Letting Go (Vista Falls #3)

by Cheryl Douglas

  “What’s that?” she asked, smiling as she stroked the ever-present stubble on his cheek.

  “I was still in love with you.”

  Her eyes widened as her hand fell to her side. “You what?”

  “You heard me. I was still in love with you.”

  “Then why did you leave?” Now she was even angrier that he’d left… because she’d felt the same way.

  “I was scared, I guess,” he said, looking at something over her shoulder.

  “Scared of what?”

  He swallowed before looking at her. “Being your rebound guy, I think.” Before she could respond, he said, “Put yourself in my position. You hadn’t been divorced all that long. You wanted a night of great sex with a familiar stranger. Someone who could make you feel good about yourself.”

  “But the next morning, I asked you to my cousin’s wedding—”

  “I figured you just didn’t want to go alone.” He brought her hand to his lips. “I got a little crazy that night. After you fell asleep, I sat on the deck watching the sun rise and torturing myself about what had just happened between us.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I wondered if you were thinking of him when you were making love to me. I wondered if it was his name on the tip of your tongue when you came for me.” He dropped his face into the crook of her neck, drawing her closer. “I know it may sound crazy, but he was your husband. Your husband,” he whispered. “God, you don’t know what that does to me.”

  She had no idea that the fact that she’d been married before would even faze Colt, let alone affect him so strongly. She gripped his face, forcing him to look at her. “Hey, I’m almost ashamed to admit this because I know it makes me a terrible person, but the last little while, after I started chatting with Wes on social media and thinking about you more…”

  “Say it. I need to hear you say it.”

  “It’s you I was thinking about when my husband and I—”

  He crushed his mouth to hers, holding the back of her head as he punished her with a kiss. “Don’t say another word about him. I can’t think about him tonight.”

  “But you were the one who brought it up! I still can’t believe you thought you were my rebound guy. Is that really why you left?”

  “It’s one of many reasons.”

  She hated how tortured Colt seemed. If there had been anything she could say or do to ease his stress, she would have. But only time, faith, and trust would help them heal all those old wounds. “We have to start this thing between us with a clean slate. I’m not allowed to bring anyone else into the relationship, and neither are you.”

  Colt smirked. “Who the hell would I bring into this relationship? No one else has ever mattered to me. Only you.”

  Her heart did that crazy little flutter it did every time he said something sweet or sexy or romantic. “Your father, maybe?” She hated to bring him up, especially since it had been such an incredible night.

  “No, I—”

  She touched her fingertips to his lips. “I deserve all of you, and you can’t give me that if part of you is stuck in the past.”

  “I want you to have all of me, baby.” He laid her hand over his heart. “All. Of. Me.”

  “Then let me in.” She thought of her talk with Taylor. “Don’t be afraid to talk to me. Tell me about your childhood. Get it all out there, then we can move on from it. Together. Please, Colt. Do this for me.” This was suddenly more important to her than making love to him tonight because she knew if this conversation went well, they could have the rest of their lives to make love.

  “For you?” He nodded. “Yeah, I’d do anything for you.”

  Tears filled her eyes as she kissed his hand. “Thank you. So can we go back to your room now? To talk?”

  A sexy half smile made her bite her lip. He said, “My story won’t take all night. But what I want to do to you might.”

  “Then what are we waiting for?”

  “Not a damn thing.”

  ***

  They were sitting on the back deck facing the water, two drinks between them, when Gabby reached for Colt’s hand, silently encouraging him to start talking. A few people, Gabby and Wes included, knew bits and pieces of his story, but he’d never told the whole ugly story to anyone. And he was scared. Scared that it would change how she felt about him. He didn’t want her pity, and he didn’t want her to fear that he’d someday morph into his old man if he got a ring on her finger.

  “My earliest memories are of the beatings.”

  Suddenly it was like listening to someone else’s voice tell a story he vaguely remembered hearing years ago. He was disconnected from it. It wasn’t his life but someone else’s. A stranger’s story.

  Gabby’s grip tightened, but she said nothing.

  “He used to beat her for anything and everything. If his dinner was cold or his favorite shirt was dirty. If the kids were crying or the phone rang when he was watching sports on TV. Anything could set him off.”

  “That must have been horrible,” she said, her voice a whisper that slipped away on the breeze.

  “I used to hide in my closet or under my bed. But eventually he came looking for me. I think I was about six the first time he laid a beating on me.”

  Gabby cried out, covering her mouth with her free hand. “I’m sorry. You were so young, just a baby.”

  “My brother and sister were even younger though, so I was glad he didn’t hurt them. I wasn’t very old, but I remember thinking I didn’t want him to hurt them. I could take it. They couldn’t.”

  “Did your mother ever report him or try to leave?”

  “No, and I hated her for that.” Colt used to hate his mother with such intensity that it had scared him. When he saw her again, he’d expected all that bitterness and resentment to come rushing back. But after hearing her story, he saw her as a victim, not an enabler. She’d just lacked the resources and support she needed to help herself and her children. “I thought it was her job to protect us… and herself. The older I got, the more I wondered how she could let him get away with that. What was wrong with her?”

