by J. Saman
I run my hands over my face, taking deep breath after deep breath. Steeling myself for something I’m sure will kill me. All too soon she returns to bed, gives me a tender kiss and then rolls over to go back to sleep.
“I love you, Levi,” she whispers shortly before falling back under.
My eyes scrunch shut and my hand reflexively goes to my chest. “I love you too, baby. Forever,” I whisper back, my words catching. She doesn’t notice. She’s already asleep.
Leaning down, I take one last breath of her lavender-vanilla scent and get out of bed. I dress quickly in the clothes I had laid out, steal the picture of us from her dresser and head out of her bedroom.
She doesn’t stir.
I can’t even look at her before I leave. If I look one last time, I’ll never go.
I open her front door quietly, mindful of the squeaking point, lock it back up with my key and step into the freezing January air. It’s a dark cold night, but it’s clear and the stars are out in full force. I walk the one block down and two over to where I parked my new, old, nondescript car. My chest is aching and my stomach is in knots. I’m panting and everything inside of me is screaming for me to go back.
But I don’t.
I keep going because Tanya needs me. Tanya needs me and I’m fucked because I realize in this moment that the love of my life will eventually move on and find another man.
I’ll never move on. I left my heart in that bed, tucked in beside her.
17
Levi leaves, and I text Tom that I’m ready for Ivan the Great to pick me up. I’m not ready, but I need to go and have this talk with Tom. I’m going to London with him.
I’m in love with Tom.
I’m also in love with Levi.
Of those two things, I’m certain. I’ve always loved Levi and that hasn’t changed. It’s just been buried, replaced by hate and anger over him leaving me the way he did. I get it now. He had no choice in his leaving and I would never sacrifice Tanya in order to have kept Levi.
Never.
So where does that leave us?
It leaves us as friends. He didn’t ask me to be with him. Didn’t even hint at it. No crazy ultimatums or choices to be made. In fact, he’s the one who brought up being friends, so that’s what we’ll be. Friends. It’s such a strange concept considering how much Levi and I loved each other.
Apparently he’s over it, moved on from that.
Friends.
I can do friends. Right?
Totally. I’m an awesome friend. While I wait for Ivan to show up, I talk to my high school bestie, Siana, and tell her all about Levi. She informs that she knew he was in town through Caleb, but never had the heart to tell me. Super. I can’t really blame her, she was just watching out for me. I think I would have shit a reindeer if I knew he was here before he came to see me.
Ivan pulls up, I say bye to Siana and my life moves forward in the direction of Tom and London. The ride over is quiet, but short, and before I know it, Tom is pulling me through his door and into his arms.
“I’m so glad you’re finally here. I’ve been going mad since I saw your note.”
I laugh because he does look a little frazzled and that’s not is his norm. At all. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”
He kisses me softly and pulls me over to the couch in front of the blazing fireplace. I love his apartment. It may be a loft and open with a lot of hard surfaces, but it’s also warm and cozy.
“Do you want a drink or anything to eat?” he asks, standing over me.
I didn’t really eat much tonight, but I don’t think I can manage it now either. Drinking is out of the question. “No, I’m good. Come sit with me. I have a lot to say.”
He nods, seeming nervous as hell. Poor guy. He’s so damn cute when he’s nervous.
His blue eyes take me in as he sits down next to me, pulling my legs onto his lap and gently rubbing his fingers over my jeans. My heart starts to speed up and my palms are clammy.
I’m nervous too. It’s a huge step for me.
If I’m being honest, I’m also a little hurt that Levi didn’t try to put up a fight. Nothing. Just said let’s be friends with a smile and that was that.
It stung.
I’m not gonna lie, it absolutely did.
I push that aside. It’s not really important right now.
“I’ve decided that I want to move to London with you.”
His smile is positively glowing. Like full, megawatt, Times Square vibrant. It’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him and in this moment, I know I’m making the right choice in going.
