Conflicted (Secrets and Lies)

by Koenig, M. M.

  "Where are the guys?"

  "I persuaded them to go out tonight so that we could talk without them interrupting us. I had no idea you would wait so long to come home," she snapped.

  "I wasn't aware that you needed an exact time of my return. I've never had a curfew so I'm not sure what you expect from me," I retorted.

  "Cut the bullshit Mia," she shrieked.

  "Where's naughty Bri that wanted to hear all the dirty details?"

  "She disappeared when her best friend started making stupid life choices," she snarled.

  I inhaled a quick gush of air. "I choose Ethan."

  Bri frowned. "Mia, you don't even know him. I know you didn't spend the last two days getting to know everything about him as a person."

  "Since when is getting to know someone really well biblically such a bad thing. And I mean really well," I joked.

  She curled her fists to contain her exasperation with me. "There you go again. Cut the sarcasm. You don't know anything about him yet you think he's everything you need. Please for the love of God explain to me how that is possible."

  "The way he makes me feel is so different from anything I've ever experienced. It's not just the attraction or the sex. I feel so very alive around him."

  I got up from the recliner heading for the stairs. Bri scowled as she leapt up to follow me.

  "Please tell me that you did more than fuck his brains out for the last forty-eight hours."

  "Well..."

  I was thankful to be ahead of her on the stairs because if she saw the grin on my face she'd smack me. Bri doubled her pace after I started taking two stairs at a time. I strode into my room going towards my closet as she sat on the corner of the desk.

  "You wanted Harrison's offer more than anything. There is no way that you would throw that all away for a guy you don't even know so start talking," she demanded.

  I glanced over my shoulder to see that she was at her wits end with me. "I don't know what it is but it's like he came along and awakened me. He makes me so angry at times but he also makes me feel a place of love so deeply that it scorches my soul."

  "Are you sure this has nothing to do with getting over Micah?" Bri asked skeptically.

  I grabbed a pair of mesh shorts and t-shirt and changed into them. I tossed Ethan's clothes towards my desk. They whizzed past her head and got her attention from picking at her nails so she could see that she wasn't the only one pissed off.

  "If you ask me that again, I might just slap you. This has nothing to do with Micah. If I was so hung up on him, I would've never shared with Ethan what happened last winter," I snapped.

  Her eyes bugged out in disbelief. "Did you tell him everything?"

  I nodded on my way out of my room. I was starving so the kitchen was my next stop. If Bri wanted to continue interrogating me, she'd have to follow me there too.

  "Wow, I'm surprised you lowered you guard that much. You haven't told anyone about that night in its entirety," she responded, baffled.

  I grimaced. "I gave him a summarized version of the evening. I wanted him to understand that I wasn't exactly undamaged goods."

  Once we were in the kitchen, I walked over to the fridge and opened the freezer section with hope that there was some food in there. There was a frozen pepperoni pizza tucked away at the bottom. One of us had to have hid it from the boys. Bri took a seat on a stool at the island as I placed the pizza in the oven.

  "Mia, you aren't damaged."

  I glanced at her to that see she had calmed down. She still seemed pissed but she was also softening with the more I shared. I jumped up on the counter with an eye on her.

  "Yea, I am. If you hadn't found me, I wouldn't be sitting here. It's just one of the many poor choices I've made over the last few months. I took the offer from Harrison hoping it would get my life back on track. I was desperate for a change but I made it for all the wrong reasons."

  Bri arched an eyebrow. "Can I ask you something?"

  I exhaled deeply. "Has it ever stopped you before?"

  "Are you in love with Ethan? You barely know him but you're acting like he's the love of your life with what you're willing to give up. Whether you want to see it or not, Ethan is part of the problem that Harrison revealed to you."

  "I'm not above saying that he doesn't have his fair share of secrets," I answered stiffly.

  "How can you be with someone that could be harboring some horrible things?"

  Bri started to fidget with the rings on her fingers as her eyes flitted between her hands and me. I rested my head against the cupboard.

  "Why do you think I tried to stay away from him? It was because of that very question which yes I will admit remains unanswered but I can't help how I feel. The heart wants what the heart wants regardless of what the mind tells you is right." I paused to determine if Bri understood me. The hardness behind her eyes remained strong. "I should be scared with my knowledge of how his company operates underneath it all or the fact that I know very little personal things about him but I'm not. God knows that I'm anything but innocent with all the secrets I'm hiding from people. I can't crucify him for his flaws when I have so many of my own. If I don't take this shot with him, I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

  Bri loosened up a little. The resistance in her eyes receded as she became more concerned.

  "I guess you've put more thought into this than I'm giving you credit for."

  "Of course I've put thought into it. I nearly had a meltdown right in front of him. I'm well aware of the mess that I'm in right now."

  I hopped down from the counter to grab water out of the fridge. She was right behind me to grab a soda for herself. We leaned against the counter facing each other. She opened and closed her mouth with reservation before she moved forward with her next thought.

  "What are you going to do?"

