by J. Saman
I’m in a mood, as my mother calls it. So I’m praying for quiet, though I cannot utter that forbidden Q-word once I enter the doors of the hospital, so I have to get all of my wishful thinking over with now. The streets are empty. Not even the city plows are out, and since there is a parking ban, it’s sort of creepy. Desolate is the best way to describe it.
Like I said, it’s creepy.
The mechanical sound of automatic doors greets me. I wipe my feet on the industrial floor mat inside the vestibule before I enter the main portion of the ED. The waiting room is… empty. The television is facing the information and triage desks where the security guard Jose, Catherine our resident information lady, and Olivia, who I assume is doing triage right now, are watching.
“Anything good on?” They all look over in unison at the sound of my voice.
“The news,” Jose says, nodding towards the screen. “Looks like we’re going to get close to three feet when this all done.”
I groan, throwing my head back in annoyance as I make my way over to them, and leaning against the triage desk. “For real? Does that mean we’ll get stuck here or what?”
“Do you remember when that happened? That was the worst,” Olivia says, chewing on her cuticles.
“Oh honey, ain’t nothing any of us can do, so no sense in worrying about that,” Catherine drawls in her thick southern accent.
“Whatever. I’m walking distance, so no way I’m letting that shit happen.” I nod at them before I swipe my badge against the keypad. Large double doors part for me and I enter the patient area heading straight to the locker room. I won’t get stuck here, but it’s happened to other staff in the past. When the weather is particularly bad, like this, the subway and buses shut down, making it impossible for people to get in or out.
It’s a logistical nightmare—hopefully not one we’ll encounter today.
Removing my fifty layers of winter gear, I toss them into my locker, not caring that they’re wet. “Hey,” I spin around grabbing my chest, startled by the voice interrupting my peaceful silence.
“Shit, Levi. You scared the crap out of me.”
He chuckles walking toward me. “Sorry,” he says not looking sorry at all. “I saw you walk in and I haven’t seen you since Wednesday night.”
“Yeah, I worked Thursday night as a nurse and I’m here today as a student.” He nods taking slow leisurely steps. “What are you doing here today anyway? I didn’t think med students normally work Saturdays.”
He shrugs, but a smirk is pulling at his lips. “Like I said, I haven’t seen you in a few days.”
Oh.
Not what I was expecting.
He stops, leaving less than a foot between us. Does he have to stand so close? “You’re working on Saturday in a blizzard for me?” I have to ask because it just really doesn’t make sense.
“Partially. Sue also asked if I’d fill in and I said yes. The more hours the better, right?”
“Yeah, I guess.” I chew on my lip. “I better get out there for my assignment,” I say, swallowing nervously. Why does he make me nervous?
“We have no patients,” he laughs.
“What? Get the fuck out. We always have at least one patient.” He shakes his head, but I walk around him anyway heading for the doors. Cara, Eva, Bobby and Dr. Jay are all chatting at the nurse’s station, laughing at something. “For real?” I ask incredulously.
“It’s like the apocalypse, only without the freaky zombies,” Jay says. “Apparently everyone took the mayor’s advice and stayed the fuck home.”
“You ain’t kidding,” I say, shaking my head.
“Oh good, you’re here, Lara,” Sue says from behind me. I turn to see my short supervisor. “Have you told everyone how you’re breaking my heart?”
“I don’t think Stephanie would appreciate that, Sue,” Cara jokes.
Sue waves her off. “After twenty years of partnership and marriage, Stephanie is all too aware of my love for Lara.” I’m blushing like crazy, but not because Sue is declaring her love, but because Levi is standing so close that I can smell him and she’s about to tell everyone that I’m moving to London. Doesn’t matter, we’re friends now. “No, Lara has decided to up and leave us for the UK.” She ends it there. Seriously?
I hear collective gasps and ‘no ways’. Levi remains silent, but I feel the full weight of his stare on me. I shouldn’t be uncomfortable about this. He and I talked about it and he’s the one who placed us in the friend zone.
