Dreaming in Chocolate

by Susan Bishop Crispell

  Unless she hadn’t known yet.

  He dropped the picture to his lap and nudged Ella’s side with his forearm. She turned, the hopeful smile freezing on her lips when she finally looked at him. “Ella, listen to me. I need you to tell me the truth about how you found the picture, okay? I won’t be mad if you’re making it up, but I need to know if you are. It’s really important. Did you ask for a picture of your dad or just a picture of who you wanted to be your dad?”

  She circled his face on the photo then did the same to Penelope’s, linking them together in a sideways figure eight. Infinity. “My dad. My real dad. I’m not making it up. Cross my heart.”

  His breath escaped in a long, slow exhale as his fingers fumbled in his pocket for the empty cigarette pack he’d been using to trick his mind into thinking he’d had a smoke. The crackling cellophane slipped between his sweaty fingers. He fisted it in his hand and clenched his jaw to keep from saying the dozens of things that fought to come out.

  The doubt and the anger. The confusion and the excitement.

  He sat like that for a few minutes, the cartoon voices from the movie they’d been watching jabbering on in the background while Ella watched him with her bottom lip caught in her teeth.

  “Noah, is it okay that I told you?” she asked after another minute or two.

  “Yeah, of course it is,” he said. He sat up and ran a hand over her messy hair. The smile he gave her felt too big, too fake. But she smiled back. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

  “Happy surprised or you’re-going-to-send-me-to-my-room-because-that-was-so-not-funny surprised? I’ve only gotten the bad-surprised from my mom once, but it was enough to make me never want it again.”

  He laughed because there didn’t seem to be any other kind of reaction to Ella. “Definitely happy.”

  “Good. Me too,” she said and popped a kiss on his cheek. “Now we just have to convince my mom to be happy about it too.”

  Noah flinched.

  If Penelope had wanted him to know he had a kid, she would have found a way to tell him anytime in the past eight years. Thinking she’d be happy that he finally knew was too much to hope for. Hell, he’d be lucky if she even copped to the truth.

  He had the photo, though. And Ella was on his side. So he had half a chance of this not blowing up in his face.

  32

  The kitchen was a disaster. Measuring cups, eggshells, an ice cream scoop, and three baking sheets littered the island. A massive pile of cookies were stacked on a plate. Those, at least, Noah had remembered to cover with plastic wrap. What Penelope assumed had once been dough was dried in a crusty river on the stove top.

  Too tired to deal with the mess, she switched off the light and headed into the living room to confront the culprits. The glow from the TV illuminated the room. An animated movie played with no sound. Penelope went to shut it off and stopped halfway across the room. Noah was stretched out on the couch, asleep. He had one hand splayed out on his chest, cementing Ella’s favorite zebra, Pierre, to him. Three-quarters of the blanket had slipped to the floor.

  This was her dream come to life.

  She watched him for a minute. The familiar tingle moved from her fingers up her arms. She’d felt that way the first time she told him she loved him. When she thought he loved her back.

  “No, you don’t get to do this again,” she murmured to the air. “I’ll decide if I want him to stick around or not, thank you very much.” She shook her hands then ran them through her hair. She let out a ragged breath. Resisting the urge to readjust the blanket, she clicked off the television and went upstairs.

  Noah had turned back her sheets and left a few sprigs of lavender on her pillow. The sweet scent lingered in the air. She found a half-eaten cookie in the sheets. She laughed, imagining Ella sneaking in behind Noah and thinking no one would notice.

  Fate or not, she was afraid she’d already made up her mind about Noah. And she wasn’t sure how she felt about it.

  It took her until she’d changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed alone to give in to what she wanted.

  Penelope crept back downstairs, her bare feet padding a subtle rhythm on the dark wood. She sank to her knees in front of the couch. Noah’s deep breaths ruffled the downy fur on the stuffed animal’s head. His T-shirt stretched tight across his broad shoulders. The screen-printed ink on the letters spelling out their high school’s name had faded or been rubbed off of half of them. She’d seen him in that shirt when they were younger too many times to count, but something about seeing him in it again set off sparks along her skin.