“Say it again.”
I laugh, reaching out to cup his cheek. “I’m going to London with you, Tom.”
He dives at me now, covering my small body with his large one. He’s laughing and kissing me all over like he can’t believe I actually said this.
He’s giddy and it’s infectious.
“I’m so happy right now I can’t even tell you. It’s going to be brilliant, you’ll see.”
I nod, but push him back all the same. I’m far from done and he needs to listen. His smile falters, but only a little “I know it will be. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do with myself after I’ve taken the boards, but I’ll figure something out, and by that point it will only be like six months of doing nothing.”
He nods. “We’ll come home in August for your exam, and maybe to celebrate your passing we’ll go on a romantic holiday somewhere.”
“I’d love that.” I smile. I can’t remember the last time I went on a real vacation.
“You’ve just made my whole year, Lara Gould.” He leans in and kisses me, but I pull away before we can get too carried away.
“Tom,” I start, biting my lip. Do I need to tell him about Levi now that we’re just friends? Yeah, I think I do. “I have a lot more to tell you, okay?” He nods trying to contain his grin and failing miserable. “This is not about our move, though.” He turns, positioning us closer together, taking my hands in his. He’s trying to reassure me and I didn’t realize how much I needed that until this moment. “Do you remember a while ago when I told you about my ex boyfriend?”
His forehead creases confused by my random topic changer. “Yes, of course. You said he did a real number on you after he picked up and left.”
I nod. “Yeah. Well, he’s a medical student at my hospital.” His eyes widen in shock. “I saw him for the first time last week. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I was still thinking over the whole London thing and I didn’t want his being back to be an issue.” Does that make any sense?
Given his confused expression, I don’t think so.
“Is he back?”
I realize what he’s asking and even though I just told him I was moving to London with him, I see the doubt and insecurity in his eyes.
“In the sense that he’s around now whereas before he wasn’t,” I sigh, running my hands over my face. “I’m not saying this the way I want to,” I huff, slapping my hands down on my thighs. “Okay, he and I talked a lot and I cannot tell you the specifics because they are personal to him and his family and it wouldn’t be right to tell you. That said, he and I are just friends now. Nothing more.”
“You’ve been talking to him? Your ex-boyfriend? And you didn’t tell me this because you didn’t want to upset me?” The way he says that sounds bad.
“We’re just friends now,” I reiterate, because really, I have no defense.
He nods. “Right,” he draws out the word. “Who is he?”
I cringe. “You met him. He was the guy who came out to fetch me about a patient when we were standing in the snow on Sunday. Remember?”
He nods. “Yeah. Why didn’t you tell me then?”
“Because I was hating on him big time and I didn’t want to upset you. Now I understand what happened, I finally have some closure on things.” He’s eyeing me like a hurt puppy. Dammit, I suck at this. I reach out and cup his face in my hands. “An
yway, I’m only telling you this now because I don’t want to keep secrets from you. If you had an ex in your life, I’d want to know about it. I love you, Tom, and I’m coming to London with you and all that entails. Okay?”
“Right. Got it.” He’s trying for nonchalant, but I know this bothers him. How could it not? If our roles were reversed I’d go bat shit crazy on him and quite possibly Single White Female on her ass. The stalking part, not the matching hair and clothes thing.
“Now,” I continue like the whole Levi conversation never happened. “I’ve also decided that I’m going to keep my apartment. I told Amara she could rent it out if she wants, but if not, I’m going to give her money to cover my half of things.”
“Sounds reasonable.”
“Yeah, you say that now, but I’m not done.”
He squeezes me a little before pulling back and standing. “I’m going to grab a drink. You want anything?” he asks sharply.
I sigh. “Some water would be good. Thanks.”
He nods and then walks across his massive living room over into his kitchen. It’s open concept, so technically I could tell him the rest, but I’d have to shout for him to hear me and something tells me he needs this moment to himself. He returns a few minutes later with my water and three fingers of a scotch for himself.
