Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “Don’t I? You’re really gonna stand there and tell me I don’t know what’s going on with you when I have fucking lived this crap for over twenty fucking years. I saw it then and I’m seeing it now, and God help me I never, ever wanted to be witness to this again but it’s happening, Quinn. It’s fucking happening, and I am not gonna stand by and watch you do this to yourself, not a second time. I don’t have the energy, darlin’, and neither do you because this time – this time he will destroy you. Do you hear me? Are you listening to this? He will take you and break you down until you have nothing…”

  “He isn’t the man he used to be, Harry.”

  Harry threw back his head and laughed. “You’re kidding me, right?” Then he looked at her, his expression suddenly turning serious. “Go home, Quinn. Go home, take your husband to bed and fuck him nine ways ‘til freaking Sunday, until Lukas Drake is out of your system, because I won’t let you go there again. I’m not doing that.”

  She glared at him, and he could see she was fighting back a response. She was tired and emotional and tonight had been a mind-fuck for everyone, but especially for her, and it was more than obvious now that Lukas had played on that. He’d taken advantage, pushed her too far, and she’d teetered on that edge, Harry could see that. He knew. And she’d pulled herself back, OK, that was something, but this was becoming too much now. Too dangerous. Too close to fucking call and he was tired of fighting this shit. But he’d continue to do it until she was free of Lukas Drake. However long it took; whatever it took.

  “In fact, I’m gonna tell you what you’re gonna do now… Quinn? Are you listening to me?”

  Her expression had calmed slightly, but Harry could still sense something dangerous lurking beneath the surface, and it was going to end. Now. Before it spiraled completely out of control.

  “You and Aaron are gonna renew your wedding vows in a secret, so-fucking-romantic-it’d-make-even-old-cynics-like-me-reach-for-the-tissues ceremony, then you’re gonna release a ridiculously intimate photograph of the pair of you enjoying a brief ‘second honeymoon’ to the world’s press, and when you come home you’re gonna act like a couple of rampant teenagers until people are sick of seeing you and your husband with your tongues down each other’s throats. Do you understand me, Quinn?”

  She said nothing. She just stared at him. But he could read her now, she got this.

  “That’s what you’re gonna do. Now.”

  Twenty-Four

  Quinn handed Aaron a mug of coffee and slid down onto the couch beside him, his arm circling her waist, pulling her back against him.

  “Y’know, maybe it isn’t such a crazy idea,” he said quietly, kissing her shoulder as she snuggled back against him. “Us renewing our vows.”

  “You don’t think everyone won’t know it’s staged?”

  “Does it have to be?”

  Quinn pulled back slightly, turning her head to look at him. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, it doesn’t have to be staged. Not if we really want to do it.”

  Quinn frowned, cocking her head a touch in confusion. “Are you saying we should renew our wedding vows anyway?”

  Aaron shrugged. “Why not?”

  “Why not? Because, everyone’s just going to think it’s staged, regardless.”

  “So we, what? Ignore Harry’s advice?”

  Now she was really confused. “Are you telling me you actually want to take it? Because that’d be a first. I thought you’d prefer it if Harry took a step back from our lives.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe this time he’s right. The shit that’s still being written about us, all of us, it’s getting crazier by the day, and maybe us showing everyone out there that we’re a united front – that we’re still very much together, very much in love, maybe that’s the way to go. So maybe Harry’s right.”

  Quinn stood up and walked over to the floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the pool and the gardens; the idyllic secluded terrace to the side of the house that she loved to sit out on and read. Her home. Their home. “But it’d be a lie, Aaron.”

  He didn’t say anything, he stayed silent for a good few beats, but Quinn hadn’t expected any other reaction.

  “What do you mean, Quinn?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “No, you don’t say something like that and not know what it means. What would be a lie?”

  She turned around, her arms crossed against her herself as she looked at her husband. The man who’d saved her. The man who loved her. The man she’d never wanted to hurt…

  “Us. This. Renewing our vows. It’d be a lie, Aaron.”

  He stood up, shaking his head as he walked over to her. “You’re wrong. None of what we are is a lie, Quinn. None of it.”

  “It was only a few days ago that you wanted to move out. You needed some space, that’s what you said, remember? Did you only stay because of what happened in the press? Because they found out about Noah?”

  “No, Quinn, I stayed because I fucking love you.”

  “I love you too, Aaron. I really do.”

  “Then what the hell are we doing having this conversation? Why are we putting ourselves through this shit when all we have to do is…?”

  “Pretend. When all we have to do is pretend. Even you think that’s the way we should go now.”

  Aaron’s expression was one of confusion, he had no idea where she was going with this. And she seemed distant all of a sudden, like she was pulling away; like he was losing her. Again.

  “You trust Harry, don’t you?”

  She looked up at him, her eyes wide, but her expression was almost impassive. “Of course I do. But trusting him and doing everything he says…”

  She trailed off and turned back around, and that only served to confuse Aaron even more.

  “We should get ready. The car’ll be here soon to take us to the studio.”