  Inching closer, she trailed her fingers over the soft hair at his temple. The stubble along his jaw scratched at her fingers as she traced the sharp line toward his chin. His lips parted and a sleepy sigh escaped. His eyelashes fluttered, but his eyes remained closed.

  She leaned in and fit her mouth to his. Just a whisper of a touch.

  But it was enough.

  Noah’s arm snaked out, winding around her back so his long fingers cupped her neck and hitched her closer. He blinked a few times. The haze of sleep cleared a little more each time his eyes met hers. His lips moved faster, his fingers gripped tighter. Penelope pressed her hips into the cushion and fisted her hand in his hair. His tongue teased her bottom lip until she opened for him. He tasted the way he had in her dreams. Like chocolate with a hint of spice. Like forever.

  She closed her eyes against the thought, refusing to let it take hold. Wanting him and loving him are not the same thing.

  It was such a fine line between the two, would she even know if—when—she crossed it?

  He slid his hand underneath her shirt, his palm stretching over her stomach and fingers grazing her ribs.

  “Noah,” she managed between kisses. “Wait. Not down here.”

  Stepping over the stuffed zebra that had fallen to the floor, she led him up to her room. Penelope willed her hand not to shake in his. She cast a quick glance at Ella’s room then slipped inside her own and locked the door behind them.

  Her mouth found Noah’s again, even in the dark. They stumbled to the bed, all hands and lips and need.

  They were breathless. Delirious. Drowning in each other like they had the first time.

  She shifted to straddle his hips, two layers of fabric the only thing holding them back. But as she leaned down to kiss him again, he said her name. The desperation of a moment before replaced with hesitation. She straightened, and his heart pounded under her palm on his chest.

  “Why didn’t you tell me Ella’s my daughter?” he asked.

  “Noah—” When had he put it together? How? Penelope slid off of him and tucked her knees beneath her. Tugging her shirt down, she attempted to cover her exposed thighs. Like that would make this conversation any less awkward. She kept her hands holding the thin fabric in place. “What makes you think,” she said, taking a stuttered breath, “that she’s yours?”

  Noah gave a humorless laugh. “Besides the way you’re looking at me right now like you might need to breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes?” His eyes narrowed and cut right through her.

  He had her there. She forced a slow breath in, attempting to prove him wrong. But as her heart rate showed no signs of returning to normal anytime soon, she had to let it go to suck in another quick breath.

  “Ella showed me a photograph of all of us together. In the future. Apparently your magic table gave it to her tonight. She said she already knew I was her dad and that the picture was just the proof to convince me.”

  “There’s no way she could have already known. I never told her. I never told anyone.” Unable to look at him directly, Penelope stared at the few inches of space between her knees and his hip.

  “I get it. We weren’t together very long, and then I left and never came back.” His voice dropped to a coarse whisper. “But my brother was right here all these years. You could’ve found me if you’d wanted to.”

  “You’re right. I could have. But I didn
’t.”

  He sat up so his legs bent in front of him and rested his wrists on his knees. His hair fell across his face when he tilted his head to look at her. Tension spread from his clenched jaw down his body, tightening his muscles until he looked ready to explode. “Did you think I wouldn’t come back if I knew?”

  “No. I worried that you would.” All of the hurt and rejection and soul-crushing sadness she’d kept buried for so long came rushing back strong as ever. She released one side of her shirt to press her fist to her chest where her heart threatened to burst. “And at some point you would have felt like I’d trapped you here. With me. With the future you didn’t want.”

  “You really think I wouldn’t want this? A life with you and Ella?”