He doesn’t care.
But I do. And I absolutely shouldn’t.
“It’s not even for a full year. I’m here until May and then back next February.” I shrug, trying to play it off. At this point Chrissy, as well as two other nurses and a PCA, walk over for the news.
My face feels like a fireball.
“Well, you better be back next February first, because I’m putting that down as your official start date on your contract.” My head whips over to Sue, my expression a mixture of shock and total appreciation, I’m sure.
“Really? You’re still offering me a contract?”
“Of course.” She’s looking at me like I’m stupid. “I told you I would,” she snickers. “Apparently I’m in that kind of mood because I talked to Dr. Sullivan today, Levi, and he’s agreed to interview you for a possible internship position for this summer. So has Dr. Andrews in anesthesia.”
Holy fucking kittens. I turn to see Levi’s expression is incredulous, which definitely matches mine. “Wow, Sue. I don’t know what to say.” He’s completely humbled.
“You say nothing because I hate gratitude. That’s why I work here,” she winks.
I walk over to her and throw my arms around her. “I love you, Sue, and you can bet your ass I’ll be here bright and shiny on February first.”
She gives me a squeeze before letting go. Levi grabs her and gives her the same tight hug I did, mumbling something I can’t hear into her ear.
“Hey Levi, want me to show you around the surgical wing?” Chrissy coos. Fucking whorebag. I have no right, but I’m so insanely jealous by her stupid comment I can barely see. This is not a good sign.
“Uh, I’ve seen it before, Chrissy, but thanks,” he shrugs her off and I hold in my smile looking away.
“Well, I’m going back to my office to play Candy Crush. Page me if we get a trauma or anything interesting.” With that Sue runs off, leaving all of us minions to run the show. But right now, there is no show to be had other than mine and Levi’s.
“So, you told them already?” Levi asks, sounding hurt.
“You did not tell me anything about moving to fucking London, you bitch,” Cara jokes, but is also half serious. My work family is rather demanding.
I shrug. “Tom is moving there for the year, so I’m going with him.” I can’t even look at Levi, though I’m painfully aware of him.
“That’s awesome. Take some time before you start working. I wish I had,” Jay says leaning over the counter and playing with his phone.
“You had no choice, Jay. You’re a surgeon. You go from college to med school to residency and one day you might have a life again.” I smile at the pissed off glare he shoots me.
“Yeah and it looks like I might have a fellow soldier. Congrats on the interview, man. Welcome to the death squad,” Jay says doing some sort of bro shake with Levi.
“Thanks. I still can’t believe I have an interview here. Two even.”
“That’s why Sue is awesome,” Chrissy says, rubbing against Levi’s arm with her huge fake rack. I’m totally slut-shaming her right now. I’m awful.
“Well, I’m going to go get a diet coke before things get real in here. Anyone want anything from the coffee shop?” I ask, needing to get away before I say something I have no business saying.
“I’ll come with you. I didn’t get my coffee this morning before I came in,” Levi says, smiling at me. Damn him. I was hoping for space. Friends, friends, friends.
“Oooh, Lara, can yo
u get me one of those cookies that they have, and a caramel latte?” Cara asks, pulling out some cash from her scrub top pocket.
“Of course. Chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin?” I ask, before holding up my hand. “You know what? I’m going to get an assortment of yummy goodies. I think we’re gonna need it.” I wave off the five-dollar bill that she’s holding out to me and start walking back towards the lobby, Levi in tow.
19
“I didn’t know you were interested in surgery,” I tell Levi when we’re out of hearing range. “I’m sorry for being a total shit and not asking before.”
He smiles. “It’s fine. We’ve had a lot of other things to talk about.”
“Congrats on the interviews. That’s awesome.” I swipe my badge and the doors swing open. I’m blasted with cold air and the smell of the waiting room. It definitely has its own unique funk that I’d rather not think too deeply on. “Surgery, though.” I shake my head. “You’ll have no free time. What about Tanya?” I ask him, genuinely curious. “Yo, coffee run, you guys want anything?” I call out to Catherine, Olivia and Jose who are still glued to the TV.