  “Quinn…”

  He reached out and touched her hip and she swung around, closing her eyes as he kissed her, sliding a hand around the back of his neck as she pushed herself against him.

  “I’m going to get changed.”

  She pulled away but he kept hold of her hand, stopping her from going anywhere. “I love you, Quinn. And we can still get through this, I know we can.”

  She just looked at him, saying nothing, the only response he got was the smallest of smiles before she gently wrenched her hand from his and headed upstairs.

  For ten years Aaron Rogers had loved this woman.

  For ten years she’d loved him back.

  For ten years they’d been solid. Together. But now they were drifting apart. And he wasn’t sure he could save them this time…

  ***

  “So, what are you telling me here, Aaron? You’re just giving up?”

  Harry could feel his ulcer flaring up again, he was sure. He needed to get back in touch with Dr. Goldman, and fast, before it fucking ruptured.

  “She’s still in love with him, Harry. And I thought I could win this fight, y’know? I thought I was strong enough, to do that, but that was before Noah, before all this shit became public. That was before…”

  “And now? Now you’re just not bothered anymore?”

  “Did I fucking say that?”

  “You might as well have done. You almost gave her to him before, Aaron, don’t go down that road again.”

  “I’m already on it, Harry.”

  Harry watched as Aaron got up and walked away, over toward the catering truck situated near the back of the sound stage at Grayson Studios where the final few days of filming were taking place. Location shoots were done, which meant there was greater control over security now they were back on the studio lot. The threat of paparazzi or reporters getting a glimpse of something they hadn’t been invited to capture was less, and that was one saving grace, at least.

  He dropped his head and took a few deep breaths, absent-mindedly stirring his coffee, looking up only when he felt someone sit down opposite him.
“You seen your husband lately?”

  Quinn frowned at him as she took a sip of her drink. “I live with him, I’m working with him, of course I’ve seen him. What’s wrong with you?”

  “What’s wrong with me?” Harry laughed, he couldn’t help it. “Jesus… You given any more thought to those vow renewals?”

  “I’m not doing it.”

  “You’re not…? For Christ’s sake, Quinn, I wasn’t giving you a choice when I suggested that. I was fucking telling you what was gonna happen next.”

  She stared into his eyes, and he could see it, as clear as day. And what he saw, it made him sick to his stomach.

  “I’m not doing something that means nothing, Harry.”

  “Since when did your marriage mean nothing?”

  “Pretending everything is all right – I’m not prepared to do that. Not anymore. This town, it cares more about image, publicity, money-making, more than it does people’s lives. And I’m not doing that, anymore.”

  Harry frowned. What the hell was wrong with her? “Do you want to start speaking some kind of English here because I’m struggling to understand what the fuck you’re talking about.”

  “I love Aaron…”

  “I’m glad to hear it. So go arrange that vow renewal and we can all start to move on.”

  “But I still love Lukas, too. I still love him, Harry.”

  “Oh, Jesus…” Harry sighed, sitting back in his chair, his eyes raised to heaven. He sensed another shit-storm about to happen that he was becoming more and more powerless to control. “You’re killing me here, sweetheart.”

  “I should never have agreed to do this movie, you were right.”

  “Pity you couldn’t have seen that a couple of months ago.”

  “But I can’t reverse that decision. And I can’t forget what’s happened here.”

  Harry sat forward, clasping his hands together on the table, his eyes holding Quinn’s gaze, she needed to understand this. He needed to make her, understand this.

  “Believe me, kiddo, you will feel so much better about everything once shooting here has finished. Just a few more days and we can get out of here, leave Lukas Drake behind, get you and Aaron away from L.A. for a while, and get those vows renewed.”

  “And then come home, and pretend everything’s OK.”

  “Yes… No, Quinn, come on. Since when did you and Aaron ever have to pretend that everything was OK?”

  She briefly dropped her gaze before raising her head and looking straight at Harry. “Since I let Lukas Drake back into our lives.”

  “No. No, it doesn’t have to be that way…”

  “It’s too late.”

  “You’re going back to him?”

  Quinn shook her head, looking back down at her hands cupping her coffee mug. “But I think I need to let Aaron go.”

  “OK. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on with you guys, but I’ve spoken to both of you in the space of ten minutes and what I’m hearing – it’s not making me happy, Quinn. Hearing you both give up like this, it’s not making me happy.”

  “We tried, Harry.”

  “Not hard enough.”

  “He doesn’t deserve this.”

  “Quit with the self-pity and go fight for your husband.” He looked at her, waiting until she lifted her gaze. “Unless you really don’t want to.”

  “He doesn’t deserve this,” she repeated.

  “You need him, Quinn. He saved you.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe it’s time I started saving myself.” She stood up, pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

  “Quinn…”

  “I’m needed in make-up. I’ll see you later, Harry.”

  Harry watched her walk away, slowly shifting his gaze as he noticed Lukas Drake watching her, too, his eyes never leaving her. And Harry knew – he just knew, that history was about to repeat itself.

