by J. Saman
I shake my head. “I need a minute.” I get up and run past him, through my room and into my bathroom. Slamming the door with more force than I intend to, I lock it and slide to the floor, leaning against the thick wooden door.
Covering my face with my hands, I weep.
I sob. Big, ugly tears that are not muffled by my hands the way I was hoping they would be. I’m the worst person in the world. I’ve been so selfish with him. So angry. First for leaving me, then for not getting in touch with me when he knew where I was. He’d just lost his mother and was caring for a sick little girl.
I don’t know how to handle this.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
The knock on the door vibrates through my body, bouncing my head forward. “Lara, open the door, baby. Please,” he adds in a pleading tone.
I’m such a shit.
I pull myself up, turn on the faucet and splash some cold water over my face. That helps a little. Sighing out I unlock the door, opening it. Levi has stepped away and is now idling in the middle of my bedroom. He’s eyeing me warily, like he’s not sure how I’m going to react to him.
He’s so tall.
How weird is that? All of the crazy things he just told me, and that’s what goes through my head. I cross the four steps over to him and throw my arms around his neck, burying my face into his chest. My body shudders as he wraps his arms around me, tucking his head into my hair and breathing me in. “I’m sorry baby, so very sorry.”
I squeeze him tighter. “Do not ever apologize to me again. It makes me sick that you feel like you need to. If anyone is sorry, it’s me.” He shakes his head against my neck. “No. It is. I understand now why you didn’t come to me. I do, and I’m sorry for not hearing you out sooner.”
“I wanted to come to you. To get you back,” he whispers in my hair. “I did. So many times. But I couldn’t talk to you, Lara. I couldn’t bring you into my life while Tanya was so fragile. She never would have been able to handle that, and she needed all of my attention. I kept seeking you out, trying to get in your line of sight, thinking that if you saw me then you’d come to me and it would be out of my control. You never did, and by the time Tanya was stable enough for you to be part of my life, you were dating someone else.”
I tighten my hold on him, shaking through my tears.
“You love him.”
It’s not a question. It feels almost accusatory actually. I pull back, wiping my cheeks with both of my hands and nod. I’m not going to lie to him. I do love Tom. All of this crap with Levi doesn’t change my feelings for Tom.
It just changes my feelings for Levi.
I sit on the edge of my bed, him sitting next to me. Both of us quiet. Thinking.
“What do you want, Lara?” he asks reluctantly after a minute. Or maybe I’m the reluctant one, because I have no idea anymore.
“What are my options?” I ask, and then chuckle because that’s a ridiculous answer. He laughs with me and it feels good to laugh, despite the seriousness of what we’re talking about.
“I suppose that depends on a few different factors.”
I nod, but my phone rings, interrupting us. I sigh, turn around and crawl on all fours across my bed to my nightstand where my phone is still resting on top. I flop back against my pillow and headboard to pick it up.
Tom, naturally.
I look up at Levi quickly and given his expression, he knows who’s calling me. I swipe my finger across the screen. “Hey.” I look over at my Star Wars clock and see that it’s after seven.
“Hey, yourself,” he says, mocking what I always say to him. “Are you still planning on coming around tonight?” he asks. He’s sounding so happy. Normal. Unknowing.
“Um. Yeah. I am. Not sure what time, though. Is that okay?”
“Of course,” he hesitates. “Are you all right, love? You sound a bit...dicky.”
I snort. “What?”
He chuckles. “It means ill. Your voice sounds off.”
“Oh. That is so not what I thought you meant.” I smile. “I’m fine. Just tired is all.”
“I’m sure you are.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “Just ring before you leave and I’ll send Ivan to fetch you. I don’t want you taking the bus this late.” He’s so considerate. I feel like a lying bitch. I have a man in my room, on my bed asking me what I want from him.
Could I be anymore horrible?
“I can take a cab,” I tell him.
“No, it’s monkey’s outside. I’ll send Ivan. Message me and he’ll be there. See you in a bit. Love you.” I smile because I actually know that when he says it’s monkey’s outside, it means it’s cold. I learned that one our first winter together.
Still, it’s hard to keep up with his British-isms.
It’s like a new language.
One I’ll have to learn.
“You too,” I tell him and hang up. I put my phone down, leaning my head against the fabric of the headboard. Levi is facing forward not looking at me. “Sorry,” I tell his back. He nods his head, but doesn’t turn to me. I hate the idea of hurting him. It’s certainly not my intention. He takes off his shoes suddenly, turns and climbs towards me on the bed. My breath catches and my eyes widen in surprise. I have no idea what he’s doing.
Seeing my reaction, he smirks as he continues crawling towards me predatorily. As he approaches, his smile widens, but just before he enters my personal space, he flips over, sitting next to me at the head of my bed. “Got your heart racing there for a minute, didn’t I?” he teases.
“Such a dick,” I mutter.
“I’m willing to show you just what a dick I can be.” Apparently he never changes.
I smack his chest. “Asshole.” He lets out an oomph, followed by a laugh.
