don’t risk getting your head chopped off when you climb into her Prius.’

  Svetlana is DEVASTATED. She cannot believe her ears and tries to kiss Duncan again right there on the doorstep. Duncan is afraid for a moment that he will succumb to her dark allure, but Wanda gets in the way and Wanda is a lot bigger and stronger than Svetlana. For a moment it looks like they might have a fight, and Duncan cannot believe they would fight over him, even though women have fought over him a million times before. But at the last second, Svetlana glares at them both and then storms off into the garden where the helicopter awaits.

  Wanda and Duncan cannot believe it and they look at each other for a really long time. And then they snog for a really long time in the hallway of Duncan’s house, while Cartwright stands really close by, feeling so proud of his master but worrying that the tea and the bath are going to get cold.

  When they stop snogging for half a second, Wanda says, ‘Duncan, thank you for choosing me. I’m glad you love me. And I have a secret to reveal now. I am secretly rich too, Duncan! I didn’t want to tell you because I wanted you to love me and choose me for me, but now you have, I can reveal that I too have a massive house on the edge of town, with helicopters and butlers. I only bought this house next door to you to be close to you and cook nut roast for you very easily. So you can still keep your private jet and Lamborghini Veneno and there’s even a spare wing for Cartwright to live in at my house so you don’t have to sack him!’

  It is really good news for everyone except maybe Cartwright who is clearly a bit jealous, and Wanda and Duncan snog a bit more and all the neighbours who’ve gathered round while all this was going on, all give a big cheer because they’ve always really liked Wanda and Duncan and have been rooting for them to get together ever since Anita left last Tuesday. It is a really happy ending.

  But across the garden, as Svetlana climbs back into her helicopter, she turns back and catches Duncan’s eye. ‘I’ll be back,’ she mouths really sexily at him, and Duncan shivers . . .

  THE END.

  END SCENE

  Epilogue

  12.45 a.m. Wednesday, 1 January

  Location: Maddie’s New Year’s Eve wedding. It’s a huge do – turns out her dad is super wealthy – and there are about 250 guests in attendance, including my dad, Candice, Sophie, New Ryan, Thomas, Cassie, and a bunch of old work colleagues. I was assigned to the singles’ table with Maddie’s cousin and a bunch of twenty-year-old boys who keep calling me a cougar and trying to get off with me. Best wedding ever.

  God, everyone’s so drunk. Look at all of them. If I have to watch my dad putting his tongue down his fiancée’s throat one more time I will actually start campaigning for euthanasia (euthanasia for old people who are in love, at least). I’ve been hanging out on the in-laws table for the past hour, sucking up to Maddie’s parents to the point where they now definitely love me more than they love their daughter. They keep telling me I have to go over for Sunday dinner next weekend. I can’t wait to tell Madds I’m taking her place in the will.

  I glance over at the bride now. She’s drunkenly slow dancing with Zack, even though the song playing is nineties banger ‘Horny’ by Mousse T. Everyone around them is jumping up and down and screaming, but they’re totally, adorably oblivious.

  It’s been such a nice day. Maddie looked so incredible in a silvery silk Ghost dress and long veil. And I, as is right and proper, looked dreadful in my pink shiny bridesmaid dress. The service was lovely, the food was delicious, the booze is free and the speeches went on too long. Oh, apart from Zack’s speech, which was only four minutes because every three words, he would break down sobbing. Eventually Maddie made him sit down, wiping his snot with her veil as she did so. It was dead romantic.

  I say goodbye to Madd’s family and head over to join New Ryan, Sophie and Cassie on the dance floor. Across the room I spot Maddie’s ex, Ben, and his new boyfriend, Dan, and I give them a wave. It’s nice that Ben and Maddie are finally on good terms again. That custody battle over Alfred got really ugly for a while there, but this every-other-week deal seems to be working out OK so far. Sophie and Cassie WOO at me as I join them. They’re dancing frantically moving just their hands in that way drunk people do. You know, when it’s like their hands are the bus and Keanu Reeves will get blown up if they slow down for even a second. It’s great fun and I start doing the small boxes and screaming all the words to yet another nineties classic; ‘I’m A Bitch’. This wedding playlist is the best.

  ‘Hey, where’s Ciara tonight?’ I ask New Ryan.

  Sophie interrupts. ‘She’s with his bitch mother.’

  ‘I can hear you!’ New Ryan moans, looking pained.

  Sophie blinks at him. ‘I know you can?’ She turns back to me. ‘Yesterday that woman let herself in to our house and re-washed and re-ironed the load of laundry I’d just done. I got back with Ciara from nursery just as she was finishing and she just stared me out until I actually choked out a thank you. She’s such a bitch. Never have a mother-in-law, they’re the worst. Yet another reason to stay single.’

  New Ryan shrugs, and I giggle. ‘At least they’re handy babysitters?’ I try and New Ryan nods. Sophie’s dancing gets more frantic.