“Nah, we’re good. Just went,” Jose calls back, holding up his coffee. I nod at him, walking in the opposite direction of where they’re located.
“Tanya is fifteen now. It’s a lot to ask of her, but she’s the one who pushed me to do it. I was going to do family medicine or anesthesia–which is still an option–so I could be home with her more, but she reminded me that she’s not a baby and that she can handle it.”
I look at him surprised. “Wow, that’s incredible.”
He smiles indulgently. “Yeah, she is. We have a housekeeper, for lack of a better word, who stays with us. She does a lot for, and with, Tanya. Tanya’s best friend also lives next door and her mother is a saint, so that helps.”
I shake my head incredulous. “You’re a parent, Levi. I mean, I know she’s your younger sister and all, but still. You’re raising her.” I smile, nudging him with my shoulder. “I’m so proud of you.”
He smiles huge, nudging me back. “So, we’re good with the friends thing?” he asks nervously, but there is something else in his eyes that I can’t quite place. Regret maybe? I don’t know what he’s expecting me to say. No, I’m not? I want you and Tom, both at the same time.
Clearly that is not a possibility.
I’ve chosen Tom.
Levi has chosen friendship so there is nothing left to say.
“I’m not gonna lie to you, Levi,” I say, swerving to avoid a wheel-chaired patient. “It’s weird being your friend. Especially after all this time.”
“Does that mean you don’t want to be?”
I glance over at him and his expression tells me he doesn’t like this idea.
“No.” I shake my head as we turn the corner and get in line behind two other doctors in lab coats checking their phones. “I want to be your friend. I’m just not sure I know how. It’s a learning curve for me.”
“I don’t want to lose you again Lara. I need you in my life and if the only way I can have that is as your friend, then I’ll take what I can get.”
I’m not sure I completely understand what he’s saying, but in the long run of things it doesn’t matter. Our paths are decided and we need to stay the course.
“Friends it is then,” I say, swallowing down that bitter taste. I don’t know why this is so hard for me. Okay, maybe I do, but I feel like it shouldn’t be. It’s been seven years, and I’m in love with my boyfriend. I think I’ll feel better about everything in time, once I get used to our new relationship of sorts.
Once I adjust to the way things are now.
“I miss your mom, Levi,” I whisper so only he can hear me. “I keep thinking about her, and I hate that she’s gone and I can’t talk to her again.” I chance a peek at him and his eyes are down. “She let me cry and vent to her for hours after you left, and I never thanked her for that. I was so angry.” I sigh. “She came to see me a couple of months before graduation.” I look to him again. “Did you know that?”
He’s smiling, but still looking down. “Yeah. I knew that. She called me that day and told me all about it.” I gasp, but then I remember that they were already living here together. “She flew in for it.” I nod. “She loved you like a daughter, and even though she was over the moon to have Tanya back, her heart broke for us. She died a month after she saw you. I think that was her way of saying goodbye.”
I look away because, wow, that hurts something fierce. I’m like two seconds away from tears when the barista, Josephine, asks me what I want. I clear the frog in my throat, turning to face her. “A caramel latte, diet coke, three chocolate chip and three oatmeal raisin cookies and…” I trail off, gesturing to Levi so he can place his order.
“Large coffee with cream and sugar, please,” he says. I could have ordered that for him, but it felt too familiar. Too intimate. It’s sort of a funny thing if you think about it, but knowing how someone takes their coffee is personal. Almost like it’s shared behind closed doors and if you order for a member of the opposite sex you’re basically admitting to having carnal knowledge of them.
We move to the side and wait for the coffees to be made. I pick at an oatmeal raisin cookie, telling myself that the oatmeal and the raisins in it make it appropriate for breakfast. If they weren’t the best fucking cookies on the planet I’d object with myself, but they are, so I don’t.
“So you’re coming back here to work as a NP? In the ED?”