“Are you really moving to London with him?” he asks, ending any levity we just had. I turn to him, but his expression is unreadable.
Am I going to London with Tom?
It’s a really good question. If I don’t go then I’m essentially ending things with him, and I don’t want that. I know I don’t.
I still have feelings for Levi.
I know this too.
I always have.
They may have been dormant, but they’re there, under the surface. What do I do about that? Do I want to try with him again, unsure as to how his sister will react to me? Knowing that he could leave New York again for his work? His first priority would always be Tanya, which is how it should be. He’s responsible for a minor child.
“Are you, Lara?” he prompts, since I never answered him.
“Yes,” I whisper. I feel so much pain from that one little word. That one word signifies the official end to us. I suck in a huge breath that resonates inside of me.
The closure I was seeking suddenly feels more like a big gaping wound.
“Hey,” Levi pulls me to him, wiping my tears with his thumbs. “It’s okay, baby. It is. You deserve to be happy.”
I sob. “So do you. You’ve had so much pain all these years and all I want is to make it better. Make it go away.” He kisses my head as I lay crying against his chest. He smells the same. That damn stupid aftershave that I bought him all those years ago. He feels the same, but different too—stronger, bigger, more manly.
He feels good.
He feels…like home.
“When do you leave?” he asks instead.
“May. After I graduate.”
“Huh.”
“What?” I ask, unable to pull myself away from his chest or his embrace. He runs his fingers through my hair, almost absentmindedly.
“I’m surprised his company is waiting that long, is all. I’d think they would’ve sent him sooner.” I’ve noticed that he never says Tom’s name. Like it somehow makes him less real if he doesn’t.
“They’re not. Tom leaves in a couple of weeks. I’m going to meet him there.” I feel him nod against my head. His heart is pounding against my ear and I wonder if it’s our closeness or our conversa
tion that causing it.
I used to spend hours just listening to his heartbeat. Memorizing its rhythm. It was my home. My true north. Now I’m feeling so lost. So out of sorts and if I’m honest, completely heartbroken. Again.
I don’t know what that means and I don’t intend to read too much into it either.
The time for introspection and second guessing is over.
“Do you think we can be friends then?” I laugh out because his question seems like the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. “I’m serious. I want you in my life again and I’ll take you however I can get you.”
I finally manage to pull away and give him my most dubious look as I point at his chest. “You want to be my friend?”
He laughs. “Yeah. I do. Are you saying you don’t think you can be my friend?” He raises an eyebrow.
I bite my lip to hide my smile. “Sure, Levi. I’d love to be your friend.”
“Awesome,” he chuckles still playing with my hair which doesn’t feel very friendly at all. “This will be new for us. We were never friends before you know?”
I nod. He’s right. We were never friends before we were more. We went from strangers to a couple almost overnight. Though I did resist a bit at first.
I smile at the memory.
“Well then, friend, I’m going to go because I can’t sit on your bed with you anymore without wanting to ruin our newly acquired friendship.”
I smack him in the chest again, but climb off the bed because he’s right. It’s inappropriate.
He smiles, standing up so tall in front of me. “You’re so freaking tall now, Levi. I’m going to get a crick in my neck every time I look at you.”
He shakes his head smiling. “It’s not my fault you’re so short.”
“Asshole.” I lead him towards my front door, but pause before opening it. I’m suddenly a bit overwhelmed. I went from hating him to being his friend so quickly.
Worst of all, I still absolutely love him. I won’t tell him that, but there is no point in lying to myself about it either.
“Can you find a night to have dinner at my place?” I open my mouth to tell him how that’s not a good idea, but he cuts me off. “I’d like you to meet Tanya. She’s heard a lot about you.”
I sigh, rubbing my hands up and down my face. I can’t say no to that. “Sure. Just tell me when and I’ll be there. I’d love to meet Tanya.”
16
Levi
Seven years ago
My plan is set. After a lot of digging and even more money, I know where he’s hiding. More importantly, I know where he’s hiding my sister. The motherfucker, who calls himself my father, stole her from us almost four years ago and it is time I took her back.
He’s ruined her life. Everyone’s life. I’m going to kill the son-of-a-bitch or die trying. I have a good plan. No, scratch that, a fucking great plan. It should work. I’m not even scared about going after him.
No, the one thing that terrifies me is asleep in the bed next to me. Breathing those sweet breaths and making those soft noises she makes when she’s having a good dream. I’d like to be so arrogant as to think it’s about me, but I doubt it is.
She’s going to hate me after tonight, and that very thought has me laying here much longer than I should be. I’m supposed to be gone already, in the car I procured for the very long drive across the country. I could fly, but that’s much more traceable than driving.
I was advised against flying.
I was supposed to leave right after she fell asleep, but here I am three hours later, unable to tear myself away from my girl. I want to tell her. I want her to know everything so that when she wakes up alone she doesn’t feel the pain I know she’s going to.
I want her to know how much I love her, instead of questioning it.