  ***

  Filming that day had been oddly surreal, for Quinn. Almost a case of art mirroring life as she and Aaron had acted out scenes playing a couple who’d once been close and were now drifting apart. She’d had a feeling, as they were playing those characters, acting out those roles, that they were almost playing it for real, the words they were speaking, the things they were telling each other, it all seemed just a little too heartbreakingly familiar. And how much of that came across on camera she had yet to find out, but it had felt like she and Aaron were airing their innermost thoughts, their most private feelings, for real. Like they were breaking up on screen knowing that, all too soon, that scene would play out in reality.

  She should go home now. It was late, and Aaron had already left, filming had finished earlier for him than it had for her. So he was probably already home. And she should head off there, too, she was tired. It had been a strange day, an emotionally challenging one, and right now all she wanted was bed and sleep and an escape from all of this. But instead she found herself making her way to one of the screening rooms, because she knew he’d be there, checking over the dailies, like he did every night.

  She stood in the doorway and just watched for a few minutes; watched as she and Aaron appeared up there on the screen, and she felt her heart start to shatter as she watched the scene play out. It really did feel all too real, all too final. All too familiar.

  Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, she started walking toward him, glad that he was alone. And as he felt her approach he looked up, and he smiled that smile that had reeled her in from the start as she sat down beside him.

  “You did really good today, Quinn. Really good.”

  She pulled her legs up and hugged her knees to her chest, her eyes fixed on the screen, not on him. She didn’t want to look at him, she wanted to look at the screen.

  “It’s easier to play a part when it’s almost happening for real.”

  Lukas let a couple of loaded beats pass before he spoke again. “That wasn’t acting out there today. Is that what you’re saying?”

  She didn’t respond, didn’t answer his question. She kept her eyes fixed on the screen, barely blinking as she watched a close-up of Aaron’s handsome face, his eyes filled with tears, his pain real and raw and she felt her heart break again.

  “I kept a room, at Harry’s place, at his house in Pacific Palisades. Noah’s room. It’s still there.”

  Lukas looked at her, wishing she’d look at him because it scared him now, how distant she was becoming.

  “It became like a shrine to my baby boy.” She finally turned her head, her eyes locking on his. “Our baby boy. It’s where his ashes are. I couldn’t have them with me, and I know that sounds odd and selfish, that a mother didn’t want the ashes of her dead baby with her…”

  She stopped talking and hung her head, and it was almost as if a wave of exhaustion had rocked her entire body, Lukas could see her shoulders physically sag.

  “I just needed him to have a safe place, somewhere I could go and be with him, whenever I needed to. And I guess I always assumed that, one day, he’d come be with me, but then I met Aaron…” She trailed off again, her head still down, and Lukas ached to touch her, to tell her it was all going to be OK but how could he do that, when he didn’t know if it was going to be. “I fell in love, with Aaron. And I selfishly kept Noah’s existence from him because I was so scared of losing him, of losing that happiness I’d found after all those years of feeling nothing…”

  “Quinn…”

  Her head shot up and she looked at him, and there was something in her eyes that shocked him, an intensity he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen before, but it was also mixed with a pain and a sadness he was becoming all too familiar with.

  “I think you should see it. Noah’s room. You’re his dad, and it’s the closest you’re going to get to meeting him so… You should see it.”

  Lukas smiled faintly, the urge to reach out and touch her still way too strong and far too dangerous.

  “I’d like that.”

  She turned her attention back to the screen, but
he kept his eyes on her.

  “Me and Dawn, we’re getting divorced.”

  She didn’t even flinch at that statement, and Lukas wasn’t quite sure how her indifference made him feel.

  “And she’s OK with that, is she?”

  “I think she realizes – I think we both realize that our marriage was a sham from the start. It never should’ve happened.”

  “A lot of things never should’ve happened, Lukas.” She dropped her head again, breathing in deep before she turned to face him. “Come on. Let’s go.”

  He gathered his things together and followed her out of the screening room. “I’ve just got to go and… Quinn, hold on a second. Please.”

  She stopped walking and swung around to face him, her arms crossed over her chest in what he saw as a defensive stance. Like she was putting up some kind of barrier.

  “What’s happening here?”

  She held his gaze for a few, long seconds before she spoke. And her words were like an ice pick to his heart. “The end.”

  ***

  “What are you doing here, Rita?”

  “Standing on your doorstep, waiting to be let in. Which I’m assuming you’re gonna do, seeing as you opened the gates for me.”

  Aaron stood aside to let Rita through into the hallway.

  “I’m also guessing you’re alone.” She took off her jacket and hung it up, laying her purse down on the table at the bottom of the stairs. “Otherwise I’m sure you wouldn’t have wanted my company.”

  “I’m not all that keen on your company full stop, Rita.”

  “So, why let me in?”

  “Because you’re only gonna persist and become increasingly more irritating if I don’t.”

  She smiled at him before turning and heading in the direction of the kitchen. “You gonna offer me a drink?”

  “What do you want, Rita?” Aaron followed her, opening the fridge and taking out two beers, handing her one. “Because, like I said, I’m not really in the mood for company.”