“Yeah. I love it. That’s just the sort of masochist I am I guess.” I smile.
“Do you really think you’re coming back?” he asks with a dubious expression.
“Of course I am.” My voice rises a couple of octaves. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“You don’t think he’s going to want to move back there?” I notice Levi still won’t say his name.
I shake my head. “Tom’s assignment is only a year.” I’m confused as to why he’d even ask a question like that. Tom has never once mentioned anything about this trip to London extending beyond the year. Not once.
“Okay.” He shrugs like he doesn’t believe me and this makes me mad. Who the hell is he to comment on whether or not I’ll come back? I mean really. “I see where your mind is going, Lara,” he says strongly, but I detect the hurt underneath. Apparently I’m not as healed as I thought I was. I get it. I know why he left and stayed away and I don’t blame him for it. Anymore that is. But it doesn’t take away the years of hurt and grief I had as a result.
It doesn’t change the past.
It just allows me to find closure in the present.
He opens his mouth to continue, but the barista places the drinks on top of the pastry case so I grab my diet coke and Cara’s latte needing to be done with this conversation. He grabs his coffee and before I can say anything else, his free hand grabs my arm holding the diet coke and leads me down a deserted hallway away from the ED.
“Levi, what the hell are you doing? We need to get back,” I say with some urgency. I don’t want to be alone with him anymore. I’m feeling petulant and hurt today. I’m all sorts of confused and I have no right to be. Until I can resolve whatever the hell this is, I cannot be alone with him.
“What are you looking for from me?” His tone is desperate and his grip on my arm unrelenting.
“What do you mean?” I shake my head confused, my eyes trained down at the linoleum floors. Friends. We’re doing the friends thing. It’s what he said he wanted. I haven’t asked him for anything.
“For the most brilliant woman I know, you can be so dumb sometimes.” Using his grip on my arm, he pulls me into his chest. He’s breathing so hard my body sways with the motion. He holds me there for a minute and I’m too stunned to speak. I don’t even know what I’d say if I could form words. “Do you think I enjoy asking you about the man who has you?” he growls. I can’t look up. At least I know enough not to do that. “Answer me, Lara.”
“I don’t know, L
evi,” I tell him, because he’s sending me so many mixed messages I can’t keep up. I want to yell at him that he’s the one who threw out the friend’s clause, but I can’t. I’m waiting for him to speak.
For him to ruin me completely.
“Do you think any of this is easy on me? Seeing you with someone else? Knowing that you’re his and not mine? I’m just trying to make you happy.”
I feel my tears coming and I swallow hard to keep them at bay. I can’t break down here. Why is he the only person in the world who can reduce me to tears so easily? Levi bends down, taking a deep breath of the top of my hair and then releases me like nothing happened.
When I’m able to meet his eyes they’re totally unaffected. I’m sure mine are not telling the same story. That look in his eyes makes me want to cry, more than anything he’s just said or done. I have no idea which way is up with him. He asked a lot of questions just now, but provided me with no answers and given his lackluster expression right now, I’d say he could give two shits about the fact that I’m with another man and not him.
I turn away from him and storm off back in the direction of my ED. This is my hospital, not his. He may work here now, but I’ve lived and breathed this place for three years, and I will not let him ruin something else for me.
Fuck him.
I plow through the doors, not even bothering to look in the waiting room to see if things have picked up. I thrust Cara’s latte at her with my fakest smile. “The cookies are the bomb this morning.” I wink and hand her the bag that is slightly more crinkled from the ninja grip I had on it.
“Thanks doll. You rock my world,” she says as she takes a long sip of her coffee. “Damn that shit is good.” She kicks her feet back, popping a piece of cookie into her mouth.
“Lara, can I ask you a question about a mutual patient?” Levi voice is rude as shit behind me.
I turn with a glare. “Go for it,” I say not at all politely.
“In private, please.” Without checking to see if I’m following, he heads off towards one of the trauma rooms in the back. Damn him.