She is going to question it. She’s going to question everything I’ve done and said over the last year and a half. Analyze every moment we were together looking for the reason that I left her without a word in the middle of the night. I bring my fist to my chest, trying to rub away the ache that’s been residing in there for the last two weeks.
Why can’t I just tell her? Ask her to wait for me and never give up?
Because if I fail, the motherfucker will come after her. If he’s onto me, he’ll come after her.
I sigh out, back to trying to make myself get out of this bed with her being none the wiser. She smiles in her sleep with a sweet sigh as she rolls over to me like she knows I’m thinking all kinds of things about her.
I run my fingers through her long, silky dark hair.
I can’t help myself.
She moans in her sleep and my cock springs to attention. I made love to her last night before she fell asleep, and I told myself I could walk away after it.
I can’t.
I need one more time before I’m done.
I know how stupid that rationalization is. I’ll never be done with her. I’ll never have enough, because every time with her is better than the last. I never thought something like that was possible, but it’s true.
She’s incredible.
She’s my everything and I’m leaving her behind.
Fuck, I’m sick with this.
I don’t think I can live without her. Tanya, remember Tanya.
And I do remember her. She’s the reason I’m leaving Lara behind.
Tanya needs me more than Lara does, and that’s all there is to it. I’ll live with the consequences of my actions because sometimes, shit is way bigger than yourself and this is one of those times.
The moon is shining in through her window, making her alabaster skin glow. She takes my breath away. I roll on top of her and she barely stirs. She’s a ridiculously heavy sleeper.
Something I’m counting on.
“Lara, baby, wake up,” I whisper, running kisses along her neck the way she likes.
“Mmm,” is her only reply.
“Open your eyes for me, baby. I need you.”
“What’s wrong?” she mumbles half asleep, as she moves her head to give me better access to her neck. It makes me grin. This girl totally does it for me.
“I love you, Lara. So fucking much. Do you know that, baby? Tell me you know how much I love you.” I’m pleading now. Even I can hear the desperation in my voice.
She opens those incredible green orbs to me and smiles. My chest tightens and my breath catches. I don’t know if I can do this. If I can leave her. Reaching up with her hand, she cups my face gently, playing with the stubble she likes so much.
It’s heaven.
It’s hell.
“I know you love me. I love you too. What’s going on?” She turns her head to try and see the alarm clock. “What time is it?”
I run my fingers across her jaw and into her hair. “It’s late, or early. Depends on how you look at it.” I lean in kissing her full lips. “If you forget everything else, please promise me that you’ll always know how much I love you. Have always loved you, and will always love you.” I’m laying it on thick and she may ask me her typical, what the fuck, but I need this.
I need this or I can’t leave her.
She looks concerned. Eyes me for a minute, seeing if I’ll elaborate on my plea, but when I don’t, she nods her head. “I promise,” Lara whispers quietly, and I sigh. It’s enough. It has to be enough. I skim my hand down her ribs, over her taut stomach until I reach the edge of her panties.
Lara only ever sleeps in her panties, and it’s the sexiest thing in the world.
Her eyes are fixed on mine. She’s watching closely, knowing something is off with me, but I don’t have the luxury of time here. I need her, and then I need to leave her, and that has to happen now. Leaning in to kiss her incredible mouth a little deeper, I slowly explore her with my tongue. I pull away, kissing a trail down her jaw, neck, breasts, stomach and finally down to where I want to be.
Where I want to live for eternity. It makes me think of Shakespeare when he wrote, I will live in thy heart, di
e in thy lap, and be buried in thy eyes. I think that pretty much sums up how I feel about Lara.
I slide her panties down over her ankles, bringing one of her amazing legs over my shoulder. She squirms and whimpers a little as I kiss a trail up her inner thigh until I reach my destination.
She’s already so wet for me. My girl is always ready.
It makes me sigh.
I can’t even explain how much I love that.
She moans and arches her back off the bed as I lick and suck at her sweetness. Perfect. I take in everything I can. Her noises, her taste, her movements, and her smell. I commit it all to memory.
Imprint it in my brain.
My photographic memory is coming in handy for something other than school.
She comes on my tongue, and before she can slow down from her high, I’m inside of her. No condom. Nothing between us. Even though she’s on the pill, we don’t do this often. She’s a total safety nut, but I don’t care. Tonight she’s mine one last time and there can be no barrier.
Throwing her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist, she kisses along my collarbone. For some reason this drives me wild and I groan into her. She feels so good, so right as I thrust, desperate to get deeper. She comes again, crying out my name on a chant and before I can help myself I come with her.
We’re breathless and panting, and smiling and laughing. I look down at her beneath me and burn this image into my brain too. This is how I want to remember her.
Happy, sated and in love with me.
I kiss her, conveying everything I feel, and then pull away, rolling off and back onto my side of her bed.
“I’m not sure what just came over you, but I’m certainly not complaining. You can wake me up like that anytime,” she teases, and I wince. Giggling, she gets out of bed and walks into the bathroom, naked.