  A flare of anger supplanted her heartache. Penelope pushed up onto her knees and shuffled back a few inches until her toes peeked over the edge of the mattress. Then she dropped to the floor, putting the whole bed between them. “Do you remember what you said to me when I told you I dreamed about how you were my future?”

  Noah flinched. “Not in exact words, but I know the general gist.” He turned and hopped off the other side of the bed but made no move to round the end to get closer to her.

  “Well, I know the exact words, Noah.” They were permanently carved into her heart, and no amount of scar tissue had been able to hide them. “So I am beyond confident when I say this life was not something you ever wanted.” She spoke just above a whisper to keep from waking Ella. Not even the low volume could stop the pain from seeping into her words.

  “Maybe not back then. We were so damn young, Penelope. And there you were, telling me that was it. That my life was already decided for me and I had no say in the where or the how or the why.” He dragged a hand through his hair, sending it into disarray. The hard lines around his mouth smoothed out when he flashed his eyes to hers. “That scared the shit out of me. You scared the shit out of me.”

  Penelope scooped her pajama pants off the floor and pulled them on. “I scared you? I wasn’t asking you to drop everything and marry me right then and there, Noah. But I was in love with you and thought you were in love with me. And I stupidly thought you’d want a life with me one day.” The words scraped her throat raw on their way out. She’d held them in for so long their edges had been honed into razors. She looked down, half-expecting to see her heart thumping on the floor at her feet with her confession.

  “God, it was so easy to picture the rest of my life with you, Penelope. It was never a question of whether or not we’d be happy together or if I loved you. I knew they were both true.”

  “But you still left,” she said.

  “But I’m here now,” he countered.

  He said it like it made everything easier, better. Like it wasn’t a temporary living arrangement. But her heart could only handle losing one person in the near future and Ella already had claim on that position.

  Penelope crossed her arms over her chest and forced herself to ask the question that he didn’t want to acknowledge. “I know, but for how long? Because this amazing little life Ella and I have has an expiration date. You missed all the good stuff, and a lot of the bad too. But the worst, that’s still coming. And I can’t see you sticking around for that.”

  Noah’s expression hardened, his jaw clenching again and his eyes narrowing into unreadable slits. “Wow. Nice to see you think so highly of me.”

  The bite in his voice sent a chill up her arms. She shook it off, refusing to let her feelings for him cloud her judgment.

  “With our history, what else am I supposed to think? I thought you were going to be my future. I wanted you to be. And you couldn’t run away fast enough. You’ve been that other guy for so many years, a month or two of good doesn’t erase that.”

  “I was only that guy in your head. If you’d given me a chance to be Ella’s father from the start, you would’ve seen a very different version of me.”

  Neither of them really knew how their life together would have played out, though. And just because the hot chocolate made her dream of him didn’t mean they’d live happily ever after. Just that they would love each other, and that wasn’t always enough.

  “Maybe,” Penelope said, the only concession she was willing to make. She walked to the door and twisted the lock. The loud click shot through the silence.

  “So that’s it, just a ‘maybe’?” He met her at the door and stood close enough for her to feel the heat radiating off his skin. He didn’t touch her, though, and she tried to make herself forget how he’d felt beneath her a little while before. “Why did you bring me up to your bedroom then?” he asked, as if reading her thoughts.

  She avoided his eyes, looking instead at the hollow at the base of his throat, the frenetic rise and fall of his chest. “I don’t know. Momentary lapse of sanity. I saw you sleeping there and logic went right out the window.”

  Noah braced his arm against the doorjamb above his head, blocking any attempt she might have made to open the door. “You’re unbelievable. You know that, right?”

  “For being honest with you?”

  “I don’t know what this is. But it sure as hell isn’t honesty.”

  Penelope couldn’t tell him that she’d dreamed of him twice. Not when he’d just admitted her initial dream was why he’d left her in the first place. She might be falling for him again, but she wasn’t stupid enough to confess it a second time.

  “I don’t know what you want from me,” she said after a moment.