Apparently I drive my boyfriend to drink. Awesome.
I take a sip of my water as he sits down close, but not as close to me as he was before. I can’t have that. I need to reassure him the way he did for me. I crawl onto his lap, putting my hands on his shoulders. “Tom. I didn’t mean to freak you out or ruin this. This is a happy thing here. A big thing that I’m excited about doing with you. We’re moving to London together.” I smile wide showing him how I really feel about this.
“You’re right. Sorry. I am beyond thrilled. Truly.” He sighs. “What else did you want to say to me?” He doesn’t sound so thrilled. I figure he’ll get there.
“I don’t want you to pay for everything for me when we’re there.” He opens his mouth to object, but I shake my head stopping him. “Let me finish, please.” He gives me the go-ahead so I continue. “I understand that your company will pay for our living expenses, that’s fine, but I can’t let you pay for all of my food or shopping or whatever the fuck I do with myself. I need to feel like I still have some of my independence.”
He laughs, sounding and looking lighter than he did only a few moments ago. “Of course, dove. I’m good with whatever you need for this to work for you. If you want your mum and dad to fly out. Amara, Siana, whoever. I’m happy with all of it. You want to spend your days shopping with your money, fine.” I smile and hug him tightly, making him chuckle and nearly spill his drink. “That said love, I want to spend money on you and I will need you to let me. You won’t be working while we’re there.”
“That’s totally a deal.”
“Brilliant.” We hug and kiss for a few minutes, just enjoying the high of our new adventure together.
He tells me of the apartment. We’ll live in Primrose Hill, which is close to central London, but apparently doesn’t feel as crazy and hectic. He can drive in easily to work, it’s close to the tube for me and it’s got a really nice park view. It all sounds great, but means very little until I see it.
I’ve never been to London, but from what I’ve heard it’s like a more spread out version of New York, only older and with worse weather. Thankfully by the time I get there, I’ll have missed most of the rainy season. Yay me. Snow may be my friend, but rain most certainly is not.
I’m feeling good. Happy. Talking to Tom about Levi was a positive thing and went easier than I’d hoped. Tom hasn’t mentioned anything else about him. In fact, he didn’t really ask me too much about him when I told him.
Sorta strange, right?
I kind of expected more of a discussion about him. At the very least some questions. I got nothing, but I shouldn’t really be looking a gift horse in the mouth. I don’t want to talk about Levi too much. I feel like that’s something private and still requires further analysis.
“I got you something,” Tom whispers into my hair.
“What?” I groan. I hate it when he surprises me with shit. I realize how off that sounds, but I do. I’ve never been good with people buying me presents and even though I know Tom loves to spoil me, I rarely let him.
He chuckles, moving me off his lap as he walks over to a dark wood table in his foyer. Opening a drawer, he pulls out a plastic bag, carrying it back over to me with a big grin. He’s enjoying my discomfort a little too much.
“Open it up.” He tosses the bag onto the couch next to me. The plastic crinkles as I pull out a box that appears to hold the latest iPhone in it. I look at the box bewildered and then back up to him.
“What the fuck Chuck?”
He laughs sitting down next to me, opening the box and pulling out a sleek white phone. “It’s so we can chat when I’m back in Britain. I don’t want to tally up a large expense on your bill.”
“Wow. Thanks.” I smile hitting the home button and admiring its shiny newness. “This is great.”
He runs his finger over his lip and nods to the bag again. “There’s more in there, love.”
Throwing him a look, I open the bag again to see a new iPad I apparently missed the first time around. “Jesus, Tom.” I shake my head. “This is too much.”
“No, this way we can video chat with each other and it’s far more practical for travel than your old laptop.”
“Don’t knock that thing, It’s gotten me through grad school,” I chastise unable to take my eyes off my new gadget. I love it. It’s awesome, and knowing Tom, it’s top of the line. He’s right about it being better for travel. “Thank you. This is incredible. I love it, really.”