  It’s been an interesting eight months. My gallery finally opened in November and it’s doing pretty well. It’s early days, obviously, but we’ve already featured some fantastic new artists and the reviews have been really kind. The job is everything I ever wanted. I work flexible hours, spend my days surrounded by beautiful things. My colleagues (employees!) are smart and cool, and I feel so stupidly inspired all the time. It’s all I can do not to paint on the walls. In fact, this week Elizabeth suggested we turn one of the back stockrooms into a mini studio for me, which will be amazing. I asked if we could have a mini fridge for the Nutella and she said that was OK.

  I’ve also been flat hunting like a maniac for the last few months. I wasn’t having much success finding anything not-horrible in my price range, until this week, when I found a lovely little one-bed in west London. It’s in a new building and I can’t tell you how much the prospect of living with clean surfaces appeals to me. Everything is brand new, and there’s no mould or Radox bottles in the bathroom. There’s even a dishwasher – can you imagine? A DISHWASHER. I’ve put in an offer and
am just waiting to hear, but I’ve got all my fingers crossed. As lovely as it’s been living with Dad again, I realised over Christmas that I can’t stick it out much longer. Jen and Milly came to stay for the week – no sign of Andrew again – and it all got very claustrophobic. I tried to talk to Jen a few times about her marriage, but she told me to mind my own business. She knows where I am if she does want to talk. And if she ever wants to leave him for real.

  On the dance floor Cassie woos at me again and I woo back. This girl has fit into the group unbelievably well – it’s like she was here all along. Sophie and I love her and we’ve informed Thomas that if he ever dares dump her, Cassie will retain full custody of us. She’s just wonderful – always taking our side in arguments with him, and never once making any complaints about us spending so much time with her boyfriend. Actually, she and Thomas shared some big news with us a few minutes ago. They’re planning on moving in together next month, and they’re looking at flats near my new place! I’m totally thrilled (Sophie’s obviously really jealous, her passive aggression came out so bad).

  Still, I can’t wait. It’ll be exactly like Friends but with less ugly naked guy. I’m hoping for lots of hot naked guys.

  Oh, and defying all known cat lady conventions, I got a dog at Christmas. Her name is Ryder and she comes everywhere with me. She and Peter are getting a bit too friendly though, which Jen said is proof that I am literally the only person who can’t find a boy to have sex with me. What she doesn’t know is that I’ve been having plenty of sex in the last few months. Remember Tinder Nathan? Yep, turns out I didn’t scare him away by crying all over him that night. He texted me a few weeks later and we had a couple of dates. I quickly realised he was waaaaaay too messed up about his ex to be a real contender for Project Happiness, but he has a genuinely lovely penis, so we’ve stayed in touch. Stayed in touch genitally, I mean. We don’t see that much of each other – it’s super casual – but it’s a very nice arrangement. And we have a great system worked out where, every time he mentions his ex in my presence, I sit on his face. That’s how we ended up having sex in Warner’s Park recently. That place is so defiled.

  Someone taps me on the shoulder and I turn to find – ugh – Rich from the old office. I haven’t seen him since I left The Hales in a blaze of glory, but I hear he’s officially the deputy manager now and loving it. He’s doing all the confrontational stuff that Derek can’t handle but Maddie says he’s just as bad at it. The only difference is that he sweats less. In fact, he had to be the one to sack my loo-twin Nick recently. I still can’t believe all that – it was so dramatic. So, yeah, after their weird smooch-y dancing at my thirtieth last April, Ursula and Nick started having this major embarrassing office affair. My last few weeks at The Hales were spent watching them duck in and out of the loos, while Maddie and I messaged each other about wet patches on their clothes. It was hilarious and awful and not subtle in any way. Nick and I even stopped going to the bathroom at the same time, because he was in the disabled loo at least a couple of times a day doing it with Ursula. It carried on for months after I left. Derek and Rich kept pretending they didn’t know anything, so they wouldn’t have to deal with it, but when Ursula ended up leaving her husband for Nick, and then going back to her husband, and then back to Nick, I think they realised they couldn’t ignore it any more. Nick and Ursula were hauled in and Rich informed them that the disabled loo was for the exclusive use of the one disabled guy The Hales has on its payroll, even though he’s been working from home since 2008. Anyway, it got even more dramatic a couple of weeks ago when Nick turned up at the office on a Monday morning looking like he hadn’t slept in three days. He announced to the whole room that Ursula had left him again, and he couldn’t live without her. He flipped a desk!! Maddie put it all on Facebook Live and I watched as Nick was escorted out by security. It was pretty exciting for everyone. Poor Nick got sacked, obviously, but apparently Ursula has now left her husband once and for all, and she and Nick have shacked up together with her teenagers in St. Albans. I’m happy for them.

  ‘Ellie!’ Rich exclaims, happily. I wince.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say resentfully. I’m too drunk to be enthusiastic about small talk with people I hate. ‘Hi, Rich. How are you?’

  ‘I’m excellent, thanks, haha! What a wonderful day. Haha. Zack is a lucky guy, right? Haha. I had to miss the service earlier because I volunteer at an animal shelter on Saturday mornings, but I hear it was beautiful.’