  I sighed. "I've made so many mistakes trying to lead a double life. I feel horrible all the time and all I want to do is make it right for everyone that I've wronged including you. I may not be making it right for all the people that are affected by what is happening in his company. I'm selfish enough to want to make it better for all the people that I've hurt in my life."

  Confusion swept across Bri's face. "You haven't wronged me Mia."

  I cringed. "Haven't I? I asked you to keep a secret from the man that you're in love with. No matter what you say, I have a feeling that it's hurt you because of it. When I look at what I've actually asked, I'm disgusted with myself. I should've never put you in that position knowing that it could hurt you. If that's not selfish, then I don't know what is."

  "Mia," Bri disputed.

  "No, I need to get this out. If there is anything that being with Ethan has given me, its clarity. I can't keep hurting people that I care about and I've hurt everyone in this house. I'm not any better than Micah," I contended.

  "You're not like Micah. It's different," Bri argued.

  I shook my head. "What makes me any less selfish? When I accepted Harrison's offer, I didn't care if there was a possibility of my actions hurting anyone. I did it because that was what I needed for myself. That's selfishness."

  "Mia..."

  "You wanted the pow wow Bri. I have no idea how I'll ever be able to hold on to Ethan and get out of this unharmed."

  I shoved away from her to get the pizza. I sliced it before grabbing a few pieces and Bri did the same. I took a seat at the island and she sat down next to me with her plate.

  "I'll admit it's easier to talk to you when you see reason. You're far more aware than you've been in a really long time which makes me wonder what Ethan might be doing for you."

  "Bri, I've been feeling this way for a while. Do you want to know what made me decide to take the offer?" I asked around a bite of pizza.

  "I've always been curious," Bri admitted before taking a bite.

  "I relived that horrible night and I couldn't handle the pain. I gave into that weakness again. I'm a shitty human being and I need you to understand th
at I'm not overlooking that fact. I fucked up more than once and all I want to do is stop screwing up."

  I pushed my pizza away. I was hungry but my self-disgust filled me right up.

  "You're not a shitty human being. If you were a shitty person, you wouldn't be able to see when your mistakes," Bri said quietly.

  She reached to push my plate forward. I gave her a skeptical look but appeased her by keeping it there.

  "I'm a shitty person at the moment," I reiterated.

  "God Mia...I worried about this when you took the offer but you were so confident that you had it all figured out. I really wish you had considered all of this before you even said yes. It would make everything so much easier now," Bri responded halfheartedly.

  Bri finished off her plate and gave me a pointed look to finish of mine. I picked up my remaining slice and took a bite. I finished it fast and washed it all down with a gulp of water.

  "Believe me. I know."

  "I can tell I don't need to lecture you any more on all the points that I had lined up. You seem to have gotten there on your own so I'm not going to push. I don't have any answers for you but I know you Mia. You'll find a way. You always do."

  "It's touching that you still have faith in me when I don't deserve it. The truth is that I don't know what the hell to do but hopefully it comes to me soon."

  "As angry as you can make me, I'll always have faith in you. We all will and you should know that by now," Bri said, trying to contain her scowl.

  "Will you please tell me what's going on with you and Trey? I have more than shared tonight and you evaded the question on Friday night."

  I rested my elbows up on the island. Her face paled as she played with the strings on her sweatshirt. She shoved her empty plate towards the center of the island. When she ran out of things to fidget with, she redirected her gaze to me. I smiled encouraging her to tell me.

  Bri took a deep breath. "We've been having issues. I think he has a hard time defining relationships in his life. I'm not sure why but that's what it seems like to me. Who knows maybe you can figure it out. You've known him longer than anyone else. The connection you share is different than what the rest of us have with him."

  She averted her eyes from me while running her fingers along the edge of the island.

  "Bri..."

  She glanced over with hurt in her eyes. It stabbed at my heart that it bothered her this much and she never told me. I opened my mouth but her torn expression cut me off.

  "I need to know that no matter what happens he'll be there. I don't have that feeling and I need to have that from him."

  "I'm sorry," I whispered.

  Bri whipped her head in my direction. "Why are you sorry?"

  "I just am. I'm sorry for the things I can fix and the things that I can't. I'll talk to him if you want me to. I should talk to him about the standoff that he had with Ethan anyway. I have no idea what that was all about," I murmured, running my hands across my face.

  "You can talk to Trey but make it subtle. I don't know what happened when we were in the bathroom but those two looked like they were ready to beat the shit out of each other. Did Ethan say anything about it?"

  I looked away as my neck began to flush. Bri arched an eyebrow.

  "Uh...no...I didn't give him a chance to either," I admitted.

  "I take it that I'm not the only one that had a very public display of affection that evening."

  My cheeks turned fire engine red. "I guess that is one way of putting it."

  She smirked. "I'm ready for all those naughty details Mia."

  We left the dirty dishes behind us and made our way towards the cave.

  "Well, let's just say that we at least made it to his car before I ended up begging."

  "You begged?" she asked in a startled tone.