  “That’s why I was never allowed to come to your house?”

  “Yeah.” He’d been ashamed of that house of secrets. Everyone knew his father was an evil bastard, and they all suspected he beat his wife and children, but no one dared to ask. They all looked the other way and pretended they didn’t see the ugly bruises.

  “Those bruises,” she said, as though reading his mind. “The ones you said you got during football practice.”

  “Football.” He sneered, reaching for his beer bottle. “I figured out, I guess around my freshman year, that football would be the perfect cover story. It also gave me an excuse to hurt other guys the way he hurt me.”

  She shifted her body to face him, tucking her legs under her. “Did he go on hurting you right up until you left?”

  Colt barked out a laugh as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Hell no. By my sophomore year, he knew I could take him. I didn’t want to come to blows with him. I always tried to avoid it, but sometimes he wouldn’t let me.”

  “Those bruises I saw on your ribs and—”

  He shrugged. “Sometimes he’d use weapons. I remember once he broke a chair over my back… a bottle over the back of my head…” Gabby gasped, and Colt kissed her hand. “Sorry, you really don’t need to hear all this shit. Suffice it to say he was a mean son of a bitch who made all of our lives miserable.”

  “Then why are you still taking care of him?”

  “Maybe I want to be a better man than he was and this is my way of proving that.” Colt justified paying for his father’s care a dozen ways, but he suspected that that was the real reason he did it. “I’m not even sure that makes sense.”

  “It makes perfect sense. But you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Everyone knows you’re a thousand times the man he was.”

  “Thanks.” He rolled his head to the side, looking a
t her. “You were the one bright spot in my shitty life. Sometimes I thought about ending it all, but I couldn’t. Because of you. You saved me.”

  “What?” she asked, looking horrified. “You actually thought about taking your own life?”

  “Come on, Gabby, can you blame me? I would never do that now—with or without you—but back then, not only was I living a nightmare, but I had no real prospects.”

  “You had me and a scholarships and—”

  “You know school was never really my thing. But you were.”

  She tried to smile, but her lips trembled. “You were my thing too. I wish I’d known what you were going through. Maybe I could have helped.”

  “You did help. Just having you in my life helped.” He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “I never got to thank you for that. You saw me through the darkest time of my life.”

  “Then things did get better when you left here?”

  “Definitely, but my brother and sister were still here. I hated that. I wanted to take them with me, to save them somehow, but I couldn’t. I could barely take care of myself, let alone two other people.”

  “It makes more sense now, why you had to get away.”

  “The night I left, that was probably the worst fight we ever had. I beat him up pretty badly. I wanted to kill him.” The scene played out when he closed his eyes. His mother screaming. His brother trying to pull him off. His sister holding the phone, threatening to call the police. “He was lying on the kitchen floor, almost lifeless, and I kept kicking him with everything I had.”

  “Wow.” She released a slow, shaky breath. “I had no idea.”

  “My mother pulled me outside and told me to just go. She said if I stayed, I would eventually kill him and then I’d spend the rest of my life in prison. She told me he wasn’t worth it.” His voice was monotone—no inflection, no emotion, just the facts. It was as though the pain was someone else’s. Not his. Not anymore. “She was right. He wasn’t worth it.”

  “So that’s why you left so suddenly?”

  “I would have given anything to kiss you one more time, but I couldn’t show up at your house covered in his blood. Your parents would have called the cops for sure.”

  “How did you get the note to Katie to give to me?”

  “I drove to the parking lot where everyone hung out and called her over to the car. I gave her the note and asked her to give it to you.”

  “But why’d you let me go on believing that you chose to leave without saying good-bye? I was so mad at you.” She wiped away a tear as it slid down her cheek. “I swear I thought I hated you.”

  “I knew you would.” He brushed away another one of her tears with his thumb. “I thought that would make it easier for you to forget me.”

  “So let me get this straight,” she said, raising her hand. “You did that for me?”

  “Yup. But the last time, a year ago, was strictly self-preservation. I couldn’t be your rebound guy, Gab. That would’ve killed me.”

  “I can’t even believe you thought that for a second, you dumbass.” She shoved his shoulder, making him chuckle.

  “Still, you needed a little more time to heal, didn’t you? After the divorce and miscarriage?”

  “I guess I did.” She took the beer he was holding and set it on the table between them before she stood. “But um…” She sat in his lap, straddling him. “I’m all healed now.”

  His eyes dipped to her cleavage. “Yeah, I noticed.” He brushed her hair back then kissed her neck as his hands cupped her ass. “You’ve never looked better, never felt better…” His tongue trailed down her neck, and he suckled lightly before nipping. “Never tasted better.”

  “Never been more ready for you.” She tipped his head back, forcing him to look at her. “I mean it, you know. I’m ready for you. I’m ready for us this time, and I’m not letting you run away again. Not for your benefit and not for mine.”

  “Good to know.” Not even a crowbar could have pried him away from her now. “You know what this means, don’t you?”

  “What?”

  “You’re mine, Gabby. I can’t let anyone else have you. Ever again.”