  Monster.

  ‘It was lovely,’ I confirm, looking around for help and making note to plan revenge on Cassie and Sophie who are both now deliberately dancing away and avoiding eye contact.

  ‘So how is life?’ he goes on, settling in for a big chat. ‘I hear your gallery is doing really well, that is fantastic. I’m so pleased for you, Ellie.’

  I roll my eyes, not very discreetly.

  ‘Yeah, it’s great,’ I sigh. ‘And congrats on the deputy manager position, Rich.’ I so want to ask him about Nick and Ursula – that would send him scuttling away – but I resist the urge.

  ‘Thank you!’ He looks so pleased. ‘So what else is new with you, Ellie? Have you finally trapped yourself a boyfriend? I’m sorry I’m not in the loop on the latest happenings . . .’ (latest happenings? Ugh) ‘I’m currently on a major internet and social media cleanse.’ (Internet and social media cleanse? Ugh.) ‘My life coach says –’ (life coach? Ugh) ‘– it’s super important for me to have the break, but, er, it means I haven’t heard from any of my friends for weeks.’

  Yeah, sure, that’s the reason no one wants to talk to you.

  ‘Sounds really great, Rich. And nope, I’m still very happily single.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Ellie.’

  I laugh. I can’t help it.

  ‘There is no need for apologies, Rich. Believe it or not, I like being single. I choose to be single. I’m happy.’

  ‘You are such a trooper,’ he says, doing the head tilt. ‘Don’t worry, I just know you’ll get your Disney ending someday. You’re a total catch, Eleanor Knight! Haha! Anyway, it’s been so great talking to you, Ellie. I’m going to get a drink. BRB, haha!’

  Cassie dances back over. ‘Did that prick just say BRB out loud? As in, be right back? He said that out loud?’

  ‘He’s the worst,’ Sophie confirms, shaking her head.

  I laugh and we get back to our hand dancing.

  I guess I know I’m always going to hear shit like that. The sympathy. The fake reassurances I don’t need. It’s part of being single. But I care so much less than I did a year ago. I have stopped feeling like I have to pretend to be looking for someone. Probably because my life is so totally brilliant. We can blame Disney all we like for this idea of a princess who needs rescuing by a prince/husband, but if you think about it; actually most of those Disney chicks wanted to escape those conventions as much as I do. Belle didn’t want to marry the hot-as-fuck Gaston, she wanted an ‘adventure in the great wide somewhere’. She wanted to escape her life and all those villagers who thought she was smart literally just because she was a female who could read (EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS TOTALLY CLEARLY READING CHILDREN’S BOOKS). Princess Jasmine didn’t want to be forced to marry either. She tried so hard to escape the palace and her life as a princess – bro, she got a tiger to eat all the princes who came to visit! She couldn’t have tried much harder to stay single.

  (Hmm, mental note: look into buying tiger.)

  Princess Ariel just wanted to go off and explore the human world and add to her thingymabob collection. Elsa wanted to literally chill in an ice palace. And who knows what Sleeping Beauty really wanted because she got cursed by a spinning wheel when she was just a kid, and then, while she was trying to sleep it off, she got sexually assaulted by a passing prince.

  I could write a thesis on the subject. Maybe I will. I can do anything I want.

  My point is, I can still have my ‘Disney ending’, thank you, Rich – thank you everyone. But a fairytale ending doesn’t have
to mean a prince riding in on his white horse to save me. It means adventures and fun and talking candlesticks – all of which I currently have (talking candlesticks TBC). I want my life to be exciting forever and full of possibility, not spent worrying about someone else’s moods and bad day at work. I have love in my life in the form of friends and family. Being a third wheel works just fine – Delboy and Rodney had a three-wheeler and they ended up as millionaires. And, OK, maybe there will be a shining white knight eventually, but the point is I don’t need him. I’ve never needed him. It took me a while, but I’m there, I know that now. I know what I’m capable of. I’m Ellie Knight, and I don’t need a boyfriend. I might not be perfect, but I’m a hot mess who’s getting her shit together, and I’ve bloody well rescued myself.

  From: Alan Knight

 

  To: Eleanor.knight@gmail.com, Jennifer.seevy@hotmail.com

  12th January

  Alan Knight

  106 Castle Rise

  Judfield

  East Sussex

  TN22 5UN

  Dear Eleanor and Jennifer,

  I hope you are both very well. I am very happy because Candice has been encouraging me to watch “Hollyoaks” and I am really enjoying it!!! As you know, I was always afraid of “Hollyoaks” because of all the young people shouting. But it turns out that is not so very different to middle-aged people shouting, like on “Coronation Street” and “Eastenders”. Candice has been such a “blessing” in my life and opened my eyes to lots of new things.

  I’m so glad you enjoyed my third “short story” so much. Candice says she very much enjoyed the “rollercoaster ride” of this latest one, but said I probably should not have posted them all on “Twitter” because now I won’t be able to sell them to a big “publishing house”.