  I settled on the couch looking for the remote. Bri had a smug grin on her face as she sat down in the recliner. I shook my head before rolling my eyes at her. "Seriously, I hadn't had sex in over a month. I couldn't handle it any longer after he marked and mauled me on the dance floor. What would you have done?"

  Bri laughed. "Go on."

  I glanced at her with a sheepish smile. She laughed even harder but was eager for more.

  "We made it to his car. The first time happened so fast that I missed something about him that surprised me later that night."

  "What could you have possibly missed about him that would have shocked you later?"

  "He has a piercing," I mumbled.

  Bri crinkled her eyes. "What's the big deal? The guy is covered in tattoos."

  "He has a piercing down there," I confessed.

  Bri's jaw dropped but she snapped it shut as a fit of giggles took over. "How the hell did you miss that fact? Is he that good?" she asked enthusiastically.

  I beamed. "I lose my mind with him every time."

  "What draws you more to him? The sex or the man."

  "The man," I answered immediately.

  "Really!" Bri squealed.

  "Yes. We drive each other crazy but we also connect in a very powerful way. It's like being together has given us those missing pieces of ourselves that make us whole."

  My face exuded the happiness flowing throughout me. She gazed at me in awe.

  "Wow, I still can't get past the fact that you two hardly know a thing about each other. Do you think he's your soul mate?"

  "I don't believe in soul mates."

  "You don't?" Bri asked, scratching her head.

  "No. I think that there are plenty of people that are on this earth that we are destined to cross paths with. I don't think it is limited to a relationship with a man. I think we find the people that we are supposed to have in our lives," I explained.

  "Do you think Ethan was supposed to be on your path all along?"

  I smiled knowing that everything happened for a reason. There was a reason I met her so there had to have been a reason that I met him too. "I think as life steers a new course for you that the people you are intended to meet change with it. I guess if you're lucky enough you'll get lightening in a bottle with those changes."

  "What do you mean?"

  "You'll get to meet that person that completes all the parts of yourself that you never knew were incomplete in the first place," I said softly.

  Bri sunk even further into the chair completely astonished by my answer. Her happiness for me faded as a significant weight washed over her features. "How are you going to get out this deal with Harrison without Ethan knowing what you were doing there all along?"

  "Bri, I'm trying to figure that out as we speak. All I know is that if I'm not careful I could bring down a lot of hell around me. I've been careless enough. If danger comes down on me, I deserve it. I don't want any of you guys to get hurt," I whispered in fear.

  "What about Ethan?"

  My heart quivered just thinking about Ethan and how it plays into my mess with Harrison. "The last thing I want to do is hurt Ethan. I'll never be able to live with myself if I don't tell him the truth. I'm trying to figure out a way of going about this that will hurt him the least."

  I shoved my worries aside and gave her a wide smile. She eyed me with curiosity.

  "Has this pow wow come to its conclusion? I'd really like to break from the heavy stuff and paint our nails while watching reality garbage on TV."

  Bri grinned as she leapt from the chair. "I hereby close this summit. I'll grab the nail polish while you find something raunchy for us to watch."

  ~

  I crawled into bed with a thousand different things running through my head. Most of them revolved around Ethan. A tear glistened at the possibility of him walking away from me. I crept to the end of the bed to grab my purse. I needed a playlist to fall asleep or I'd be up for hours torturing myself. I opened my purse and grabbed my phone. I plugged it in and it sprang to life as the apple spread across the screen. I selected the music icon and went for my playlists. I gasped seeing a new playlist - Ethan's playlist.

  W
hen did he make me a playlist?

  I pulled out my headphones and snuggled under the covers. I clicked on his playlist wondering what sort of songs he would mix for me. The first song flooded my ears and my breath faltered. If every other song was as thoughtful as this one, then there was no question that he'd fallen for me too. With each song that filled my ears, the walls around my heart kept cracking. My love for him swirled throughout me with so much intensity that I thought my heart would burst. I swallowed to alleviate the lump in my throat as a few tears cascaded along my temples. I couldn't lose him. There was no way I could go back to a life without him in it.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  I was more self-conscious about my attire after this weekend. I'd love to find something that would drive Ethan crazy with want but that would probably fall under the teasing category. He did bring out a devilish side to me so I was considering it. I had a low cut halter-top in my hand and was digging for a skirt to compliment it.

  "Are you kidding yourself? You can't wear that top to his office," Bri remarked.

  "Why?"

  She rolled her eyes. "If you want to make a spectacle of yourself, by all means wear it."

  "What?"

  "First of all, you shouldn't try to rev him up when you're around other people. Not until you're out of that place for good. Second, you'll look like a slut if you walk around exposing to the world that you got some over the weekend," Bri reasoned.

  "This top isn't that slutty," I defended.

  Bri snorted. "It is if you want to show off your hickeys like a proud high school girl."

  "Damn it. I keep forgetting about them," I muttered.

  Bri started giggling as she walked into my room. I shot her a look to shut her up but it only made her laugh harder. She grabbed my clothes selecting and tossed it on the bed before pawing in my closet. I flopped on my bed letting her do what she did best.

  "Here, wear this pant suit," she said, dropping the outfit on the bed.