  “I want a chance. With you. With Ella.” Noah didn’t bother to whisper this time. His voice was steady, sure. “Even if it’s just for a little while.”

  And there it was. The confirmation she’d been waiting for. No matter what the hot chocolate wanted her to believe, whatever future they had together, it wasn’t forever. She wrapped her arms around her waist, as if that could protect her from the painful truth. “And then what? You’ll go back to your life already in progress while I have to pick up the pieces of mine alone. It’s hard enough knowing that I’m losing Ella. I can’t risk what’s left of my heart too.”

  “Who said I was going back?”

  “Um, everyone.”

  “Not me.”

  “You don’t have to say it. Not when you’re going home every other weekend to keep from losing your job,” Penelope said.

  He lowered his arm and reached for her. She backed away, her eyes flashing an angry warning at him to keep his distance.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but I would’ve told my boss to piss off by now, but he’s a buddy of mine and I don’t really want to burn that bridge if I don’t have to.”

  No. He’d need that bridge to get the hell out of town when he realized this wasn’t what he wanted after all.

  She stepped forward, hand already twisting the doorknob. “Well, it’s a good thing I’m not asking you to then, huh?”

  “It doesn’t mean I’m leaving,” Noah said.

  “It doesn’t mean you’re staying either.” She ignored the way her heart protested by thumping hard in her chest. “If you want a relationship with Ella, I’ll support it one hundred percent. You both deserve a chance to have that while you still can. But any sort of relationship with me is not part of that deal. No more of whatever we’ve been doing for the past few weeks. That’s done.”

  Penelope opened the door and tilted her head up to face him. The disappointment and hurt etched in hard lines on his face sent a wave of regret coursing through her. But she couldn’t give in. She couldn’t let herself want anything more than what he was able to give. And that would never be enough for her.

  33

  He had a kid.

  Shit.

  He had a kid.

  Not only had one, but wanted to have one. Wanted it as much as he’d wanted Penelope before he’d shot that chance to hell by reminding her that she hadn’t wanted him in the same way—despite kissing him like her life depended on it. And while she dug in her heels about not wanting t
o start anything with him, at least she hadn’t made Ella off-limits too.

  Whatever time Ella had left—and God it better be more than Penelope acted like—he would spend it making up for everything he’d missed. With Ella and her stubborn mom.

  “Must’ve been a good night if you’re just getting home,” Tucker said when Noah walked in.

  “It was enlightening, that’s for sure,” Noah said, the words coming out hot and jagged edged. He continued toward the stairs without stopping to see his brother’s reaction.

  “Whoa, hold up a minute. You can’t say that and just walk away.”

  “God, you’re such a girl. Can I at least take a shower before you beg for gossip?”

  Tucker struggled with his crutches, dropping one as he tried to stand. His arm flailed and somehow he managed to hobble his way into Noah’s path. “No, because then you won’t come back out of your room tonight. I’m not letting you leave until you tell me what she did to put you in such a piss-poor mood. And you can call me a girl all you want, but have you forgotten how fast things spread in this town? Everyone’ll know within a few days if something happened between you and Penelope, so you may as well just tell me so I can help do damage control if needed.”

  “Damage control won’t be necessary.” At least Noah didn’t think so. The people in Malarkey were a weird bunch, though. They could blame him for not being around for Ella’s whole life, for leaving Penelope to raise their daughter on her own. If he’d known, he would’ve been there. And now, well, now he just had to prove to Penelope that he wasn’t going anywhere. “But since you’re insisting, no, we didn’t hook up. And yes, I’m probably in love with her. The kid too. So before you can ruin it by being your usual asshole self, I’m going to shower. Then I’m coming back down so we can talk about a few things. Do you think twenty minutes is enough time for you to come up with something halfway supportive to say?”

  “If it’s closing the deal you’re having trouble with, maybe you should lay off the ‘probably’ shit when you throw out the word ‘love’ to a girl.”