He smiles. “I’m glad. Thank you for not having a row with me on this.”
“Can we call this my graduation gift?” I ask hopeful, but knowing what his answer will be.
“Not a chance in hell. Incidentally, I plan on flying back for it.”
“Really? I didn’t ask because I figured you wouldn’t be able to.”
“It’s on a Friday, I checked. I can fly in Thursday night and make it in time. I’ll have to go back on Sunday, but I wouldn’t miss your big day.”
“Fuck, I love you.” I throw myself on top of him. I don’t know what I did to deserve a man like him, but at least I know how lucky I am. He’s one of a kind.
“And I love your filthy mouth.” He kisses me to drive that point home. “Though, when you meet my family, do you think you can hold off on all of the foul language? My family doesn’t take to it as well as yours does.”
I pretend to pout. “I guess so.” I laugh. “Could you imagine our families together? Mine is always talking over each other, cursing and drinking. I picture your family eating tiny sandwiches and sipping on tea with elevated pinkies.”
“You’re not far off actually. Mine is far stuffier than yours, but they’ll love you, I promise. Mum and Helena are especially excited to meet you.” Helena is his sister. It’s hard to imagine that Tom has a whole family there, but he does. Complete with a niece and nephew and I think an old badger of a grandmother who will no doubt put me through my paces.
“I’ll be my most polite and perfect self, scouts honor.” I hold up two fingers like a boy scout, though I’m not sure Tom knows what that means.
“When do you think you’ll come out?”
“Huh.” I hadn’t really thought the timing of everything through yet. “I graduate on the sixth,” I say more to myself than him. “Maybe the fifteenth? Give myself time to get my stuff together and say my goodbyes.”
He nods. “Sounds like a good plan.” He pulls me into his chest and I settle in, listening to his heartbeat. I feel a sudden twinge at this, but push it down fast. There is no sense in going there.
I yawn into him closing my eyes briefly. I’m tired. It’s been an emotional day. An emotional week. So much has happened in it that it
almost seems longer in time.
I’m moving to London and my ex-love is my friend.
I can’t believe Levi’s mother is dead. I loved his mother. She was the kind of mom that baked cookies just because. I love my mom, she’s awesome, but not as Betty Crocker All American like Hannah was.
I realize now that she lied to me about Levi. I went to see her after he left and cried on her shoulder for hours. She told me she didn’t know where he was, but that she would try and encourage him to call me if they spoke. If. Like he wouldn’t call his mother.
Please. I’m cute, not stupid.
Levi wants me to meet Tanya. I want to meet her too, but I’m also really scared by the prospect. Levi says she’s in a good place, but still.
Tom squeezes me, letting out a deep contented sigh and I feel all sorts of wrong for thinking about Levi while in another man’s arms. Even though it was about his mom and sister, it still feels wrong.
“Do we get to have video phone sex?”
His chuckle rumbles through my body. “I’m counting on that.” He kisses the top of my head. “Why do you think I got you the iPad?” I smile at that.
“That’s rather cheeky of you.”
“Careful, dove or I’ll show you just how cheeky I can be,” he teases.
“That a threat or a promise?” I’m tossed over his shoulder, yelping as I go.
Tom does not make idle threats.
18
Snow is falling in droves. Mixed with gusting winds it’s near whiteout conditions outside. It’s our first major storm of the year and I’m stuck walking to work in it. There are no snow days for us poor hospital workers, so I’m wrapped up like I’m climbing Everest for the four block walk. Amara has the day off—the lucky bitch—but today I’m working as a NP student and since I need the hours, I have no choice.
I’m thanking baby Jesus and whomever the hell else I should thank that today is Saturday. Hopefully the people of New York are smart enough to keep their asses home instead of shoveling or doing something else stupid that will land them in my ED.