  She shuddered before curling her arms around him and burying her head in his neck. “I love you.”

  He held her tightly, afraid to let go. He didn’t want to wake up to find this was another dream that would inevitably break his heart. “I love you too, sweetheart.”

  “You don’t have to say that just because—”

  “Hey.” He gripped her chin, forcing her to face him. “I. Love. You. I love the girl you were, the woman are you, and the old bag you’ll be fifty years from now.”

  “Hey!” She laughed even as tears slipped down her cheeks. “Fifty years is a long time, especially for a guy who doesn’t like to think about the future.”

  “It’s hard not to think about the future when you’re stamped all over it.”

  “Meaning?” she asked, trying to keep a straight face.

  “I see all kinds of crazy things when I think about you. Things I never thought I’d see.”

  “Oh yeah? Like what?”

  He held up her bare hand. “I’m seeing a big ol’ diamond on this pretty little finger.”

  Her hands curled around his shoulders. “What else?”

  “I’m seeing the most beautiful girl I know in a long white wedding dress with her best friend by her side.” Seeing their life unfolding was suddenly so easy. All of the things that he’d been afraid of were now beckoning to him. His hands trailed down her body, his thumbs brushing her peaked nipples before his hands wrapped around her waist. He rubbed her belly with his thumbs. “Hmm, and I can see this sexy belly of yours all big and round—”

  “Don’t!” She jumped up so suddenly she almost fell backward, prompting him to grab her so she wouldn’t hit her head.

  “Hey, what did I say?”

  She turned away from him, facing the lake as her whole body trembled. Her tears weren’t the happy tears she’d shed earlier. They weren’t even the pity tears she’d cried for him. These were the gut-wrenching kind that tore out his heart.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

  “I can’t.” She shook her head, pressing her fist against her mouth. “I can’t let myself think about that again.”

  “What? Getting pregnant?”

  “I can’t.” She shook her head furiously, her long hair flying out around her. “I won’t.”

  Colt didn’t know what to say, but he couldn’t allow her to go on suffering alone. He felt physically sick when he thought about what she’d lost and the man who’d been there to grieve with her, but she’d forced him to open up, so he had to do the same. “Tell me about it. Tell me what losing the baby did to you.”

  “A part of me died.” She said it so simply, as though it happened every day. “I loved her so much.” She sucked in a breath. “I spent hours thinking about what she’d look like, how she’d sound, her smile…” She smiled. “I was making her this little pink dress…”

  He pulled her into his arms, letting her cry on his chest while he stroked her hair. “You knew she was going to be a girl?”

  She sniffled before looking up at him. “I even knew that I wanted to name her Annabella after my grandmother. We’d call her Bella for short.”

  Colt swallowed, trying to find the right words. He hadn’t expected to have this conversation tonight and felt ill-equipped to deal with it. He’d never been good at dealing with emotions: his or someone else’s.

  “I’m sorry.” She shook her head, turning away from him. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear about this—”

  “I do.” He pulled her back against his chest. “I really do. I just don’t know how to make you feel better.”

  “This makes me feel better,” she said, turning her head so her chest was resting against his shoulder. “Having your arms around me, feeling your heartbeat… that makes me feel better. It reminds me that you’re her
e for me.”

  “I am here, baby.” He kissed the top of her head. “And I know this may be hard for you to believe, but I’m not going anywhere. Not this time.”

  She released a trembling breath as she curled her hands around his wrists. “I’m sorry I freaked out like that. I just don’t let myself think about the miscarriage very often, and when I do, I usually lose it.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “I don’t think I could handle losing your baby. That would kill me.”

  Colt could have sworn his heart stopped beating. His baby. Gabby pregnant with his baby… “God willing, we’ll never have to face that.” Because it would kill him too.

  “What if there’s something wrong with me?” she whispered. “The doctors didn’t find any evidence there was, but what if—”

  “Then we’ll deal with it.” Colt didn’t know how he’d gone from flying solo to being part of a couple in the blink of an eye, but it felt right. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through it. Together.”

  She turned to face him, her cheeks still damp. “I’m scared.”

  “So am I, sweetheart.” He closed his eyes as he kissed her, knowing they both needed a reprieve from the fear in each other’s eyes.

  Chapter Eleven

  Gabby’s doubts were a deafening chorus as Colt took off her clothes, slowly kissing every inch of her. She was embarrassed when she started trembling and closed her eyes to avoid the questions in his eyes.

  “Hey, what’s going on?”

  She shook her head, trying to deny the truth, and she pinched her lips closed to keep it from slipping out. She didn’t want anything to ruin this moment, but the past was rearing its ugly head, and she didn’t know if she could contain it. She kept reminding herself that Colt had had valid reasons for leaving before and he wasn’t going to leave her again. He’d promised. Hadn’t he? But could she believe him?

  “Talk to me, Gabrielle.” His voice was a husky whisper as he brushed her hair off her face. “Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

  Putting pressure on a guy like Colt was the kiss of death, even after the talk they’d had tonight. “I just want this to work, I guess. And I’m scared it won’t.”